HELLO AND GOODNIGHT

Cruising down the highway, smoothly switching lanes as the hip-hop I pour through headphones bumps along, I can't help but think, I'm so god damn lucky to be alive. With music I have everything I need. I look to the future, one in which I am a midnight road warrior and my speakers radiate pure sound. Where humanity may fail me, music never will. Let it be known, world, I'll take all you throw at me so long as you don't degrade my love, my life, my essence... my music.

FREESTYLE

You know, sometimes I'm left wondering... what am I doing?

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

You know it's funny, I don't think I was supposed to see what I did. I think I wouldn't have if she hadn't drawn attention to something smaller. I wonder if she knows? But I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wonder if I should even. I mean it's not a fight that hasn't been fought, it's not words that haven't been said, so why do I feel down and a bit pained nonetheless? I shouldn't. It's petty of me, but I just want to go and ask 'well what else do you want from me?' When does it become so one sided? Why am I even feeling like that? It's selfish of me. I mean apart of me really isn't surprised... and I hate that. And it's compounding beyond a single issue. I'm feeling rather ignored for someone else and it sort of feels like a slap in the face because I'm not being given any sort of explanation on it, but I know it's also not my place to say anything either. Yet... I know the same courtesy isn't extended my way. But just because of that, I know I shouldn't be... upset. I just... don't know. I really know. Instantly, my mood is spoiled beyond the simple boredom of the night, and I'm kind of left like... unsure. Of what to do, what to say. And it's quite an unthrilling experience.

What kind of bites too is that it's sort of clear that I'm not happy. And she doesn't really do much to pursue it. The child and the adult in me are warring, because I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't start questioning why, why I'm upset. I shouldn't be upset that she's having lively conversation with someone else. I understand that adults sometimes need space in order to cool down, and re-evaluate positions, and life, and self. But the child in me doesn't want to understand, and angrily wants more, attention, something. I wonder how long this is going to last. I wonder if it'll get brought up. Night two down of this, and I guess only extended time will tell.

LET THE SPEAKERS DRIP

I just had the most emotional two-punch of a shuffle play on iTunes... Feather by Nujabes, followed by Sad Movie by Minos and Soulman. Guh... if my heart wasn't aching enough before, it certainly is now. I like the way music makes me feel, even if it isn't always warm. I'm wondering when I'll meet someone that I'm in love with who I can talk to about that. The little kicks and snares in a song that just capture you, those lyrics that just move you, those little hitches in a voice that disturb you. I listen to the chatter in the background of some of the songs, and I just feel like I can RELATE to these people. Their passion, their love, their need. I'm left wondering why I don't know more people like this beyond J and S. On that note, S seems to have disappeared... I leave her notes on her Facebook, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm a little worried... I wonder if she's gotten herself off on the lithium she's taking now. I'm guilty of not going after her harder. I think maybe Toronto really is a good idea for a little while at least. V... you know how I feel right now, don't you? It's scary out there, and I'm being swallowed up. You came back with me. You know it. The fear that we've peaked, and will no longer be 'fantastic'. I feel like a coward.

FIST IN THE AIR FOR INDEPENDENT MUSIC

I wonder when I stopped being observant. God... S tells me today about the depression, and I should have seen it. I mean I knew something was wrong, but now it's like... when did I lose it? What happened to me? When did I become 'that friend' who ignored all the warning signs, and allowed that friend to slip through the cracks without reaching out? I'm so disappointed in myself it's unreal. I became the bad friend. I became the thing I loathe most.... and I don't really know how to make it better. I'm sorry, S, I know you'll read this and tell me it's okay, but I know in a deeply fundamental way, it's not, and I did something very wrong by not catching it sooner and calling you to come over. Instead I handled it poorly, on msn, with badly aimed words and a brush off that was cold, too cold. I should have been better, because you deserve that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll be better. If the medication isn't working, homie, I'm here because you don't have to feel like you're lonely. Your friends love you. I know it's not the affectionate love you're craving, and I know you know and feel like it's an unreasonable loneliness, but it's there, and it's real, and if you're feeling it, I'll step up and be there. I fucked up. I won't do it again.

REACH NEW HEIGHTS WHILE WE PASS THE TREES

Work is getting super intensive. I'm about to face 3 straight weeks of short-staffing situations, where I'm bound to make some good money, and run to exhaustion. I doubt there will be much understanding, comprehension, or kindness involving this and the people I know, but that's to be expected. I'm not even mad, I just accept it, laugh it off, and go go go! I'm just hoping I don't get super sick at the end of this. I have to see T, C, S, R, S, B and K sometimes next week. One a day? Time to be super powered! Hopefully I'll have a legitimate schedule pinned down starting tomorrow. M is being a total spazz and making it impossible to do much planning because she hasn't given her other work schedule over to us so we can make the fixed schedule. C is getting PISSED because I never seem to have a day to give him. Legitimately... miss that kid. He's got a way of cheering me up like no other. What is with all my bitchassness anyways? I need to snap out of it. Tomorrow I'll find something to make me smile smile smile and be normal. Maybe I'll ask if I can have ice cream on the way home? I don't know how you can feel sad when you're licking coconut and pineapple sherbet from Baskin Robins.

WE DOING BIG THINGS

I wonder if I'm making more miscalculations of judgement then I'm admitting. The idea is frightening. I'm getting anxious - nervous - scared. I'm going to try to call V soon for an emotional consult. And S. J seems to be gone, gone, gone, and I don't know where he's gone. I can't help that these relationships are breaking because I'm not doing more. The idea makes me feel sick. I need to reverse this trend.

LET THE STREETS SING

So there's a new movie coming out in August. Looks absolutely amazing, and after three different trailers, and reading the whole comic book series, I'm so pumped for it. C-c-check it.

SPIDERWEBS

It's 3:30 in the morning. I'm reading Bret Easton Ellis' The Informers and working out while listening to Epik High. 2 more days. And I'll be in Toronto, seeing my mother. I'll be in the salon, getting my nails done by Chinese women that I want to talk to but I don't know how to. It's more then language - I lack the ability to understand their suffering. I was born into a blank life of privilege and know nothing of real hardship. I am... listless. Still. I'm praying this trip cures me. Saves me. I want to feel loved by someone. Not anyone. Someone who understands me. I feel blessed because J is just that, even if it's not the romantic kind of love: but having someone understand me is relieving.

GOD BLESS THE SOUL

I talk today with J. It's a good conversation, it flows nicely, and we talk about a variety of things. I'm happy. I tell her some things I haven't told other people before. I'm left thinking: I'm jealous she has a mother that's been there for her. My own was absent from a lot of the major things in my life. My life lessons were taught by a string of unrelated friends and women in my life who passed on the awkward advice of their mothers. Some of the advice, I was too young to understand. Too young to implement. I wonder if I'm the sum of those parts. I wonder if I've failed as a woman, because I lack the understanding of the word 'mother', or at least the function of one. I wonder if I've missed out. And so I continue with my resolution to tell my father everyday that I love him - because he served as both when I needed it, and he's given me everything that she couldn't.

LET THIS COLD RAINSTORM RESURRECT THE SOUL

I read these books from Ellis, and I'm reminded how my own writing seems to emulate his style. I'm both deflated and elated, because I admire him a lot. He's one of those writers that shock you with his absolute defiance of convention, and his shallow mirroring of real life. He dreams. He lets you know that. I wish I could meet him... I'm very excited for his next book, the Imperial Bedrooms, which will be out in a month. It's the sequel to Less Than Zero, which I read one weekend at the cottage and cried to, because I felt it was both good and it left me feeling emotionally violated. I think that was a weekend in which I was having problems with P, because he left me alone for hours and hours, and reading was a nice way to cope. Emotionally unsteady. I think that's a good way to describe the 'me' from then.

DANCE WITH THE INFERNAL ONE

I talk to J and she tells me she thinks I'm a 'nice' person. I wonder if this is true. Or if it's the me that works in accordance to what I feel is a good thing to do, a good way to act. What is 'nice' really? Hah... Is it how we chose to be, or the things we chose to believe? I feel resentment. I'm selfish. I'm cold. I use people. But it's human. I'm human. I don't really believe in 'nice' and 'mean'. I think you should only live the way you feel you should live. Maybe I'm nice by her standards. Maybe by society's standards. But I don't do it for society really... I'm just... living. Be positive. Be happy. Make others happy. Send your love. Be loving. Be graceful. Make errors. Be messy. Be you... just... be you.

COLD BLUE LIPS CONFESSING TO ME

For all those in my life I love...

HUH (HIT YOUR HEART)

It's a good week to be alive!

Isn't it amazing how quickly time has moved on? It's only 3 sleeps until I'm in Toronto! Then another sleep from there until I'm in Blaine with my lovely J-baby! It's going to be an interesting time for sure, what, with the concert in Seattle on the 30th, and all the fun times between J's work and classes. Ahhh, how beautiful is it that I'm going to be there again? Fate, God's hand, whatever you want to call it. I'm going to have a blast, and of that, I'm certain.

BABY, YOU ARE KILLING ME

Mmmm, so Tuesday, I saw S. Boy's drowning in life, but keeping it together. We had a blast, just chilled back, had pho, and gossiped a shitload about the mutual friends we have. He's wonderfully acidic, and he's going to go far, that's for sure. Then we came here, and after some fumbling to get it to start, we watched Secret Dairy of a Call Girl - we even got through a season and a half in one night! Can't wait, when I get back, we'll be finishing it all. I'm so hyped for my next writing project, and this series is making it that much more worse, hahaha! Good research, I'll tell you that. Then Wednesday, I was with R, and we hung out, cooked at his apartment, and watched Modern Family. Then got ice cream from the store. God, I wish he didn't live so far, or we'd hang out more, but it's next to impossible when the kid's an hour and a half away in Nepean. Soooo jokes. But I love chilling with him, he's hella laid back. Sunday is S. She's going to come over for some fun in the sun and some movies, so that'll be enjoyable I'm sure. I'll make drinks, maybe we'll bake... you gotta balance life, you know?

I WANNA BE IN THE MAGAZINES

So projects! I've been asked to do a logo recently, and S from Cali's started a brand new marketing company that she wants me to help with. I've made a portfolio and sent it back to her to review, it's an exciting start to life. I can't wait, to be honest, it's a good start when other things haven't been going my way. The internship needs to find a home come my start into the real world. I'll be applying it up in my time in Bellingham while J works away, I'm sure. I'll be working hard! Fiiiighting~

I AM GONNA BE FAMOUS

Mmmm, I've been wondering of late the manner of life. I feel that the last 2 weeks were rather slow, but I blame my own lethargy that I've been suffering since the end of school. Why? I often sleep, and for far too long. I can no longer sleep at a normal time when getting to bed. I fear that I've ruined my sleeping habits, but I'm trying quite hard to shape them back into something resembling normalcy. All this over sleeping has left me feeling sleep hungover in the mornings... or the afternoons, rather. I'd like to piece myself into something more solid, and capable. I think it's affecting my cheerful outlook on life. 97% of life is about how you deal with things when they aren't going well. And now I need to get out of it. I think I can repair myself, hopefully, with this vacation.

KEEP IN MAH WAY

Have I mentioned how I'm in love with Cube Entertainment? Man oh man, I love 4 Minute and B2ST... and both are in the new MV they put out! So happy!

CLOUDS

Sigh. 2 out of 3 exams are done! I'm feeling a lot more relaxed on that all now, since the worst, the math, is over. Thank god! I don't have to look at math for a while to come!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!! Heehee. Studying was fun too, because I was with R and A and a bunch of other people. It was enjoyable, really... a lot of teasing back and forth, but a good group overall. Summer clique! Well, R and A at least. Though I think it'll be trouble, hahaha, because A likes to make fun of me but in a cool way I guessss... never seen a boy run that fast after insulting me. Good times! Now I just have to find some meaning within everything... haha. And not forget to keep hoping for something brilliant!

NOT ALL OF US BECOME ROCK STARS AND BALLERINAS

Last night was stressful. I appeared at C's all jacked up and nervous for the exam. He sits me down - asks me if I've had anything to drink. I say no and he gets me a glass of water, some cookies, and sleeping medication, telling me that he's going to drive me home ASAP because I was losing touch. And it's true, because when we were reviewing the homework I just picked a fight with him for no reason at all other then the fact that I was strung out from lack of sleep and food, and just couldn't relax. I was just stressed... but I went home and followed his advice as best I could, though I ended up worrying about J for a couple hours before bed because of a fight that sparked and resolved, bright, then dark. This is life, and so it goes...

THE DEVIL'S TRYING TO ENTERTAIN US

So yesterday I was in the student lounge with R studying away. In the end, though, we ended up watching Gorillaz videos on my laptop, and debating the rise and fall of their artwork, music style, and the people who collaborate with them. Robot Noodle's cool I guess, but the new personality they gave her annoys me. But that said, there's something so beautiful about the videowork they put in, and the style of music. I love that Mos Def is on their new single... I love that they had to be badass and have Bruce Willas chasing them down in a car, Deathproof style. I love the homage paid by them in all their songs to so many of the little abstract things I love!

DON'T GIVE ME THAT BOO-HOO-HOO SHIT

So with exams ending so soon, I've been getting my ass onto finding another job. It's necessary! I applied to 20 different ones today. I want to do more customer relations or sales stuff... I love it! Because I get to be energetic and social, and that's what I like doing best. I've been talking to S about all her job searching, and she's stressing me out a little bit. But now she's given up, I think, she isn't really giving me the whole story on it, but she's going to start her own marketing company. I wish her all the luck! And I'm hoping I'll be able to watch and learn from her experience in it all.

THE CLOUDS ARE IN THE SKY...

XEPY's Pandora Disk album was finally made available!!! I love it... oh my god I love it... J showed it to me the night leading into my International Accounting class, and I was just so incredibly in love with the song G.O. with Maslo, Vasco and K.Jun. I've been listening to it on my walks over the bridge to get to C's house at night, and it kind of puts me more at ease. Happy house beat, energetic, club mix kinda jam. It's getting me in the mood for summer - more then the weather, I have to say.

THERE'LL BE SUNSHINE

Dumbfounded, Jay Park and Clara Chung released their new single together! I actually quite like it, and I'm dying to see it done love... you have to peep it if you can, because this shit's real! Haha, though is it bad I'm more excited to see Kero One at the concert? =x I'm definitely willing to scream "I tried to find your record label in San Franciscoooo, I LOVE YOU!!!" because yes, his music was a cornerstone to my Hong Kong experience. Me and S just sitting in our room listening to 'In All The Wrong Places', because I loved Kero One and she loved a boy who loved Kero One. Fun times. Fun... but in the meantime, check out 'Clouds'!

MISS. UNDERSTAND

Long day... long long day. Wake up in the morning, and I've begun to feel as if already, things are at a standstill, that sense in which things have become routine, and in this, I am made extremely unhappy with this. Why? Because I don't like feeling as if I've become rooted down. I want to be made uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. There's so much I want to do... that I want to accomplish, and I feel as if it's not possible here. The present of this place seems to drag you down, and I doubt my happiness here. Not that I'm sad, or down, or depressed. Just contemplative of my future. I am graduating, after all. The adult world awaits: and the prospect of it is both frightening and exciting. I hope Stephanie follows through. It'd be nice to have a friend in Shanghai with me. The idea of having nobody that I know while I'm there... scares me. Secretly. A lot.

BECAUSE OF OUR AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP

I fought with J last night. Why? She's seeming distant, and it upsets me a little. Why? Well... I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm being bitter with her because I'm resentful that she isn't posting, and it's like, well damn girl, didn't you bust up on my ass to post ASAP, then said "I hope you won't try to get back at me for not posting in a while by taking a week"? Then have proceeded to write nothing in a week? Sigh. I mean, I get it. School, life, whatever. But it's so disparaging to hear that she's going to work on it and then nothing at all gets done. So last night I might have crossed the line because she was being so quiet with me, but at the same time, I felt like something had to be said about it. I chose my words poorly though. Sometimes, you misfire. And I didn't provide the quiet kill, no, I made it messy, and now I'm left thinking she's made embittered by my comment and will ignore me for a while. But as I said in my conversation with L on the matter, sometimes that's how things go. That, too, is life.

LIPS CLOSED TIGHTLY

I don't understand my father. Why he has to be so utterly disparaging about my internship opportunity. He tells me, "Why can't you just work with an organization in Ottawa, why can't you just stay with one that will give you travelling opportunities?". I come to him earlier today with news that my friend C got a job with Export Development Canada. I'm really happy for him. My father only looks at me saying "Well he'll be making more for you, and will have a chance to travel" and he proceeds to say that I'll be paid shit, and treated just the same while on my internship. And it's like... he hasn't listened to anything I plan to learn from this. I want to go forward, I want to know that I'll have the opportunity, and I need to do it while I'm young enough to be adventurous and fearless. I don't want to find a job here and just... settle. The nightmare of it consumes me. I don't think he understands how hurtful his comments are, and how they only serve to push me further away.

SHATTERED THE BITTERSWEET DREAM

Listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. Miss that feel, to be honest. There's something about those underground artists that sample the classics, jazz, soul, and I'm left a little breathless by the poetry and soliloquy presented to me. I feel so inferior in comparison in terms of skill. I often quote the lyrics when I write, because I feel their turn of phrases unloved, and I want to put it into some arena where at least someone will read them. Who knows if they are? It's more for me then anything. That's selfish but... that's why I write. Though I'm scared I'm losing my flair for it. C's up and writing again. She's so... fantastic. I don't think she understands the depth of it. Talking to her again makes me feel like the adult that I always pretend that I am. Actually feel it. She's an adult in a sense that always left me envious. I could never believe she was only a year older then me. Last night was interesting, we had a very in depth conversation, some exerts being:

C : the trick is not to overthink it

C : or let the fear carve out a permanent place

Z : i refuse to let it

Z : so even if i feel i'm not ready, i plan to approach my career the same way i appraoched losing my virginity - with a brave face, faking as if i know what to do until it feels right

C : hahahaha!

C : that is how life should be handled i feel

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY

I'm feeling a little ill. Stood outside in the cold for quite a long time today. I ate well - eggs (breakfast and dinner), an apple, banana, a little lean cuisine frozen lunch, and shrimp with soy sauce. I'm going to curl up and watch New York, I Love You in the early hours of my morning, after a nap and an injection of caffeine to help nurse me through the midnight hours so that I can study a little longer, push myself a little further. I'll work out a bit, make some tea, and keep going. Exams start next Thursday... I don't want to write them. I'm feeling quite broke, but I'll keep moving, and keep working. Hopefully my schedule will change for the better for work once exams are over. I'll be crossing my fingers. I leave off with a song I found from DJ Shinin' Stone, with Maslo and Keyreal. Love it!

RUN

Feeling kind of "oh my god" about life lately. Graduating in a month, and exams are coming up! Holy shit, right? There's only three, but I really have to get studying soon. It's just that the will to do so is nearly zero in me, I don't know. I should be focusing and really bringing it together. But I feel like I almost have 'tomorrow' syndrome because it's just like with these other internal promises I keep making with myself. I put it off longer and longer. But tonight I'm going to sit down and do a serious session between me and my slideshow notes. Then next with the textbook. The only person who can make things start is me! Tomorrow I'll hit up the gym as well, because I've been dying to do so. Also I'll try signing up with GoodLife as well for next month since my student gym coverage will run out. Sadface. But life's gotta get in order, and it's a serious investment of time and effort. Going to be an interesting time for sure.... for... sure...

TOUCH THE SKY WITH YOUR HANDS

Currently Skyping with S at the same time. She's all saying she wants to try to get into Shanghai with me now. How amazing would that be? It'll be me, and her, back in our Hong Kong days of fun, work, and leisurely taking life. We're discussing the growing up experience. We both seem out of it, tired, and utterly able to relate, and its times like this that I know for sure that I love her. Sigh.

FILLED WITH YOUR DREAMS

Must also find another job soon! I've got to get more moneyyyy!!! I've started applying but I know now is the worst time to find a job. God. And I have a horrible suspicion that I'm about to lose a shift at work because summer is coming. Aiiiish, cannot afford to do! Need gym membership, AIESEC fees, dental... so much to do, so little money. Things are going to get better though, I'll make sure of it.

WHAT AM I RUNNING TOWARDS?

I saw a movie last night. Pirate Radio. The best visual from that movie was when the boat was sinking, and there was just an array of vinyl albums just floating in masses... really beautiful stuff, actually. It was a sense of loss that I could understand in how the man that was swimming through it all, trying to clutch to his favourite albums, would want to risk life and limb for such a thing. His music was an essential extension of himself - he couldn't let those things simply go to waste. It was more then the physical possession of the album, it was all that it made him feel, all that made him realize what life was. And... yah. I loved that scene. Great movie, I felt it helped communicate that love for music even if the music they loved wasn't my style at all.

ABANDONED BY THE GALAXY

On a happy note though, one of my favourite groups, B2ST, just released a new MV today! It's for the song Say No. I loved it... and the MV is just beautiful, really. Eeee, I was so excited to watch it!!! Junhyung = definite sense of love. Heehee, excuse me while I fangirl the fuck out.

DAYUM, GIRL

So it seems as if I haven't updated in forever... and it just got pointed out to me.

Not really because of any reason: Life simply got busy. Then blogging fell onto the back burner as life moved forwards. Things have really been wonderful and exciting for me on many different levels, and I really couldn't describe it all. Nor do I really want to... haha, look to the future, after all! But it's a good exercise of soul simply to write a little more then my usual ridiculous amounts of fiction that I manage to put out on the weekly (all thanks to my lovely J, whom I cannot wait to see again!). Writing about the angst and tragic loves of others if fun, when you feel your own life is a little mundane. But I have a feeling my summer will be an exciting one.

As usual, boys seem to flit back into my life, both of the friendship and romantic variety. It's cool, I guess, but ill-timed. I just found out that I've been accepted on internship with AIESEC. I'm absolutely excited beyond belief. I've been assured that it will be quite easy to be placed in China, and of course I'm gunning for Shanghai. I'm graduating this semester... and I think that scary step will be blunted by the move to a new country. I'm also hoping to be posted for a year. Learn Mandarin. See the world. Find myself. It'll be fantastic, and I need to shake the sense of apathy that's gripped me since my return to Canada. I'm planning after that to apply for a year in Seoul. Learn Korean. Live with J for a bit, since she's on her way to transferring schools there. I mean... life seems so in place right now. I know plans change, don't work out, etc. But I want to be flexible, and think there's something to look forwards to. No harm, right?

Music scene is poppin' right now. I'm tripping on that harmony reminiscent, and J and I are plowing through massive amounts of underground k-rap and k-conscious to discover some fantastic finds. Right now, I'm really feeling CSP and Maslo. Blame her. They're fantastic, and Maslo is exactly my kind of style of music. Oh my god... the samples he's throwing into his tracks have me literally SHIVERING at times. And it just reminds me again how much, once upon a time, all I wanted to do was get into music. Dreams, gone. But it's alright. I'm happy with how things are at present, and hey, who knows what will happen later in life? Hahaha, from checking over blogs now, I see that S is really feeling Epik High, and if you're reading this, I knew you'd catch onto Over. Theme song to our lives, man, theme song to our lives. That album really committed murder on my soul... hahaha, crying over Skype with J as we listened to it song by song together. Those are the moments that help define, I think.

On the subject of music, am I the only one disappointed by the new Hyori MV? I mean... I really liked the concept photos that were coming out from her, even if they were too Lady Gaga-esque. Then she came out with that one with the chains, and I was thinking 'YES, Hyori's going back to the hip-hop phase' and she just... flailed. I don't know. I need to give H-Logic a good listen to first because I managed to find the leaked album before I give it my final judgment, but maybe I was just hoping for a continuation of what she started with It's Hyorish. U-Go-Girl and Hey, Mr Big were beastly, and I loved the look she had there. We'll see... as always, I wish her success though! The woman deserves it.

I guess I'll try to update a bit on how things have been in the past... 6 months. So much to cover! But hey, life ain't nothin' but time. Shout outs to T, because I miss you, and I'm praying that you're safe in Thailand right now. The mother in me is screaming, please, don't go out at night. And that I love you, and I can't wait to see you again.

SHOPAHOLIC

I'm so happy! Thailand was an amazing time. I had so much fun, and I'm happy to have spent so much time with everyone. Getting home was amazing though, I won't lie to you! It felt good to sleep in my own bed after being in all those hotels and guest houses. I think my favourite part was seeing C. I missed him so much, and it was nice, he held me in the cab when it was finally time to go back to the hotel around 3 am. Just like at home, you know? It made me a little homesick. But I talked to my brother today, and it was good, he managed to remind my dad to get in touch with me, haha!

I've also had my first midterm. I was sadddddened by how piss easy it was. But then I got my first quiz back and I did miserably! So it's back to the books for me, sigh, I can't be messing around forever. But it's hard when there's so much to do around you! I'm off to South Korea this weekend, and while I couldn't score tickets, I'm hoping to get some at the venue from people who need money. God I hope I can!? I'll be upset if I can't go but... you know what, it happens. Haha, no use being bitter, right? If it's going to happen, it will, and if it isn't, then there's no use crying over it.

I wonder when did people get so weird about being in love? So many adult factors seem to play into things in modern relationships. But isn't how you feel about the other person the most important thing? More then what they do or don't do, more then what they say or don't say... because no matter what's going on, you're the final decider. So why do we all let little things like that come in the way of things? Sigh. I don't know anymore. I'm a bit sick of it all to be honest.

South Korea though! I'm super pumped. I can't wait to go shopping! 2 more days!

HEARTBREAKER

I'm here now. On my exchange! It's been a few weeks, and I love this place. It's beautiful. It's hot. It's sticky, it's dirty, it's wonderful. I'm so happy I've taken this chance because I really feel that this will help define me for years to come. I'm so... pleased! School's started, but I have so much of this place to explore. For example, I will be visiting the giant Buddha with one of my lovely roommates soon. Go climb and discover beaches. I've bought tickets to concerts, and have dined in back alley restaurants that have blown my mind. Everything is cheap, and everyone is happy. The money... none of it seems to matter. I'm so happy. Really, truly. I want to become the best version of myself, and here is a place to help define that.

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

A lot of great music has come out lately! G-Dragon's solo album, and the Big Bang Japanese album both were great, though I would have expected a little more. I find so many people here willing to listen to Korean music, so I'm pretty pleased. In fact, I've started a Korean drama club, where we get together after classes to watch Korean television shows in our common room. They're pretty hilarious... we're currently working through Partner, and then we've Boys Over Flowers, Full House, and Coffee Prince to kill off. It's going to be fun! And it's a great way to make friends? I find it really easy here. Like the mainland boys, they're so helpful and friendly in my dorm. I met most of them through my roommate S, who is an absolute doll. I'll be visiting her in South California now on my Reading Break because she swears I'll love it. I know I will - she's from there! My other roommate, A, is from my hometown. She's so proper, and sweet... hahaha, and all of us take turns playing the responsible one. It's the official Girlmance to define our exchange!!!

COCO BEFORE CHANEL

I honestly don't know why, but the trailer for this movie makes me tear up each and every time. I can't wait for it to come out... it looks fantastic, lovely, and just... it tugs at me. It seems special... and on the subject of movies, I recently saw Inglorious Basterds, which was amazing! Tarantino really knows how to put together a fantastic film - and it had all of his trademarks, including clever dialogue, and random bouts of violence. I didn't see the Apple cigarettes, but he did manage to work in his foot fetish which made me giggle. Can't wait for his next film! Please, jesus, let it be Sin City!

WE GETTIN DOWN IN THE CLUB

The nightlife here is indescribable. I swear to you, I get so sick when drinking because it's free. Always free. To get in, to drink, everything. How will I ever go back home? It seems so primitive now! I'm going to have to make the move here for work because I know myself, and I will never be satisfied now that I've had a taste of something better. Each night seems to overshadow the last.... be it going to a club, going for dinner, or just hanging out in the dorm room. It's really difficult to believe it's only been a week since I've arrived, because it feels like forever. And I'm still flying on that honeymoon high. I don't miss anyone yet... but it will come. But for now, I shall enjoy.

FANATICAL

Sigh. I've fallen behind on posting again. Things are just busy, but not, so it's hard to really put down excuses when we're talking about a personal blog, for me. Thank god it isn't another assignment is all, I guess. I kind of liked being able to break things down into topics like I did last time, since really, there are so many things that I end up involving myself in that it's insane, and hard to really organize any other way. So let's begin?

C AND WATCHING THE WATCHMEN

C, baby, if I cared about you in a way other then friendship, we'd be perfect together. Thanks for dragging me out last night, drinking with me (and making my drinks weaker, although only after some pleading on my part), and watching that awesome movie. Thanks for hitting on me, because it was kind of cute, even though we both feel nothing and it's just for fun. Thanks for driving around with me for an hour just listening to old school Gorillaz and Radiohead, while we talked about our upcoming exchanges, the philosophy and reasons why behind them, and where we're gonna be. The rain coming in through the open windows of the car that you insisted on, the both of us getting soaking wet but not caring, sobering up in those glistening moments. You're one of the few people who really tell it to me straight, and I appreciate you so much for this. When you tell me that I'm going to be successful, I really believe you because you wouldn't bullshit like that. Real shit, no talk, right? You're the kind of guy my dad tells me I should date (mentioned by name, no less), and you know, he's right, you're that right kind of person exactly. You're just not it for me, is all. But you're that person I'll be comparing others to, and maybe I'll tell you that one day if you weren't already so cocky. But you know, even if I didn't say it to you in the car last night, you're right, I'm probably a lot more down to earth and honest with other people because we spend so much time hanging out. I was being a spoilt princess when we first started hanging out, because I was in that painful place where I wasn't really sure how to reconcile the breakup with what everyone was saying. You always just listened, and kicked me when I was blabbering too long about it, and we'd just get high and watch the stars... I needed those things then. Thanks for giving them to me. Thanks for always shutting me down when I need to be, and being a great friend. Even if you say you don't believe in things like love, affection, relationships, I hope that you do find that spark and desire for it while you're in Thailand like you said, because really, you will make someone very happy one day, and you deserve to have someone make you very happy as well. Thanks for making me feel like a kid, a girl, and a woman at all the right moments. Here's to the times you've carried me over puddles, made me food, told me that I was an idiot, and warned me about guys I shouldn't chase. Thanks, C, for being you.

SOUNDTRACK TO A LOST FILM

This soundtrack is amazing. Done by DJ Pe2ny and Tablo (together known as Eternal Morning), it's a instrumental album that just SPEAKS to you. The titles of the songs are things like Rainclouds in my Room, and Holden Caulfield, Fingerprints... and you know, the songs that correspond to them really fit. The song that really got me was Father's Watch, I think I actually teared up the first time I heard it. I'd love to see someone set a bunch of mini-stories to these songs. I think it would be amazing - a truly worthwhile project. I think the album is beautiful... and I'd love to see these two amazing artists collaborate again. I mean ya, Epik High just dropped Remixing the Human Soul (their remix and re-cute album of some of their songs) but it doesn't have that gentle touch to it like this album. I really feel when I hear it. I think it's the kind of music that makes a difference, and cares about itself rather then how many copies it sells. It's art - pure and simple. And I love it. I could honestly write an entire blog post just on each song, how they make me feel, and how I think they just work. But... while I had plans, like everything, they don't always work.

CLIQUES, THE A-LIST, WHATEVER

Dear fucking Jesus in heaven, I've had enough of this high school crap. I'm mad that you're going to giggle off with one person, and ignore the hard work put in by another. Cait... you shouldn't have been shut down the way you were by those girls, it was wrong, and you are so much better then that. And while I want to blame it on their age, their lack of experience and exposure, whatever, it can be put down that at times, some people are just rotten. We all have our moments... but I hope you don't keep feeling sad. You're wonderful - and I care too much to let some stupid young children get you down on yourself.

THE JOB, THE FINANCES

It's coming up... the exchange. In one month today, I'll be landing in Hong Kong. I'm scared - I'm elated. I worked it all out, and between my two jobs, my OSAP, my loans, and whatever else, I'll have the money I need by August. I'm worried though, at the same time, because once I'm out of money, I'm out, and I'm screwed! There's a lot of stuff I want to do while I'm there... places to see, people to meet, boys to flirt with, things to buy... experience, basically. It'll be the longest I've ever been away from home, and I need to grow up a little, personality and maturity wise. I'm a weak person - I try too hard with others and I find it hard to relax and be myself. I want to be able to say 'fuck convention', and really mean it instead of saying it for showy reasons, which is honestly how it is most of the time. I take things too seriously... I got to lighten up. There's a lot of things I need to work on, but hopefully this will help guide the way. Haha... I want to be the best version of myself possible, I guess. Isn't that a natural desire? I think I can do it. I want it, breath it, work for it, but I think the dedication is waning. I need to reinvigorate myself. China, baby, be that inspiration for me. But it's hard to think of that while I'm still doing work. It's so boring here right now... but I think when the contract ends and I'm in Toronto (hopefully enjoying some sun!?) it'll really hit me.

THE PARTY'S IN TOWN, WHERE ARE YOU?

So my girl C is coming into town next Thursday from Lethbridge, and I'm pretty keen to see her. She's like... well... male C! Very straightforward and honest. I like her a lot - I was really sad when she left to go move away for university. I know this means I'll be drinking more, going out every night, and living that bad lifestyle, but for the both of us that kind of thing is a rarity. It's meant to be shared with close friends, rather then just doing it for the sake of it; I think I forgot that before. But, being on better bearings, I'm happy she'll be here. I hope it's a good trip, because for L and me (both housing her in the time she's here) it's busy, with me handling my family reunion, and L handling her exams. What a week it's going to be! She'll be here Thursday afternoon... I'm thinking treats for dinner, unpacking, cleaning, and just being! Movies, maybe, even. L and I are getting to be better friends too, so the awkwardness that trailed C's last visit should be all but gone. I love L, but sometimes, girl, you're so dense and you have to realize the things you say, and how you say them, can come off as rude and not 'blunt', like you say. But that's kinda past, isn't it? I'm excited. The funny thing is, Q is also apparently coming into town that weekend. I will not be getting together with him. He's bad in the ways that aren't good for me, and I'm planning on just letting him stay with A and be bored or party or whatever. I've got my hands full and I don't need his drama! Especially since I don't know if R is coming with him or not. That would be trouble and a half. I haven't even spoken to either of them in months, so I don't know why Q, at least, is playing buddy buddy. I'm not selling what you're looking for, kid, so... off with you.

FINALS HAVE ARRIVED

And the last item on the agenda is the final presentation that I've got to do for my class. I'm terrified - I'm worried I'll make some stupid mistake and fail the class. It's not an option. But I'm piss-my-pants kind of scared over it. I can't wait to be done with it, and I'm going to practice practice practice all weekend until I nail it down tight. I CAN DO IT!!!

RAIN CLOUDS IN MY ROOM

So I'm at this concert today for Brian Blade, and it's me, my brother, my dad, and we're all on lawn chairs, after having eaten food from the cool little shops that open just for the Jazz Festival every year in Confederation Park. The music was slow paced... so unlike the Blade I'm used to listening to. He's usually all over the place, yet in this amazing harmony with everyone else. But he was quiet today... and it felt almost spiritual to listen to him. And you know, he still had that look on his face, like he was in absolute rapture while playing. I wish I knew what he felt and what he sees when he plays, the kind of feelings that seem to overwhelm him so utterly that he can't help but smile that way. It inspired me, to the point where I typed out a quick, dirty, and amazingly museful reply for my new girl, Reku, who I met last night, and put it up. In 30 minutes. 1,504 words! I'm getting good there, haha. Listening to Eternal Morning's soundtrack, and I can't get over Tablo's creativity. I'm moved. Elated. And filled with this sense of amazement. I can't believe music stopped doing that for me. I'm happy that I found it again.

It's a wonderful feeling.

ETERNAL MORNING

It's been a while since I last posted, but my life is so fragmented right now (in a way that I'm loving, in a way that I can't help myself) that it's been hard to sit down and actually write something. But there's a lot that should be written, because my god, I can't keep things straight anymore. I'm tripping this fantastic high, happy with the things I have, and working towards the things that I want, and you know, dissatisfaction has no place here, not now. So, I'm going to break things into fragments here, and just go off on it, because really, free thought form is so much easier, you know?

C AND THE SWINGS INCIDENT

There's this guy, we'll call him C, and he and I get along great. I'm not feeling him, he's not feeling me, but he really knows how to make me smile. We're drinking in a park, and I've got my peach schnapps in hand, and we're on the swings because I really missed how it was like. It just reminded me of the days when I would pick up my bike and go to the park when I lived at Corkery, loving the way my hair felt in the wind as I rode past life, trying hard not to drop the CD player in my hand. I don't remember if I was lonely then, but I wasn't now, and he was laughing because I was actually moving hard to swing, my alcohol in hand, drinking the whole time. And he came around, pushed me until I was airborne. And when it was clear that I was trying to stop he just came around, and wrapped his arms around me, an immovable force hitting an immovable object. And he just kind of held me for a bit. C has this thing where he likes to cuddle if we watch movies together, and it sometimes weirds me out but it's ok, and you know, I like having someone like him around. I don't get so lonely with him there, you know? Breaks my heart, sometimes, when I think about how it used to be between me and P, lazy afternoons spent lounging in bed and watching television series. If someone's there to give that affection, it kind of kills the temptation to simply run and find someone, anyone, to fill that space, you know?

PRESENTATIONS CLASS

It's really not as bad as I thought it would be, and I'm taking it one step at a time, killing my presentations, and steadily improving on my written reports. I'm happy with the final topic I chose (Nintendo's falling market share) and I'm almost done! I'll be finishing it off with B tomorrow at school. I wonder how the final boardroom presentation will go?

JAE-BABY, RO-BABY, AND THE NEW SITES

Met some amazing girls lately, I'm so in love. We're vibing off of this creative element that I haven't felt since Cait dropped out of the game, and I can't help but get really excited talking to them. They're introducing me to some new stuff, new music, and they're kicking up ideas in me that I never thought before. I got something fresh for everything that we've planned, and I've never been writing so much, so quickly. Girls, you've woken up love in me again, and this torture is killing me! I can't wait to finish up all the shit we got going on, because for real, you're making me feel like love is kind of possible again. I haven't been writing... and you both reminded me how much I missed her, and I'm so lucky to have met you. Can't wait to see all the magic we can conjure, huh? I'm just hope I'm not moving too fast for you girls, sorry, I can't help it when I get excited.

KOREAN MUSIC

Okay, when the hell did this shit get so hot? I've got more hope in the music industry over in Korea then I do back here at home, and that's saying a lot, especially with the new Lupe joint hitting in December. But I mean... the music I'm finding is hitting it hard, and hitting its mark. Big Bang totally owns my heart! Before, it was just Epik High, but now that I've opened myself up to more, I'm really loving it. The sound and the flow just really get to me. And if that isn't perfection, what is? I'm feeling again. The Soundtrack To A Lost Film album by Eternal Morning is just too perfect for words, an instrumental album that Tablo collaborated on. TBNY (the basement noise yellas), where the hell did you come from, my dreams!? Your flow is incredible. The style that the artists rock also blow my mind, and I'm definitely got something to gun for. Baby, it's a package! I've got better incentive for the gym (it's 4 times a week now, sigh), a better sense of mixing and matching, and really, I'm caring about music again, none of that mixtape shit that I'm used to listening to for a week, then tossing it cuz I'm bored, and I've got a new one at home. I mean, what is that? Music was never meant to be disposable. I was meant to shake your soul, baby, and I found it again! Kinda makes me sad, though, to know that the motherland (China) won't ever be at that level, not until we loosen up with that whole communism thing. It isn't doing any favours, ok!? I'm sure there are so many people with the kind of music I want to listen to inside of them. Damn your censorship!

THE PERFECT MAN - TABLO, G-DRAGON, T.O.P.

I was trying to explain to P my perfect man. After thinking about it, I came up with 3 names, all Korean (what the hell?) because they all had something in their artistry, their personality, their style, that I felt I could fall in love with. He laughed. Said it was impossible. You know what? I'm going to find that man. Not the boy, because I've been with the boys, and I honestly cannot handle that bullshit anymore, but the man. And in the interim, I'm going to become the woman worth being loved by that man. It's time to grow up, lady, and really put yourself into it. That means study, gym, and really... just listen. Sometimes, I'm obnoxious, but it's because I'm trying so hard that I sometimes lose track of myself in the process. But really... if I can't be myself, what's the point? Life happens on its own schedule, and I'll find someone you know? No point in crying over it. Until then, I can watch these guys, and feel the twinges of love in my heart, haha, because sometimes loving from afar is a lot nicer then loving someone for real.

HOLLA AT CHA BOI

Same conversation with P. I was lamenting the current dating scene in Ottawa. "You know, B was that last chance I gave it, you know?" and he was laughing, telling me I definitely picked the wrong person. Too bad, I guess. He had that same kinda boyishness of GD, had the perceived intelligence and depth of Tablo, and the occasional quietness of T.O.P. I thought it was perfect! I mean when he introduced himself, he said "What it do?" which made me melt a little on the inside. But I guess without experience, a boy is just a boy, and not a man. Too bad, B, I thought you were perfect. The hype was too much for me, I guess, because the more I got to know you, the sadder I was. You're all the things I want, but you don't have that confidence that a man has. Who knows? Maybe things will be different when I get back from HK. Cause I know for sure, I'll be a different person - a woman, finally. But I got to be honest, you killed the last hope I had in Ottawa.

AND THE REST

Music is really moving me. I'm just fucking happy, you know? Got a new car with the family (sweet!), got a new PS3 (yahoo!), and I'm probably getting a car when I get back into the country in January. Joy! I'm really busy, and life is generally a huge rush but I'm almost out of here. I'm excited to see what this will all be like. To be gone, that is. HK will be a huge change, but I'm looking forward to have things shaken up for me. I wonder if I'll be ok? I want to spend hours in the glorious (and apparently ridiculously hot) sun, just being. It's soon! So soon! Counting the weeks, days, hours, and the minutes.

TOP GUN

What a difficult week. Not in terms of stress, or lack of sleep, just in other general terms. Poor dad, he's got kidney stones, and my brother's struggling with another weekly crisis of identity. I think it's times like this I really wish I could drive. It would make things easier, and relieve some of the burden on dad. I think the only upside to it is that the report I've got to do for this week is only a letter, though there will be a full presentation to do. I've got to get started on that.

Today, I slept in super late. It was glorious. I spent all day just writing, and watching movies. I ended up watching the Other Boleyn Girl. It wasn't exactly a phenomenal movie, but it is inspiring in its own way. It really does show the power a woman can hold over someone... who knew that sex was such a motivating factor? How lucky, for us, to be psychologically more plastic in terms of our needs. Meaning... if we want it, we won't go through extreme measures to get it. I mean, the greatest art on this planet is typically dedicated to a woman, or is done in the name of getting a woman. I suppose this is supposed to be comforting. To know that all it takes is a little lust to get anything you want. I don't know, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. After having used those kinds of wiles to my advantage all of last summer, I only found how empty things felt at the end of the day. The only guys that ever managed to really catch my attention were the ones who were immune to such things. Chasing the unattainable. Is it honest attraction, or just me being just... well, wanting someone that I can't have. Who knows? All that matters, I guess, is that if I'm willing to put aside happiness, I'll be able to get anything I want. But isn't that the case for anything, not just men?

I've made almond jello, and it's setting in the fridge, though I was a little sad to find out that there's no fruit cocktail to go along with it. I could try making something else to go along with it, like strawberries, orange and pineapple, though I suspect it wouldn't be as nice as the traditional. I'm thinking of making orange-walnut-almond salad for lunch at work tomorrow, which hopefully be enough. I'm trying to get off eating as much meat as I do. I mean... protein comes from other courses too. Hopefully the walnuts and almonds will do the trick. Must stay on this stupid diet! It's getting warmer every week, though today you would never know. It's so grey. I would have liked it if it had rained though. Maybe it will later tonight? I'm hoping to read on the couch with a pot of tea. I'm loving this new Rufus Wainwright phase. I miss this kind of moving music. Tomorrow's going to be a new week. We'll see how it goes!

STEP BACKWARDS

It's late afternoon, and the sun is hanging lazily in the sky. The temperature is cool, but controlled, within my school building, and I'm walking along with a friend, talking, when I run into (finally) another friend, whom hands me my order from mapthesoul.com. I'm pretty excited. Beyond Epik High's status as one of my favourite groups, they have the kind of lyricism that brings me to my knees. I'm wondering how the book, both written by the group, and a separate one written by Tablo, will work out.

I'm on the bus when I finally read it. The first few pages are enough to literally bring tears to my eyes. I'm moved - there is a sense of love and loss in those pages that I haven't really experienced since I first started reading Cait's writing between R and M. It's a long bus ride - about forty minutes. I'm smiling one moment, choking on emotion the next. It's like opening your eyes again. When did I help to numb myself? I don't think contemplating such times really helps. But I'm happy, right here, right now, to be able to see clearly. My hands are shaking a little, and I'm wishing the day was warmer, and I was outside, sitting in the iron-wrought chairs of a cafe, drinking hot, black coffee and I'm dying for a cigarette for the first time in ages. I shouldn't have had that cigar with C a couple of nights ago. It's breeding bad habits.

I'm left longing for easier times, but embracing the hardships of the here and now. I'm feeling inspired in the deepest sense, and I'm hoping that it's here to stay, a driving force, a constant reminder that I'm here, living. Seeing this beautiful, ugly, twisted, wonderful world. The only way to truly experience it is to keep living, without fear, but sensibly. Only when this tiny thin line can be walked, can I be, heart and soul, an adult. Until then, I am a child feeling about in the dark, making mistakes and learning, so that I can reach that goal.

As Tablo wrote - my dream is the starting line and the finish line.

THE ANTHEM

These are songs that had a message, that inspired, or were just a great example of lyricism and artistry. The songs that make you believe in music again. Lyrics are given if available, but I definitely think all of these songs are more than worth a listen.

Anthony David with India.Arie - Words

Asheru - Revolution

Asheru with Talib Kweli - Mood Swing

AZ with Rakim - The Format

Basic Vocab - Come Get With It

Black Star with India.Arie - Hopelessly

Black Star - Respiration

Busta Rhymes with Mary J Blige, Jamie Foxx, Common and John Legend - Decision

Coldplay - Yes

Common - Finding Forever

Common with Bilal - Black, Maybe

Common with Will.i.Am - I Have a Dream

Common - Nag Champa

Common - I Used to Love H.E.R.

Common with Lauryn Hill - Retrospect for Life

Common with Dug Infinite - Infinite State

Danger Doom with Talib Kweli - Old School

Death Cab for Cutie - Soul Meets Body

Death Cab for Cutie - Brothers on a Hotel Bed

Epik High with 김연우 - My Ghetto

Epik High - Wordkill

Epik High with 나윤권 - Ignition

Epik High with Itta - 거미줄

Epik High with DJ Zio - 선곡표

Epik High with MYK - Map The Soul

Esthero - We R In Need Of A Musical Revolution

Esthero with Jellie Stone and Gemini - Fastlane

Fiona Apple - Criminal

Jamia Simone Nash - Raise It Up

India.Arie - Get it Together

Jamie Cullum - Oh God

Jill Scott - Golden

John Legend - Ordinary People

John Mayer - I Don't Trust Myself With Loving You

John Mayer - Belief

John Mayer - Gravity

K Sparks with Julius Francis - Sunshine

Kanye West - All Falls Down

Kid Cudi - Higher Up

L.E.G.A.C.Y. - The Trail

L.E.G.A.C.Y. - Two Sided Coin

Lily Allen - Everything's Just Wonderful

Lily Allen - Everyone's At It

Lupe Fiasco - Hip-Hop Saved My Life

Lupe Fiasco with Nikki Jean and Bishop G - Little Weapon

Lupe Fiasco - The Coolest

Lupe Fiasco with Matthew Santos - Streets On Fire

Lupe Fiasco - Kick, Push

Lupe Fiasco with Jill Scott - Daydreamin'

Mary J Blige with Big Boi - Something's Gotta Give

Moka Only - Search

Mos Def - Universal Magnetic

MYK - Dazed and Amazed

Nas with Alicia Keys - Warrior Song

Nas - Hip Hop is Dead

Outasight with Ced Hughes - Radio, Radio

Outkast - Church

P.H.E.A.R. - I Love Her Again

Phene - The Spokesman

Pocket Dwellers - Anoxia II

Pocket Dwellers - Shine

Rascalz with Esthero - Priceless

The Roots with Wale and Chrisette Michele - Rising Up

The Roots with Erykah Badu - You Got Me

Rufus Wainwright - Going To A Town

Rufus Wainwright - Memphis Skyline

St. Laz with Geolani - Dolla Circulate

Talib Kweli with Kanye West, Roy Ayers - In The Mood

Tribe Called Quest - Electric Relaxation

Tribe Called Quest - Find a Way