FREESTYLE

You know, sometimes I'm left wondering... what am I doing?

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

You know it's funny, I don't think I was supposed to see what I did. I think I wouldn't have if she hadn't drawn attention to something smaller. I wonder if she knows? But I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wonder if I should even. I mean it's not a fight that hasn't been fought, it's not words that haven't been said, so why do I feel down and a bit pained nonetheless? I shouldn't. It's petty of me, but I just want to go and ask 'well what else do you want from me?' When does it become so one sided? Why am I even feeling like that? It's selfish of me. I mean apart of me really isn't surprised... and I hate that. And it's compounding beyond a single issue. I'm feeling rather ignored for someone else and it sort of feels like a slap in the face because I'm not being given any sort of explanation on it, but I know it's also not my place to say anything either. Yet... I know the same courtesy isn't extended my way. But just because of that, I know I shouldn't be... upset. I just... don't know. I really know. Instantly, my mood is spoiled beyond the simple boredom of the night, and I'm kind of left like... unsure. Of what to do, what to say. And it's quite an unthrilling experience.

What kind of bites too is that it's sort of clear that I'm not happy. And she doesn't really do much to pursue it. The child and the adult in me are warring, because I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't start questioning why, why I'm upset. I shouldn't be upset that she's having lively conversation with someone else. I understand that adults sometimes need space in order to cool down, and re-evaluate positions, and life, and self. But the child in me doesn't want to understand, and angrily wants more, attention, something. I wonder how long this is going to last. I wonder if it'll get brought up. Night two down of this, and I guess only extended time will tell.

LET THE SPEAKERS DRIP

I just had the most emotional two-punch of a shuffle play on iTunes... Feather by Nujabes, followed by Sad Movie by Minos and Soulman. Guh... if my heart wasn't aching enough before, it certainly is now. I like the way music makes me feel, even if it isn't always warm. I'm wondering when I'll meet someone that I'm in love with who I can talk to about that. The little kicks and snares in a song that just capture you, those lyrics that just move you, those little hitches in a voice that disturb you. I listen to the chatter in the background of some of the songs, and I just feel like I can RELATE to these people. Their passion, their love, their need. I'm left wondering why I don't know more people like this beyond J and S. On that note, S seems to have disappeared... I leave her notes on her Facebook, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm a little worried... I wonder if she's gotten herself off on the lithium she's taking now. I'm guilty of not going after her harder. I think maybe Toronto really is a good idea for a little while at least. V... you know how I feel right now, don't you? It's scary out there, and I'm being swallowed up. You came back with me. You know it. The fear that we've peaked, and will no longer be 'fantastic'. I feel like a coward.

FIST IN THE AIR FOR INDEPENDENT MUSIC

I wonder when I stopped being observant. God... S tells me today about the depression, and I should have seen it. I mean I knew something was wrong, but now it's like... when did I lose it? What happened to me? When did I become 'that friend' who ignored all the warning signs, and allowed that friend to slip through the cracks without reaching out? I'm so disappointed in myself it's unreal. I became the bad friend. I became the thing I loathe most.... and I don't really know how to make it better. I'm sorry, S, I know you'll read this and tell me it's okay, but I know in a deeply fundamental way, it's not, and I did something very wrong by not catching it sooner and calling you to come over. Instead I handled it poorly, on msn, with badly aimed words and a brush off that was cold, too cold. I should have been better, because you deserve that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll be better. If the medication isn't working, homie, I'm here because you don't have to feel like you're lonely. Your friends love you. I know it's not the affectionate love you're craving, and I know you know and feel like it's an unreasonable loneliness, but it's there, and it's real, and if you're feeling it, I'll step up and be there. I fucked up. I won't do it again.

REACH NEW HEIGHTS WHILE WE PASS THE TREES

Work is getting super intensive. I'm about to face 3 straight weeks of short-staffing situations, where I'm bound to make some good money, and run to exhaustion. I doubt there will be much understanding, comprehension, or kindness involving this and the people I know, but that's to be expected. I'm not even mad, I just accept it, laugh it off, and go go go! I'm just hoping I don't get super sick at the end of this. I have to see T, C, S, R, S, B and K sometimes next week. One a day? Time to be super powered! Hopefully I'll have a legitimate schedule pinned down starting tomorrow. M is being a total spazz and making it impossible to do much planning because she hasn't given her other work schedule over to us so we can make the fixed schedule. C is getting PISSED because I never seem to have a day to give him. Legitimately... miss that kid. He's got a way of cheering me up like no other. What is with all my bitchassness anyways? I need to snap out of it. Tomorrow I'll find something to make me smile smile smile and be normal. Maybe I'll ask if I can have ice cream on the way home? I don't know how you can feel sad when you're licking coconut and pineapple sherbet from Baskin Robins.

WE DOING BIG THINGS

I wonder if I'm making more miscalculations of judgement then I'm admitting. The idea is frightening. I'm getting anxious - nervous - scared. I'm going to try to call V soon for an emotional consult. And S. J seems to be gone, gone, gone, and I don't know where he's gone. I can't help that these relationships are breaking because I'm not doing more. The idea makes me feel sick. I need to reverse this trend.

LET THE STREETS SING

So there's a new movie coming out in August. Looks absolutely amazing, and after three different trailers, and reading the whole comic book series, I'm so pumped for it. C-c-check it.

NU ABO

It's a weird time for me. I'm sleepy all the time now. I've been going to job interviews, more and more. Sigh... Nothing of note so far. I'm spend my days sleeping. I work at nights. It's not too bad though, I'm trying to keep myself up by napping, and being positive. A good attitude goes a long way, right? I've been playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIII, which is fun but mannn, it's taking forever to get anywhere! I got my enhanced drivers license in the mail, so I'm absolutely set for my trip to Seattle now, whee, so happy! I can't wait, to be honest, there's so much to look forwards to. I watched a good movie recently called Malice in Wonderland, a really great indie film. Haunting. Very witty... I miss films like this. Everyone seems so quiet lately, and I feel almost like I'm walking through the woods in the middle of winter - sound is just... sucked away. Maybe I'm just in a weird mind-space...

OH CONTRARY

Feeling so accomplished today. I did a lot! I managed to go make a series of needed phone calls... and I helped to clear up several paperwork issues to be concluded tomorrow. I feel like I'm in a weird mood, you know? I was all inspired to write and just be earlier, but ended up doing nothing with it. Maybe I'm frustrated. I don't know. I lost all motivation and desire... poof. But I'm sure it'll come back, it always does. I saw a really cool movie tonight though! The Losers, based off of this old DC comic. I enjoyed it a lot, even if the boy I ended up going with wanted me to date him seriously afterwards, which wasn't something I was really down with. I don't know, I'd rather date someone I'm more interested in? Hahaha, how awkward. I'm waiting for inspiration to come hit me again... I got a lot of stuff down on paper yesterday, when I'd finished my last exam. It was beautiful, you know? Knowing that I was 100% done with school. It's both exhilarating and frightening. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but it's time to set forth into the world.

Are you ready for me?

SKIP TO THE MOON

I'm laughing. Last night was pretty nice, actually. After the night, after I'd long ago given up the theory contained in my textbooks and slide shows, I was Skyping until the disgusting hours of the morning with S. Girl really does got her head on straight, I promise you that. We're always laughing. Complaining about boys. Feeling a little bit broken. She's one of the rare few girls in which I truly get along with... but I think it's because she and I were both raised on a steady diet of boys, and their laid back attitude. We were looking for jobs and debating the meaning of growing up. About the things we have to give up in order to accomplish our dreams. Really, as I said to J a week ago, I think I'd honestly be happiest ifI were on a couch in some basement studio, listening to people create visionary hip-hop. I've seen the cheap B-movie version of it from the times I've flitted through Scarborough, with boys that front like they were men, but I'm looking for the realness that they lacked. One day, one day.

EXPOSE FOR THE MASSES

Around 11 pm last night, C tells me that she's heard a friend of hers has committed suicide. His last update on Facebook is the line from a movie, "I don't think I can make it to the party". It's both insipid and beautiful, splendid in its selfish statement of intellectual superiority. They were close... had talked within the last 2 days, no less. I'm praying for her, in the limited way I know how. I know it's a horrible blow, and it feels so far away from me... maybe that's callus of me. I haven't had someone close to me die in quite a while. The last one was for my great grandmother, 98, memory lost to too many sad sights and happy births. It lead to so many things, that funeral. I think you can really only take what life you can from the deaths of others...

24 KG LASERS

DEFINITELY was super lame today and decided to apologize to J in the form of a playlist. I don't know, I find something deeply lovely in that. Like a quote I'm fully stealing from Audible Mainframe's song, Redwine & Xanex, if only I could say the words that I played for you in that last song. I'm a pretty articulate individual, but sometimes it's hard when you know the reason why you're not talking now is no longer you, or them, but rather the nature of the other human being. What to do? I'm fine with it. Understanding is more then half the battle. And at this point, I know how J can be. I'm not made angry or hurt by it... it's just how she is sometimes. I hope she likes it though! It took forever to upload the songs onto a host so that they could be sorted into Mixpod. Bloody thing has such a limited music database. I enjoyed it none-the-less, and it was a welcome distraction from my textbooks. Finished the last of chapter 7 slides for accounting and I've read chapter 6 of fixed income, and 7 and 10 are to follow! Then I'll settle with watching the movie I didn't get to watch last night. Sigh. Nice night planned!

GRASP ON THE HEELS OF APOLLO

So I got sick after all. Staying up late does that to a person. I've spent the day sleeping and made some homemade chicken soup, which I found particularly comforting. I have a feeling that will be the staple of my diet while living away, because I find it the food that best puts me at ease. Plus it's pretty easy to make! Really, you just need ginger, a whole chicken, rice, and pepper. So simple, but so good. And pretty healthy too! I'm working out a bit today and tonight again, trying to remind my body of activity. Going to look into signing up at the gym once exams are done. Must get back in shape, must get back in shape...

GIVE ME SOME LOVE AND THEN I GLOW

The movie was incredible. I haven't seen something that good in so long. Truly a fantastic film, and I cannot believe that it wasn't released commercially. Well I can, and I can't, because it's a very artistic film, and not exactly a popular one. I saw acting talent, however, in a lot of actors and actresses that I thought didn't have any of it. Very impressed. It was all poetry and vision, and I wish I had the time to watch more movies like this. It reminds me of when I used to dedicate my time to a boy, him and I, and we would sit on this couch and watch endless movies, only interrupted by personal needs. Beautiful... I'm so impressed.

I'M ON THE GRIND

Boys are crazy! I wonder why they think I want to hear things about how they're still into their exs. Now I wonder if I was like that in the post-P period. I think it's silly. These are private things that are better discussed in person rather then msn... I have a feeling the date we're going to have is going to be horrid.

WE ABOUT TO GO LIVE

Still can't let go of this song... it's a huge reason why CYNE definitely is the top favourite amongst the underground hip-hop scene. Last time they toured was over a year ago... I'm honestly crossing my fingers that they play a show soon. I will so drop everything to fly down to see them. Being able to see this kind of creativity up close and personal would be soul-completing.

MISS. UNDERSTAND

Long day... long long day. Wake up in the morning, and I've begun to feel as if already, things are at a standstill, that sense in which things have become routine, and in this, I am made extremely unhappy with this. Why? Because I don't like feeling as if I've become rooted down. I want to be made uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. There's so much I want to do... that I want to accomplish, and I feel as if it's not possible here. The present of this place seems to drag you down, and I doubt my happiness here. Not that I'm sad, or down, or depressed. Just contemplative of my future. I am graduating, after all. The adult world awaits: and the prospect of it is both frightening and exciting. I hope Stephanie follows through. It'd be nice to have a friend in Shanghai with me. The idea of having nobody that I know while I'm there... scares me. Secretly. A lot.

BECAUSE OF OUR AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP

I fought with J last night. Why? She's seeming distant, and it upsets me a little. Why? Well... I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm being bitter with her because I'm resentful that she isn't posting, and it's like, well damn girl, didn't you bust up on my ass to post ASAP, then said "I hope you won't try to get back at me for not posting in a while by taking a week"? Then have proceeded to write nothing in a week? Sigh. I mean, I get it. School, life, whatever. But it's so disparaging to hear that she's going to work on it and then nothing at all gets done. So last night I might have crossed the line because she was being so quiet with me, but at the same time, I felt like something had to be said about it. I chose my words poorly though. Sometimes, you misfire. And I didn't provide the quiet kill, no, I made it messy, and now I'm left thinking she's made embittered by my comment and will ignore me for a while. But as I said in my conversation with L on the matter, sometimes that's how things go. That, too, is life.

LIPS CLOSED TIGHTLY

I don't understand my father. Why he has to be so utterly disparaging about my internship opportunity. He tells me, "Why can't you just work with an organization in Ottawa, why can't you just stay with one that will give you travelling opportunities?". I come to him earlier today with news that my friend C got a job with Export Development Canada. I'm really happy for him. My father only looks at me saying "Well he'll be making more for you, and will have a chance to travel" and he proceeds to say that I'll be paid shit, and treated just the same while on my internship. And it's like... he hasn't listened to anything I plan to learn from this. I want to go forward, I want to know that I'll have the opportunity, and I need to do it while I'm young enough to be adventurous and fearless. I don't want to find a job here and just... settle. The nightmare of it consumes me. I don't think he understands how hurtful his comments are, and how they only serve to push me further away.

SHATTERED THE BITTERSWEET DREAM

Listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. Miss that feel, to be honest. There's something about those underground artists that sample the classics, jazz, soul, and I'm left a little breathless by the poetry and soliloquy presented to me. I feel so inferior in comparison in terms of skill. I often quote the lyrics when I write, because I feel their turn of phrases unloved, and I want to put it into some arena where at least someone will read them. Who knows if they are? It's more for me then anything. That's selfish but... that's why I write. Though I'm scared I'm losing my flair for it. C's up and writing again. She's so... fantastic. I don't think she understands the depth of it. Talking to her again makes me feel like the adult that I always pretend that I am. Actually feel it. She's an adult in a sense that always left me envious. I could never believe she was only a year older then me. Last night was interesting, we had a very in depth conversation, some exerts being:

C : the trick is not to overthink it

C : or let the fear carve out a permanent place

Z : i refuse to let it

Z : so even if i feel i'm not ready, i plan to approach my career the same way i appraoched losing my virginity - with a brave face, faking as if i know what to do until it feels right

C : hahahaha!

C : that is how life should be handled i feel

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY

I'm feeling a little ill. Stood outside in the cold for quite a long time today. I ate well - eggs (breakfast and dinner), an apple, banana, a little lean cuisine frozen lunch, and shrimp with soy sauce. I'm going to curl up and watch New York, I Love You in the early hours of my morning, after a nap and an injection of caffeine to help nurse me through the midnight hours so that I can study a little longer, push myself a little further. I'll work out a bit, make some tea, and keep going. Exams start next Thursday... I don't want to write them. I'm feeling quite broke, but I'll keep moving, and keep working. Hopefully my schedule will change for the better for work once exams are over. I'll be crossing my fingers. I leave off with a song I found from DJ Shinin' Stone, with Maslo and Keyreal. Love it!

RUN

Feeling kind of "oh my god" about life lately. Graduating in a month, and exams are coming up! Holy shit, right? There's only three, but I really have to get studying soon. It's just that the will to do so is nearly zero in me, I don't know. I should be focusing and really bringing it together. But I feel like I almost have 'tomorrow' syndrome because it's just like with these other internal promises I keep making with myself. I put it off longer and longer. But tonight I'm going to sit down and do a serious session between me and my slideshow notes. Then next with the textbook. The only person who can make things start is me! Tomorrow I'll hit up the gym as well, because I've been dying to do so. Also I'll try signing up with GoodLife as well for next month since my student gym coverage will run out. Sadface. But life's gotta get in order, and it's a serious investment of time and effort. Going to be an interesting time for sure.... for... sure...

TOUCH THE SKY WITH YOUR HANDS

Currently Skyping with S at the same time. She's all saying she wants to try to get into Shanghai with me now. How amazing would that be? It'll be me, and her, back in our Hong Kong days of fun, work, and leisurely taking life. We're discussing the growing up experience. We both seem out of it, tired, and utterly able to relate, and its times like this that I know for sure that I love her. Sigh.

FILLED WITH YOUR DREAMS

Must also find another job soon! I've got to get more moneyyyy!!! I've started applying but I know now is the worst time to find a job. God. And I have a horrible suspicion that I'm about to lose a shift at work because summer is coming. Aiiiish, cannot afford to do! Need gym membership, AIESEC fees, dental... so much to do, so little money. Things are going to get better though, I'll make sure of it.

WHAT AM I RUNNING TOWARDS?

I saw a movie last night. Pirate Radio. The best visual from that movie was when the boat was sinking, and there was just an array of vinyl albums just floating in masses... really beautiful stuff, actually. It was a sense of loss that I could understand in how the man that was swimming through it all, trying to clutch to his favourite albums, would want to risk life and limb for such a thing. His music was an essential extension of himself - he couldn't let those things simply go to waste. It was more then the physical possession of the album, it was all that it made him feel, all that made him realize what life was. And... yah. I loved that scene. Great movie, I felt it helped communicate that love for music even if the music they loved wasn't my style at all.

ABANDONED BY THE GALAXY

On a happy note though, one of my favourite groups, B2ST, just released a new MV today! It's for the song Say No. I loved it... and the MV is just beautiful, really. Eeee, I was so excited to watch it!!! Junhyung = definite sense of love. Heehee, excuse me while I fangirl the fuck out.

HEARTBREAKER

I'm here now. On my exchange! It's been a few weeks, and I love this place. It's beautiful. It's hot. It's sticky, it's dirty, it's wonderful. I'm so happy I've taken this chance because I really feel that this will help define me for years to come. I'm so... pleased! School's started, but I have so much of this place to explore. For example, I will be visiting the giant Buddha with one of my lovely roommates soon. Go climb and discover beaches. I've bought tickets to concerts, and have dined in back alley restaurants that have blown my mind. Everything is cheap, and everyone is happy. The money... none of it seems to matter. I'm so happy. Really, truly. I want to become the best version of myself, and here is a place to help define that.

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

A lot of great music has come out lately! G-Dragon's solo album, and the Big Bang Japanese album both were great, though I would have expected a little more. I find so many people here willing to listen to Korean music, so I'm pretty pleased. In fact, I've started a Korean drama club, where we get together after classes to watch Korean television shows in our common room. They're pretty hilarious... we're currently working through Partner, and then we've Boys Over Flowers, Full House, and Coffee Prince to kill off. It's going to be fun! And it's a great way to make friends? I find it really easy here. Like the mainland boys, they're so helpful and friendly in my dorm. I met most of them through my roommate S, who is an absolute doll. I'll be visiting her in South California now on my Reading Break because she swears I'll love it. I know I will - she's from there! My other roommate, A, is from my hometown. She's so proper, and sweet... hahaha, and all of us take turns playing the responsible one. It's the official Girlmance to define our exchange!!!

COCO BEFORE CHANEL

I honestly don't know why, but the trailer for this movie makes me tear up each and every time. I can't wait for it to come out... it looks fantastic, lovely, and just... it tugs at me. It seems special... and on the subject of movies, I recently saw Inglorious Basterds, which was amazing! Tarantino really knows how to put together a fantastic film - and it had all of his trademarks, including clever dialogue, and random bouts of violence. I didn't see the Apple cigarettes, but he did manage to work in his foot fetish which made me giggle. Can't wait for his next film! Please, jesus, let it be Sin City!

WE GETTIN DOWN IN THE CLUB

The nightlife here is indescribable. I swear to you, I get so sick when drinking because it's free. Always free. To get in, to drink, everything. How will I ever go back home? It seems so primitive now! I'm going to have to make the move here for work because I know myself, and I will never be satisfied now that I've had a taste of something better. Each night seems to overshadow the last.... be it going to a club, going for dinner, or just hanging out in the dorm room. It's really difficult to believe it's only been a week since I've arrived, because it feels like forever. And I'm still flying on that honeymoon high. I don't miss anyone yet... but it will come. But for now, I shall enjoy.

FANATICAL

Sigh. I've fallen behind on posting again. Things are just busy, but not, so it's hard to really put down excuses when we're talking about a personal blog, for me. Thank god it isn't another assignment is all, I guess. I kind of liked being able to break things down into topics like I did last time, since really, there are so many things that I end up involving myself in that it's insane, and hard to really organize any other way. So let's begin?

C AND WATCHING THE WATCHMEN

C, baby, if I cared about you in a way other then friendship, we'd be perfect together. Thanks for dragging me out last night, drinking with me (and making my drinks weaker, although only after some pleading on my part), and watching that awesome movie. Thanks for hitting on me, because it was kind of cute, even though we both feel nothing and it's just for fun. Thanks for driving around with me for an hour just listening to old school Gorillaz and Radiohead, while we talked about our upcoming exchanges, the philosophy and reasons why behind them, and where we're gonna be. The rain coming in through the open windows of the car that you insisted on, the both of us getting soaking wet but not caring, sobering up in those glistening moments. You're one of the few people who really tell it to me straight, and I appreciate you so much for this. When you tell me that I'm going to be successful, I really believe you because you wouldn't bullshit like that. Real shit, no talk, right? You're the kind of guy my dad tells me I should date (mentioned by name, no less), and you know, he's right, you're that right kind of person exactly. You're just not it for me, is all. But you're that person I'll be comparing others to, and maybe I'll tell you that one day if you weren't already so cocky. But you know, even if I didn't say it to you in the car last night, you're right, I'm probably a lot more down to earth and honest with other people because we spend so much time hanging out. I was being a spoilt princess when we first started hanging out, because I was in that painful place where I wasn't really sure how to reconcile the breakup with what everyone was saying. You always just listened, and kicked me when I was blabbering too long about it, and we'd just get high and watch the stars... I needed those things then. Thanks for giving them to me. Thanks for always shutting me down when I need to be, and being a great friend. Even if you say you don't believe in things like love, affection, relationships, I hope that you do find that spark and desire for it while you're in Thailand like you said, because really, you will make someone very happy one day, and you deserve to have someone make you very happy as well. Thanks for making me feel like a kid, a girl, and a woman at all the right moments. Here's to the times you've carried me over puddles, made me food, told me that I was an idiot, and warned me about guys I shouldn't chase. Thanks, C, for being you.

SOUNDTRACK TO A LOST FILM

This soundtrack is amazing. Done by DJ Pe2ny and Tablo (together known as Eternal Morning), it's a instrumental album that just SPEAKS to you. The titles of the songs are things like Rainclouds in my Room, and Holden Caulfield, Fingerprints... and you know, the songs that correspond to them really fit. The song that really got me was Father's Watch, I think I actually teared up the first time I heard it. I'd love to see someone set a bunch of mini-stories to these songs. I think it would be amazing - a truly worthwhile project. I think the album is beautiful... and I'd love to see these two amazing artists collaborate again. I mean ya, Epik High just dropped Remixing the Human Soul (their remix and re-cute album of some of their songs) but it doesn't have that gentle touch to it like this album. I really feel when I hear it. I think it's the kind of music that makes a difference, and cares about itself rather then how many copies it sells. It's art - pure and simple. And I love it. I could honestly write an entire blog post just on each song, how they make me feel, and how I think they just work. But... while I had plans, like everything, they don't always work.

CLIQUES, THE A-LIST, WHATEVER

Dear fucking Jesus in heaven, I've had enough of this high school crap. I'm mad that you're going to giggle off with one person, and ignore the hard work put in by another. Cait... you shouldn't have been shut down the way you were by those girls, it was wrong, and you are so much better then that. And while I want to blame it on their age, their lack of experience and exposure, whatever, it can be put down that at times, some people are just rotten. We all have our moments... but I hope you don't keep feeling sad. You're wonderful - and I care too much to let some stupid young children get you down on yourself.

THE JOB, THE FINANCES

It's coming up... the exchange. In one month today, I'll be landing in Hong Kong. I'm scared - I'm elated. I worked it all out, and between my two jobs, my OSAP, my loans, and whatever else, I'll have the money I need by August. I'm worried though, at the same time, because once I'm out of money, I'm out, and I'm screwed! There's a lot of stuff I want to do while I'm there... places to see, people to meet, boys to flirt with, things to buy... experience, basically. It'll be the longest I've ever been away from home, and I need to grow up a little, personality and maturity wise. I'm a weak person - I try too hard with others and I find it hard to relax and be myself. I want to be able to say 'fuck convention', and really mean it instead of saying it for showy reasons, which is honestly how it is most of the time. I take things too seriously... I got to lighten up. There's a lot of things I need to work on, but hopefully this will help guide the way. Haha... I want to be the best version of myself possible, I guess. Isn't that a natural desire? I think I can do it. I want it, breath it, work for it, but I think the dedication is waning. I need to reinvigorate myself. China, baby, be that inspiration for me. But it's hard to think of that while I'm still doing work. It's so boring here right now... but I think when the contract ends and I'm in Toronto (hopefully enjoying some sun!?) it'll really hit me.

THE PARTY'S IN TOWN, WHERE ARE YOU?

So my girl C is coming into town next Thursday from Lethbridge, and I'm pretty keen to see her. She's like... well... male C! Very straightforward and honest. I like her a lot - I was really sad when she left to go move away for university. I know this means I'll be drinking more, going out every night, and living that bad lifestyle, but for the both of us that kind of thing is a rarity. It's meant to be shared with close friends, rather then just doing it for the sake of it; I think I forgot that before. But, being on better bearings, I'm happy she'll be here. I hope it's a good trip, because for L and me (both housing her in the time she's here) it's busy, with me handling my family reunion, and L handling her exams. What a week it's going to be! She'll be here Thursday afternoon... I'm thinking treats for dinner, unpacking, cleaning, and just being! Movies, maybe, even. L and I are getting to be better friends too, so the awkwardness that trailed C's last visit should be all but gone. I love L, but sometimes, girl, you're so dense and you have to realize the things you say, and how you say them, can come off as rude and not 'blunt', like you say. But that's kinda past, isn't it? I'm excited. The funny thing is, Q is also apparently coming into town that weekend. I will not be getting together with him. He's bad in the ways that aren't good for me, and I'm planning on just letting him stay with A and be bored or party or whatever. I've got my hands full and I don't need his drama! Especially since I don't know if R is coming with him or not. That would be trouble and a half. I haven't even spoken to either of them in months, so I don't know why Q, at least, is playing buddy buddy. I'm not selling what you're looking for, kid, so... off with you.

FINALS HAVE ARRIVED

And the last item on the agenda is the final presentation that I've got to do for my class. I'm terrified - I'm worried I'll make some stupid mistake and fail the class. It's not an option. But I'm piss-my-pants kind of scared over it. I can't wait to be done with it, and I'm going to practice practice practice all weekend until I nail it down tight. I CAN DO IT!!!

EYES WIDE SHUT

Every day is beginning to blend and bleed into the other. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm awake or asleep. I wake up, push snooze five times until it hits nine in the morning, and then I'm up, showered, prettified, and gone. Every day I skip in, tired, and pained. I don't know when today begins, and tomorrow ends. I spend my bus rides reading, new books, old books, and one of them just finished was Glamorama. I loved it. It made me feel a lot of things of a character I wasn't even sure that I liked. But I understood his fear. I'm convinced now that Bret Easton Ellis is one of the greatest writers I've ever read. I finished it today, and I'm walking out of work, and the air, all around the area, is filled with the beautiful wisps of milk weed puffs. I'm watching them fly, try to catch them and... I felt nothing. That sense of complete apathy that has been washing over me the last couple of days has left me almost breathless. I just don't care anymore. I don't know why, and I feel a little... unsure of myself. What the hell am I doing, where am I going? From speaking with Toby, it seems he's feeling that same sense of personal listlessness. We are a lost generation, and no, this is not an exit.

But isn't that alright? I'm wondering if depth of perception, and self awareness, even vary from person to person, with some people better able to reconcile their private thoughts with their own public persona. We're just... all coming in at the same thing from different directions. How do we all sleep at night. How do we just... perceive the world? It seems somehow all foreign to me now, a picture of a picture of a picture. Fuzzy and just... kind of far off. We're all fucked up, and all pretty amazing. People fascinate me, to be honest. They're just so different, happy, uniform, dangerous. But I think that all the business in my life has kept me so preoccupied that I've forgotten what it's like to be around such humanity.

I keep watching a string of one bad movies, one after another. I'm enjoying them, and it passes the time. I let myself zone out, feel myself grow a tiny bit wearier. I'm feeling tired all the time, but more sleep isn't coming. Sidewalks of New York is sad, a good movie, but I'm sad all the same. I spent today by the river, with my aunt, my father, my brother, having a picnic, the sun setting. I wanted to be moved. My brother and I chased each other with sticks, fighting, laughing, being kids. It was pretty enjoyable. I think we're all focusing on the wrong thing. We have to bring it back, find that basic joy. The smallest things, I find, make me happy.

TOP GUN

What a difficult week. Not in terms of stress, or lack of sleep, just in other general terms. Poor dad, he's got kidney stones, and my brother's struggling with another weekly crisis of identity. I think it's times like this I really wish I could drive. It would make things easier, and relieve some of the burden on dad. I think the only upside to it is that the report I've got to do for this week is only a letter, though there will be a full presentation to do. I've got to get started on that.

Today, I slept in super late. It was glorious. I spent all day just writing, and watching movies. I ended up watching the Other Boleyn Girl. It wasn't exactly a phenomenal movie, but it is inspiring in its own way. It really does show the power a woman can hold over someone... who knew that sex was such a motivating factor? How lucky, for us, to be psychologically more plastic in terms of our needs. Meaning... if we want it, we won't go through extreme measures to get it. I mean, the greatest art on this planet is typically dedicated to a woman, or is done in the name of getting a woman. I suppose this is supposed to be comforting. To know that all it takes is a little lust to get anything you want. I don't know, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. After having used those kinds of wiles to my advantage all of last summer, I only found how empty things felt at the end of the day. The only guys that ever managed to really catch my attention were the ones who were immune to such things. Chasing the unattainable. Is it honest attraction, or just me being just... well, wanting someone that I can't have. Who knows? All that matters, I guess, is that if I'm willing to put aside happiness, I'll be able to get anything I want. But isn't that the case for anything, not just men?

I've made almond jello, and it's setting in the fridge, though I was a little sad to find out that there's no fruit cocktail to go along with it. I could try making something else to go along with it, like strawberries, orange and pineapple, though I suspect it wouldn't be as nice as the traditional. I'm thinking of making orange-walnut-almond salad for lunch at work tomorrow, which hopefully be enough. I'm trying to get off eating as much meat as I do. I mean... protein comes from other courses too. Hopefully the walnuts and almonds will do the trick. Must stay on this stupid diet! It's getting warmer every week, though today you would never know. It's so grey. I would have liked it if it had rained though. Maybe it will later tonight? I'm hoping to read on the couch with a pot of tea. I'm loving this new Rufus Wainwright phase. I miss this kind of moving music. Tomorrow's going to be a new week. We'll see how it goes!

TWO-SIDED COIN

Hmmm! It's been a while since I last wrote. I deleted all of my older posts, since... well, I ended up being a lot sadder in them then I really wanted to seem. It's summer now... and I'm so happy. I got accepted to Hong Kong! It's always been one of my life goals to go to Asia and visit the place my dad was born in Sibu, Malaysia. Going on exchange to Hong Kong will allow me the opportunity to do that. I've always seen that house in pictures... seen his room pointed out to me. Heard all about how I still have family there, in that house. It's touching in a way I don't quite know how to put into words. I suspect that I might even cry seeing it. It seems the older I get, the more connected to my heritage I feel I have to be. It brings a sense of love and comfort that I don't think I could have comprehended when I was younger. I feel so... incredibly loved, knowing and discovering my family. Because I can see that they will always be there for me, that love will not fade. Eventually, even my own father will pass... but the love that was there, the memories shared, the crying, the fighting, the laughter, the lessons... they'll always endure. And I'm not quite sure what to say other than I'm so happy that this exchange will help me along with this. I want to grow up from this exchange - to become a worthy person. It's not as if I lack worth now... it's that I feel I shouldn't be satisfied with just being. Nor should I just change for the sake of change! It's... well, you have to always try to improve. Be a better person. Distancing myself from my current surroundings might be the shock I need to my system to help myself along. I'm still young, after all, and some things come more difficult now then later. Perhaps this is one of them...

Still, I look back to more than a year ago, and I'm surprised by the changes that I've seen in myself, and those around me. My dad asked me today if I ever thought of the first boy, and only boy, I ever loved. It was a bit of a surprise... But the answer was yes. But now, the feelings there were much different then they had been before. I think of him often... almost everyday. I love him still. But it's not the sick, unhealthy, so-in-love feelings that were there before. I still couldn't say how I would feel if I were to run into him today. I always... think about what would happen if I did. Would I cry? Smile? Speak to him? Pretend as if he wasn't there? I don't know. I'd still be sad... but it wouldn't be for the lack of apologies, for what he did, for the end of that long, painful, beautiful relationship. I would never want to be with him again - it's not that kind of love that I have anymore. It's a simple fact. You can't easily forget the ones you love, right? Haha, at least I hope so. I'm okay with things being different. I'm much happier with who I am, and my situation. I'll always love that boy, and think of him. Sometimes fondly, sometimes not. Memories have that kind of strange tendency. I'm happy I won't forget. There are lessons to be taken and learned from every love in ones life, I hope. The greatest sin would have been to have not learned anything at all... I asked my dad if he ever thought of mom still. The divorce started when I was eleven, ended when I was seventeen. It's been three years since... and I was happy to hear him say no. Because watching him be so sad, that was too much for me. I wish, then, I had been stronger to help him through it. He must have been lonely... and I only wish there had been someone there for him, in a way that my brother and I couldn't be there for him as children. I want him to be happy, more than my own happiness... is that love?

But yes! It's summer! The time of class, of work, and of... well, extra lessons. Haha, I want to work hard, to make the money needed to travel, travel, travel. I'm so excited for the exchange. I want to see so many places. Today was mother's day, and we took out my grandmother out for lunch, along with my aunts. We ran into her friend from church, CK, who I last met at the last two funerals I attended. Sigh. Not a nice place to meet, but I digress. He sat with us while he waited in the (ridiculously) busy restaurant for his friends to arrive, and it seems he has family in Hong Kong to introduce me to. I hope they'll show me around! His niece is only a year older than me, while his nephew is a year younger. It will be good to have someone there that I could hopefully rely on if I were lost, or needed some help. I look forward to it! I also was surprised by a trip to the movies with my dad. We saw Star Trek - pretty amazing, if you ask me. It was really well done. I was excited through a lot of it, since I could vaguely remember some of the Star Trek episodes from my childhood. There were so many people in the theatre for a Sunday for this movie, the line snaked outside of the building, and around two corners of it. Some people near us were smoking unfortunately, and I got a horrible sore throat from it. Looking back, I don't know how in the WORLD I ever used to have that habit - it completely chokes me up because of my asthma. Ah... chalk it up to youthful indiscretion? But I'm happy I saw the movie. My dad liked it as well, which is great since he remembers watching it all. The hype was worth it! I'm hoping that means JJ Abrams is considering a sequel. I would definitely go for that, haha!

Sigh, and tomorrow is Monday! Or rather, is it today? I have to stop staying up this late. That means work... and I have my first Aikido class. I'm pretty excited for that! I've never done martial arts before. I'm going to have to work on, and finish, my report for my Presentations class as well, since that's due Tuesday for me. I'm going to have to also work on my student visa application, on making an appointment for all my vaccinations, and also, will have to make a lunch for tomorrow. Aiiiiiii... I'm tired thinking of it all already. I'm thinking that maybe now would be a good time to sleep. So, I leave it at that, goodnight!