YOU KNOW THAT I'M NO GOOD

I'm on my way to the airport - it's 5:30 am, and I can see dawn breaking over the Toronto skyline. It's beautiful in a way I don't know how to commit to words. I feel a little bit teary in the limo taxi my mother has ordered, my bare legs on smooth leather, all my bags beside me. It's a calm ride - I don't even pull out my iPod to listen to any music. I had a feeling I'd let those tears slip if I was. There's only so much I can handle in one go, emotionally. I just watch the cityscape run by. I love my hometown. Love it. There's a dirty and wonderful something to it that I think that people take for granted when they remain within the city. But for me, the girl that has both left, and returned, there's a tug at the heartstrings that remains unmistakeable. The flight itself is non-descript. I was cold for a lot of it - they now charge for blankets on Air Canada flights, and I think it's a shame. I couldn't sleep well last night out of excitement, so I slept then, catching precious few hours and waking up with a throat made scratchy by recycled air. Vancouver is flat... gray. I'm a little disappointed by this, because it's actually cold as well, making my hometown seem that much more elated in its predicted 38 degree hell that it plans to be today.

So here I am, on the bus while I wait to go across into the United States. I wonder what the boarder will be like. I've heard so many horror stories, but my previous experiences while on my way to New York were rather anti-climatic, and I pray for the same here. I think I like J's city because it's so... reminiscent of Canada, despite being in the States. The trees, unending stretches of it, remind me of those long drives to the cottage. One more hour! I can't wait.

SPIDERWEBS

It's 3:30 in the morning. I'm reading Bret Easton Ellis' The Informers and working out while listening to Epik High. 2 more days. And I'll be in Toronto, seeing my mother. I'll be in the salon, getting my nails done by Chinese women that I want to talk to but I don't know how to. It's more then language - I lack the ability to understand their suffering. I was born into a blank life of privilege and know nothing of real hardship. I am... listless. Still. I'm praying this trip cures me. Saves me. I want to feel loved by someone. Not anyone. Someone who understands me. I feel blessed because J is just that, even if it's not the romantic kind of love: but having someone understand me is relieving.

GOD BLESS THE SOUL

I talk today with J. It's a good conversation, it flows nicely, and we talk about a variety of things. I'm happy. I tell her some things I haven't told other people before. I'm left thinking: I'm jealous she has a mother that's been there for her. My own was absent from a lot of the major things in my life. My life lessons were taught by a string of unrelated friends and women in my life who passed on the awkward advice of their mothers. Some of the advice, I was too young to understand. Too young to implement. I wonder if I'm the sum of those parts. I wonder if I've failed as a woman, because I lack the understanding of the word 'mother', or at least the function of one. I wonder if I've missed out. And so I continue with my resolution to tell my father everyday that I love him - because he served as both when I needed it, and he's given me everything that she couldn't.

LET THIS COLD RAINSTORM RESURRECT THE SOUL

I read these books from Ellis, and I'm reminded how my own writing seems to emulate his style. I'm both deflated and elated, because I admire him a lot. He's one of those writers that shock you with his absolute defiance of convention, and his shallow mirroring of real life. He dreams. He lets you know that. I wish I could meet him... I'm very excited for his next book, the Imperial Bedrooms, which will be out in a month. It's the sequel to Less Than Zero, which I read one weekend at the cottage and cried to, because I felt it was both good and it left me feeling emotionally violated. I think that was a weekend in which I was having problems with P, because he left me alone for hours and hours, and reading was a nice way to cope. Emotionally unsteady. I think that's a good way to describe the 'me' from then.

DANCE WITH THE INFERNAL ONE

I talk to J and she tells me she thinks I'm a 'nice' person. I wonder if this is true. Or if it's the me that works in accordance to what I feel is a good thing to do, a good way to act. What is 'nice' really? Hah... Is it how we chose to be, or the things we chose to believe? I feel resentment. I'm selfish. I'm cold. I use people. But it's human. I'm human. I don't really believe in 'nice' and 'mean'. I think you should only live the way you feel you should live. Maybe I'm nice by her standards. Maybe by society's standards. But I don't do it for society really... I'm just... living. Be positive. Be happy. Make others happy. Send your love. Be loving. Be graceful. Make errors. Be messy. Be you... just... be you.

COLD BLUE LIPS CONFESSING TO ME

For all those in my life I love...

HUH (HIT YOUR HEART)

It's a good week to be alive!

Isn't it amazing how quickly time has moved on? It's only 3 sleeps until I'm in Toronto! Then another sleep from there until I'm in Blaine with my lovely J-baby! It's going to be an interesting time for sure, what, with the concert in Seattle on the 30th, and all the fun times between J's work and classes. Ahhh, how beautiful is it that I'm going to be there again? Fate, God's hand, whatever you want to call it. I'm going to have a blast, and of that, I'm certain.

BABY, YOU ARE KILLING ME

Mmmm, so Tuesday, I saw S. Boy's drowning in life, but keeping it together. We had a blast, just chilled back, had pho, and gossiped a shitload about the mutual friends we have. He's wonderfully acidic, and he's going to go far, that's for sure. Then we came here, and after some fumbling to get it to start, we watched Secret Dairy of a Call Girl - we even got through a season and a half in one night! Can't wait, when I get back, we'll be finishing it all. I'm so hyped for my next writing project, and this series is making it that much more worse, hahaha! Good research, I'll tell you that. Then Wednesday, I was with R, and we hung out, cooked at his apartment, and watched Modern Family. Then got ice cream from the store. God, I wish he didn't live so far, or we'd hang out more, but it's next to impossible when the kid's an hour and a half away in Nepean. Soooo jokes. But I love chilling with him, he's hella laid back. Sunday is S. She's going to come over for some fun in the sun and some movies, so that'll be enjoyable I'm sure. I'll make drinks, maybe we'll bake... you gotta balance life, you know?

I WANNA BE IN THE MAGAZINES

So projects! I've been asked to do a logo recently, and S from Cali's started a brand new marketing company that she wants me to help with. I've made a portfolio and sent it back to her to review, it's an exciting start to life. I can't wait, to be honest, it's a good start when other things haven't been going my way. The internship needs to find a home come my start into the real world. I'll be applying it up in my time in Bellingham while J works away, I'm sure. I'll be working hard! Fiiiighting~

I AM GONNA BE FAMOUS

Mmmm, I've been wondering of late the manner of life. I feel that the last 2 weeks were rather slow, but I blame my own lethargy that I've been suffering since the end of school. Why? I often sleep, and for far too long. I can no longer sleep at a normal time when getting to bed. I fear that I've ruined my sleeping habits, but I'm trying quite hard to shape them back into something resembling normalcy. All this over sleeping has left me feeling sleep hungover in the mornings... or the afternoons, rather. I'd like to piece myself into something more solid, and capable. I think it's affecting my cheerful outlook on life. 97% of life is about how you deal with things when they aren't going well. And now I need to get out of it. I think I can repair myself, hopefully, with this vacation.

KEEP IN MAH WAY

Have I mentioned how I'm in love with Cube Entertainment? Man oh man, I love 4 Minute and B2ST... and both are in the new MV they put out! So happy!

NU ABO

It's a weird time for me. I'm sleepy all the time now. I've been going to job interviews, more and more. Sigh... Nothing of note so far. I'm spend my days sleeping. I work at nights. It's not too bad though, I'm trying to keep myself up by napping, and being positive. A good attitude goes a long way, right? I've been playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIII, which is fun but mannn, it's taking forever to get anywhere! I got my enhanced drivers license in the mail, so I'm absolutely set for my trip to Seattle now, whee, so happy! I can't wait, to be honest, there's so much to look forwards to. I watched a good movie recently called Malice in Wonderland, a really great indie film. Haunting. Very witty... I miss films like this. Everyone seems so quiet lately, and I feel almost like I'm walking through the woods in the middle of winter - sound is just... sucked away. Maybe I'm just in a weird mind-space...

QUIET STORM

Today's another day... I'm free from Toronto, a wonderful place to visit and go home to, but I'm not able to live there anymore. Life is different you know? I guess I'm just losing what I used to care about, because it'll never measure up to the Hong Kong I remember. Funny, because I met up with A while I was in Toronto, and she expressed the same hesitancy. Shout out to you, A-Baby, cuz I know you're still stalking this, apparently. But yes... I'm back now, and it's really clear that I need a second job. I've been applying like crazy, and we'll see what comes back to me now. God help me. I don't have the right to be idle, and bills bills bills are breathing down my back. Sigh. Back on that grind, yo. True story.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW

It's really been a bit of a whirlwind. Exams are over and I'm left able to relax for my whole weekend, since I'm home in Toronto for a bit. It's actually quite nice! I'm considering finding a summer job here, because it'd be all right for the first time in a while. I get along with my mom and her husband, the house is close to downtown, and frankly, there's more opportunity to work. Sigh. We'll see how things go, but so far it's very tempting. I think it helps that all I've done on arrival is get my nails done, and sleep, and watch crime dramas on loop. It's fantastic! I haven't been able to take a break like this in months, almost. Though I fear I'm overeating - my mom keeps endless snacks here and I've got to practice better self control.

THE Q IS BACK

So the plans for this week are quite nice. Toby's birthday dinner will be Monday, since Lee was utterly booked for Friday and Saturday. I'm excited, I love the food there, and I always feel a little star-stunned eating there. I'm hoping they have the same sticky rice and coconut milk dessert as there was last time! You couldn't imagine how hard it was to find that in Asia... but this will be nice to do, for him and only him, because hey, you only turn 20 once. I hope he enjoys it! I made the booking on my own, but hopefully it works.

MOVE TO THE RIGHT, STEP, AGAIN

I'm hoping to buy a few new books tomorrow! I miss reading, and now I've time to catch up. I'm thinking of the new Jeff Lindsey book, and see what else might catch my eye - it's time that I refresh my writing style a bit. Not that it's suffering too horrible, J got a sample of what I've been working on lately, and she said it was the best she'd read from me... which was really, honestly, nice to hear. I spent a lot of today hand coding a piece of an application for one of our websites and I was really really pleased with the outcome. I sourced some of it from a website, then coded the rest of it out, and I'm really happy with it! I'm learning a bit better on how to do things, which was a great realization because S is telling me that she's got some work for me to do in LA if I've got the time... which is all I have right now. Strides forward? I'm hoping so.

COME ON EVERYBODY

That restless feeling hasn't really left me. Admittedly, I feel a bit better on it all but generally, I feel quite stressed for some reason. I'm doing all I can to find some sense of purpose right now, and it's quite a... different place to be in. I don't know how to explain it, but C said it's the awkward hatching of student to adult. I'm sure I'll be fine, but at the moment I'm horrified, haha! I'll be seeing A on Monday, and hopefully she'll be sharing this with me so that we can be freaked out together.

LET THE MUSIC DIFFUSE ALL ATTENTION

Here's a look at one of the commercials I thought really hit it... amazing, Adidas, you really proved yourself.