SHOPAHOLIC

I'm so happy! Thailand was an amazing time. I had so much fun, and I'm happy to have spent so much time with everyone. Getting home was amazing though, I won't lie to you! It felt good to sleep in my own bed after being in all those hotels and guest houses. I think my favourite part was seeing C. I missed him so much, and it was nice, he held me in the cab when it was finally time to go back to the hotel around 3 am. Just like at home, you know? It made me a little homesick. But I talked to my brother today, and it was good, he managed to remind my dad to get in touch with me, haha!

I've also had my first midterm. I was sadddddened by how piss easy it was. But then I got my first quiz back and I did miserably! So it's back to the books for me, sigh, I can't be messing around forever. But it's hard when there's so much to do around you! I'm off to South Korea this weekend, and while I couldn't score tickets, I'm hoping to get some at the venue from people who need money. God I hope I can!? I'll be upset if I can't go but... you know what, it happens. Haha, no use being bitter, right? If it's going to happen, it will, and if it isn't, then there's no use crying over it.

I wonder when did people get so weird about being in love? So many adult factors seem to play into things in modern relationships. But isn't how you feel about the other person the most important thing? More then what they do or don't do, more then what they say or don't say... because no matter what's going on, you're the final decider. So why do we all let little things like that come in the way of things? Sigh. I don't know anymore. I'm a bit sick of it all to be honest.

South Korea though! I'm super pumped. I can't wait to go shopping! 2 more days!

[e]MOTIONAL

I thought about it, and I kind of take this blog too seriously. It's not a fun thing to write, but more kind of like... for when I'm upset. Which is kind of silly, don't you think? Time to change it up!

I'm really excited about tomorrow. I'm going to Thailand! I'm looking forward to seeing C, and also shopping (of course) and this whole tour thing that we'll be going on. We'll be riding elephants and doing it up in hot tubs! WIN! I can't wait! It looks like it's going to be an amazing time.

Speaking of amazing times, jesus eff, I went to see Super Junior in concert! It was pretty thrilling, my friend L and I were right up by the stage, got shot by waterguns by the boys, and I got blown a kiss by Sungmin! Oh, and I randomly got interviewed by 2 television stations! I think the nicest point of the night was when L commented that I should have been on stage over this Korean girl, dancing with Ryeowook during his Insomnia song (damn you, why didn't you sing Wheesung's version!!!). I've never been terribly confident in how I dance so it felt nice! I love you L!

Yesterday the Girlmance got together to participate in Hall 7's cookoff. It was a lot of fun! Highlights included cooking with everyone, giggling and calling C our 'bitch', watching and eating A's rice crispy squares (haven't had them homemade since I was 6!), and this little chinese girl telling us that she tried pancakes for the first time through us. So cute!

Also booked my tickets to Singapore and Malaysia. Feeling very excited about this! I can't wait to see the house my dad was born in... I think I'll walk away a little changed. This exchange is doing a lot of things for me, all of them positive. I'm so happy about all of this.

HEARTBREAKER

I'm here now. On my exchange! It's been a few weeks, and I love this place. It's beautiful. It's hot. It's sticky, it's dirty, it's wonderful. I'm so happy I've taken this chance because I really feel that this will help define me for years to come. I'm so... pleased! School's started, but I have so much of this place to explore. For example, I will be visiting the giant Buddha with one of my lovely roommates soon. Go climb and discover beaches. I've bought tickets to concerts, and have dined in back alley restaurants that have blown my mind. Everything is cheap, and everyone is happy. The money... none of it seems to matter. I'm so happy. Really, truly. I want to become the best version of myself, and here is a place to help define that.

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

A lot of great music has come out lately! G-Dragon's solo album, and the Big Bang Japanese album both were great, though I would have expected a little more. I find so many people here willing to listen to Korean music, so I'm pretty pleased. In fact, I've started a Korean drama club, where we get together after classes to watch Korean television shows in our common room. They're pretty hilarious... we're currently working through Partner, and then we've Boys Over Flowers, Full House, and Coffee Prince to kill off. It's going to be fun! And it's a great way to make friends? I find it really easy here. Like the mainland boys, they're so helpful and friendly in my dorm. I met most of them through my roommate S, who is an absolute doll. I'll be visiting her in South California now on my Reading Break because she swears I'll love it. I know I will - she's from there! My other roommate, A, is from my hometown. She's so proper, and sweet... hahaha, and all of us take turns playing the responsible one. It's the official Girlmance to define our exchange!!!

COCO BEFORE CHANEL

I honestly don't know why, but the trailer for this movie makes me tear up each and every time. I can't wait for it to come out... it looks fantastic, lovely, and just... it tugs at me. It seems special... and on the subject of movies, I recently saw Inglorious Basterds, which was amazing! Tarantino really knows how to put together a fantastic film - and it had all of his trademarks, including clever dialogue, and random bouts of violence. I didn't see the Apple cigarettes, but he did manage to work in his foot fetish which made me giggle. Can't wait for his next film! Please, jesus, let it be Sin City!

WE GETTIN DOWN IN THE CLUB

The nightlife here is indescribable. I swear to you, I get so sick when drinking because it's free. Always free. To get in, to drink, everything. How will I ever go back home? It seems so primitive now! I'm going to have to make the move here for work because I know myself, and I will never be satisfied now that I've had a taste of something better. Each night seems to overshadow the last.... be it going to a club, going for dinner, or just hanging out in the dorm room. It's really difficult to believe it's only been a week since I've arrived, because it feels like forever. And I'm still flying on that honeymoon high. I don't miss anyone yet... but it will come. But for now, I shall enjoy.

UNTOUCHABLE... UNSTOPPABLE...

What a day. Justtt... what a long day. I'm currently done at work, and have three days left of just... nothingness. I feel so unproductive it's killing me. I usually spend down time whipping through stuff on my laptop, fixing things, you know, I just like being busy! So having to sit here... with nothing on my plate? I want to shoot myself. I've been spending my time on the bus to work, and home, reorganizing and re-classifying all of my music on my iTunes. Trust me, it's a heavy task! I know for sure, coming up, I'm going to profile the underground Korean hip-hop movement, because there is some stuff I've been listening to that just really blows my mind. I'm serious. Where did you come from? It's just beautiful. Gah, which reminds me, the new G-Dragon solo album comes out on August 18th!!! I'm so excited, it's unreal. It's going to be so good, you'll all see! The 35 second preview clip on YouTube as me, J and R going insane over the beat... while I can't understand the words, R told me that one line translates to 'my philosophy is the smoke that fills this room', which absolutely gets me going. That's heavy words, you know? I miss you, lyracism, and the relationship we used to have. Sigh.

It makes me what to learn Korean, but I know that Mandorin Chinese is going to be hard enough as is. But I have my whole life to learn. A lot of the sounds are similar to Japanese, which I can speak some basics of, so I'm hoping the more time I spend abroad, the more opportunities I'll have to learn. I want to... like I said in the post before, I really want to have a taste of being able to speak more languages. I want my children to be raised speaking Mandorin, English, and whatever native tongue my husband is. It's a beautiful thing... and I wish my dad had taught me when my brother and I were kids. At least knowing Fuchow would be better then just English. Sigh. What a waste! Ahh, and I think I made a huge mistake, I went out and bought the Sims 3. I'm going to be addicted... but so far, installing it hasn't worked, since I got the UNLOADED version back in May, and it refuses now to accept my legit copy. I'll call EA and try to figure it out because I can't wait to get started on it all. Anyways... it's back to the grind for me. One love!

STREET DREAM

No matter how often or little this question is posed, everyone has thought of an answer. What would you do with three wishes? I remember having an intense conversation with C over this once, high as fuck in a forest, leaning against a wooden bridge, in the dead middle of winter. The answers I gave then were completely random, because the first and second wishes were easy to come to me, you know? Snap, snap. But the last one... we both struggled there. It's like you hit a mind block after getting all the material things you've wanted all your life. What then? Material happiness only brings you so far. Is that why there are 3 wishes, over simply one or two? I'm not quite sure... but I've given it some thought. Who knows, maybe these answers match your own in some respect. But the point of this is to put down what I want, and how I'm going to achieve these myself. After all... genies don't really exist.

WISH NUMBER ONE

This was always the easiest wish for me. I want to be perfect, mind and body. I'm talking about that perfect mix of sexy and cute, able to speak any language I want, perfect grades, witty and clever, effortless charm kind of perfection. Why? Because it's something I've always struggled with. It'd be nice not to have to work so hard for it, you know? I think it's something everyone works for, and very few achieve. I want it... but it always seems out of reach despite my efforts. Only, I know secretly my efforts aren't really efforts, and that I give up far too easily over the flimsiest of excuses. I'm trying to learn Chinese. I need to set a goal. I'll be doing classes in Hong Kong, but what I really need to do is make sure I continue learning. Maybe a class in the summer, while also taking up language classes on weekends? I like being busy. That'll help. As for charming, I know I am, I've been told many times, it's just about making sure I moderate it, and speak about appropriate things. I think back, sometimes, on the stuff I used to just spurt and it makes me cringe. Was I really so air-headed? I guess it's all apart of growing up. Grades are something I'm working on. I do better when studying in groups. I do better when under pressure. The more I do, the more pressure there is, so I think I really got to put myself through the ropes to get the best results from myself. Working... school... language training... the gym... I think that's enough to keep me a bit full up, don't you? Speaking of the gym, I go 4-5 times a week now, and if I keep it up, I'll look the way I want to. It's all about diet and exercise, and if I really put my mind to it, I can do it!!! I'm still gunning to weigh 115 pounds, in the ideal, because I'm only 5'2, and honestly, that's what I should be weighing. If there's anything else I'm lacking... there's always surgery right? I'm not one of those people who freak out over things like that. I'm pretty now, but hey, sometimes money really can buy that extra 'oomph'. Plus, I know when I lose the weight, I'm going to loose my babies (ie - breasts), so something has to be done at some point. Being witty and clever comes with experience, and this trip to Hong Kong will hopefully give me the kind of perspective I need to be exactly that. It takes time... and that's where I get impatient. But it's happening. I only have myself to blame if it doesn't.

WISH NUMBER TWO

Of course, I think everyone wants to be absurdly rich. It's just a fact of life, I think. But how do you get there? Lots of hard work. My grades aren't that great. I'll be the first to admit. Part of the reason why I want to do another year is so that I can help to pull all of that up. I'm crossing my fingers... praying, really... because I think law school at the University of Toronto really is my ticket into getting all that I ever wanted. I'm fascinated by business law. I have the lack of morals that would hold me back. I'm great with talking to people, and pretending like I know what the hell I'm doing. I think it's almost the perfect profession for me. But to get there, I need an 8.0 CGPA average (not done), as well as a bunch of student experience (check) and a placement amongst the top 88 percentile or better in the LSATs (must start studying for those). I can do it. I know I can. I'm smart, capable, and ready. But it's getting myself out of this laze that's the problem. Sigh. I think the best place to start is studying for the LSATs, since my grades when abroad don't count towards my CGPA. When I get back, study like a madman all semester for the 5 courses that I'm taking. Then do summer, fall, and winter courses, so that I can spread the remaining 8 (or 10) classes I have over a bigger breadth of time. Then I'll be able to really concentrate on what matters, really put the focus on where it needs to be. Nobody is going to just give me money. I'm going to have to claw that shit in, on my own, using my own ability. I'm not winning the lottery anytime soon, and I want to be able to let my dad live out his life without debt, or concern. And I will fucking make it happen.

WISH NUMBER THREE

This was always the hardest wish for me. I never really knew what to wish for, because the biggest concerns I had were taken care of. I don't know if it's fair to wish for love, but can I? I mean seriously. I'm so unlucky here. C once said he's number three wish was to be almost hypnotizing persuasive, but... I don't know. The challenge is gone there, you know? No, I want the kind of guy in my life to make me delirious with happiness. I want that I'm-so-sick kind of love. Where it hurts to be away from them. Because now that I'm older, and I've been with more people, I'm better able to deal with those kinds of feelings, and treat them like an adult instead of a love-sick teenager. I want that passion that goes with that first love, with the insight I've gained over the years. Hell, if this is a wish, I'll go all out: I want that perfect guy, probably South Korean, but since it's my damn wish, South Korean-Chinese-Caucasian, with the whole G-Dragon, Tablo and T.O.P. vibe to them. Gangster nerdy!!! Oh my god, that style, and that secret little touches to it will get me every time. I never knew T.O.P. was such a nerd, hahaha, until R sent me some stuff online of him showing off his room. So many toys! And he cuddles stuffed animals at night? Sigh. Actual love. Tablo just has this depth to him that I find awe-inspiring. Then G-Dragon has this attitude and style that can't be replicated. I think it's a combination of love that can't be beat! And.. .haha, that wish also comes with a clause that they love you as much as you love them. It's hard when affection goes unmatched, you know?

SIDENOTE - DON'T I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS?

Mad love. Seriously. I'm very blessed. T and I went out after I was done work a little while ago, and we had a blast. Walking around, gelatto, discovering new places, eating Subway on the roof of Rideau Mall while watching bunnies and feeding the seagulls. Amazing, for sure. And then breakfast a couple days later with everyone (minus PH. Damn you, child, where were you?) which was great, then I watched the others put together some kind of personal project movie. It's kind of cool to have something that you're that passionate about. I hope all goes well for them. I'll take a moment to give T some love, and say honestly, thanks for being there for me, good and bad, listening to all my problems, whining, and ranting. Thanks for keeping me from getting hit by cars when I wonder out into traffic, thanks for copping for me when I'm spent on cash, thanks for waiting around with me when I'm bored, thanks for bringing me buns from Chi-Town when I make irrational demands, and thanks for just being you. Sometimes I get this feeling that you're dissatisfied with who you are, and I want to tell you that you shouldn't You're a great guy. No matter how people get you down, you're always there for them anyways. So really, thank you. Now if we could only work on your timing!!!! Hahahaha, Vietnamese Time is never an excuse, haha! And there's some love to J as well. I talked to him today about how there was a guy at work sexually harassing me. I felt really hesitant about talking about it... I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But he was being very supportive about it. Told me that while he wouldn't tell me what to do, he would be would suggest I go talk to our HR person about it. I'm... kind of afraid. It's hard, when the person who's doing it is the head of one of the departments at my work. But I'm leaving after this week, and have nothing to lose. Maybe I was being a child about it. I shouldn't have put up with it as long as I did. But.. tomorrow, I'll make it all better.

DOWNHILL

I keep letting weeks go by without writing anything here. I feel a little guilty. It's not that I've been distracted, really. It's too bad, because all that energy keeps getting bottled up into negative things, mostly because I begin using that free time to become concerned about smaller things that really don't matter. I start getting emotional... irrational. So, it's time to set myself back into line, because really, there is nothing worse then an overly wrought woman, is there?

FAMILY REUNIONS MAKE THAT HISTORY

It was a busy weekend for sure. I had my family reunion on Sunday, where there were about 100 members of my extended family, all packed into the basement of this church along Merivale. It was actually kind of... nice. I don't get to see many members of my family that often, and so it was great to finally get to know some of my second cousins on a closer scale and basis. After all, in my immediate family, there's only myself, my brother, my dad, my two aunts, one cousin, and my grandmother. And I'm not even close with the cousin, and less so with her mother. It's such a shame, you know? We're the only family we've got, yet we fight. Regardless, there was none of that at the reunion, with everyone seeming to be genuinely happy to see one another. I'm proud of my dad for organizing the whole thing, it really was a success. The food was great, the family was wonderful, and a lot of new bonds were made. I tried durian, mangosteen and rambutan for the first time ever. Amazing fruit, that. I can't wait to have it fresh, and from the country itself! I can't even really imagine it. Everyone just talked, ate, and helped to clean up. Instead of asking for money for a venue, we used money collected to donate to the church itself. It was all really lovely. The older second cousins around my age were all really laid back and cool, and then the younger ones were just way too cute to be real. I can't wait to do it all again, that's for sure!

A VISIT FROM THE VILLAGE FAR FAR AWAY

Of course, this would also be the weekend my lovely little miss C came to town. Back from the little village of Lethbridge. C has always been the mommy. As in, she's the one to straight up down and cuss me out if I do something stupid. All for my own good, of course, even if I don't always see it that way at the time. I was happy to have her come, but she really did pick a garbage time (what, with my reunion, and L being caught up with exams, and just people being really busy in general) but she could only get a certain amount of time off of work. Same with me, really. It's funny... we're all getting older, and the responsibilities are piling on. This is just another example of that. Her visit was markedly uneventful, as opposed to the past, where it was always party-party, rah-rah. We watched movies... stared at the television... ate out... gossiped... shopped... and it was all cool, you know? And it was great, because it was her, and I've missed her because she really is one of those people who will do what she says, and gives it to you straight. I swear, there really aren't enough people in this world that are like that. Gah, especially this one girl right now, who is quite honestly cutting it close to getting cut by me, because I do not like it at all when people tell me that they're going to do something, and then don't. Or worse, do the stuff they were supposed to do for you for other people, and then don't even address it with you. Sigh. It's so high school, and it's bothering me. But I gotta say, having C around was great, even if it was around the same time that the other C was leaving (I'll miss you) for Thailand. I have to take a page from her book, calm myself, let this little dramatic issues just be whatever the fuck they are, and not involve myself. Useless people don't need to me in my life, I swear, so if you don't make the grade, you don't make it. Little R, I loved you for a while, but this affair is growing cold. You aren't a C, that's for sure, and ya of course that's fine, but only if you're still cool to be with... and since it isn't fun anymore, really, maybe it is time to part ways with R. Friends like C and other C are hard to come by, but that's no excuse to waste my time on frivolous friendships.

STRESS AND PAIN JUST TO ENTERTAIN

I don't know why I'm stressed. Or rather, I do, and it's silly. Class is over... my final went well, and the top 5 have made their mark. Work is winding down... my contract ends next Friday. I have so much free time it's unreal. And it's killing me. I'm used to being busy all the time, all the time, you know? So suddenly having nothing is really throwing me. Work is absolutely dull, home is boring, and I end up with all this time caring about stuff that doesn't matter. Which I hate because it's stupid, and really such a waste of emotional energy. I'm back at the gym, going Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. 45 minutes of cardio, 25 minutes of weight training, 5 minutes of stretching. More, if I can. My water intake is up, and I just finished a 7 day cleanse that I think totally ruined my digestion, but we'll have to see. I've been eating like garbage the last 2 weeks (exacerbated by C's visit, other C's departure, and the family reunion), but that's back on too, with a nice 1,100 calorie diet. I'm halfway through the count, and halfway through the day, so that's encouraging. Breakfasts are always Special K, and 1% milk. I like to vary up my lunches, but usually Lean Cuisine, or soup, or whatever. Dinners are Special K, with milk and more soup if I can or another Lean Cuisine. It's totally joyless. But in combination with the exercise, hopefully it works out to me losing the weekend weight I gained from all the overeating and eating out. Gah, I need to lose that last 15-20 pounds, it is possible, and I can do it! FIGHTING. Haha, at the least, the cleanse is done. I'll be going to the gym tonight, a good hour and a half. The lucky thing is that I really enjoy my time at the gym, I just tune out listening to music, and do my thing. Then after the gym tonight, it's back home for some serious Persona 4 time (I gotta finish!), and maybe an additional bike ride later if I can help it, though I suspect it will be late. We'll see, we'll see. But really, now, it's time to get serious and get in shape. I have to come back from HK looking ridiculously amazing, haha, that's my goal for sure.

WORK IT OUT, MAKE IT COUNT, DO IT UP

Work... is... totally... dragging. There's nothing to do. Really, absolutely nothing. I sleep here, I talk a lot, I send a million e-mails a day to S (LOVE YOU FOR KEEPING MY LIFE INTERESTING), and really do nothing else. It's like I just sit here... and the boredom is pure murder. I like to be busy. I like to do things. I couldn't ever work here full time. That said, I'm praying that they hire me back when I come back to Ottawa in January. The money is good, and it goes towards paying off my OSAP loan. It also helps me figure out if I can go back to Asia again, mostly because I want to go kick it there in the summer after classes end. I have 3 semesters to do 8 courses (plus 2 that I want to retake, so 10) so I'll be able to space liberally, and study for my LSATs like a beast. I might retake more classes, if possible... really, my CGPA is in the shit, and I have to do all I can to salvage it. Of the 10 courses required to get another option in finance, only 6 of them are finance related, because I've done the rest - and then 2 of those, I'll be doing in the winter semester. So 4... and then 4 adm related courses. I want to redo my intermediate accounting class, and my psychology class. I want to redo International Business too, if I can, god my mark was dreadful for a course I knew so much about. It's go time, and I have to do what I can to make myself marketable... though my mother's confusing me, telling me now that I don't need two undergraduates, and it's ridiculous that I'm doing another year (5 years) when most people around the globe do their degree in 3 years. I'm doing a double option! I could have graduated on time if I had figured this out sooner, but I didn't... now I need to use the time to have my grades claw their way upwards, and study, study, study like a demon for the LSATs. My placement could make up the difference... I'm smart, and capable, and I can do this. I'll talk with her more on the issue tomorrow - though isn't it funny I place so much weight in her opinion on education when she didn't do post-secondary schooling herself? Hmm...

MIND ON MY MONEY, MONEY ON MY MIND

Money is a huge issue right now. I need more of it. Seriously. Hong Kong is going to be expensive, and having my visa application denied hurt. I need it, I want it, I have to have it. It's freaking me out that the OSAP is already going to be released only in the middle of September, and that my dad is refusing to help when he just bought himself a really freaking unnecessarily expensive car is making me furious. Mum's giving me money, straight out, on top of the fees she's giving me already for the plane ticket and my housing, which is great of her. I don't know what to do, because I quite honestly need something done to get more cash into my accounts before I take off. At this rate, I'll have to do some under the table work in HK to make up the difference... sigh. Waitressing can't be that hard, can it? I'll work in the foreigners district or something. Yup. Or something.

HE'S JUST PLAYIN' THIS GIRL, AND SHE IS THINKIN' THE SAME

It's only 18 days until it's time to get out of here. I'm freaked out. I'm excited. I'm tasting heaven and dreading hell. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I don't know who I'll be at the end of it all. I just know it's happening, it's real, and I have to face it head on. It's time to become an adult... and honestly, I can't think of anything more frightening. I don't know if I'm ready for this, if it'll be easy, or hard. But we'll have to just wait and see... which is hard for someone so impatient like me! I'll get there, don't worry. The pace is faster then I would have expected, but God knows, I need this more then I need air.

FANATICAL

Sigh. I've fallen behind on posting again. Things are just busy, but not, so it's hard to really put down excuses when we're talking about a personal blog, for me. Thank god it isn't another assignment is all, I guess. I kind of liked being able to break things down into topics like I did last time, since really, there are so many things that I end up involving myself in that it's insane, and hard to really organize any other way. So let's begin?

C AND WATCHING THE WATCHMEN

C, baby, if I cared about you in a way other then friendship, we'd be perfect together. Thanks for dragging me out last night, drinking with me (and making my drinks weaker, although only after some pleading on my part), and watching that awesome movie. Thanks for hitting on me, because it was kind of cute, even though we both feel nothing and it's just for fun. Thanks for driving around with me for an hour just listening to old school Gorillaz and Radiohead, while we talked about our upcoming exchanges, the philosophy and reasons why behind them, and where we're gonna be. The rain coming in through the open windows of the car that you insisted on, the both of us getting soaking wet but not caring, sobering up in those glistening moments. You're one of the few people who really tell it to me straight, and I appreciate you so much for this. When you tell me that I'm going to be successful, I really believe you because you wouldn't bullshit like that. Real shit, no talk, right? You're the kind of guy my dad tells me I should date (mentioned by name, no less), and you know, he's right, you're that right kind of person exactly. You're just not it for me, is all. But you're that person I'll be comparing others to, and maybe I'll tell you that one day if you weren't already so cocky. But you know, even if I didn't say it to you in the car last night, you're right, I'm probably a lot more down to earth and honest with other people because we spend so much time hanging out. I was being a spoilt princess when we first started hanging out, because I was in that painful place where I wasn't really sure how to reconcile the breakup with what everyone was saying. You always just listened, and kicked me when I was blabbering too long about it, and we'd just get high and watch the stars... I needed those things then. Thanks for giving them to me. Thanks for always shutting me down when I need to be, and being a great friend. Even if you say you don't believe in things like love, affection, relationships, I hope that you do find that spark and desire for it while you're in Thailand like you said, because really, you will make someone very happy one day, and you deserve to have someone make you very happy as well. Thanks for making me feel like a kid, a girl, and a woman at all the right moments. Here's to the times you've carried me over puddles, made me food, told me that I was an idiot, and warned me about guys I shouldn't chase. Thanks, C, for being you.

SOUNDTRACK TO A LOST FILM

This soundtrack is amazing. Done by DJ Pe2ny and Tablo (together known as Eternal Morning), it's a instrumental album that just SPEAKS to you. The titles of the songs are things like Rainclouds in my Room, and Holden Caulfield, Fingerprints... and you know, the songs that correspond to them really fit. The song that really got me was Father's Watch, I think I actually teared up the first time I heard it. I'd love to see someone set a bunch of mini-stories to these songs. I think it would be amazing - a truly worthwhile project. I think the album is beautiful... and I'd love to see these two amazing artists collaborate again. I mean ya, Epik High just dropped Remixing the Human Soul (their remix and re-cute album of some of their songs) but it doesn't have that gentle touch to it like this album. I really feel when I hear it. I think it's the kind of music that makes a difference, and cares about itself rather then how many copies it sells. It's art - pure and simple. And I love it. I could honestly write an entire blog post just on each song, how they make me feel, and how I think they just work. But... while I had plans, like everything, they don't always work.

CLIQUES, THE A-LIST, WHATEVER

Dear fucking Jesus in heaven, I've had enough of this high school crap. I'm mad that you're going to giggle off with one person, and ignore the hard work put in by another. Cait... you shouldn't have been shut down the way you were by those girls, it was wrong, and you are so much better then that. And while I want to blame it on their age, their lack of experience and exposure, whatever, it can be put down that at times, some people are just rotten. We all have our moments... but I hope you don't keep feeling sad. You're wonderful - and I care too much to let some stupid young children get you down on yourself.

THE JOB, THE FINANCES

It's coming up... the exchange. In one month today, I'll be landing in Hong Kong. I'm scared - I'm elated. I worked it all out, and between my two jobs, my OSAP, my loans, and whatever else, I'll have the money I need by August. I'm worried though, at the same time, because once I'm out of money, I'm out, and I'm screwed! There's a lot of stuff I want to do while I'm there... places to see, people to meet, boys to flirt with, things to buy... experience, basically. It'll be the longest I've ever been away from home, and I need to grow up a little, personality and maturity wise. I'm a weak person - I try too hard with others and I find it hard to relax and be myself. I want to be able to say 'fuck convention', and really mean it instead of saying it for showy reasons, which is honestly how it is most of the time. I take things too seriously... I got to lighten up. There's a lot of things I need to work on, but hopefully this will help guide the way. Haha... I want to be the best version of myself possible, I guess. Isn't that a natural desire? I think I can do it. I want it, breath it, work for it, but I think the dedication is waning. I need to reinvigorate myself. China, baby, be that inspiration for me. But it's hard to think of that while I'm still doing work. It's so boring here right now... but I think when the contract ends and I'm in Toronto (hopefully enjoying some sun!?) it'll really hit me.

THE PARTY'S IN TOWN, WHERE ARE YOU?

So my girl C is coming into town next Thursday from Lethbridge, and I'm pretty keen to see her. She's like... well... male C! Very straightforward and honest. I like her a lot - I was really sad when she left to go move away for university. I know this means I'll be drinking more, going out every night, and living that bad lifestyle, but for the both of us that kind of thing is a rarity. It's meant to be shared with close friends, rather then just doing it for the sake of it; I think I forgot that before. But, being on better bearings, I'm happy she'll be here. I hope it's a good trip, because for L and me (both housing her in the time she's here) it's busy, with me handling my family reunion, and L handling her exams. What a week it's going to be! She'll be here Thursday afternoon... I'm thinking treats for dinner, unpacking, cleaning, and just being! Movies, maybe, even. L and I are getting to be better friends too, so the awkwardness that trailed C's last visit should be all but gone. I love L, but sometimes, girl, you're so dense and you have to realize the things you say, and how you say them, can come off as rude and not 'blunt', like you say. But that's kinda past, isn't it? I'm excited. The funny thing is, Q is also apparently coming into town that weekend. I will not be getting together with him. He's bad in the ways that aren't good for me, and I'm planning on just letting him stay with A and be bored or party or whatever. I've got my hands full and I don't need his drama! Especially since I don't know if R is coming with him or not. That would be trouble and a half. I haven't even spoken to either of them in months, so I don't know why Q, at least, is playing buddy buddy. I'm not selling what you're looking for, kid, so... off with you.

FINALS HAVE ARRIVED

And the last item on the agenda is the final presentation that I've got to do for my class. I'm terrified - I'm worried I'll make some stupid mistake and fail the class. It's not an option. But I'm piss-my-pants kind of scared over it. I can't wait to be done with it, and I'm going to practice practice practice all weekend until I nail it down tight. I CAN DO IT!!!

DIVING

RAIN CLOUDS IN MY ROOM

So I'm at this concert today for Brian Blade, and it's me, my brother, my dad, and we're all on lawn chairs, after having eaten food from the cool little shops that open just for the Jazz Festival every year in Confederation Park. The music was slow paced... so unlike the Blade I'm used to listening to. He's usually all over the place, yet in this amazing harmony with everyone else. But he was quiet today... and it felt almost spiritual to listen to him. And you know, he still had that look on his face, like he was in absolute rapture while playing. I wish I knew what he felt and what he sees when he plays, the kind of feelings that seem to overwhelm him so utterly that he can't help but smile that way. It inspired me, to the point where I typed out a quick, dirty, and amazingly museful reply for my new girl, Reku, who I met last night, and put it up. In 30 minutes. 1,504 words! I'm getting good there, haha. Listening to Eternal Morning's soundtrack, and I can't get over Tablo's creativity. I'm moved. Elated. And filled with this sense of amazement. I can't believe music stopped doing that for me. I'm happy that I found it again.

It's a wonderful feeling.

ETERNAL MORNING

It's been a while since I last posted, but my life is so fragmented right now (in a way that I'm loving, in a way that I can't help myself) that it's been hard to sit down and actually write something. But there's a lot that should be written, because my god, I can't keep things straight anymore. I'm tripping this fantastic high, happy with the things I have, and working towards the things that I want, and you know, dissatisfaction has no place here, not now. So, I'm going to break things into fragments here, and just go off on it, because really, free thought form is so much easier, you know?

C AND THE SWINGS INCIDENT

There's this guy, we'll call him C, and he and I get along great. I'm not feeling him, he's not feeling me, but he really knows how to make me smile. We're drinking in a park, and I've got my peach schnapps in hand, and we're on the swings because I really missed how it was like. It just reminded me of the days when I would pick up my bike and go to the park when I lived at Corkery, loving the way my hair felt in the wind as I rode past life, trying hard not to drop the CD player in my hand. I don't remember if I was lonely then, but I wasn't now, and he was laughing because I was actually moving hard to swing, my alcohol in hand, drinking the whole time. And he came around, pushed me until I was airborne. And when it was clear that I was trying to stop he just came around, and wrapped his arms around me, an immovable force hitting an immovable object. And he just kind of held me for a bit. C has this thing where he likes to cuddle if we watch movies together, and it sometimes weirds me out but it's ok, and you know, I like having someone like him around. I don't get so lonely with him there, you know? Breaks my heart, sometimes, when I think about how it used to be between me and P, lazy afternoons spent lounging in bed and watching television series. If someone's there to give that affection, it kind of kills the temptation to simply run and find someone, anyone, to fill that space, you know?

PRESENTATIONS CLASS

It's really not as bad as I thought it would be, and I'm taking it one step at a time, killing my presentations, and steadily improving on my written reports. I'm happy with the final topic I chose (Nintendo's falling market share) and I'm almost done! I'll be finishing it off with B tomorrow at school. I wonder how the final boardroom presentation will go?

JAE-BABY, RO-BABY, AND THE NEW SITES

Met some amazing girls lately, I'm so in love. We're vibing off of this creative element that I haven't felt since Cait dropped out of the game, and I can't help but get really excited talking to them. They're introducing me to some new stuff, new music, and they're kicking up ideas in me that I never thought before. I got something fresh for everything that we've planned, and I've never been writing so much, so quickly. Girls, you've woken up love in me again, and this torture is killing me! I can't wait to finish up all the shit we got going on, because for real, you're making me feel like love is kind of possible again. I haven't been writing... and you both reminded me how much I missed her, and I'm so lucky to have met you. Can't wait to see all the magic we can conjure, huh? I'm just hope I'm not moving too fast for you girls, sorry, I can't help it when I get excited.

KOREAN MUSIC

Okay, when the hell did this shit get so hot? I've got more hope in the music industry over in Korea then I do back here at home, and that's saying a lot, especially with the new Lupe joint hitting in December. But I mean... the music I'm finding is hitting it hard, and hitting its mark. Big Bang totally owns my heart! Before, it was just Epik High, but now that I've opened myself up to more, I'm really loving it. The sound and the flow just really get to me. And if that isn't perfection, what is? I'm feeling again. The Soundtrack To A Lost Film album by Eternal Morning is just too perfect for words, an instrumental album that Tablo collaborated on. TBNY (the basement noise yellas), where the hell did you come from, my dreams!? Your flow is incredible. The style that the artists rock also blow my mind, and I'm definitely got something to gun for. Baby, it's a package! I've got better incentive for the gym (it's 4 times a week now, sigh), a better sense of mixing and matching, and really, I'm caring about music again, none of that mixtape shit that I'm used to listening to for a week, then tossing it cuz I'm bored, and I've got a new one at home. I mean, what is that? Music was never meant to be disposable. I was meant to shake your soul, baby, and I found it again! Kinda makes me sad, though, to know that the motherland (China) won't ever be at that level, not until we loosen up with that whole communism thing. It isn't doing any favours, ok!? I'm sure there are so many people with the kind of music I want to listen to inside of them. Damn your censorship!

THE PERFECT MAN - TABLO, G-DRAGON, T.O.P.

I was trying to explain to P my perfect man. After thinking about it, I came up with 3 names, all Korean (what the hell?) because they all had something in their artistry, their personality, their style, that I felt I could fall in love with. He laughed. Said it was impossible. You know what? I'm going to find that man. Not the boy, because I've been with the boys, and I honestly cannot handle that bullshit anymore, but the man. And in the interim, I'm going to become the woman worth being loved by that man. It's time to grow up, lady, and really put yourself into it. That means study, gym, and really... just listen. Sometimes, I'm obnoxious, but it's because I'm trying so hard that I sometimes lose track of myself in the process. But really... if I can't be myself, what's the point? Life happens on its own schedule, and I'll find someone you know? No point in crying over it. Until then, I can watch these guys, and feel the twinges of love in my heart, haha, because sometimes loving from afar is a lot nicer then loving someone for real.

HOLLA AT CHA BOI

Same conversation with P. I was lamenting the current dating scene in Ottawa. "You know, B was that last chance I gave it, you know?" and he was laughing, telling me I definitely picked the wrong person. Too bad, I guess. He had that same kinda boyishness of GD, had the perceived intelligence and depth of Tablo, and the occasional quietness of T.O.P. I thought it was perfect! I mean when he introduced himself, he said "What it do?" which made me melt a little on the inside. But I guess without experience, a boy is just a boy, and not a man. Too bad, B, I thought you were perfect. The hype was too much for me, I guess, because the more I got to know you, the sadder I was. You're all the things I want, but you don't have that confidence that a man has. Who knows? Maybe things will be different when I get back from HK. Cause I know for sure, I'll be a different person - a woman, finally. But I got to be honest, you killed the last hope I had in Ottawa.

AND THE REST

Music is really moving me. I'm just fucking happy, you know? Got a new car with the family (sweet!), got a new PS3 (yahoo!), and I'm probably getting a car when I get back into the country in January. Joy! I'm really busy, and life is generally a huge rush but I'm almost out of here. I'm excited to see what this will all be like. To be gone, that is. HK will be a huge change, but I'm looking forward to have things shaken up for me. I wonder if I'll be ok? I want to spend hours in the glorious (and apparently ridiculously hot) sun, just being. It's soon! So soon! Counting the weeks, days, hours, and the minutes.

EYES WIDE SHUT

Every day is beginning to blend and bleed into the other. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm awake or asleep. I wake up, push snooze five times until it hits nine in the morning, and then I'm up, showered, prettified, and gone. Every day I skip in, tired, and pained. I don't know when today begins, and tomorrow ends. I spend my bus rides reading, new books, old books, and one of them just finished was Glamorama. I loved it. It made me feel a lot of things of a character I wasn't even sure that I liked. But I understood his fear. I'm convinced now that Bret Easton Ellis is one of the greatest writers I've ever read. I finished it today, and I'm walking out of work, and the air, all around the area, is filled with the beautiful wisps of milk weed puffs. I'm watching them fly, try to catch them and... I felt nothing. That sense of complete apathy that has been washing over me the last couple of days has left me almost breathless. I just don't care anymore. I don't know why, and I feel a little... unsure of myself. What the hell am I doing, where am I going? From speaking with Toby, it seems he's feeling that same sense of personal listlessness. We are a lost generation, and no, this is not an exit.

But isn't that alright? I'm wondering if depth of perception, and self awareness, even vary from person to person, with some people better able to reconcile their private thoughts with their own public persona. We're just... all coming in at the same thing from different directions. How do we all sleep at night. How do we just... perceive the world? It seems somehow all foreign to me now, a picture of a picture of a picture. Fuzzy and just... kind of far off. We're all fucked up, and all pretty amazing. People fascinate me, to be honest. They're just so different, happy, uniform, dangerous. But I think that all the business in my life has kept me so preoccupied that I've forgotten what it's like to be around such humanity.

I keep watching a string of one bad movies, one after another. I'm enjoying them, and it passes the time. I let myself zone out, feel myself grow a tiny bit wearier. I'm feeling tired all the time, but more sleep isn't coming. Sidewalks of New York is sad, a good movie, but I'm sad all the same. I spent today by the river, with my aunt, my father, my brother, having a picnic, the sun setting. I wanted to be moved. My brother and I chased each other with sticks, fighting, laughing, being kids. It was pretty enjoyable. I think we're all focusing on the wrong thing. We have to bring it back, find that basic joy. The smallest things, I find, make me happy.

PAPARAZZI

Who we are in private is sometimes someone completely different than what others think.

Things have settled into a pretty nice routine. Summer's getting on, and it's kind of just passing me by. Which, while it sucks, is kind of nice in a way, to bury myself completely in work again. Of course I'm doing it all for the money (otherwise I'd give myself a bit more of a break) but if I wanted to, I could give myself a bit of an out - it turns out that I'm eligible for a little over $13,000 from OSAP. What a relief! Now the problem comes in the form of how to make the claim work. Since we technically have to say we're almost entirely living off of child support... I mean, to be honest, I don't know where the money is coming from. I don't know how we afford how we live, and maybe that should scare me a little. It's a bit damn irresponsible to be honest. Sigh. We'll have to see if my claim processes. I just want $4,000-6,000 of the money, the rest I think, hopefully, I'll be able to have from the work I've been doing myself.

I watched a pretty interesting show today called the 100 Mile Challenge. The premise basically talks about how people in the city of Mission (which I think is in British Columbia) have to eat food purely produced from 100 miles around the city. I'm kind of tempted to try it, but it looks difficult at the same time. We're talking no coffee, no sugar, hardly and fruit, no milk... I would love to try regardless. For a couple of weeks, I don't know if I could last the whole 100 days they do in the show. But it's truly a life change. Not simply something to just... try. It's revolutionizing the way you eat, and I think I'm just a bit apprehensive of that. But the families that were featured in the show were interesting. There was one, the Mcintoshes, that dropped out the first day. The husband was unwilling to commit. I could tell the marriage was in trouble, from the moment the husband wouldn't come home to spend his last pre-100 mile meal with his family. Just... stayed at work. Didn't even seem to care. I wonder how people stay in a marriage like that, where one party just openly is disinterested in the efforts of their partner... I wish her luck. The wife, that is. She looked just so sad...

I'm dying! School's been pretty difficult lately, and I've finally chosen my final topic. I'll be talking about Nintendo, who, despite the number one position, could be doing better. And better exemplifies business then talking about making even more exorbitant amounts of money? I've got a good idea of what I want to do with it, and I'm just crossing my fingers that it translates well - thankfully I've found a good amount of research already. What gets me down, however, is how my TA for the class blatantly told me that it was almost impossible to get more than 75% on any of the written reports. I hate that. How it's simply designed to make you fail. What's the point then? You're not rewarding intelligence, merely picking at the technicalities of it. That's not how business is done... is it? On that, I hate my topic for this week, which is based around trying to convince corporations to make the switch to Windows Vista. 3 days after a top Microsoft executive publicly stated that people should just wait for Windows 7. Fuck my life.

I cooked dinner tonight too. I felt pretty proud of it - pesto and pepper crusted tilapia, served with steamed spinach, sliced asian pear, baguette and lite cheese spread over it. Yummy! I'm committed to cooking more myself, and being healthy about it. It kind of sucks, but what can you do? I decided all this a couple of nights ago. I was hanging out with C, and he and I randomly decided to go find a park. We ran around the play structure, before settling on the space suspended in the air where the connective tube was (just chilling out on top of it) and talking about life. That kid rocks. We were both so tired after we just kind of fell asleep watching a movie he picked out - and so continues C's keen ability to pick out shit movies.

I've been getting to know someone new lately. He seems like a really nice guy, and it's a good change of pace. He keeps up an amazing conversation, and it doesn't feel overwhelming. He has GOT to be my musical twin. I mean... we keep talking music, and he's got all the same music I do (even the obscure, eclectic stuff!) and when we're playing stuff for one another over Skype, and mention an artist, we always pre-guess the song the other is going to play. What's up with that! It's pretty funny. I can say it's good to meet someone new, but I feel kind of bad since he's one of my brother's friends. He's nice though, haha, so I know I shouldn't feel bad... but it's something that happens regardless at times. I've been so shut in at work that I haven't had the chance to meet anyone new so I guess I'm just happy with it.

TOP GUN

What a difficult week. Not in terms of stress, or lack of sleep, just in other general terms. Poor dad, he's got kidney stones, and my brother's struggling with another weekly crisis of identity. I think it's times like this I really wish I could drive. It would make things easier, and relieve some of the burden on dad. I think the only upside to it is that the report I've got to do for this week is only a letter, though there will be a full presentation to do. I've got to get started on that.

Today, I slept in super late. It was glorious. I spent all day just writing, and watching movies. I ended up watching the Other Boleyn Girl. It wasn't exactly a phenomenal movie, but it is inspiring in its own way. It really does show the power a woman can hold over someone... who knew that sex was such a motivating factor? How lucky, for us, to be psychologically more plastic in terms of our needs. Meaning... if we want it, we won't go through extreme measures to get it. I mean, the greatest art on this planet is typically dedicated to a woman, or is done in the name of getting a woman. I suppose this is supposed to be comforting. To know that all it takes is a little lust to get anything you want. I don't know, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. After having used those kinds of wiles to my advantage all of last summer, I only found how empty things felt at the end of the day. The only guys that ever managed to really catch my attention were the ones who were immune to such things. Chasing the unattainable. Is it honest attraction, or just me being just... well, wanting someone that I can't have. Who knows? All that matters, I guess, is that if I'm willing to put aside happiness, I'll be able to get anything I want. But isn't that the case for anything, not just men?

I've made almond jello, and it's setting in the fridge, though I was a little sad to find out that there's no fruit cocktail to go along with it. I could try making something else to go along with it, like strawberries, orange and pineapple, though I suspect it wouldn't be as nice as the traditional. I'm thinking of making orange-walnut-almond salad for lunch at work tomorrow, which hopefully be enough. I'm trying to get off eating as much meat as I do. I mean... protein comes from other courses too. Hopefully the walnuts and almonds will do the trick. Must stay on this stupid diet! It's getting warmer every week, though today you would never know. It's so grey. I would have liked it if it had rained though. Maybe it will later tonight? I'm hoping to read on the couch with a pot of tea. I'm loving this new Rufus Wainwright phase. I miss this kind of moving music. Tomorrow's going to be a new week. We'll see how it goes!

CAN'T SLEEP ON THIS TONIGHT

I'm on the bus, and I'm watching the rain fall on the window, fat drops breaking to pieces on impact. I have a book open in my lap, It's a bit cold, and I'm hugging my sweater close, warmer, watching as the bus rolls to a stop, my stop. Only, I'm able to see the bus I need to take roll away, and I'm sighing in frustration. Fuck. Just to be sure, I run across the road to ask if the bus was too full or not. No such luck. I ended up walking. It was kind of nice, you know, just to walk along the road, even if it was a little windy. I stopped by a Tim Hortons because my hands were cold, and I wanted to get something to warm them. I ended up with getting a coffee, and while drinking it, I wondered why it had to taste so unbelievably sweet. Is that what coffee was really meant to be about? Did I prefer this, or black coffee? For that matter, did I only drink black coffee because I thought it was cool? One always has to wonder about how much of ourselves is really just... us. How much of it is the perceived... whatever it is that we're supposed to be. Is it what I think, or what I think others expect of me? I think I've dragged myself down because of this kind of thinking. I finished it anyways. It tasted good... maybe that's all that really matters. I'm kind of struck by how beautiful the day is, gray, with the rain just clinging to things. By the time I'm at the door of my work, the rain has stopped, but not quite, the wind spattering about what little remains. In that moment, I think I'm happy.

I'm visiting my aunt in the hospital, and I'm struck by the desolate nature of it all. She's happy enough, able to communicate with the care staff. Somewhere within the hospital, my father, myself, and my two aunts can hear a woman screaming for an attendant to come see her, until another patient yells at her to shut up. I'm cringing. I hate the sterile environment here. I never want to end up in a place like this... it's a rehabilitation centre, but so many are here for long term care as well. I'm... scared. I dislike it here, and I sit at the end of my aunt's bed uncomfortably, helping her when she asks me to fetch things, and eventually, I end up taking out her dinner trey so that she has more room on her ledge, but when I go out to put it away, a woman stops me, pulling at my hand. I'm overwhelmed by how lonely she seems, and we talk. She mistakes me for being Japanese, speaking in a deep French accent. She asks if I'll see her again. I say yes even though I doubt it. I can't wait to escape from this place.

When we finally get home, my father hands me a plastic bag filled with food. My grandma made me some of my favourite dishes - I'm happy, leaning over the stove as I finish the cooking process. I'm reminded of when we were young, and she took care of us. The care she put into cooking, how... we hardly understood, enough to thank her, appreciate her. It's hard to look at her now, hands lined, body shaking and aching with every movement. I wonder what can be done. To make her happy... I'm left stirring the pot, eating, sleeping... then finally, watching a bad B-movie that I got from my dad's store, hoping to find solace in the small screen. Please, God, I want to see something else. I want to forget, and remember what it was like to be naive. If experiencing hardship and sadness make one an adult, why does anyone want to grow up? I feel a little sickened midway through the movie, and I have to set my head down. I remember why I use to smoke up. It used to drown out the noise.

The night before, this hour, B and I are together in my office at school, trading funny stories back and forth. We're supposed to be practicing. But B's laughing, saying 'fuck it all,', and I agree with him. We end up giggling over our mistakes. It's fun, and somehow, it makes us both feel better. When we saw one another, he only said 'shitty weekend?' and my response was the same. It felt so real. It felt good. Honest. It's why I'm happy to have class with him again. I miss that boy.

STEP BACKWARDS

It's late afternoon, and the sun is hanging lazily in the sky. The temperature is cool, but controlled, within my school building, and I'm walking along with a friend, talking, when I run into (finally) another friend, whom hands me my order from mapthesoul.com. I'm pretty excited. Beyond Epik High's status as one of my favourite groups, they have the kind of lyricism that brings me to my knees. I'm wondering how the book, both written by the group, and a separate one written by Tablo, will work out.

I'm on the bus when I finally read it. The first few pages are enough to literally bring tears to my eyes. I'm moved - there is a sense of love and loss in those pages that I haven't really experienced since I first started reading Cait's writing between R and M. It's a long bus ride - about forty minutes. I'm smiling one moment, choking on emotion the next. It's like opening your eyes again. When did I help to numb myself? I don't think contemplating such times really helps. But I'm happy, right here, right now, to be able to see clearly. My hands are shaking a little, and I'm wishing the day was warmer, and I was outside, sitting in the iron-wrought chairs of a cafe, drinking hot, black coffee and I'm dying for a cigarette for the first time in ages. I shouldn't have had that cigar with C a couple of nights ago. It's breeding bad habits.

I'm left longing for easier times, but embracing the hardships of the here and now. I'm feeling inspired in the deepest sense, and I'm hoping that it's here to stay, a driving force, a constant reminder that I'm here, living. Seeing this beautiful, ugly, twisted, wonderful world. The only way to truly experience it is to keep living, without fear, but sensibly. Only when this tiny thin line can be walked, can I be, heart and soul, an adult. Until then, I am a child feeling about in the dark, making mistakes and learning, so that I can reach that goal.

As Tablo wrote - my dream is the starting line and the finish line.

WORDKILL

Cuteness for the soul!

Because we can't always be perfect...

Because we can hold hope...

Because there is a God...

Because there will always be something missing...