SO YOU CAN GO TO SLEEP

It's been a while! But it takes a while to get things on track sometimes, I find. I moved to Toronto! It's really nice to be home, to be back. Things are good! I now see people I haven't in a while, and the change of environment is heartening. I've been speaking to people I've lost touch with, applying for jobs, and really just... loving it. I've recently begun reading Out by Natsuo Kirino, and I really loved it! It's pretty gritty and unapologetic... I'm thinking I might pick up a few more of her books. I saw Scott Pilgrim vs The World last night and it was a really cute homage to Toronto. It's nice to know I'm getting a lot of opportunity now to catch up with V now that I'm back. Wish me luck! Time to plunge back into life!

HELLO AND GOODNIGHT

Cruising down the highway, smoothly switching lanes as the hip-hop I pour through headphones bumps along, I can't help but think, I'm so god damn lucky to be alive. With music I have everything I need. I look to the future, one in which I am a midnight road warrior and my speakers radiate pure sound. Where humanity may fail me, music never will. Let it be known, world, I'll take all you throw at me so long as you don't degrade my love, my life, my essence... my music.

DEDICATED TO FOREVER HUSTLE

Oh my goodness, it's another week in the life. I wonder what's pushing me, but I realize I'm zombie-ing. Should I be okay or frightened by this? Who knows, who knows. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and moving onwards, ever onwards. Let's see what's up, baby.

LET ME REENACT
I'm edgy. And I don't really know how to act. But it feels like I'm off on some drum-line, recreating what is right within the lines of this pencil sketch drawing. I feel like I should be far more impressive then I am, and it makes me look forward into ways I can accomplish said goal. I joined the gym with S today, and I'll be going after work. Goal A. Get to a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to the bank to settle some bills. Goal B. Get life paid off. My SIN card arrives in the mail, under my new name, and I'm thinking, wonderful. Goal C. Call up OSAP and start to pay your debt off. Now I just have to get ahold of Apple so I can get onto Goal D: getting my laptop properly fixed. Who knows? Maybe today when I call I'll get someone to act and get it replaced already. Bloody customer service.

THE FEELING OF NOT FEELING YOUR HEART BEAT
Strange is in the cards, and I'm thinking, I should call my mother. Why? I see the news of fire, of chaos, of bloody reins coming down in Toronto, and I worry for her. Is she alright, are things okay? I wonder about the nature of our relationship, and why, of all times, when my child support is no longer an issue for her, that she chooses to ask me to move in with her. It seems a big decision, and so unlike her. I thought we didn't get along? As people rather then a functional family - in that respect, she has failed long ago. I'm curious to see where this goes... and with so many luring me to the city I was born in, I wonder if there's a point to staying in Ottawa beyond family. And friends. I just... can't stand being here anymore. Maybe this is a good change.

JUST LIKE A HEART ATTACK
I wait for justice, and justice does not come. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm losing my touch on things, and I'm no longer sharp. I read what I write and I'm no longer impressed. I think I need to find a good book, settle in a coffee shop with my iPod, and let myself get intimate with my literary side. I'm missing when time was infinite, and the skies were blue. It rains, always rains here. I look at puddles on the ground and wonder if I ever left Washington. But I have a feeling if I were there I wouldn't feel so listless... but I would feel more hopeless in a place where work is impossible, and a Work Visa is more so. I laugh... because California was once the dream of so many, and mine, but now it's impossibly far. S, I'm sorry you cried last night. But I do think about you. Every day. And J, though you're mind isn't around when you're tired, I'm always ridiculously happy when you're there, even when you're mad. I need to call V and see where he's going, because I want to go to Mexico with him and escape. Escape. But find myself.

CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE
Loving it, loving it... something about Mellow's voice just sends shivers down my spine.

FREESTYLE

You know, sometimes I'm left wondering... what am I doing?

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

You know it's funny, I don't think I was supposed to see what I did. I think I wouldn't have if she hadn't drawn attention to something smaller. I wonder if she knows? But I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wonder if I should even. I mean it's not a fight that hasn't been fought, it's not words that haven't been said, so why do I feel down and a bit pained nonetheless? I shouldn't. It's petty of me, but I just want to go and ask 'well what else do you want from me?' When does it become so one sided? Why am I even feeling like that? It's selfish of me. I mean apart of me really isn't surprised... and I hate that. And it's compounding beyond a single issue. I'm feeling rather ignored for someone else and it sort of feels like a slap in the face because I'm not being given any sort of explanation on it, but I know it's also not my place to say anything either. Yet... I know the same courtesy isn't extended my way. But just because of that, I know I shouldn't be... upset. I just... don't know. I really know. Instantly, my mood is spoiled beyond the simple boredom of the night, and I'm kind of left like... unsure. Of what to do, what to say. And it's quite an unthrilling experience.

What kind of bites too is that it's sort of clear that I'm not happy. And she doesn't really do much to pursue it. The child and the adult in me are warring, because I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't start questioning why, why I'm upset. I shouldn't be upset that she's having lively conversation with someone else. I understand that adults sometimes need space in order to cool down, and re-evaluate positions, and life, and self. But the child in me doesn't want to understand, and angrily wants more, attention, something. I wonder how long this is going to last. I wonder if it'll get brought up. Night two down of this, and I guess only extended time will tell.

LET THE SPEAKERS DRIP

I just had the most emotional two-punch of a shuffle play on iTunes... Feather by Nujabes, followed by Sad Movie by Minos and Soulman. Guh... if my heart wasn't aching enough before, it certainly is now. I like the way music makes me feel, even if it isn't always warm. I'm wondering when I'll meet someone that I'm in love with who I can talk to about that. The little kicks and snares in a song that just capture you, those lyrics that just move you, those little hitches in a voice that disturb you. I listen to the chatter in the background of some of the songs, and I just feel like I can RELATE to these people. Their passion, their love, their need. I'm left wondering why I don't know more people like this beyond J and S. On that note, S seems to have disappeared... I leave her notes on her Facebook, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm a little worried... I wonder if she's gotten herself off on the lithium she's taking now. I'm guilty of not going after her harder. I think maybe Toronto really is a good idea for a little while at least. V... you know how I feel right now, don't you? It's scary out there, and I'm being swallowed up. You came back with me. You know it. The fear that we've peaked, and will no longer be 'fantastic'. I feel like a coward.

FIST IN THE AIR FOR INDEPENDENT MUSIC

I wonder when I stopped being observant. God... S tells me today about the depression, and I should have seen it. I mean I knew something was wrong, but now it's like... when did I lose it? What happened to me? When did I become 'that friend' who ignored all the warning signs, and allowed that friend to slip through the cracks without reaching out? I'm so disappointed in myself it's unreal. I became the bad friend. I became the thing I loathe most.... and I don't really know how to make it better. I'm sorry, S, I know you'll read this and tell me it's okay, but I know in a deeply fundamental way, it's not, and I did something very wrong by not catching it sooner and calling you to come over. Instead I handled it poorly, on msn, with badly aimed words and a brush off that was cold, too cold. I should have been better, because you deserve that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll be better. If the medication isn't working, homie, I'm here because you don't have to feel like you're lonely. Your friends love you. I know it's not the affectionate love you're craving, and I know you know and feel like it's an unreasonable loneliness, but it's there, and it's real, and if you're feeling it, I'll step up and be there. I fucked up. I won't do it again.

REACH NEW HEIGHTS WHILE WE PASS THE TREES

Work is getting super intensive. I'm about to face 3 straight weeks of short-staffing situations, where I'm bound to make some good money, and run to exhaustion. I doubt there will be much understanding, comprehension, or kindness involving this and the people I know, but that's to be expected. I'm not even mad, I just accept it, laugh it off, and go go go! I'm just hoping I don't get super sick at the end of this. I have to see T, C, S, R, S, B and K sometimes next week. One a day? Time to be super powered! Hopefully I'll have a legitimate schedule pinned down starting tomorrow. M is being a total spazz and making it impossible to do much planning because she hasn't given her other work schedule over to us so we can make the fixed schedule. C is getting PISSED because I never seem to have a day to give him. Legitimately... miss that kid. He's got a way of cheering me up like no other. What is with all my bitchassness anyways? I need to snap out of it. Tomorrow I'll find something to make me smile smile smile and be normal. Maybe I'll ask if I can have ice cream on the way home? I don't know how you can feel sad when you're licking coconut and pineapple sherbet from Baskin Robins.

WE DOING BIG THINGS

I wonder if I'm making more miscalculations of judgement then I'm admitting. The idea is frightening. I'm getting anxious - nervous - scared. I'm going to try to call V soon for an emotional consult. And S. J seems to be gone, gone, gone, and I don't know where he's gone. I can't help that these relationships are breaking because I'm not doing more. The idea makes me feel sick. I need to reverse this trend.

LET THE STREETS SING

So there's a new movie coming out in August. Looks absolutely amazing, and after three different trailers, and reading the whole comic book series, I'm so pumped for it. C-c-check it.

TODAY, OR NEVER

Today was one of those 'feel good' days. I got together with T after work, after getting so many of my documents updated. We went to have frozen yogurt, walked around the mall, and eventually settled on going for pho in Chinatown. It was pouring rain outside, and slightly chilly... I didn't bring an umbrella. I'm not thoughtful like that. But T is! He brought an extra large one and we managed to navigate the lonely night world with a high success rate. Not only that, but he bought me prescription circle lenses. I'm so happy! Pho tasted amazing... and secret exchanges of information were a necessity. Apparently, I am predictable. But I'm somewhat okay with this, because it's predictable in things that I'm content with, like, how I'd rather pursue a relationship then a fling, and how I'm happier with fewer relationships then a lot. I ended up having to get off the bus right into pouring pouring drench-you-through rain. It was kind of liberating. I walked through it, singing and kind of dancing, because nobody would see me and because I wanted to. Fun and spontaneous moments in life. What would we do without you?

I JUST WANNA LEAVE YOU

I kinda wish I was back in Blaine. Silly little town, with silly little people, and one special person. Funny, how all you need is that one person? Maybe that's how life is. It's kind of not fair. I miss Hong Kong for that exact reason, everyone was kept so closely together in those dorms, and god, it made life so simple. If I was lonely, I'd call up J and he and I'd be off for a walk in the park ten minutes later. I'd roll over and poke S and we'd have a talk about the nature of love. A would be there for laughs, and V would give me a call at 4 am just to say what's up. I miss it. I want it. I want J to be there for it. Home girl is strong, and I love her, but I'm scared that I found someone that I get long with so soul-consumingly, but she lives so far away. Makes me sad... Is it bad I kinda daydream off about what it would be like if I lived there? Work some finance job downtown, live in a charming apartment, with her, whoever else, grow plants on the balcony and walk everywhere. Haha. I'm crazy. Toronto's a quick approaching reality, and I'm not sure how braced I am for it.

I DON'T WANNA HOLD YOU

S is freaking out. I don't know what's up, but he's going crazy. Emotionally. I suspect. I wonder where he's at? S drops but in the morning, and she's brought be soup because I'm sick the other day, and we consult the boys from different perspectives. I don't know why she's still dating M. Sounds like he's getting increasingly bad, but the funny thing is, when I hear from S it sounds like really, S is the one not doing anything. I guess it all boils down to the way you look at it. I certainly don't miss that part of relationships. Fictitious works of gossip flying every which way. I don't know - at least she's in one, but I'd rather be single then with someone who makes me mad. But arguments are supposed to be a normal part of relationships. The shit we put ourselves through - the excuses made when you're in love. She leaves. M apparently only then reaches back out to S. Funny... he's so angry and worried. He won't tell me why. I'm worried.

MY SOUL IS CRYING

The next month is so busy. Everyone is on vacation, and I'm one of the few people left at work to fill hours. On the plus side, I'll make loads of money. Loads of it. Finally. On the bad side, I'll be so busy... which is annoying when I've managed to build up a site that's flourishing so well. I'm writing tons and tons and tons, and I'm happy, I really am, but god, I wish it wasn't so much work. I wish there wasn't such petty drama associated with it. I wanna pick up. I wish K would follow through and help start that business. He has someone to introduce me to, A, who wants to start import and export out of Korea. I'm game. I need something, anything, to feel more useful then I do now. Sigh... I'm no longer as angry about this as I was before. Perhaps I've fallen into a routine. I need to save myself.

SO SAD...

So really, this has to be one of my favourite MVs ever. It's by Epik High, featuring K.Will, and it's called Music is my Life. Not only is the song ridiculously amazing, there's something about just... the way it's shot, and how everything is put together that really makes me smile every time I see it. Sometimes it's about more then you think.

MY OH MY

In the end... money comes and goes. It's just money. Love life. Be happy. Smile. Laugh a little. Rediscover a friend. Lose another. Shed a tear for the words you couldn't say. Feel that regret. Move past it. Kiss the one you care about. Hold someone's hand. Stop hesitating - move forwards, always forwards.

YOU KNOW THAT I'M NO GOOD

I'm on my way to the airport - it's 5:30 am, and I can see dawn breaking over the Toronto skyline. It's beautiful in a way I don't know how to commit to words. I feel a little bit teary in the limo taxi my mother has ordered, my bare legs on smooth leather, all my bags beside me. It's a calm ride - I don't even pull out my iPod to listen to any music. I had a feeling I'd let those tears slip if I was. There's only so much I can handle in one go, emotionally. I just watch the cityscape run by. I love my hometown. Love it. There's a dirty and wonderful something to it that I think that people take for granted when they remain within the city. But for me, the girl that has both left, and returned, there's a tug at the heartstrings that remains unmistakeable. The flight itself is non-descript. I was cold for a lot of it - they now charge for blankets on Air Canada flights, and I think it's a shame. I couldn't sleep well last night out of excitement, so I slept then, catching precious few hours and waking up with a throat made scratchy by recycled air. Vancouver is flat... gray. I'm a little disappointed by this, because it's actually cold as well, making my hometown seem that much more elated in its predicted 38 degree hell that it plans to be today.

So here I am, on the bus while I wait to go across into the United States. I wonder what the boarder will be like. I've heard so many horror stories, but my previous experiences while on my way to New York were rather anti-climatic, and I pray for the same here. I think I like J's city because it's so... reminiscent of Canada, despite being in the States. The trees, unending stretches of it, remind me of those long drives to the cottage. One more hour! I can't wait.

SPIDERWEBS

It's 3:30 in the morning. I'm reading Bret Easton Ellis' The Informers and working out while listening to Epik High. 2 more days. And I'll be in Toronto, seeing my mother. I'll be in the salon, getting my nails done by Chinese women that I want to talk to but I don't know how to. It's more then language - I lack the ability to understand their suffering. I was born into a blank life of privilege and know nothing of real hardship. I am... listless. Still. I'm praying this trip cures me. Saves me. I want to feel loved by someone. Not anyone. Someone who understands me. I feel blessed because J is just that, even if it's not the romantic kind of love: but having someone understand me is relieving.

GOD BLESS THE SOUL

I talk today with J. It's a good conversation, it flows nicely, and we talk about a variety of things. I'm happy. I tell her some things I haven't told other people before. I'm left thinking: I'm jealous she has a mother that's been there for her. My own was absent from a lot of the major things in my life. My life lessons were taught by a string of unrelated friends and women in my life who passed on the awkward advice of their mothers. Some of the advice, I was too young to understand. Too young to implement. I wonder if I'm the sum of those parts. I wonder if I've failed as a woman, because I lack the understanding of the word 'mother', or at least the function of one. I wonder if I've missed out. And so I continue with my resolution to tell my father everyday that I love him - because he served as both when I needed it, and he's given me everything that she couldn't.

LET THIS COLD RAINSTORM RESURRECT THE SOUL

I read these books from Ellis, and I'm reminded how my own writing seems to emulate his style. I'm both deflated and elated, because I admire him a lot. He's one of those writers that shock you with his absolute defiance of convention, and his shallow mirroring of real life. He dreams. He lets you know that. I wish I could meet him... I'm very excited for his next book, the Imperial Bedrooms, which will be out in a month. It's the sequel to Less Than Zero, which I read one weekend at the cottage and cried to, because I felt it was both good and it left me feeling emotionally violated. I think that was a weekend in which I was having problems with P, because he left me alone for hours and hours, and reading was a nice way to cope. Emotionally unsteady. I think that's a good way to describe the 'me' from then.

DANCE WITH THE INFERNAL ONE

I talk to J and she tells me she thinks I'm a 'nice' person. I wonder if this is true. Or if it's the me that works in accordance to what I feel is a good thing to do, a good way to act. What is 'nice' really? Hah... Is it how we chose to be, or the things we chose to believe? I feel resentment. I'm selfish. I'm cold. I use people. But it's human. I'm human. I don't really believe in 'nice' and 'mean'. I think you should only live the way you feel you should live. Maybe I'm nice by her standards. Maybe by society's standards. But I don't do it for society really... I'm just... living. Be positive. Be happy. Make others happy. Send your love. Be loving. Be graceful. Make errors. Be messy. Be you... just... be you.

COLD BLUE LIPS CONFESSING TO ME

For all those in my life I love...

HUH (HIT YOUR HEART)

It's a good week to be alive!

Isn't it amazing how quickly time has moved on? It's only 3 sleeps until I'm in Toronto! Then another sleep from there until I'm in Blaine with my lovely J-baby! It's going to be an interesting time for sure, what, with the concert in Seattle on the 30th, and all the fun times between J's work and classes. Ahhh, how beautiful is it that I'm going to be there again? Fate, God's hand, whatever you want to call it. I'm going to have a blast, and of that, I'm certain.

BABY, YOU ARE KILLING ME

Mmmm, so Tuesday, I saw S. Boy's drowning in life, but keeping it together. We had a blast, just chilled back, had pho, and gossiped a shitload about the mutual friends we have. He's wonderfully acidic, and he's going to go far, that's for sure. Then we came here, and after some fumbling to get it to start, we watched Secret Dairy of a Call Girl - we even got through a season and a half in one night! Can't wait, when I get back, we'll be finishing it all. I'm so hyped for my next writing project, and this series is making it that much more worse, hahaha! Good research, I'll tell you that. Then Wednesday, I was with R, and we hung out, cooked at his apartment, and watched Modern Family. Then got ice cream from the store. God, I wish he didn't live so far, or we'd hang out more, but it's next to impossible when the kid's an hour and a half away in Nepean. Soooo jokes. But I love chilling with him, he's hella laid back. Sunday is S. She's going to come over for some fun in the sun and some movies, so that'll be enjoyable I'm sure. I'll make drinks, maybe we'll bake... you gotta balance life, you know?

I WANNA BE IN THE MAGAZINES

So projects! I've been asked to do a logo recently, and S from Cali's started a brand new marketing company that she wants me to help with. I've made a portfolio and sent it back to her to review, it's an exciting start to life. I can't wait, to be honest, it's a good start when other things haven't been going my way. The internship needs to find a home come my start into the real world. I'll be applying it up in my time in Bellingham while J works away, I'm sure. I'll be working hard! Fiiiighting~

I AM GONNA BE FAMOUS

Mmmm, I've been wondering of late the manner of life. I feel that the last 2 weeks were rather slow, but I blame my own lethargy that I've been suffering since the end of school. Why? I often sleep, and for far too long. I can no longer sleep at a normal time when getting to bed. I fear that I've ruined my sleeping habits, but I'm trying quite hard to shape them back into something resembling normalcy. All this over sleeping has left me feeling sleep hungover in the mornings... or the afternoons, rather. I'd like to piece myself into something more solid, and capable. I think it's affecting my cheerful outlook on life. 97% of life is about how you deal with things when they aren't going well. And now I need to get out of it. I think I can repair myself, hopefully, with this vacation.

KEEP IN MAH WAY

Have I mentioned how I'm in love with Cube Entertainment? Man oh man, I love 4 Minute and B2ST... and both are in the new MV they put out! So happy!

WELCOME TO THE SHOW

It's really been a bit of a whirlwind. Exams are over and I'm left able to relax for my whole weekend, since I'm home in Toronto for a bit. It's actually quite nice! I'm considering finding a summer job here, because it'd be all right for the first time in a while. I get along with my mom and her husband, the house is close to downtown, and frankly, there's more opportunity to work. Sigh. We'll see how things go, but so far it's very tempting. I think it helps that all I've done on arrival is get my nails done, and sleep, and watch crime dramas on loop. It's fantastic! I haven't been able to take a break like this in months, almost. Though I fear I'm overeating - my mom keeps endless snacks here and I've got to practice better self control.

THE Q IS BACK

So the plans for this week are quite nice. Toby's birthday dinner will be Monday, since Lee was utterly booked for Friday and Saturday. I'm excited, I love the food there, and I always feel a little star-stunned eating there. I'm hoping they have the same sticky rice and coconut milk dessert as there was last time! You couldn't imagine how hard it was to find that in Asia... but this will be nice to do, for him and only him, because hey, you only turn 20 once. I hope he enjoys it! I made the booking on my own, but hopefully it works.

MOVE TO THE RIGHT, STEP, AGAIN

I'm hoping to buy a few new books tomorrow! I miss reading, and now I've time to catch up. I'm thinking of the new Jeff Lindsey book, and see what else might catch my eye - it's time that I refresh my writing style a bit. Not that it's suffering too horrible, J got a sample of what I've been working on lately, and she said it was the best she'd read from me... which was really, honestly, nice to hear. I spent a lot of today hand coding a piece of an application for one of our websites and I was really really pleased with the outcome. I sourced some of it from a website, then coded the rest of it out, and I'm really happy with it! I'm learning a bit better on how to do things, which was a great realization because S is telling me that she's got some work for me to do in LA if I've got the time... which is all I have right now. Strides forward? I'm hoping so.

COME ON EVERYBODY

That restless feeling hasn't really left me. Admittedly, I feel a bit better on it all but generally, I feel quite stressed for some reason. I'm doing all I can to find some sense of purpose right now, and it's quite a... different place to be in. I don't know how to explain it, but C said it's the awkward hatching of student to adult. I'm sure I'll be fine, but at the moment I'm horrified, haha! I'll be seeing A on Monday, and hopefully she'll be sharing this with me so that we can be freaked out together.

LET THE MUSIC DIFFUSE ALL ATTENTION

Here's a look at one of the commercials I thought really hit it... amazing, Adidas, you really proved yourself.

SKIP TO THE MOON

I'm laughing. Last night was pretty nice, actually. After the night, after I'd long ago given up the theory contained in my textbooks and slide shows, I was Skyping until the disgusting hours of the morning with S. Girl really does got her head on straight, I promise you that. We're always laughing. Complaining about boys. Feeling a little bit broken. She's one of the rare few girls in which I truly get along with... but I think it's because she and I were both raised on a steady diet of boys, and their laid back attitude. We were looking for jobs and debating the meaning of growing up. About the things we have to give up in order to accomplish our dreams. Really, as I said to J a week ago, I think I'd honestly be happiest ifI were on a couch in some basement studio, listening to people create visionary hip-hop. I've seen the cheap B-movie version of it from the times I've flitted through Scarborough, with boys that front like they were men, but I'm looking for the realness that they lacked. One day, one day.

EXPOSE FOR THE MASSES

Around 11 pm last night, C tells me that she's heard a friend of hers has committed suicide. His last update on Facebook is the line from a movie, "I don't think I can make it to the party". It's both insipid and beautiful, splendid in its selfish statement of intellectual superiority. They were close... had talked within the last 2 days, no less. I'm praying for her, in the limited way I know how. I know it's a horrible blow, and it feels so far away from me... maybe that's callus of me. I haven't had someone close to me die in quite a while. The last one was for my great grandmother, 98, memory lost to too many sad sights and happy births. It lead to so many things, that funeral. I think you can really only take what life you can from the deaths of others...

24 KG LASERS

DEFINITELY was super lame today and decided to apologize to J in the form of a playlist. I don't know, I find something deeply lovely in that. Like a quote I'm fully stealing from Audible Mainframe's song, Redwine & Xanex, if only I could say the words that I played for you in that last song. I'm a pretty articulate individual, but sometimes it's hard when you know the reason why you're not talking now is no longer you, or them, but rather the nature of the other human being. What to do? I'm fine with it. Understanding is more then half the battle. And at this point, I know how J can be. I'm not made angry or hurt by it... it's just how she is sometimes. I hope she likes it though! It took forever to upload the songs onto a host so that they could be sorted into Mixpod. Bloody thing has such a limited music database. I enjoyed it none-the-less, and it was a welcome distraction from my textbooks. Finished the last of chapter 7 slides for accounting and I've read chapter 6 of fixed income, and 7 and 10 are to follow! Then I'll settle with watching the movie I didn't get to watch last night. Sigh. Nice night planned!

GRASP ON THE HEELS OF APOLLO

So I got sick after all. Staying up late does that to a person. I've spent the day sleeping and made some homemade chicken soup, which I found particularly comforting. I have a feeling that will be the staple of my diet while living away, because I find it the food that best puts me at ease. Plus it's pretty easy to make! Really, you just need ginger, a whole chicken, rice, and pepper. So simple, but so good. And pretty healthy too! I'm working out a bit today and tonight again, trying to remind my body of activity. Going to look into signing up at the gym once exams are done. Must get back in shape, must get back in shape...

GIVE ME SOME LOVE AND THEN I GLOW

The movie was incredible. I haven't seen something that good in so long. Truly a fantastic film, and I cannot believe that it wasn't released commercially. Well I can, and I can't, because it's a very artistic film, and not exactly a popular one. I saw acting talent, however, in a lot of actors and actresses that I thought didn't have any of it. Very impressed. It was all poetry and vision, and I wish I had the time to watch more movies like this. It reminds me of when I used to dedicate my time to a boy, him and I, and we would sit on this couch and watch endless movies, only interrupted by personal needs. Beautiful... I'm so impressed.

I'M ON THE GRIND

Boys are crazy! I wonder why they think I want to hear things about how they're still into their exs. Now I wonder if I was like that in the post-P period. I think it's silly. These are private things that are better discussed in person rather then msn... I have a feeling the date we're going to have is going to be horrid.

WE ABOUT TO GO LIVE

Still can't let go of this song... it's a huge reason why CYNE definitely is the top favourite amongst the underground hip-hop scene. Last time they toured was over a year ago... I'm honestly crossing my fingers that they play a show soon. I will so drop everything to fly down to see them. Being able to see this kind of creativity up close and personal would be soul-completing.

MISS. UNDERSTAND

Long day... long long day. Wake up in the morning, and I've begun to feel as if already, things are at a standstill, that sense in which things have become routine, and in this, I am made extremely unhappy with this. Why? Because I don't like feeling as if I've become rooted down. I want to be made uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. There's so much I want to do... that I want to accomplish, and I feel as if it's not possible here. The present of this place seems to drag you down, and I doubt my happiness here. Not that I'm sad, or down, or depressed. Just contemplative of my future. I am graduating, after all. The adult world awaits: and the prospect of it is both frightening and exciting. I hope Stephanie follows through. It'd be nice to have a friend in Shanghai with me. The idea of having nobody that I know while I'm there... scares me. Secretly. A lot.

BECAUSE OF OUR AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP

I fought with J last night. Why? She's seeming distant, and it upsets me a little. Why? Well... I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm being bitter with her because I'm resentful that she isn't posting, and it's like, well damn girl, didn't you bust up on my ass to post ASAP, then said "I hope you won't try to get back at me for not posting in a while by taking a week"? Then have proceeded to write nothing in a week? Sigh. I mean, I get it. School, life, whatever. But it's so disparaging to hear that she's going to work on it and then nothing at all gets done. So last night I might have crossed the line because she was being so quiet with me, but at the same time, I felt like something had to be said about it. I chose my words poorly though. Sometimes, you misfire. And I didn't provide the quiet kill, no, I made it messy, and now I'm left thinking she's made embittered by my comment and will ignore me for a while. But as I said in my conversation with L on the matter, sometimes that's how things go. That, too, is life.

LIPS CLOSED TIGHTLY

I don't understand my father. Why he has to be so utterly disparaging about my internship opportunity. He tells me, "Why can't you just work with an organization in Ottawa, why can't you just stay with one that will give you travelling opportunities?". I come to him earlier today with news that my friend C got a job with Export Development Canada. I'm really happy for him. My father only looks at me saying "Well he'll be making more for you, and will have a chance to travel" and he proceeds to say that I'll be paid shit, and treated just the same while on my internship. And it's like... he hasn't listened to anything I plan to learn from this. I want to go forward, I want to know that I'll have the opportunity, and I need to do it while I'm young enough to be adventurous and fearless. I don't want to find a job here and just... settle. The nightmare of it consumes me. I don't think he understands how hurtful his comments are, and how they only serve to push me further away.

SHATTERED THE BITTERSWEET DREAM

Listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. Miss that feel, to be honest. There's something about those underground artists that sample the classics, jazz, soul, and I'm left a little breathless by the poetry and soliloquy presented to me. I feel so inferior in comparison in terms of skill. I often quote the lyrics when I write, because I feel their turn of phrases unloved, and I want to put it into some arena where at least someone will read them. Who knows if they are? It's more for me then anything. That's selfish but... that's why I write. Though I'm scared I'm losing my flair for it. C's up and writing again. She's so... fantastic. I don't think she understands the depth of it. Talking to her again makes me feel like the adult that I always pretend that I am. Actually feel it. She's an adult in a sense that always left me envious. I could never believe she was only a year older then me. Last night was interesting, we had a very in depth conversation, some exerts being:

C : the trick is not to overthink it

C : or let the fear carve out a permanent place

Z : i refuse to let it

Z : so even if i feel i'm not ready, i plan to approach my career the same way i appraoched losing my virginity - with a brave face, faking as if i know what to do until it feels right

C : hahahaha!

C : that is how life should be handled i feel

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY

I'm feeling a little ill. Stood outside in the cold for quite a long time today. I ate well - eggs (breakfast and dinner), an apple, banana, a little lean cuisine frozen lunch, and shrimp with soy sauce. I'm going to curl up and watch New York, I Love You in the early hours of my morning, after a nap and an injection of caffeine to help nurse me through the midnight hours so that I can study a little longer, push myself a little further. I'll work out a bit, make some tea, and keep going. Exams start next Thursday... I don't want to write them. I'm feeling quite broke, but I'll keep moving, and keep working. Hopefully my schedule will change for the better for work once exams are over. I'll be crossing my fingers. I leave off with a song I found from DJ Shinin' Stone, with Maslo and Keyreal. Love it!

UMBRELLA

Oh, there was something beautiful found in the darkness of the world we created. One of blankets and soft sighs. The way your hands would smooth over bare skin and along my cheek. Something magical in how you would slide between the sheets in the morning, a soft and mumbled hello, a kiss to my temple as you drifted into sleep beside me. Limbs tangled, reverie found, and we would abandon consciousness in the early hours of the morning, letting the sun and its followers live a life in the outside world: we would just maintain our handfuls of peace. Despite all you've done, those moments remain with me still, and I'll always smile.

I miss those snapshots of the life I once had.

But I do not miss the man.

I wonder if this is what they call 'growing up'?

DAYUM, GIRL

So it seems as if I haven't updated in forever... and it just got pointed out to me.

Not really because of any reason: Life simply got busy. Then blogging fell onto the back burner as life moved forwards. Things have really been wonderful and exciting for me on many different levels, and I really couldn't describe it all. Nor do I really want to... haha, look to the future, after all! But it's a good exercise of soul simply to write a little more then my usual ridiculous amounts of fiction that I manage to put out on the weekly (all thanks to my lovely J, whom I cannot wait to see again!). Writing about the angst and tragic loves of others if fun, when you feel your own life is a little mundane. But I have a feeling my summer will be an exciting one.

As usual, boys seem to flit back into my life, both of the friendship and romantic variety. It's cool, I guess, but ill-timed. I just found out that I've been accepted on internship with AIESEC. I'm absolutely excited beyond belief. I've been assured that it will be quite easy to be placed in China, and of course I'm gunning for Shanghai. I'm graduating this semester... and I think that scary step will be blunted by the move to a new country. I'm also hoping to be posted for a year. Learn Mandarin. See the world. Find myself. It'll be fantastic, and I need to shake the sense of apathy that's gripped me since my return to Canada. I'm planning after that to apply for a year in Seoul. Learn Korean. Live with J for a bit, since she's on her way to transferring schools there. I mean... life seems so in place right now. I know plans change, don't work out, etc. But I want to be flexible, and think there's something to look forwards to. No harm, right?

Music scene is poppin' right now. I'm tripping on that harmony reminiscent, and J and I are plowing through massive amounts of underground k-rap and k-conscious to discover some fantastic finds. Right now, I'm really feeling CSP and Maslo. Blame her. They're fantastic, and Maslo is exactly my kind of style of music. Oh my god... the samples he's throwing into his tracks have me literally SHIVERING at times. And it just reminds me again how much, once upon a time, all I wanted to do was get into music. Dreams, gone. But it's alright. I'm happy with how things are at present, and hey, who knows what will happen later in life? Hahaha, from checking over blogs now, I see that S is really feeling Epik High, and if you're reading this, I knew you'd catch onto Over. Theme song to our lives, man, theme song to our lives. That album really committed murder on my soul... hahaha, crying over Skype with J as we listened to it song by song together. Those are the moments that help define, I think.

On the subject of music, am I the only one disappointed by the new Hyori MV? I mean... I really liked the concept photos that were coming out from her, even if they were too Lady Gaga-esque. Then she came out with that one with the chains, and I was thinking 'YES, Hyori's going back to the hip-hop phase' and she just... flailed. I don't know. I need to give H-Logic a good listen to first because I managed to find the leaked album before I give it my final judgment, but maybe I was just hoping for a continuation of what she started with It's Hyorish. U-Go-Girl and Hey, Mr Big were beastly, and I loved the look she had there. We'll see... as always, I wish her success though! The woman deserves it.

I guess I'll try to update a bit on how things have been in the past... 6 months. So much to cover! But hey, life ain't nothin' but time. Shout outs to T, because I miss you, and I'm praying that you're safe in Thailand right now. The mother in me is screaming, please, don't go out at night. And that I love you, and I can't wait to see you again.

SHOPAHOLIC

I'm so happy! Thailand was an amazing time. I had so much fun, and I'm happy to have spent so much time with everyone. Getting home was amazing though, I won't lie to you! It felt good to sleep in my own bed after being in all those hotels and guest houses. I think my favourite part was seeing C. I missed him so much, and it was nice, he held me in the cab when it was finally time to go back to the hotel around 3 am. Just like at home, you know? It made me a little homesick. But I talked to my brother today, and it was good, he managed to remind my dad to get in touch with me, haha!

I've also had my first midterm. I was sadddddened by how piss easy it was. But then I got my first quiz back and I did miserably! So it's back to the books for me, sigh, I can't be messing around forever. But it's hard when there's so much to do around you! I'm off to South Korea this weekend, and while I couldn't score tickets, I'm hoping to get some at the venue from people who need money. God I hope I can!? I'll be upset if I can't go but... you know what, it happens. Haha, no use being bitter, right? If it's going to happen, it will, and if it isn't, then there's no use crying over it.

I wonder when did people get so weird about being in love? So many adult factors seem to play into things in modern relationships. But isn't how you feel about the other person the most important thing? More then what they do or don't do, more then what they say or don't say... because no matter what's going on, you're the final decider. So why do we all let little things like that come in the way of things? Sigh. I don't know anymore. I'm a bit sick of it all to be honest.

South Korea though! I'm super pumped. I can't wait to go shopping! 2 more days!

[e]MOTIONAL

I thought about it, and I kind of take this blog too seriously. It's not a fun thing to write, but more kind of like... for when I'm upset. Which is kind of silly, don't you think? Time to change it up!

I'm really excited about tomorrow. I'm going to Thailand! I'm looking forward to seeing C, and also shopping (of course) and this whole tour thing that we'll be going on. We'll be riding elephants and doing it up in hot tubs! WIN! I can't wait! It looks like it's going to be an amazing time.

Speaking of amazing times, jesus eff, I went to see Super Junior in concert! It was pretty thrilling, my friend L and I were right up by the stage, got shot by waterguns by the boys, and I got blown a kiss by Sungmin! Oh, and I randomly got interviewed by 2 television stations! I think the nicest point of the night was when L commented that I should have been on stage over this Korean girl, dancing with Ryeowook during his Insomnia song (damn you, why didn't you sing Wheesung's version!!!). I've never been terribly confident in how I dance so it felt nice! I love you L!

Yesterday the Girlmance got together to participate in Hall 7's cookoff. It was a lot of fun! Highlights included cooking with everyone, giggling and calling C our 'bitch', watching and eating A's rice crispy squares (haven't had them homemade since I was 6!), and this little chinese girl telling us that she tried pancakes for the first time through us. So cute!

Also booked my tickets to Singapore and Malaysia. Feeling very excited about this! I can't wait to see the house my dad was born in... I think I'll walk away a little changed. This exchange is doing a lot of things for me, all of them positive. I'm so happy about all of this.

HEARTBREAKER

I'm here now. On my exchange! It's been a few weeks, and I love this place. It's beautiful. It's hot. It's sticky, it's dirty, it's wonderful. I'm so happy I've taken this chance because I really feel that this will help define me for years to come. I'm so... pleased! School's started, but I have so much of this place to explore. For example, I will be visiting the giant Buddha with one of my lovely roommates soon. Go climb and discover beaches. I've bought tickets to concerts, and have dined in back alley restaurants that have blown my mind. Everything is cheap, and everyone is happy. The money... none of it seems to matter. I'm so happy. Really, truly. I want to become the best version of myself, and here is a place to help define that.

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

A lot of great music has come out lately! G-Dragon's solo album, and the Big Bang Japanese album both were great, though I would have expected a little more. I find so many people here willing to listen to Korean music, so I'm pretty pleased. In fact, I've started a Korean drama club, where we get together after classes to watch Korean television shows in our common room. They're pretty hilarious... we're currently working through Partner, and then we've Boys Over Flowers, Full House, and Coffee Prince to kill off. It's going to be fun! And it's a great way to make friends? I find it really easy here. Like the mainland boys, they're so helpful and friendly in my dorm. I met most of them through my roommate S, who is an absolute doll. I'll be visiting her in South California now on my Reading Break because she swears I'll love it. I know I will - she's from there! My other roommate, A, is from my hometown. She's so proper, and sweet... hahaha, and all of us take turns playing the responsible one. It's the official Girlmance to define our exchange!!!

COCO BEFORE CHANEL

I honestly don't know why, but the trailer for this movie makes me tear up each and every time. I can't wait for it to come out... it looks fantastic, lovely, and just... it tugs at me. It seems special... and on the subject of movies, I recently saw Inglorious Basterds, which was amazing! Tarantino really knows how to put together a fantastic film - and it had all of his trademarks, including clever dialogue, and random bouts of violence. I didn't see the Apple cigarettes, but he did manage to work in his foot fetish which made me giggle. Can't wait for his next film! Please, jesus, let it be Sin City!

WE GETTIN DOWN IN THE CLUB

The nightlife here is indescribable. I swear to you, I get so sick when drinking because it's free. Always free. To get in, to drink, everything. How will I ever go back home? It seems so primitive now! I'm going to have to make the move here for work because I know myself, and I will never be satisfied now that I've had a taste of something better. Each night seems to overshadow the last.... be it going to a club, going for dinner, or just hanging out in the dorm room. It's really difficult to believe it's only been a week since I've arrived, because it feels like forever. And I'm still flying on that honeymoon high. I don't miss anyone yet... but it will come. But for now, I shall enjoy.

UNTOUCHABLE... UNSTOPPABLE...

What a day. Justtt... what a long day. I'm currently done at work, and have three days left of just... nothingness. I feel so unproductive it's killing me. I usually spend down time whipping through stuff on my laptop, fixing things, you know, I just like being busy! So having to sit here... with nothing on my plate? I want to shoot myself. I've been spending my time on the bus to work, and home, reorganizing and re-classifying all of my music on my iTunes. Trust me, it's a heavy task! I know for sure, coming up, I'm going to profile the underground Korean hip-hop movement, because there is some stuff I've been listening to that just really blows my mind. I'm serious. Where did you come from? It's just beautiful. Gah, which reminds me, the new G-Dragon solo album comes out on August 18th!!! I'm so excited, it's unreal. It's going to be so good, you'll all see! The 35 second preview clip on YouTube as me, J and R going insane over the beat... while I can't understand the words, R told me that one line translates to 'my philosophy is the smoke that fills this room', which absolutely gets me going. That's heavy words, you know? I miss you, lyracism, and the relationship we used to have. Sigh.

It makes me what to learn Korean, but I know that Mandorin Chinese is going to be hard enough as is. But I have my whole life to learn. A lot of the sounds are similar to Japanese, which I can speak some basics of, so I'm hoping the more time I spend abroad, the more opportunities I'll have to learn. I want to... like I said in the post before, I really want to have a taste of being able to speak more languages. I want my children to be raised speaking Mandorin, English, and whatever native tongue my husband is. It's a beautiful thing... and I wish my dad had taught me when my brother and I were kids. At least knowing Fuchow would be better then just English. Sigh. What a waste! Ahh, and I think I made a huge mistake, I went out and bought the Sims 3. I'm going to be addicted... but so far, installing it hasn't worked, since I got the UNLOADED version back in May, and it refuses now to accept my legit copy. I'll call EA and try to figure it out because I can't wait to get started on it all. Anyways... it's back to the grind for me. One love!

STREET DREAM

No matter how often or little this question is posed, everyone has thought of an answer. What would you do with three wishes? I remember having an intense conversation with C over this once, high as fuck in a forest, leaning against a wooden bridge, in the dead middle of winter. The answers I gave then were completely random, because the first and second wishes were easy to come to me, you know? Snap, snap. But the last one... we both struggled there. It's like you hit a mind block after getting all the material things you've wanted all your life. What then? Material happiness only brings you so far. Is that why there are 3 wishes, over simply one or two? I'm not quite sure... but I've given it some thought. Who knows, maybe these answers match your own in some respect. But the point of this is to put down what I want, and how I'm going to achieve these myself. After all... genies don't really exist.

WISH NUMBER ONE

This was always the easiest wish for me. I want to be perfect, mind and body. I'm talking about that perfect mix of sexy and cute, able to speak any language I want, perfect grades, witty and clever, effortless charm kind of perfection. Why? Because it's something I've always struggled with. It'd be nice not to have to work so hard for it, you know? I think it's something everyone works for, and very few achieve. I want it... but it always seems out of reach despite my efforts. Only, I know secretly my efforts aren't really efforts, and that I give up far too easily over the flimsiest of excuses. I'm trying to learn Chinese. I need to set a goal. I'll be doing classes in Hong Kong, but what I really need to do is make sure I continue learning. Maybe a class in the summer, while also taking up language classes on weekends? I like being busy. That'll help. As for charming, I know I am, I've been told many times, it's just about making sure I moderate it, and speak about appropriate things. I think back, sometimes, on the stuff I used to just spurt and it makes me cringe. Was I really so air-headed? I guess it's all apart of growing up. Grades are something I'm working on. I do better when studying in groups. I do better when under pressure. The more I do, the more pressure there is, so I think I really got to put myself through the ropes to get the best results from myself. Working... school... language training... the gym... I think that's enough to keep me a bit full up, don't you? Speaking of the gym, I go 4-5 times a week now, and if I keep it up, I'll look the way I want to. It's all about diet and exercise, and if I really put my mind to it, I can do it!!! I'm still gunning to weigh 115 pounds, in the ideal, because I'm only 5'2, and honestly, that's what I should be weighing. If there's anything else I'm lacking... there's always surgery right? I'm not one of those people who freak out over things like that. I'm pretty now, but hey, sometimes money really can buy that extra 'oomph'. Plus, I know when I lose the weight, I'm going to loose my babies (ie - breasts), so something has to be done at some point. Being witty and clever comes with experience, and this trip to Hong Kong will hopefully give me the kind of perspective I need to be exactly that. It takes time... and that's where I get impatient. But it's happening. I only have myself to blame if it doesn't.

WISH NUMBER TWO

Of course, I think everyone wants to be absurdly rich. It's just a fact of life, I think. But how do you get there? Lots of hard work. My grades aren't that great. I'll be the first to admit. Part of the reason why I want to do another year is so that I can help to pull all of that up. I'm crossing my fingers... praying, really... because I think law school at the University of Toronto really is my ticket into getting all that I ever wanted. I'm fascinated by business law. I have the lack of morals that would hold me back. I'm great with talking to people, and pretending like I know what the hell I'm doing. I think it's almost the perfect profession for me. But to get there, I need an 8.0 CGPA average (not done), as well as a bunch of student experience (check) and a placement amongst the top 88 percentile or better in the LSATs (must start studying for those). I can do it. I know I can. I'm smart, capable, and ready. But it's getting myself out of this laze that's the problem. Sigh. I think the best place to start is studying for the LSATs, since my grades when abroad don't count towards my CGPA. When I get back, study like a madman all semester for the 5 courses that I'm taking. Then do summer, fall, and winter courses, so that I can spread the remaining 8 (or 10) classes I have over a bigger breadth of time. Then I'll be able to really concentrate on what matters, really put the focus on where it needs to be. Nobody is going to just give me money. I'm going to have to claw that shit in, on my own, using my own ability. I'm not winning the lottery anytime soon, and I want to be able to let my dad live out his life without debt, or concern. And I will fucking make it happen.

WISH NUMBER THREE

This was always the hardest wish for me. I never really knew what to wish for, because the biggest concerns I had were taken care of. I don't know if it's fair to wish for love, but can I? I mean seriously. I'm so unlucky here. C once said he's number three wish was to be almost hypnotizing persuasive, but... I don't know. The challenge is gone there, you know? No, I want the kind of guy in my life to make me delirious with happiness. I want that I'm-so-sick kind of love. Where it hurts to be away from them. Because now that I'm older, and I've been with more people, I'm better able to deal with those kinds of feelings, and treat them like an adult instead of a love-sick teenager. I want that passion that goes with that first love, with the insight I've gained over the years. Hell, if this is a wish, I'll go all out: I want that perfect guy, probably South Korean, but since it's my damn wish, South Korean-Chinese-Caucasian, with the whole G-Dragon, Tablo and T.O.P. vibe to them. Gangster nerdy!!! Oh my god, that style, and that secret little touches to it will get me every time. I never knew T.O.P. was such a nerd, hahaha, until R sent me some stuff online of him showing off his room. So many toys! And he cuddles stuffed animals at night? Sigh. Actual love. Tablo just has this depth to him that I find awe-inspiring. Then G-Dragon has this attitude and style that can't be replicated. I think it's a combination of love that can't be beat! And.. .haha, that wish also comes with a clause that they love you as much as you love them. It's hard when affection goes unmatched, you know?

SIDENOTE - DON'T I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS?

Mad love. Seriously. I'm very blessed. T and I went out after I was done work a little while ago, and we had a blast. Walking around, gelatto, discovering new places, eating Subway on the roof of Rideau Mall while watching bunnies and feeding the seagulls. Amazing, for sure. And then breakfast a couple days later with everyone (minus PH. Damn you, child, where were you?) which was great, then I watched the others put together some kind of personal project movie. It's kind of cool to have something that you're that passionate about. I hope all goes well for them. I'll take a moment to give T some love, and say honestly, thanks for being there for me, good and bad, listening to all my problems, whining, and ranting. Thanks for keeping me from getting hit by cars when I wonder out into traffic, thanks for copping for me when I'm spent on cash, thanks for waiting around with me when I'm bored, thanks for bringing me buns from Chi-Town when I make irrational demands, and thanks for just being you. Sometimes I get this feeling that you're dissatisfied with who you are, and I want to tell you that you shouldn't You're a great guy. No matter how people get you down, you're always there for them anyways. So really, thank you. Now if we could only work on your timing!!!! Hahahaha, Vietnamese Time is never an excuse, haha! And there's some love to J as well. I talked to him today about how there was a guy at work sexually harassing me. I felt really hesitant about talking about it... I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But he was being very supportive about it. Told me that while he wouldn't tell me what to do, he would be would suggest I go talk to our HR person about it. I'm... kind of afraid. It's hard, when the person who's doing it is the head of one of the departments at my work. But I'm leaving after this week, and have nothing to lose. Maybe I was being a child about it. I shouldn't have put up with it as long as I did. But.. tomorrow, I'll make it all better.

DOWNHILL

I keep letting weeks go by without writing anything here. I feel a little guilty. It's not that I've been distracted, really. It's too bad, because all that energy keeps getting bottled up into negative things, mostly because I begin using that free time to become concerned about smaller things that really don't matter. I start getting emotional... irrational. So, it's time to set myself back into line, because really, there is nothing worse then an overly wrought woman, is there?

FAMILY REUNIONS MAKE THAT HISTORY

It was a busy weekend for sure. I had my family reunion on Sunday, where there were about 100 members of my extended family, all packed into the basement of this church along Merivale. It was actually kind of... nice. I don't get to see many members of my family that often, and so it was great to finally get to know some of my second cousins on a closer scale and basis. After all, in my immediate family, there's only myself, my brother, my dad, my two aunts, one cousin, and my grandmother. And I'm not even close with the cousin, and less so with her mother. It's such a shame, you know? We're the only family we've got, yet we fight. Regardless, there was none of that at the reunion, with everyone seeming to be genuinely happy to see one another. I'm proud of my dad for organizing the whole thing, it really was a success. The food was great, the family was wonderful, and a lot of new bonds were made. I tried durian, mangosteen and rambutan for the first time ever. Amazing fruit, that. I can't wait to have it fresh, and from the country itself! I can't even really imagine it. Everyone just talked, ate, and helped to clean up. Instead of asking for money for a venue, we used money collected to donate to the church itself. It was all really lovely. The older second cousins around my age were all really laid back and cool, and then the younger ones were just way too cute to be real. I can't wait to do it all again, that's for sure!

A VISIT FROM THE VILLAGE FAR FAR AWAY

Of course, this would also be the weekend my lovely little miss C came to town. Back from the little village of Lethbridge. C has always been the mommy. As in, she's the one to straight up down and cuss me out if I do something stupid. All for my own good, of course, even if I don't always see it that way at the time. I was happy to have her come, but she really did pick a garbage time (what, with my reunion, and L being caught up with exams, and just people being really busy in general) but she could only get a certain amount of time off of work. Same with me, really. It's funny... we're all getting older, and the responsibilities are piling on. This is just another example of that. Her visit was markedly uneventful, as opposed to the past, where it was always party-party, rah-rah. We watched movies... stared at the television... ate out... gossiped... shopped... and it was all cool, you know? And it was great, because it was her, and I've missed her because she really is one of those people who will do what she says, and gives it to you straight. I swear, there really aren't enough people in this world that are like that. Gah, especially this one girl right now, who is quite honestly cutting it close to getting cut by me, because I do not like it at all when people tell me that they're going to do something, and then don't. Or worse, do the stuff they were supposed to do for you for other people, and then don't even address it with you. Sigh. It's so high school, and it's bothering me. But I gotta say, having C around was great, even if it was around the same time that the other C was leaving (I'll miss you) for Thailand. I have to take a page from her book, calm myself, let this little dramatic issues just be whatever the fuck they are, and not involve myself. Useless people don't need to me in my life, I swear, so if you don't make the grade, you don't make it. Little R, I loved you for a while, but this affair is growing cold. You aren't a C, that's for sure, and ya of course that's fine, but only if you're still cool to be with... and since it isn't fun anymore, really, maybe it is time to part ways with R. Friends like C and other C are hard to come by, but that's no excuse to waste my time on frivolous friendships.

STRESS AND PAIN JUST TO ENTERTAIN

I don't know why I'm stressed. Or rather, I do, and it's silly. Class is over... my final went well, and the top 5 have made their mark. Work is winding down... my contract ends next Friday. I have so much free time it's unreal. And it's killing me. I'm used to being busy all the time, all the time, you know? So suddenly having nothing is really throwing me. Work is absolutely dull, home is boring, and I end up with all this time caring about stuff that doesn't matter. Which I hate because it's stupid, and really such a waste of emotional energy. I'm back at the gym, going Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. 45 minutes of cardio, 25 minutes of weight training, 5 minutes of stretching. More, if I can. My water intake is up, and I just finished a 7 day cleanse that I think totally ruined my digestion, but we'll have to see. I've been eating like garbage the last 2 weeks (exacerbated by C's visit, other C's departure, and the family reunion), but that's back on too, with a nice 1,100 calorie diet. I'm halfway through the count, and halfway through the day, so that's encouraging. Breakfasts are always Special K, and 1% milk. I like to vary up my lunches, but usually Lean Cuisine, or soup, or whatever. Dinners are Special K, with milk and more soup if I can or another Lean Cuisine. It's totally joyless. But in combination with the exercise, hopefully it works out to me losing the weekend weight I gained from all the overeating and eating out. Gah, I need to lose that last 15-20 pounds, it is possible, and I can do it! FIGHTING. Haha, at the least, the cleanse is done. I'll be going to the gym tonight, a good hour and a half. The lucky thing is that I really enjoy my time at the gym, I just tune out listening to music, and do my thing. Then after the gym tonight, it's back home for some serious Persona 4 time (I gotta finish!), and maybe an additional bike ride later if I can help it, though I suspect it will be late. We'll see, we'll see. But really, now, it's time to get serious and get in shape. I have to come back from HK looking ridiculously amazing, haha, that's my goal for sure.

WORK IT OUT, MAKE IT COUNT, DO IT UP

Work... is... totally... dragging. There's nothing to do. Really, absolutely nothing. I sleep here, I talk a lot, I send a million e-mails a day to S (LOVE YOU FOR KEEPING MY LIFE INTERESTING), and really do nothing else. It's like I just sit here... and the boredom is pure murder. I like to be busy. I like to do things. I couldn't ever work here full time. That said, I'm praying that they hire me back when I come back to Ottawa in January. The money is good, and it goes towards paying off my OSAP loan. It also helps me figure out if I can go back to Asia again, mostly because I want to go kick it there in the summer after classes end. I have 3 semesters to do 8 courses (plus 2 that I want to retake, so 10) so I'll be able to space liberally, and study for my LSATs like a beast. I might retake more classes, if possible... really, my CGPA is in the shit, and I have to do all I can to salvage it. Of the 10 courses required to get another option in finance, only 6 of them are finance related, because I've done the rest - and then 2 of those, I'll be doing in the winter semester. So 4... and then 4 adm related courses. I want to redo my intermediate accounting class, and my psychology class. I want to redo International Business too, if I can, god my mark was dreadful for a course I knew so much about. It's go time, and I have to do what I can to make myself marketable... though my mother's confusing me, telling me now that I don't need two undergraduates, and it's ridiculous that I'm doing another year (5 years) when most people around the globe do their degree in 3 years. I'm doing a double option! I could have graduated on time if I had figured this out sooner, but I didn't... now I need to use the time to have my grades claw their way upwards, and study, study, study like a demon for the LSATs. My placement could make up the difference... I'm smart, and capable, and I can do this. I'll talk with her more on the issue tomorrow - though isn't it funny I place so much weight in her opinion on education when she didn't do post-secondary schooling herself? Hmm...

MIND ON MY MONEY, MONEY ON MY MIND

Money is a huge issue right now. I need more of it. Seriously. Hong Kong is going to be expensive, and having my visa application denied hurt. I need it, I want it, I have to have it. It's freaking me out that the OSAP is already going to be released only in the middle of September, and that my dad is refusing to help when he just bought himself a really freaking unnecessarily expensive car is making me furious. Mum's giving me money, straight out, on top of the fees she's giving me already for the plane ticket and my housing, which is great of her. I don't know what to do, because I quite honestly need something done to get more cash into my accounts before I take off. At this rate, I'll have to do some under the table work in HK to make up the difference... sigh. Waitressing can't be that hard, can it? I'll work in the foreigners district or something. Yup. Or something.

HE'S JUST PLAYIN' THIS GIRL, AND SHE IS THINKIN' THE SAME

It's only 18 days until it's time to get out of here. I'm freaked out. I'm excited. I'm tasting heaven and dreading hell. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I don't know who I'll be at the end of it all. I just know it's happening, it's real, and I have to face it head on. It's time to become an adult... and honestly, I can't think of anything more frightening. I don't know if I'm ready for this, if it'll be easy, or hard. But we'll have to just wait and see... which is hard for someone so impatient like me! I'll get there, don't worry. The pace is faster then I would have expected, but God knows, I need this more then I need air.