DEDICATED TO FOREVER HUSTLE

Oh my goodness, it's another week in the life. I wonder what's pushing me, but I realize I'm zombie-ing. Should I be okay or frightened by this? Who knows, who knows. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and moving onwards, ever onwards. Let's see what's up, baby.

LET ME REENACT
I'm edgy. And I don't really know how to act. But it feels like I'm off on some drum-line, recreating what is right within the lines of this pencil sketch drawing. I feel like I should be far more impressive then I am, and it makes me look forward into ways I can accomplish said goal. I joined the gym with S today, and I'll be going after work. Goal A. Get to a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to the bank to settle some bills. Goal B. Get life paid off. My SIN card arrives in the mail, under my new name, and I'm thinking, wonderful. Goal C. Call up OSAP and start to pay your debt off. Now I just have to get ahold of Apple so I can get onto Goal D: getting my laptop properly fixed. Who knows? Maybe today when I call I'll get someone to act and get it replaced already. Bloody customer service.

THE FEELING OF NOT FEELING YOUR HEART BEAT
Strange is in the cards, and I'm thinking, I should call my mother. Why? I see the news of fire, of chaos, of bloody reins coming down in Toronto, and I worry for her. Is she alright, are things okay? I wonder about the nature of our relationship, and why, of all times, when my child support is no longer an issue for her, that she chooses to ask me to move in with her. It seems a big decision, and so unlike her. I thought we didn't get along? As people rather then a functional family - in that respect, she has failed long ago. I'm curious to see where this goes... and with so many luring me to the city I was born in, I wonder if there's a point to staying in Ottawa beyond family. And friends. I just... can't stand being here anymore. Maybe this is a good change.

JUST LIKE A HEART ATTACK
I wait for justice, and justice does not come. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm losing my touch on things, and I'm no longer sharp. I read what I write and I'm no longer impressed. I think I need to find a good book, settle in a coffee shop with my iPod, and let myself get intimate with my literary side. I'm missing when time was infinite, and the skies were blue. It rains, always rains here. I look at puddles on the ground and wonder if I ever left Washington. But I have a feeling if I were there I wouldn't feel so listless... but I would feel more hopeless in a place where work is impossible, and a Work Visa is more so. I laugh... because California was once the dream of so many, and mine, but now it's impossibly far. S, I'm sorry you cried last night. But I do think about you. Every day. And J, though you're mind isn't around when you're tired, I'm always ridiculously happy when you're there, even when you're mad. I need to call V and see where he's going, because I want to go to Mexico with him and escape. Escape. But find myself.

CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE
Loving it, loving it... something about Mellow's voice just sends shivers down my spine.

YOU KNOW THAT I'M NO GOOD

I'm on my way to the airport - it's 5:30 am, and I can see dawn breaking over the Toronto skyline. It's beautiful in a way I don't know how to commit to words. I feel a little bit teary in the limo taxi my mother has ordered, my bare legs on smooth leather, all my bags beside me. It's a calm ride - I don't even pull out my iPod to listen to any music. I had a feeling I'd let those tears slip if I was. There's only so much I can handle in one go, emotionally. I just watch the cityscape run by. I love my hometown. Love it. There's a dirty and wonderful something to it that I think that people take for granted when they remain within the city. But for me, the girl that has both left, and returned, there's a tug at the heartstrings that remains unmistakeable. The flight itself is non-descript. I was cold for a lot of it - they now charge for blankets on Air Canada flights, and I think it's a shame. I couldn't sleep well last night out of excitement, so I slept then, catching precious few hours and waking up with a throat made scratchy by recycled air. Vancouver is flat... gray. I'm a little disappointed by this, because it's actually cold as well, making my hometown seem that much more elated in its predicted 38 degree hell that it plans to be today.

So here I am, on the bus while I wait to go across into the United States. I wonder what the boarder will be like. I've heard so many horror stories, but my previous experiences while on my way to New York were rather anti-climatic, and I pray for the same here. I think I like J's city because it's so... reminiscent of Canada, despite being in the States. The trees, unending stretches of it, remind me of those long drives to the cottage. One more hour! I can't wait.

SPIDERWEBS

It's 3:30 in the morning. I'm reading Bret Easton Ellis' The Informers and working out while listening to Epik High. 2 more days. And I'll be in Toronto, seeing my mother. I'll be in the salon, getting my nails done by Chinese women that I want to talk to but I don't know how to. It's more then language - I lack the ability to understand their suffering. I was born into a blank life of privilege and know nothing of real hardship. I am... listless. Still. I'm praying this trip cures me. Saves me. I want to feel loved by someone. Not anyone. Someone who understands me. I feel blessed because J is just that, even if it's not the romantic kind of love: but having someone understand me is relieving.

GOD BLESS THE SOUL

I talk today with J. It's a good conversation, it flows nicely, and we talk about a variety of things. I'm happy. I tell her some things I haven't told other people before. I'm left thinking: I'm jealous she has a mother that's been there for her. My own was absent from a lot of the major things in my life. My life lessons were taught by a string of unrelated friends and women in my life who passed on the awkward advice of their mothers. Some of the advice, I was too young to understand. Too young to implement. I wonder if I'm the sum of those parts. I wonder if I've failed as a woman, because I lack the understanding of the word 'mother', or at least the function of one. I wonder if I've missed out. And so I continue with my resolution to tell my father everyday that I love him - because he served as both when I needed it, and he's given me everything that she couldn't.

LET THIS COLD RAINSTORM RESURRECT THE SOUL

I read these books from Ellis, and I'm reminded how my own writing seems to emulate his style. I'm both deflated and elated, because I admire him a lot. He's one of those writers that shock you with his absolute defiance of convention, and his shallow mirroring of real life. He dreams. He lets you know that. I wish I could meet him... I'm very excited for his next book, the Imperial Bedrooms, which will be out in a month. It's the sequel to Less Than Zero, which I read one weekend at the cottage and cried to, because I felt it was both good and it left me feeling emotionally violated. I think that was a weekend in which I was having problems with P, because he left me alone for hours and hours, and reading was a nice way to cope. Emotionally unsteady. I think that's a good way to describe the 'me' from then.

DANCE WITH THE INFERNAL ONE

I talk to J and she tells me she thinks I'm a 'nice' person. I wonder if this is true. Or if it's the me that works in accordance to what I feel is a good thing to do, a good way to act. What is 'nice' really? Hah... Is it how we chose to be, or the things we chose to believe? I feel resentment. I'm selfish. I'm cold. I use people. But it's human. I'm human. I don't really believe in 'nice' and 'mean'. I think you should only live the way you feel you should live. Maybe I'm nice by her standards. Maybe by society's standards. But I don't do it for society really... I'm just... living. Be positive. Be happy. Make others happy. Send your love. Be loving. Be graceful. Make errors. Be messy. Be you... just... be you.

COLD BLUE LIPS CONFESSING TO ME

For all those in my life I love...

HUH (HIT YOUR HEART)

It's a good week to be alive!

Isn't it amazing how quickly time has moved on? It's only 3 sleeps until I'm in Toronto! Then another sleep from there until I'm in Blaine with my lovely J-baby! It's going to be an interesting time for sure, what, with the concert in Seattle on the 30th, and all the fun times between J's work and classes. Ahhh, how beautiful is it that I'm going to be there again? Fate, God's hand, whatever you want to call it. I'm going to have a blast, and of that, I'm certain.

BABY, YOU ARE KILLING ME

Mmmm, so Tuesday, I saw S. Boy's drowning in life, but keeping it together. We had a blast, just chilled back, had pho, and gossiped a shitload about the mutual friends we have. He's wonderfully acidic, and he's going to go far, that's for sure. Then we came here, and after some fumbling to get it to start, we watched Secret Dairy of a Call Girl - we even got through a season and a half in one night! Can't wait, when I get back, we'll be finishing it all. I'm so hyped for my next writing project, and this series is making it that much more worse, hahaha! Good research, I'll tell you that. Then Wednesday, I was with R, and we hung out, cooked at his apartment, and watched Modern Family. Then got ice cream from the store. God, I wish he didn't live so far, or we'd hang out more, but it's next to impossible when the kid's an hour and a half away in Nepean. Soooo jokes. But I love chilling with him, he's hella laid back. Sunday is S. She's going to come over for some fun in the sun and some movies, so that'll be enjoyable I'm sure. I'll make drinks, maybe we'll bake... you gotta balance life, you know?

I WANNA BE IN THE MAGAZINES

So projects! I've been asked to do a logo recently, and S from Cali's started a brand new marketing company that she wants me to help with. I've made a portfolio and sent it back to her to review, it's an exciting start to life. I can't wait, to be honest, it's a good start when other things haven't been going my way. The internship needs to find a home come my start into the real world. I'll be applying it up in my time in Bellingham while J works away, I'm sure. I'll be working hard! Fiiiighting~

I AM GONNA BE FAMOUS

Mmmm, I've been wondering of late the manner of life. I feel that the last 2 weeks were rather slow, but I blame my own lethargy that I've been suffering since the end of school. Why? I often sleep, and for far too long. I can no longer sleep at a normal time when getting to bed. I fear that I've ruined my sleeping habits, but I'm trying quite hard to shape them back into something resembling normalcy. All this over sleeping has left me feeling sleep hungover in the mornings... or the afternoons, rather. I'd like to piece myself into something more solid, and capable. I think it's affecting my cheerful outlook on life. 97% of life is about how you deal with things when they aren't going well. And now I need to get out of it. I think I can repair myself, hopefully, with this vacation.

KEEP IN MAH WAY

Have I mentioned how I'm in love with Cube Entertainment? Man oh man, I love 4 Minute and B2ST... and both are in the new MV they put out! So happy!

SHOPAHOLIC

I'm so happy! Thailand was an amazing time. I had so much fun, and I'm happy to have spent so much time with everyone. Getting home was amazing though, I won't lie to you! It felt good to sleep in my own bed after being in all those hotels and guest houses. I think my favourite part was seeing C. I missed him so much, and it was nice, he held me in the cab when it was finally time to go back to the hotel around 3 am. Just like at home, you know? It made me a little homesick. But I talked to my brother today, and it was good, he managed to remind my dad to get in touch with me, haha!

I've also had my first midterm. I was sadddddened by how piss easy it was. But then I got my first quiz back and I did miserably! So it's back to the books for me, sigh, I can't be messing around forever. But it's hard when there's so much to do around you! I'm off to South Korea this weekend, and while I couldn't score tickets, I'm hoping to get some at the venue from people who need money. God I hope I can!? I'll be upset if I can't go but... you know what, it happens. Haha, no use being bitter, right? If it's going to happen, it will, and if it isn't, then there's no use crying over it.

I wonder when did people get so weird about being in love? So many adult factors seem to play into things in modern relationships. But isn't how you feel about the other person the most important thing? More then what they do or don't do, more then what they say or don't say... because no matter what's going on, you're the final decider. So why do we all let little things like that come in the way of things? Sigh. I don't know anymore. I'm a bit sick of it all to be honest.

South Korea though! I'm super pumped. I can't wait to go shopping! 2 more days!

[e]MOTIONAL

I thought about it, and I kind of take this blog too seriously. It's not a fun thing to write, but more kind of like... for when I'm upset. Which is kind of silly, don't you think? Time to change it up!

I'm really excited about tomorrow. I'm going to Thailand! I'm looking forward to seeing C, and also shopping (of course) and this whole tour thing that we'll be going on. We'll be riding elephants and doing it up in hot tubs! WIN! I can't wait! It looks like it's going to be an amazing time.

Speaking of amazing times, jesus eff, I went to see Super Junior in concert! It was pretty thrilling, my friend L and I were right up by the stage, got shot by waterguns by the boys, and I got blown a kiss by Sungmin! Oh, and I randomly got interviewed by 2 television stations! I think the nicest point of the night was when L commented that I should have been on stage over this Korean girl, dancing with Ryeowook during his Insomnia song (damn you, why didn't you sing Wheesung's version!!!). I've never been terribly confident in how I dance so it felt nice! I love you L!

Yesterday the Girlmance got together to participate in Hall 7's cookoff. It was a lot of fun! Highlights included cooking with everyone, giggling and calling C our 'bitch', watching and eating A's rice crispy squares (haven't had them homemade since I was 6!), and this little chinese girl telling us that she tried pancakes for the first time through us. So cute!

Also booked my tickets to Singapore and Malaysia. Feeling very excited about this! I can't wait to see the house my dad was born in... I think I'll walk away a little changed. This exchange is doing a lot of things for me, all of them positive. I'm so happy about all of this.