TODAY, OR NEVER

Today was one of those 'feel good' days. I got together with T after work, after getting so many of my documents updated. We went to have frozen yogurt, walked around the mall, and eventually settled on going for pho in Chinatown. It was pouring rain outside, and slightly chilly... I didn't bring an umbrella. I'm not thoughtful like that. But T is! He brought an extra large one and we managed to navigate the lonely night world with a high success rate. Not only that, but he bought me prescription circle lenses. I'm so happy! Pho tasted amazing... and secret exchanges of information were a necessity. Apparently, I am predictable. But I'm somewhat okay with this, because it's predictable in things that I'm content with, like, how I'd rather pursue a relationship then a fling, and how I'm happier with fewer relationships then a lot. I ended up having to get off the bus right into pouring pouring drench-you-through rain. It was kind of liberating. I walked through it, singing and kind of dancing, because nobody would see me and because I wanted to. Fun and spontaneous moments in life. What would we do without you?

I JUST WANNA LEAVE YOU

I kinda wish I was back in Blaine. Silly little town, with silly little people, and one special person. Funny, how all you need is that one person? Maybe that's how life is. It's kind of not fair. I miss Hong Kong for that exact reason, everyone was kept so closely together in those dorms, and god, it made life so simple. If I was lonely, I'd call up J and he and I'd be off for a walk in the park ten minutes later. I'd roll over and poke S and we'd have a talk about the nature of love. A would be there for laughs, and V would give me a call at 4 am just to say what's up. I miss it. I want it. I want J to be there for it. Home girl is strong, and I love her, but I'm scared that I found someone that I get long with so soul-consumingly, but she lives so far away. Makes me sad... Is it bad I kinda daydream off about what it would be like if I lived there? Work some finance job downtown, live in a charming apartment, with her, whoever else, grow plants on the balcony and walk everywhere. Haha. I'm crazy. Toronto's a quick approaching reality, and I'm not sure how braced I am for it.

I DON'T WANNA HOLD YOU

S is freaking out. I don't know what's up, but he's going crazy. Emotionally. I suspect. I wonder where he's at? S drops but in the morning, and she's brought be soup because I'm sick the other day, and we consult the boys from different perspectives. I don't know why she's still dating M. Sounds like he's getting increasingly bad, but the funny thing is, when I hear from S it sounds like really, S is the one not doing anything. I guess it all boils down to the way you look at it. I certainly don't miss that part of relationships. Fictitious works of gossip flying every which way. I don't know - at least she's in one, but I'd rather be single then with someone who makes me mad. But arguments are supposed to be a normal part of relationships. The shit we put ourselves through - the excuses made when you're in love. She leaves. M apparently only then reaches back out to S. Funny... he's so angry and worried. He won't tell me why. I'm worried.

MY SOUL IS CRYING

The next month is so busy. Everyone is on vacation, and I'm one of the few people left at work to fill hours. On the plus side, I'll make loads of money. Loads of it. Finally. On the bad side, I'll be so busy... which is annoying when I've managed to build up a site that's flourishing so well. I'm writing tons and tons and tons, and I'm happy, I really am, but god, I wish it wasn't so much work. I wish there wasn't such petty drama associated with it. I wanna pick up. I wish K would follow through and help start that business. He has someone to introduce me to, A, who wants to start import and export out of Korea. I'm game. I need something, anything, to feel more useful then I do now. Sigh... I'm no longer as angry about this as I was before. Perhaps I've fallen into a routine. I need to save myself.

SO SAD...

So really, this has to be one of my favourite MVs ever. It's by Epik High, featuring K.Will, and it's called Music is my Life. Not only is the song ridiculously amazing, there's something about just... the way it's shot, and how everything is put together that really makes me smile every time I see it. Sometimes it's about more then you think.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW

It's really been a bit of a whirlwind. Exams are over and I'm left able to relax for my whole weekend, since I'm home in Toronto for a bit. It's actually quite nice! I'm considering finding a summer job here, because it'd be all right for the first time in a while. I get along with my mom and her husband, the house is close to downtown, and frankly, there's more opportunity to work. Sigh. We'll see how things go, but so far it's very tempting. I think it helps that all I've done on arrival is get my nails done, and sleep, and watch crime dramas on loop. It's fantastic! I haven't been able to take a break like this in months, almost. Though I fear I'm overeating - my mom keeps endless snacks here and I've got to practice better self control.

THE Q IS BACK

So the plans for this week are quite nice. Toby's birthday dinner will be Monday, since Lee was utterly booked for Friday and Saturday. I'm excited, I love the food there, and I always feel a little star-stunned eating there. I'm hoping they have the same sticky rice and coconut milk dessert as there was last time! You couldn't imagine how hard it was to find that in Asia... but this will be nice to do, for him and only him, because hey, you only turn 20 once. I hope he enjoys it! I made the booking on my own, but hopefully it works.

MOVE TO THE RIGHT, STEP, AGAIN

I'm hoping to buy a few new books tomorrow! I miss reading, and now I've time to catch up. I'm thinking of the new Jeff Lindsey book, and see what else might catch my eye - it's time that I refresh my writing style a bit. Not that it's suffering too horrible, J got a sample of what I've been working on lately, and she said it was the best she'd read from me... which was really, honestly, nice to hear. I spent a lot of today hand coding a piece of an application for one of our websites and I was really really pleased with the outcome. I sourced some of it from a website, then coded the rest of it out, and I'm really happy with it! I'm learning a bit better on how to do things, which was a great realization because S is telling me that she's got some work for me to do in LA if I've got the time... which is all I have right now. Strides forward? I'm hoping so.

COME ON EVERYBODY

That restless feeling hasn't really left me. Admittedly, I feel a bit better on it all but generally, I feel quite stressed for some reason. I'm doing all I can to find some sense of purpose right now, and it's quite a... different place to be in. I don't know how to explain it, but C said it's the awkward hatching of student to adult. I'm sure I'll be fine, but at the moment I'm horrified, haha! I'll be seeing A on Monday, and hopefully she'll be sharing this with me so that we can be freaked out together.

LET THE MUSIC DIFFUSE ALL ATTENTION

Here's a look at one of the commercials I thought really hit it... amazing, Adidas, you really proved yourself.

OH CONTRARY

Feeling so accomplished today. I did a lot! I managed to go make a series of needed phone calls... and I helped to clear up several paperwork issues to be concluded tomorrow. I feel like I'm in a weird mood, you know? I was all inspired to write and just be earlier, but ended up doing nothing with it. Maybe I'm frustrated. I don't know. I lost all motivation and desire... poof. But I'm sure it'll come back, it always does. I saw a really cool movie tonight though! The Losers, based off of this old DC comic. I enjoyed it a lot, even if the boy I ended up going with wanted me to date him seriously afterwards, which wasn't something I was really down with. I don't know, I'd rather date someone I'm more interested in? Hahaha, how awkward. I'm waiting for inspiration to come hit me again... I got a lot of stuff down on paper yesterday, when I'd finished my last exam. It was beautiful, you know? Knowing that I was 100% done with school. It's both exhilarating and frightening. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but it's time to set forth into the world.

Are you ready for me?

ENJOY YA SELF

Sunday, oh Sunday.

I'm listening to one of the best remixes to Musiq Soulchild's Just Friends right now. Loving it. I woke up late today after spending the whole night and morning talking to both J and the new boy (maybe new boy?) B. Those 7 am crash outs are always fun to deal with, hahaha. I'm slowly making progress with my studying but feeling so stuck on it all. Sigh. Goal. Read one more chapter. Start accounting. I can do it! Tomorrow I'll review slides from work for Cross Cultural Management. I can do it!

MY BROTHERS AND MY LADIES

Hahaa, I hate to start with a little hate, but really, I want to send a big EFF YOU R!!! Wow, I mean... I already lost a lot of respect for you prior to today. Not only did you drop off the face of the planet after cheating on your ex boyfriend for the boy you're currently screwing and NOT dating (after how long now?), the boy you screwed within the day of meeting and then proceeded to lie about hooking up with to me for four months, but you're going to blame your current hiatus on me? Weak man, weak. Saying you're 'afraid' to talk to me and you want me to 'chill out' when you haven't talked to me in a month is really lame. Especially since you ditched to go write what kind of is akin to non-stop porn with some other people, even abandoning little R. That's cold. Really cold. Really, you need to stop blaming the world for your bad decisions, and look to yourself. Something is wrong. Wrong. And I really ain't all that interested in the shit talking you've been doing lately, because I'm an adult and I will have an adult conversation with you if you so choose. Otherwise, suck it, girl. I'm not interested in the high school drama you're trying to raise with me.

WE GONNA TAKE IT BACK

As the end of exams creep up, I'm left wondering - what to do with the free time that's soon about to stir me? I've got several things I'd like to do. Start going to the gym everyday, pick through my music files and get rid of the crap I no longer listen to, start improving my Mandarin, start being more social again. Not that I haven't been, it's just that around exams I become very hermit-like in my habits, only really venturing out of the house to go grocery shopping and to go to work and exams themselves. Things I must soon invest in: the repayments of my credit cards, the repayments of my OSAP, my internship fees, gym membership, tickets to go to New York, and tickets to go to Seattle. With the potential advent of S moving with me to Shanghai, I don't think I need to go back to California. Therefore, seeing C is of higher priority, as well as M. I'm scared. I don't know where I'm going to find this money... but I'm praying my mom might pull through with some kind of "present" along the lines of the 21st birthday gift she gave me when I went to Hong Kong. Relief would be nice... but it's hard for a girl when there's so much to buy! Thankfully, I'm done with clothing shopping and of the like for a while. Time to really buckle down... how unfun!

BY WAYS OF MARVIN GAYE AND STEVIE

I hate being ill, because it drains me of all energy and will to accomplish anything. I'm tired, I lack hunger, and I'm very listless... and Sunday television sucks. I had a bowl of my soup and a bowl of cereal, an exact replication of my total meals yesterday, and likely this sentiment will carry onto tomorrow. Exams are closing in... and I don't know how prepared I am, despite the massive amounts of reading that I am doing. Will it help? Am I wasting my time? Sigh. Tomorrow, I must drop by C's house and pick up the textbook from him so that I may get a closer interaction with the accounting standards work that I'll be forced to go through for my Thursday exam. It can be done! Just another week and I'm done with all of this.

I'MMA MAKE YOU FEEL SO GOOD

Believe in something more

When the walls fall in

Always remain hopeful

SKIP TO THE MOON

I'm laughing. Last night was pretty nice, actually. After the night, after I'd long ago given up the theory contained in my textbooks and slide shows, I was Skyping until the disgusting hours of the morning with S. Girl really does got her head on straight, I promise you that. We're always laughing. Complaining about boys. Feeling a little bit broken. She's one of the rare few girls in which I truly get along with... but I think it's because she and I were both raised on a steady diet of boys, and their laid back attitude. We were looking for jobs and debating the meaning of growing up. About the things we have to give up in order to accomplish our dreams. Really, as I said to J a week ago, I think I'd honestly be happiest ifI were on a couch in some basement studio, listening to people create visionary hip-hop. I've seen the cheap B-movie version of it from the times I've flitted through Scarborough, with boys that front like they were men, but I'm looking for the realness that they lacked. One day, one day.

EXPOSE FOR THE MASSES

Around 11 pm last night, C tells me that she's heard a friend of hers has committed suicide. His last update on Facebook is the line from a movie, "I don't think I can make it to the party". It's both insipid and beautiful, splendid in its selfish statement of intellectual superiority. They were close... had talked within the last 2 days, no less. I'm praying for her, in the limited way I know how. I know it's a horrible blow, and it feels so far away from me... maybe that's callus of me. I haven't had someone close to me die in quite a while. The last one was for my great grandmother, 98, memory lost to too many sad sights and happy births. It lead to so many things, that funeral. I think you can really only take what life you can from the deaths of others...

24 KG LASERS

DEFINITELY was super lame today and decided to apologize to J in the form of a playlist. I don't know, I find something deeply lovely in that. Like a quote I'm fully stealing from Audible Mainframe's song, Redwine & Xanex, if only I could say the words that I played for you in that last song. I'm a pretty articulate individual, but sometimes it's hard when you know the reason why you're not talking now is no longer you, or them, but rather the nature of the other human being. What to do? I'm fine with it. Understanding is more then half the battle. And at this point, I know how J can be. I'm not made angry or hurt by it... it's just how she is sometimes. I hope she likes it though! It took forever to upload the songs onto a host so that they could be sorted into Mixpod. Bloody thing has such a limited music database. I enjoyed it none-the-less, and it was a welcome distraction from my textbooks. Finished the last of chapter 7 slides for accounting and I've read chapter 6 of fixed income, and 7 and 10 are to follow! Then I'll settle with watching the movie I didn't get to watch last night. Sigh. Nice night planned!

GRASP ON THE HEELS OF APOLLO

So I got sick after all. Staying up late does that to a person. I've spent the day sleeping and made some homemade chicken soup, which I found particularly comforting. I have a feeling that will be the staple of my diet while living away, because I find it the food that best puts me at ease. Plus it's pretty easy to make! Really, you just need ginger, a whole chicken, rice, and pepper. So simple, but so good. And pretty healthy too! I'm working out a bit today and tonight again, trying to remind my body of activity. Going to look into signing up at the gym once exams are done. Must get back in shape, must get back in shape...

GIVE ME SOME LOVE AND THEN I GLOW

The movie was incredible. I haven't seen something that good in so long. Truly a fantastic film, and I cannot believe that it wasn't released commercially. Well I can, and I can't, because it's a very artistic film, and not exactly a popular one. I saw acting talent, however, in a lot of actors and actresses that I thought didn't have any of it. Very impressed. It was all poetry and vision, and I wish I had the time to watch more movies like this. It reminds me of when I used to dedicate my time to a boy, him and I, and we would sit on this couch and watch endless movies, only interrupted by personal needs. Beautiful... I'm so impressed.

I'M ON THE GRIND

Boys are crazy! I wonder why they think I want to hear things about how they're still into their exs. Now I wonder if I was like that in the post-P period. I think it's silly. These are private things that are better discussed in person rather then msn... I have a feeling the date we're going to have is going to be horrid.

WE ABOUT TO GO LIVE

Still can't let go of this song... it's a huge reason why CYNE definitely is the top favourite amongst the underground hip-hop scene. Last time they toured was over a year ago... I'm honestly crossing my fingers that they play a show soon. I will so drop everything to fly down to see them. Being able to see this kind of creativity up close and personal would be soul-completing.

MISS. UNDERSTAND

Long day... long long day. Wake up in the morning, and I've begun to feel as if already, things are at a standstill, that sense in which things have become routine, and in this, I am made extremely unhappy with this. Why? Because I don't like feeling as if I've become rooted down. I want to be made uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. There's so much I want to do... that I want to accomplish, and I feel as if it's not possible here. The present of this place seems to drag you down, and I doubt my happiness here. Not that I'm sad, or down, or depressed. Just contemplative of my future. I am graduating, after all. The adult world awaits: and the prospect of it is both frightening and exciting. I hope Stephanie follows through. It'd be nice to have a friend in Shanghai with me. The idea of having nobody that I know while I'm there... scares me. Secretly. A lot.

BECAUSE OF OUR AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP

I fought with J last night. Why? She's seeming distant, and it upsets me a little. Why? Well... I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm being bitter with her because I'm resentful that she isn't posting, and it's like, well damn girl, didn't you bust up on my ass to post ASAP, then said "I hope you won't try to get back at me for not posting in a while by taking a week"? Then have proceeded to write nothing in a week? Sigh. I mean, I get it. School, life, whatever. But it's so disparaging to hear that she's going to work on it and then nothing at all gets done. So last night I might have crossed the line because she was being so quiet with me, but at the same time, I felt like something had to be said about it. I chose my words poorly though. Sometimes, you misfire. And I didn't provide the quiet kill, no, I made it messy, and now I'm left thinking she's made embittered by my comment and will ignore me for a while. But as I said in my conversation with L on the matter, sometimes that's how things go. That, too, is life.

LIPS CLOSED TIGHTLY

I don't understand my father. Why he has to be so utterly disparaging about my internship opportunity. He tells me, "Why can't you just work with an organization in Ottawa, why can't you just stay with one that will give you travelling opportunities?". I come to him earlier today with news that my friend C got a job with Export Development Canada. I'm really happy for him. My father only looks at me saying "Well he'll be making more for you, and will have a chance to travel" and he proceeds to say that I'll be paid shit, and treated just the same while on my internship. And it's like... he hasn't listened to anything I plan to learn from this. I want to go forward, I want to know that I'll have the opportunity, and I need to do it while I'm young enough to be adventurous and fearless. I don't want to find a job here and just... settle. The nightmare of it consumes me. I don't think he understands how hurtful his comments are, and how they only serve to push me further away.

SHATTERED THE BITTERSWEET DREAM

Listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. Miss that feel, to be honest. There's something about those underground artists that sample the classics, jazz, soul, and I'm left a little breathless by the poetry and soliloquy presented to me. I feel so inferior in comparison in terms of skill. I often quote the lyrics when I write, because I feel their turn of phrases unloved, and I want to put it into some arena where at least someone will read them. Who knows if they are? It's more for me then anything. That's selfish but... that's why I write. Though I'm scared I'm losing my flair for it. C's up and writing again. She's so... fantastic. I don't think she understands the depth of it. Talking to her again makes me feel like the adult that I always pretend that I am. Actually feel it. She's an adult in a sense that always left me envious. I could never believe she was only a year older then me. Last night was interesting, we had a very in depth conversation, some exerts being:

C : the trick is not to overthink it

C : or let the fear carve out a permanent place

Z : i refuse to let it

Z : so even if i feel i'm not ready, i plan to approach my career the same way i appraoched losing my virginity - with a brave face, faking as if i know what to do until it feels right

C : hahahaha!

C : that is how life should be handled i feel

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY

I'm feeling a little ill. Stood outside in the cold for quite a long time today. I ate well - eggs (breakfast and dinner), an apple, banana, a little lean cuisine frozen lunch, and shrimp with soy sauce. I'm going to curl up and watch New York, I Love You in the early hours of my morning, after a nap and an injection of caffeine to help nurse me through the midnight hours so that I can study a little longer, push myself a little further. I'll work out a bit, make some tea, and keep going. Exams start next Thursday... I don't want to write them. I'm feeling quite broke, but I'll keep moving, and keep working. Hopefully my schedule will change for the better for work once exams are over. I'll be crossing my fingers. I leave off with a song I found from DJ Shinin' Stone, with Maslo and Keyreal. Love it!

MAP THE SOUL

I'm feeling pretty good today. Today, I had a written report due that I had to have finished before I went to work, but I was so tired once it was all done, and went through the day with hardly any sleep in my system. To top it, my bad health compounded on itself and a caught a cold. Bleh. I come home, and my visa application process was changed, and now I have to redo it. I'll have to write it again tomorrow, and have my dad send it in the mail Thursday, so that it can reach Hong Kong in time for me to go. Complicated!

All the same, I'm feeling nice. I came home on the bus with a girl named Alison from school, who actually is quite nice. I came home, dinner is ready, I curl up, warm up, and enjoy watching the news with my dad. I think tonight I'm going to just relax, enjoy myself, sleep... really just try to feel better. Tomorrow it'll be work, application, aikido (which hurts! I have to find some athletic pants...), and maybe even writing a little. I miss writing. Hahaha, I remember the amazing stuff I would come up with Caitlin and Krista. Oh my god. The plotlines, the angst, the love. I miss it. I'm the kind of person that needs a good muse to write. And man. Caitlin could rouse some amazing flows from me. But, now we're both so busy - her with graduate school, and her final exams, and me with work and school. I miss reading her writing, sometimes. I look back on it from time to time, and find it all so fantastic. Emotional stuff, you know? It was a great outlet. I think I need another one, muse, outlet, whatever, since I have to just get some of it OUT.

I'll be going home to Toronto in two weeks. I'm happy, I want to go find some new books. I like sitting in cafes during the summer, reading outside. There's something terribly lovely about it all. Something warm... with a good book! I can't wait. I'm hoping the Canadian release of the new Dexter by Design book is out. It's out so far in the UK, but wasn't here when I checked in February. I'm hoping to also read some more Brett Elis. God, his books are great - but I'm hoping he has something in him other then how deprived pretty, rich people are.

I'm re-listening to all the Epik High albums. My god, if you actually translate the lyrics, we're talking heavy, wonderful, well-thought out rhymes. I'm in love - I can't tell you how I miss that kind of stuff. Well, I have, haha, but you know. I enjoy it a lot. It's about the music, the lyrics, the music rather than the image. And in the end, isn't that what's the most important? That, and I went back to listen to, haha, some John Mayer. I really like his music. He's a bit of an asshole in person, but the songs have this sense of longing to them that I just love. From seeing clips of him playing live, he's actually just a great artist. I'd love the opportunity to see him play sometime.

And to end things, here's a little light cuteness, a dedication to how love can change you!