HEARTBREAKER

I'm here now. On my exchange! It's been a few weeks, and I love this place. It's beautiful. It's hot. It's sticky, it's dirty, it's wonderful. I'm so happy I've taken this chance because I really feel that this will help define me for years to come. I'm so... pleased! School's started, but I have so much of this place to explore. For example, I will be visiting the giant Buddha with one of my lovely roommates soon. Go climb and discover beaches. I've bought tickets to concerts, and have dined in back alley restaurants that have blown my mind. Everything is cheap, and everyone is happy. The money... none of it seems to matter. I'm so happy. Really, truly. I want to become the best version of myself, and here is a place to help define that.

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

A lot of great music has come out lately! G-Dragon's solo album, and the Big Bang Japanese album both were great, though I would have expected a little more. I find so many people here willing to listen to Korean music, so I'm pretty pleased. In fact, I've started a Korean drama club, where we get together after classes to watch Korean television shows in our common room. They're pretty hilarious... we're currently working through Partner, and then we've Boys Over Flowers, Full House, and Coffee Prince to kill off. It's going to be fun! And it's a great way to make friends? I find it really easy here. Like the mainland boys, they're so helpful and friendly in my dorm. I met most of them through my roommate S, who is an absolute doll. I'll be visiting her in South California now on my Reading Break because she swears I'll love it. I know I will - she's from there! My other roommate, A, is from my hometown. She's so proper, and sweet... hahaha, and all of us take turns playing the responsible one. It's the official Girlmance to define our exchange!!!

COCO BEFORE CHANEL

I honestly don't know why, but the trailer for this movie makes me tear up each and every time. I can't wait for it to come out... it looks fantastic, lovely, and just... it tugs at me. It seems special... and on the subject of movies, I recently saw Inglorious Basterds, which was amazing! Tarantino really knows how to put together a fantastic film - and it had all of his trademarks, including clever dialogue, and random bouts of violence. I didn't see the Apple cigarettes, but he did manage to work in his foot fetish which made me giggle. Can't wait for his next film! Please, jesus, let it be Sin City!

WE GETTIN DOWN IN THE CLUB

The nightlife here is indescribable. I swear to you, I get so sick when drinking because it's free. Always free. To get in, to drink, everything. How will I ever go back home? It seems so primitive now! I'm going to have to make the move here for work because I know myself, and I will never be satisfied now that I've had a taste of something better. Each night seems to overshadow the last.... be it going to a club, going for dinner, or just hanging out in the dorm room. It's really difficult to believe it's only been a week since I've arrived, because it feels like forever. And I'm still flying on that honeymoon high. I don't miss anyone yet... but it will come. But for now, I shall enjoy.

UNTOUCHABLE... UNSTOPPABLE...

What a day. Justtt... what a long day. I'm currently done at work, and have three days left of just... nothingness. I feel so unproductive it's killing me. I usually spend down time whipping through stuff on my laptop, fixing things, you know, I just like being busy! So having to sit here... with nothing on my plate? I want to shoot myself. I've been spending my time on the bus to work, and home, reorganizing and re-classifying all of my music on my iTunes. Trust me, it's a heavy task! I know for sure, coming up, I'm going to profile the underground Korean hip-hop movement, because there is some stuff I've been listening to that just really blows my mind. I'm serious. Where did you come from? It's just beautiful. Gah, which reminds me, the new G-Dragon solo album comes out on August 18th!!! I'm so excited, it's unreal. It's going to be so good, you'll all see! The 35 second preview clip on YouTube as me, J and R going insane over the beat... while I can't understand the words, R told me that one line translates to 'my philosophy is the smoke that fills this room', which absolutely gets me going. That's heavy words, you know? I miss you, lyracism, and the relationship we used to have. Sigh.

It makes me what to learn Korean, but I know that Mandorin Chinese is going to be hard enough as is. But I have my whole life to learn. A lot of the sounds are similar to Japanese, which I can speak some basics of, so I'm hoping the more time I spend abroad, the more opportunities I'll have to learn. I want to... like I said in the post before, I really want to have a taste of being able to speak more languages. I want my children to be raised speaking Mandorin, English, and whatever native tongue my husband is. It's a beautiful thing... and I wish my dad had taught me when my brother and I were kids. At least knowing Fuchow would be better then just English. Sigh. What a waste! Ahh, and I think I made a huge mistake, I went out and bought the Sims 3. I'm going to be addicted... but so far, installing it hasn't worked, since I got the UNLOADED version back in May, and it refuses now to accept my legit copy. I'll call EA and try to figure it out because I can't wait to get started on it all. Anyways... it's back to the grind for me. One love!

STREET DREAM

No matter how often or little this question is posed, everyone has thought of an answer. What would you do with three wishes? I remember having an intense conversation with C over this once, high as fuck in a forest, leaning against a wooden bridge, in the dead middle of winter. The answers I gave then were completely random, because the first and second wishes were easy to come to me, you know? Snap, snap. But the last one... we both struggled there. It's like you hit a mind block after getting all the material things you've wanted all your life. What then? Material happiness only brings you so far. Is that why there are 3 wishes, over simply one or two? I'm not quite sure... but I've given it some thought. Who knows, maybe these answers match your own in some respect. But the point of this is to put down what I want, and how I'm going to achieve these myself. After all... genies don't really exist.

WISH NUMBER ONE

This was always the easiest wish for me. I want to be perfect, mind and body. I'm talking about that perfect mix of sexy and cute, able to speak any language I want, perfect grades, witty and clever, effortless charm kind of perfection. Why? Because it's something I've always struggled with. It'd be nice not to have to work so hard for it, you know? I think it's something everyone works for, and very few achieve. I want it... but it always seems out of reach despite my efforts. Only, I know secretly my efforts aren't really efforts, and that I give up far too easily over the flimsiest of excuses. I'm trying to learn Chinese. I need to set a goal. I'll be doing classes in Hong Kong, but what I really need to do is make sure I continue learning. Maybe a class in the summer, while also taking up language classes on weekends? I like being busy. That'll help. As for charming, I know I am, I've been told many times, it's just about making sure I moderate it, and speak about appropriate things. I think back, sometimes, on the stuff I used to just spurt and it makes me cringe. Was I really so air-headed? I guess it's all apart of growing up. Grades are something I'm working on. I do better when studying in groups. I do better when under pressure. The more I do, the more pressure there is, so I think I really got to put myself through the ropes to get the best results from myself. Working... school... language training... the gym... I think that's enough to keep me a bit full up, don't you? Speaking of the gym, I go 4-5 times a week now, and if I keep it up, I'll look the way I want to. It's all about diet and exercise, and if I really put my mind to it, I can do it!!! I'm still gunning to weigh 115 pounds, in the ideal, because I'm only 5'2, and honestly, that's what I should be weighing. If there's anything else I'm lacking... there's always surgery right? I'm not one of those people who freak out over things like that. I'm pretty now, but hey, sometimes money really can buy that extra 'oomph'. Plus, I know when I lose the weight, I'm going to loose my babies (ie - breasts), so something has to be done at some point. Being witty and clever comes with experience, and this trip to Hong Kong will hopefully give me the kind of perspective I need to be exactly that. It takes time... and that's where I get impatient. But it's happening. I only have myself to blame if it doesn't.

WISH NUMBER TWO

Of course, I think everyone wants to be absurdly rich. It's just a fact of life, I think. But how do you get there? Lots of hard work. My grades aren't that great. I'll be the first to admit. Part of the reason why I want to do another year is so that I can help to pull all of that up. I'm crossing my fingers... praying, really... because I think law school at the University of Toronto really is my ticket into getting all that I ever wanted. I'm fascinated by business law. I have the lack of morals that would hold me back. I'm great with talking to people, and pretending like I know what the hell I'm doing. I think it's almost the perfect profession for me. But to get there, I need an 8.0 CGPA average (not done), as well as a bunch of student experience (check) and a placement amongst the top 88 percentile or better in the LSATs (must start studying for those). I can do it. I know I can. I'm smart, capable, and ready. But it's getting myself out of this laze that's the problem. Sigh. I think the best place to start is studying for the LSATs, since my grades when abroad don't count towards my CGPA. When I get back, study like a madman all semester for the 5 courses that I'm taking. Then do summer, fall, and winter courses, so that I can spread the remaining 8 (or 10) classes I have over a bigger breadth of time. Then I'll be able to really concentrate on what matters, really put the focus on where it needs to be. Nobody is going to just give me money. I'm going to have to claw that shit in, on my own, using my own ability. I'm not winning the lottery anytime soon, and I want to be able to let my dad live out his life without debt, or concern. And I will fucking make it happen.

WISH NUMBER THREE

This was always the hardest wish for me. I never really knew what to wish for, because the biggest concerns I had were taken care of. I don't know if it's fair to wish for love, but can I? I mean seriously. I'm so unlucky here. C once said he's number three wish was to be almost hypnotizing persuasive, but... I don't know. The challenge is gone there, you know? No, I want the kind of guy in my life to make me delirious with happiness. I want that I'm-so-sick kind of love. Where it hurts to be away from them. Because now that I'm older, and I've been with more people, I'm better able to deal with those kinds of feelings, and treat them like an adult instead of a love-sick teenager. I want that passion that goes with that first love, with the insight I've gained over the years. Hell, if this is a wish, I'll go all out: I want that perfect guy, probably South Korean, but since it's my damn wish, South Korean-Chinese-Caucasian, with the whole G-Dragon, Tablo and T.O.P. vibe to them. Gangster nerdy!!! Oh my god, that style, and that secret little touches to it will get me every time. I never knew T.O.P. was such a nerd, hahaha, until R sent me some stuff online of him showing off his room. So many toys! And he cuddles stuffed animals at night? Sigh. Actual love. Tablo just has this depth to him that I find awe-inspiring. Then G-Dragon has this attitude and style that can't be replicated. I think it's a combination of love that can't be beat! And.. .haha, that wish also comes with a clause that they love you as much as you love them. It's hard when affection goes unmatched, you know?

SIDENOTE - DON'T I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS?

Mad love. Seriously. I'm very blessed. T and I went out after I was done work a little while ago, and we had a blast. Walking around, gelatto, discovering new places, eating Subway on the roof of Rideau Mall while watching bunnies and feeding the seagulls. Amazing, for sure. And then breakfast a couple days later with everyone (minus PH. Damn you, child, where were you?) which was great, then I watched the others put together some kind of personal project movie. It's kind of cool to have something that you're that passionate about. I hope all goes well for them. I'll take a moment to give T some love, and say honestly, thanks for being there for me, good and bad, listening to all my problems, whining, and ranting. Thanks for keeping me from getting hit by cars when I wonder out into traffic, thanks for copping for me when I'm spent on cash, thanks for waiting around with me when I'm bored, thanks for bringing me buns from Chi-Town when I make irrational demands, and thanks for just being you. Sometimes I get this feeling that you're dissatisfied with who you are, and I want to tell you that you shouldn't You're a great guy. No matter how people get you down, you're always there for them anyways. So really, thank you. Now if we could only work on your timing!!!! Hahahaha, Vietnamese Time is never an excuse, haha! And there's some love to J as well. I talked to him today about how there was a guy at work sexually harassing me. I felt really hesitant about talking about it... I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But he was being very supportive about it. Told me that while he wouldn't tell me what to do, he would be would suggest I go talk to our HR person about it. I'm... kind of afraid. It's hard, when the person who's doing it is the head of one of the departments at my work. But I'm leaving after this week, and have nothing to lose. Maybe I was being a child about it. I shouldn't have put up with it as long as I did. But.. tomorrow, I'll make it all better.

DOWNHILL

I keep letting weeks go by without writing anything here. I feel a little guilty. It's not that I've been distracted, really. It's too bad, because all that energy keeps getting bottled up into negative things, mostly because I begin using that free time to become concerned about smaller things that really don't matter. I start getting emotional... irrational. So, it's time to set myself back into line, because really, there is nothing worse then an overly wrought woman, is there?

FAMILY REUNIONS MAKE THAT HISTORY

It was a busy weekend for sure. I had my family reunion on Sunday, where there were about 100 members of my extended family, all packed into the basement of this church along Merivale. It was actually kind of... nice. I don't get to see many members of my family that often, and so it was great to finally get to know some of my second cousins on a closer scale and basis. After all, in my immediate family, there's only myself, my brother, my dad, my two aunts, one cousin, and my grandmother. And I'm not even close with the cousin, and less so with her mother. It's such a shame, you know? We're the only family we've got, yet we fight. Regardless, there was none of that at the reunion, with everyone seeming to be genuinely happy to see one another. I'm proud of my dad for organizing the whole thing, it really was a success. The food was great, the family was wonderful, and a lot of new bonds were made. I tried durian, mangosteen and rambutan for the first time ever. Amazing fruit, that. I can't wait to have it fresh, and from the country itself! I can't even really imagine it. Everyone just talked, ate, and helped to clean up. Instead of asking for money for a venue, we used money collected to donate to the church itself. It was all really lovely. The older second cousins around my age were all really laid back and cool, and then the younger ones were just way too cute to be real. I can't wait to do it all again, that's for sure!

A VISIT FROM THE VILLAGE FAR FAR AWAY

Of course, this would also be the weekend my lovely little miss C came to town. Back from the little village of Lethbridge. C has always been the mommy. As in, she's the one to straight up down and cuss me out if I do something stupid. All for my own good, of course, even if I don't always see it that way at the time. I was happy to have her come, but she really did pick a garbage time (what, with my reunion, and L being caught up with exams, and just people being really busy in general) but she could only get a certain amount of time off of work. Same with me, really. It's funny... we're all getting older, and the responsibilities are piling on. This is just another example of that. Her visit was markedly uneventful, as opposed to the past, where it was always party-party, rah-rah. We watched movies... stared at the television... ate out... gossiped... shopped... and it was all cool, you know? And it was great, because it was her, and I've missed her because she really is one of those people who will do what she says, and gives it to you straight. I swear, there really aren't enough people in this world that are like that. Gah, especially this one girl right now, who is quite honestly cutting it close to getting cut by me, because I do not like it at all when people tell me that they're going to do something, and then don't. Or worse, do the stuff they were supposed to do for you for other people, and then don't even address it with you. Sigh. It's so high school, and it's bothering me. But I gotta say, having C around was great, even if it was around the same time that the other C was leaving (I'll miss you) for Thailand. I have to take a page from her book, calm myself, let this little dramatic issues just be whatever the fuck they are, and not involve myself. Useless people don't need to me in my life, I swear, so if you don't make the grade, you don't make it. Little R, I loved you for a while, but this affair is growing cold. You aren't a C, that's for sure, and ya of course that's fine, but only if you're still cool to be with... and since it isn't fun anymore, really, maybe it is time to part ways with R. Friends like C and other C are hard to come by, but that's no excuse to waste my time on frivolous friendships.

STRESS AND PAIN JUST TO ENTERTAIN

I don't know why I'm stressed. Or rather, I do, and it's silly. Class is over... my final went well, and the top 5 have made their mark. Work is winding down... my contract ends next Friday. I have so much free time it's unreal. And it's killing me. I'm used to being busy all the time, all the time, you know? So suddenly having nothing is really throwing me. Work is absolutely dull, home is boring, and I end up with all this time caring about stuff that doesn't matter. Which I hate because it's stupid, and really such a waste of emotional energy. I'm back at the gym, going Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. 45 minutes of cardio, 25 minutes of weight training, 5 minutes of stretching. More, if I can. My water intake is up, and I just finished a 7 day cleanse that I think totally ruined my digestion, but we'll have to see. I've been eating like garbage the last 2 weeks (exacerbated by C's visit, other C's departure, and the family reunion), but that's back on too, with a nice 1,100 calorie diet. I'm halfway through the count, and halfway through the day, so that's encouraging. Breakfasts are always Special K, and 1% milk. I like to vary up my lunches, but usually Lean Cuisine, or soup, or whatever. Dinners are Special K, with milk and more soup if I can or another Lean Cuisine. It's totally joyless. But in combination with the exercise, hopefully it works out to me losing the weekend weight I gained from all the overeating and eating out. Gah, I need to lose that last 15-20 pounds, it is possible, and I can do it! FIGHTING. Haha, at the least, the cleanse is done. I'll be going to the gym tonight, a good hour and a half. The lucky thing is that I really enjoy my time at the gym, I just tune out listening to music, and do my thing. Then after the gym tonight, it's back home for some serious Persona 4 time (I gotta finish!), and maybe an additional bike ride later if I can help it, though I suspect it will be late. We'll see, we'll see. But really, now, it's time to get serious and get in shape. I have to come back from HK looking ridiculously amazing, haha, that's my goal for sure.

WORK IT OUT, MAKE IT COUNT, DO IT UP

Work... is... totally... dragging. There's nothing to do. Really, absolutely nothing. I sleep here, I talk a lot, I send a million e-mails a day to S (LOVE YOU FOR KEEPING MY LIFE INTERESTING), and really do nothing else. It's like I just sit here... and the boredom is pure murder. I like to be busy. I like to do things. I couldn't ever work here full time. That said, I'm praying that they hire me back when I come back to Ottawa in January. The money is good, and it goes towards paying off my OSAP loan. It also helps me figure out if I can go back to Asia again, mostly because I want to go kick it there in the summer after classes end. I have 3 semesters to do 8 courses (plus 2 that I want to retake, so 10) so I'll be able to space liberally, and study for my LSATs like a beast. I might retake more classes, if possible... really, my CGPA is in the shit, and I have to do all I can to salvage it. Of the 10 courses required to get another option in finance, only 6 of them are finance related, because I've done the rest - and then 2 of those, I'll be doing in the winter semester. So 4... and then 4 adm related courses. I want to redo my intermediate accounting class, and my psychology class. I want to redo International Business too, if I can, god my mark was dreadful for a course I knew so much about. It's go time, and I have to do what I can to make myself marketable... though my mother's confusing me, telling me now that I don't need two undergraduates, and it's ridiculous that I'm doing another year (5 years) when most people around the globe do their degree in 3 years. I'm doing a double option! I could have graduated on time if I had figured this out sooner, but I didn't... now I need to use the time to have my grades claw their way upwards, and study, study, study like a demon for the LSATs. My placement could make up the difference... I'm smart, and capable, and I can do this. I'll talk with her more on the issue tomorrow - though isn't it funny I place so much weight in her opinion on education when she didn't do post-secondary schooling herself? Hmm...

MIND ON MY MONEY, MONEY ON MY MIND

Money is a huge issue right now. I need more of it. Seriously. Hong Kong is going to be expensive, and having my visa application denied hurt. I need it, I want it, I have to have it. It's freaking me out that the OSAP is already going to be released only in the middle of September, and that my dad is refusing to help when he just bought himself a really freaking unnecessarily expensive car is making me furious. Mum's giving me money, straight out, on top of the fees she's giving me already for the plane ticket and my housing, which is great of her. I don't know what to do, because I quite honestly need something done to get more cash into my accounts before I take off. At this rate, I'll have to do some under the table work in HK to make up the difference... sigh. Waitressing can't be that hard, can it? I'll work in the foreigners district or something. Yup. Or something.

HE'S JUST PLAYIN' THIS GIRL, AND SHE IS THINKIN' THE SAME

It's only 18 days until it's time to get out of here. I'm freaked out. I'm excited. I'm tasting heaven and dreading hell. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I don't know who I'll be at the end of it all. I just know it's happening, it's real, and I have to face it head on. It's time to become an adult... and honestly, I can't think of anything more frightening. I don't know if I'm ready for this, if it'll be easy, or hard. But we'll have to just wait and see... which is hard for someone so impatient like me! I'll get there, don't worry. The pace is faster then I would have expected, but God knows, I need this more then I need air.