SO YOU CAN GO TO SLEEP

It's been a while! But it takes a while to get things on track sometimes, I find. I moved to Toronto! It's really nice to be home, to be back. Things are good! I now see people I haven't in a while, and the change of environment is heartening. I've been speaking to people I've lost touch with, applying for jobs, and really just... loving it. I've recently begun reading Out by Natsuo Kirino, and I really loved it! It's pretty gritty and unapologetic... I'm thinking I might pick up a few more of her books. I saw Scott Pilgrim vs The World last night and it was a really cute homage to Toronto. It's nice to know I'm getting a lot of opportunity now to catch up with V now that I'm back. Wish me luck! Time to plunge back into life!

HELLO AND GOODNIGHT

Cruising down the highway, smoothly switching lanes as the hip-hop I pour through headphones bumps along, I can't help but think, I'm so god damn lucky to be alive. With music I have everything I need. I look to the future, one in which I am a midnight road warrior and my speakers radiate pure sound. Where humanity may fail me, music never will. Let it be known, world, I'll take all you throw at me so long as you don't degrade my love, my life, my essence... my music.

DEDICATED TO FOREVER HUSTLE

Oh my goodness, it's another week in the life. I wonder what's pushing me, but I realize I'm zombie-ing. Should I be okay or frightened by this? Who knows, who knows. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and moving onwards, ever onwards. Let's see what's up, baby.

LET ME REENACT
I'm edgy. And I don't really know how to act. But it feels like I'm off on some drum-line, recreating what is right within the lines of this pencil sketch drawing. I feel like I should be far more impressive then I am, and it makes me look forward into ways I can accomplish said goal. I joined the gym with S today, and I'll be going after work. Goal A. Get to a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to the bank to settle some bills. Goal B. Get life paid off. My SIN card arrives in the mail, under my new name, and I'm thinking, wonderful. Goal C. Call up OSAP and start to pay your debt off. Now I just have to get ahold of Apple so I can get onto Goal D: getting my laptop properly fixed. Who knows? Maybe today when I call I'll get someone to act and get it replaced already. Bloody customer service.

THE FEELING OF NOT FEELING YOUR HEART BEAT
Strange is in the cards, and I'm thinking, I should call my mother. Why? I see the news of fire, of chaos, of bloody reins coming down in Toronto, and I worry for her. Is she alright, are things okay? I wonder about the nature of our relationship, and why, of all times, when my child support is no longer an issue for her, that she chooses to ask me to move in with her. It seems a big decision, and so unlike her. I thought we didn't get along? As people rather then a functional family - in that respect, she has failed long ago. I'm curious to see where this goes... and with so many luring me to the city I was born in, I wonder if there's a point to staying in Ottawa beyond family. And friends. I just... can't stand being here anymore. Maybe this is a good change.

JUST LIKE A HEART ATTACK
I wait for justice, and justice does not come. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm losing my touch on things, and I'm no longer sharp. I read what I write and I'm no longer impressed. I think I need to find a good book, settle in a coffee shop with my iPod, and let myself get intimate with my literary side. I'm missing when time was infinite, and the skies were blue. It rains, always rains here. I look at puddles on the ground and wonder if I ever left Washington. But I have a feeling if I were there I wouldn't feel so listless... but I would feel more hopeless in a place where work is impossible, and a Work Visa is more so. I laugh... because California was once the dream of so many, and mine, but now it's impossibly far. S, I'm sorry you cried last night. But I do think about you. Every day. And J, though you're mind isn't around when you're tired, I'm always ridiculously happy when you're there, even when you're mad. I need to call V and see where he's going, because I want to go to Mexico with him and escape. Escape. But find myself.

CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE
Loving it, loving it... something about Mellow's voice just sends shivers down my spine.

BOO

Man, sometimes I realize I'm a massively selfish bitch. Sigh. Whining about myself when really, it's not always about you. I have to stop feeling sorry, and start doing: S, watch out, I'll be calling you for dinner if you're free.

FREESTYLE

You know, sometimes I'm left wondering... what am I doing?

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

You know it's funny, I don't think I was supposed to see what I did. I think I wouldn't have if she hadn't drawn attention to something smaller. I wonder if she knows? But I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wonder if I should even. I mean it's not a fight that hasn't been fought, it's not words that haven't been said, so why do I feel down and a bit pained nonetheless? I shouldn't. It's petty of me, but I just want to go and ask 'well what else do you want from me?' When does it become so one sided? Why am I even feeling like that? It's selfish of me. I mean apart of me really isn't surprised... and I hate that. And it's compounding beyond a single issue. I'm feeling rather ignored for someone else and it sort of feels like a slap in the face because I'm not being given any sort of explanation on it, but I know it's also not my place to say anything either. Yet... I know the same courtesy isn't extended my way. But just because of that, I know I shouldn't be... upset. I just... don't know. I really know. Instantly, my mood is spoiled beyond the simple boredom of the night, and I'm kind of left like... unsure. Of what to do, what to say. And it's quite an unthrilling experience.

What kind of bites too is that it's sort of clear that I'm not happy. And she doesn't really do much to pursue it. The child and the adult in me are warring, because I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't start questioning why, why I'm upset. I shouldn't be upset that she's having lively conversation with someone else. I understand that adults sometimes need space in order to cool down, and re-evaluate positions, and life, and self. But the child in me doesn't want to understand, and angrily wants more, attention, something. I wonder how long this is going to last. I wonder if it'll get brought up. Night two down of this, and I guess only extended time will tell.

LET THE SPEAKERS DRIP

I just had the most emotional two-punch of a shuffle play on iTunes... Feather by Nujabes, followed by Sad Movie by Minos and Soulman. Guh... if my heart wasn't aching enough before, it certainly is now. I like the way music makes me feel, even if it isn't always warm. I'm wondering when I'll meet someone that I'm in love with who I can talk to about that. The little kicks and snares in a song that just capture you, those lyrics that just move you, those little hitches in a voice that disturb you. I listen to the chatter in the background of some of the songs, and I just feel like I can RELATE to these people. Their passion, their love, their need. I'm left wondering why I don't know more people like this beyond J and S. On that note, S seems to have disappeared... I leave her notes on her Facebook, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm a little worried... I wonder if she's gotten herself off on the lithium she's taking now. I'm guilty of not going after her harder. I think maybe Toronto really is a good idea for a little while at least. V... you know how I feel right now, don't you? It's scary out there, and I'm being swallowed up. You came back with me. You know it. The fear that we've peaked, and will no longer be 'fantastic'. I feel like a coward.

FIST IN THE AIR FOR INDEPENDENT MUSIC

I wonder when I stopped being observant. God... S tells me today about the depression, and I should have seen it. I mean I knew something was wrong, but now it's like... when did I lose it? What happened to me? When did I become 'that friend' who ignored all the warning signs, and allowed that friend to slip through the cracks without reaching out? I'm so disappointed in myself it's unreal. I became the bad friend. I became the thing I loathe most.... and I don't really know how to make it better. I'm sorry, S, I know you'll read this and tell me it's okay, but I know in a deeply fundamental way, it's not, and I did something very wrong by not catching it sooner and calling you to come over. Instead I handled it poorly, on msn, with badly aimed words and a brush off that was cold, too cold. I should have been better, because you deserve that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll be better. If the medication isn't working, homie, I'm here because you don't have to feel like you're lonely. Your friends love you. I know it's not the affectionate love you're craving, and I know you know and feel like it's an unreasonable loneliness, but it's there, and it's real, and if you're feeling it, I'll step up and be there. I fucked up. I won't do it again.

REACH NEW HEIGHTS WHILE WE PASS THE TREES

Work is getting super intensive. I'm about to face 3 straight weeks of short-staffing situations, where I'm bound to make some good money, and run to exhaustion. I doubt there will be much understanding, comprehension, or kindness involving this and the people I know, but that's to be expected. I'm not even mad, I just accept it, laugh it off, and go go go! I'm just hoping I don't get super sick at the end of this. I have to see T, C, S, R, S, B and K sometimes next week. One a day? Time to be super powered! Hopefully I'll have a legitimate schedule pinned down starting tomorrow. M is being a total spazz and making it impossible to do much planning because she hasn't given her other work schedule over to us so we can make the fixed schedule. C is getting PISSED because I never seem to have a day to give him. Legitimately... miss that kid. He's got a way of cheering me up like no other. What is with all my bitchassness anyways? I need to snap out of it. Tomorrow I'll find something to make me smile smile smile and be normal. Maybe I'll ask if I can have ice cream on the way home? I don't know how you can feel sad when you're licking coconut and pineapple sherbet from Baskin Robins.

WE DOING BIG THINGS

I wonder if I'm making more miscalculations of judgement then I'm admitting. The idea is frightening. I'm getting anxious - nervous - scared. I'm going to try to call V soon for an emotional consult. And S. J seems to be gone, gone, gone, and I don't know where he's gone. I can't help that these relationships are breaking because I'm not doing more. The idea makes me feel sick. I need to reverse this trend.

LET THE STREETS SING

So there's a new movie coming out in August. Looks absolutely amazing, and after three different trailers, and reading the whole comic book series, I'm so pumped for it. C-c-check it.

TODAY, OR NEVER

Today was one of those 'feel good' days. I got together with T after work, after getting so many of my documents updated. We went to have frozen yogurt, walked around the mall, and eventually settled on going for pho in Chinatown. It was pouring rain outside, and slightly chilly... I didn't bring an umbrella. I'm not thoughtful like that. But T is! He brought an extra large one and we managed to navigate the lonely night world with a high success rate. Not only that, but he bought me prescription circle lenses. I'm so happy! Pho tasted amazing... and secret exchanges of information were a necessity. Apparently, I am predictable. But I'm somewhat okay with this, because it's predictable in things that I'm content with, like, how I'd rather pursue a relationship then a fling, and how I'm happier with fewer relationships then a lot. I ended up having to get off the bus right into pouring pouring drench-you-through rain. It was kind of liberating. I walked through it, singing and kind of dancing, because nobody would see me and because I wanted to. Fun and spontaneous moments in life. What would we do without you?

I JUST WANNA LEAVE YOU

I kinda wish I was back in Blaine. Silly little town, with silly little people, and one special person. Funny, how all you need is that one person? Maybe that's how life is. It's kind of not fair. I miss Hong Kong for that exact reason, everyone was kept so closely together in those dorms, and god, it made life so simple. If I was lonely, I'd call up J and he and I'd be off for a walk in the park ten minutes later. I'd roll over and poke S and we'd have a talk about the nature of love. A would be there for laughs, and V would give me a call at 4 am just to say what's up. I miss it. I want it. I want J to be there for it. Home girl is strong, and I love her, but I'm scared that I found someone that I get long with so soul-consumingly, but she lives so far away. Makes me sad... Is it bad I kinda daydream off about what it would be like if I lived there? Work some finance job downtown, live in a charming apartment, with her, whoever else, grow plants on the balcony and walk everywhere. Haha. I'm crazy. Toronto's a quick approaching reality, and I'm not sure how braced I am for it.

I DON'T WANNA HOLD YOU

S is freaking out. I don't know what's up, but he's going crazy. Emotionally. I suspect. I wonder where he's at? S drops but in the morning, and she's brought be soup because I'm sick the other day, and we consult the boys from different perspectives. I don't know why she's still dating M. Sounds like he's getting increasingly bad, but the funny thing is, when I hear from S it sounds like really, S is the one not doing anything. I guess it all boils down to the way you look at it. I certainly don't miss that part of relationships. Fictitious works of gossip flying every which way. I don't know - at least she's in one, but I'd rather be single then with someone who makes me mad. But arguments are supposed to be a normal part of relationships. The shit we put ourselves through - the excuses made when you're in love. She leaves. M apparently only then reaches back out to S. Funny... he's so angry and worried. He won't tell me why. I'm worried.

MY SOUL IS CRYING

The next month is so busy. Everyone is on vacation, and I'm one of the few people left at work to fill hours. On the plus side, I'll make loads of money. Loads of it. Finally. On the bad side, I'll be so busy... which is annoying when I've managed to build up a site that's flourishing so well. I'm writing tons and tons and tons, and I'm happy, I really am, but god, I wish it wasn't so much work. I wish there wasn't such petty drama associated with it. I wanna pick up. I wish K would follow through and help start that business. He has someone to introduce me to, A, who wants to start import and export out of Korea. I'm game. I need something, anything, to feel more useful then I do now. Sigh... I'm no longer as angry about this as I was before. Perhaps I've fallen into a routine. I need to save myself.

SO SAD...

So really, this has to be one of my favourite MVs ever. It's by Epik High, featuring K.Will, and it's called Music is my Life. Not only is the song ridiculously amazing, there's something about just... the way it's shot, and how everything is put together that really makes me smile every time I see it. Sometimes it's about more then you think.

MY OH MY

In the end... money comes and goes. It's just money. Love life. Be happy. Smile. Laugh a little. Rediscover a friend. Lose another. Shed a tear for the words you couldn't say. Feel that regret. Move past it. Kiss the one you care about. Hold someone's hand. Stop hesitating - move forwards, always forwards.