CLOUDS

Sigh. 2 out of 3 exams are done! I'm feeling a lot more relaxed on that all now, since the worst, the math, is over. Thank god! I don't have to look at math for a while to come!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!! Heehee. Studying was fun too, because I was with R and A and a bunch of other people. It was enjoyable, really... a lot of teasing back and forth, but a good group overall. Summer clique! Well, R and A at least. Though I think it'll be trouble, hahaha, because A likes to make fun of me but in a cool way I guessss... never seen a boy run that fast after insulting me. Good times! Now I just have to find some meaning within everything... haha. And not forget to keep hoping for something brilliant!

NOT ALL OF US BECOME ROCK STARS AND BALLERINAS

Last night was stressful. I appeared at C's all jacked up and nervous for the exam. He sits me down - asks me if I've had anything to drink. I say no and he gets me a glass of water, some cookies, and sleeping medication, telling me that he's going to drive me home ASAP because I was losing touch. And it's true, because when we were reviewing the homework I just picked a fight with him for no reason at all other then the fact that I was strung out from lack of sleep and food, and just couldn't relax. I was just stressed... but I went home and followed his advice as best I could, though I ended up worrying about J for a couple hours before bed because of a fight that sparked and resolved, bright, then dark. This is life, and so it goes...

THE DEVIL'S TRYING TO ENTERTAIN US

So yesterday I was in the student lounge with R studying away. In the end, though, we ended up watching Gorillaz videos on my laptop, and debating the rise and fall of their artwork, music style, and the people who collaborate with them. Robot Noodle's cool I guess, but the new personality they gave her annoys me. But that said, there's something so beautiful about the videowork they put in, and the style of music. I love that Mos Def is on their new single... I love that they had to be badass and have Bruce Willas chasing them down in a car, Deathproof style. I love the homage paid by them in all their songs to so many of the little abstract things I love!

DON'T GIVE ME THAT BOO-HOO-HOO SHIT

So with exams ending so soon, I've been getting my ass onto finding another job. It's necessary! I applied to 20 different ones today. I want to do more customer relations or sales stuff... I love it! Because I get to be energetic and social, and that's what I like doing best. I've been talking to S about all her job searching, and she's stressing me out a little bit. But now she's given up, I think, she isn't really giving me the whole story on it, but she's going to start her own marketing company. I wish her all the luck! And I'm hoping I'll be able to watch and learn from her experience in it all.

THE CLOUDS ARE IN THE SKY...

XEPY's Pandora Disk album was finally made available!!! I love it... oh my god I love it... J showed it to me the night leading into my International Accounting class, and I was just so incredibly in love with the song G.O. with Maslo, Vasco and K.Jun. I've been listening to it on my walks over the bridge to get to C's house at night, and it kind of puts me more at ease. Happy house beat, energetic, club mix kinda jam. It's getting me in the mood for summer - more then the weather, I have to say.

THERE'LL BE SUNSHINE

Dumbfounded, Jay Park and Clara Chung released their new single together! I actually quite like it, and I'm dying to see it done love... you have to peep it if you can, because this shit's real! Haha, though is it bad I'm more excited to see Kero One at the concert? =x I'm definitely willing to scream "I tried to find your record label in San Franciscoooo, I LOVE YOU!!!" because yes, his music was a cornerstone to my Hong Kong experience. Me and S just sitting in our room listening to 'In All The Wrong Places', because I loved Kero One and she loved a boy who loved Kero One. Fun times. Fun... but in the meantime, check out 'Clouds'!

TOO MUCH OF LOVE

It is official - I've hit the wall. Days of studying, very little sleep, and very little chance to be extend my creative outlet have left me embittered and unable to study. I'm tired. But I can't sleep, because there is so much to do. I want to think that I can do it all: I want to be that Superwoman. But I'm literally run into the ground, and there's so much to do and so much to accomplish. But I sigh... find focus. And continue on.

On a lighter note, I will be going to the upcoming AOM concert in Seattle on May 30! It's my graduation gift to myself. I'm really excited... and I'm praying my order comes in before then so that I can pass along my gift to J. Hee... What good and unexpected timing!

A little inspiration:

ENJOY YA SELF

Sunday, oh Sunday.

I'm listening to one of the best remixes to Musiq Soulchild's Just Friends right now. Loving it. I woke up late today after spending the whole night and morning talking to both J and the new boy (maybe new boy?) B. Those 7 am crash outs are always fun to deal with, hahaha. I'm slowly making progress with my studying but feeling so stuck on it all. Sigh. Goal. Read one more chapter. Start accounting. I can do it! Tomorrow I'll review slides from work for Cross Cultural Management. I can do it!

MY BROTHERS AND MY LADIES

Hahaa, I hate to start with a little hate, but really, I want to send a big EFF YOU R!!! Wow, I mean... I already lost a lot of respect for you prior to today. Not only did you drop off the face of the planet after cheating on your ex boyfriend for the boy you're currently screwing and NOT dating (after how long now?), the boy you screwed within the day of meeting and then proceeded to lie about hooking up with to me for four months, but you're going to blame your current hiatus on me? Weak man, weak. Saying you're 'afraid' to talk to me and you want me to 'chill out' when you haven't talked to me in a month is really lame. Especially since you ditched to go write what kind of is akin to non-stop porn with some other people, even abandoning little R. That's cold. Really cold. Really, you need to stop blaming the world for your bad decisions, and look to yourself. Something is wrong. Wrong. And I really ain't all that interested in the shit talking you've been doing lately, because I'm an adult and I will have an adult conversation with you if you so choose. Otherwise, suck it, girl. I'm not interested in the high school drama you're trying to raise with me.

WE GONNA TAKE IT BACK

As the end of exams creep up, I'm left wondering - what to do with the free time that's soon about to stir me? I've got several things I'd like to do. Start going to the gym everyday, pick through my music files and get rid of the crap I no longer listen to, start improving my Mandarin, start being more social again. Not that I haven't been, it's just that around exams I become very hermit-like in my habits, only really venturing out of the house to go grocery shopping and to go to work and exams themselves. Things I must soon invest in: the repayments of my credit cards, the repayments of my OSAP, my internship fees, gym membership, tickets to go to New York, and tickets to go to Seattle. With the potential advent of S moving with me to Shanghai, I don't think I need to go back to California. Therefore, seeing C is of higher priority, as well as M. I'm scared. I don't know where I'm going to find this money... but I'm praying my mom might pull through with some kind of "present" along the lines of the 21st birthday gift she gave me when I went to Hong Kong. Relief would be nice... but it's hard for a girl when there's so much to buy! Thankfully, I'm done with clothing shopping and of the like for a while. Time to really buckle down... how unfun!

BY WAYS OF MARVIN GAYE AND STEVIE

I hate being ill, because it drains me of all energy and will to accomplish anything. I'm tired, I lack hunger, and I'm very listless... and Sunday television sucks. I had a bowl of my soup and a bowl of cereal, an exact replication of my total meals yesterday, and likely this sentiment will carry onto tomorrow. Exams are closing in... and I don't know how prepared I am, despite the massive amounts of reading that I am doing. Will it help? Am I wasting my time? Sigh. Tomorrow, I must drop by C's house and pick up the textbook from him so that I may get a closer interaction with the accounting standards work that I'll be forced to go through for my Thursday exam. It can be done! Just another week and I'm done with all of this.

I'MMA MAKE YOU FEEL SO GOOD

Believe in something more

When the walls fall in

Always remain hopeful

MISS. UNDERSTAND

Long day... long long day. Wake up in the morning, and I've begun to feel as if already, things are at a standstill, that sense in which things have become routine, and in this, I am made extremely unhappy with this. Why? Because I don't like feeling as if I've become rooted down. I want to be made uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. There's so much I want to do... that I want to accomplish, and I feel as if it's not possible here. The present of this place seems to drag you down, and I doubt my happiness here. Not that I'm sad, or down, or depressed. Just contemplative of my future. I am graduating, after all. The adult world awaits: and the prospect of it is both frightening and exciting. I hope Stephanie follows through. It'd be nice to have a friend in Shanghai with me. The idea of having nobody that I know while I'm there... scares me. Secretly. A lot.

BECAUSE OF OUR AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP

I fought with J last night. Why? She's seeming distant, and it upsets me a little. Why? Well... I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm being bitter with her because I'm resentful that she isn't posting, and it's like, well damn girl, didn't you bust up on my ass to post ASAP, then said "I hope you won't try to get back at me for not posting in a while by taking a week"? Then have proceeded to write nothing in a week? Sigh. I mean, I get it. School, life, whatever. But it's so disparaging to hear that she's going to work on it and then nothing at all gets done. So last night I might have crossed the line because she was being so quiet with me, but at the same time, I felt like something had to be said about it. I chose my words poorly though. Sometimes, you misfire. And I didn't provide the quiet kill, no, I made it messy, and now I'm left thinking she's made embittered by my comment and will ignore me for a while. But as I said in my conversation with L on the matter, sometimes that's how things go. That, too, is life.

LIPS CLOSED TIGHTLY

I don't understand my father. Why he has to be so utterly disparaging about my internship opportunity. He tells me, "Why can't you just work with an organization in Ottawa, why can't you just stay with one that will give you travelling opportunities?". I come to him earlier today with news that my friend C got a job with Export Development Canada. I'm really happy for him. My father only looks at me saying "Well he'll be making more for you, and will have a chance to travel" and he proceeds to say that I'll be paid shit, and treated just the same while on my internship. And it's like... he hasn't listened to anything I plan to learn from this. I want to go forward, I want to know that I'll have the opportunity, and I need to do it while I'm young enough to be adventurous and fearless. I don't want to find a job here and just... settle. The nightmare of it consumes me. I don't think he understands how hurtful his comments are, and how they only serve to push me further away.

SHATTERED THE BITTERSWEET DREAM

Listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. Miss that feel, to be honest. There's something about those underground artists that sample the classics, jazz, soul, and I'm left a little breathless by the poetry and soliloquy presented to me. I feel so inferior in comparison in terms of skill. I often quote the lyrics when I write, because I feel their turn of phrases unloved, and I want to put it into some arena where at least someone will read them. Who knows if they are? It's more for me then anything. That's selfish but... that's why I write. Though I'm scared I'm losing my flair for it. C's up and writing again. She's so... fantastic. I don't think she understands the depth of it. Talking to her again makes me feel like the adult that I always pretend that I am. Actually feel it. She's an adult in a sense that always left me envious. I could never believe she was only a year older then me. Last night was interesting, we had a very in depth conversation, some exerts being:

C : the trick is not to overthink it

C : or let the fear carve out a permanent place

Z : i refuse to let it

Z : so even if i feel i'm not ready, i plan to approach my career the same way i appraoched losing my virginity - with a brave face, faking as if i know what to do until it feels right

C : hahahaha!

C : that is how life should be handled i feel

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY

I'm feeling a little ill. Stood outside in the cold for quite a long time today. I ate well - eggs (breakfast and dinner), an apple, banana, a little lean cuisine frozen lunch, and shrimp with soy sauce. I'm going to curl up and watch New York, I Love You in the early hours of my morning, after a nap and an injection of caffeine to help nurse me through the midnight hours so that I can study a little longer, push myself a little further. I'll work out a bit, make some tea, and keep going. Exams start next Thursday... I don't want to write them. I'm feeling quite broke, but I'll keep moving, and keep working. Hopefully my schedule will change for the better for work once exams are over. I'll be crossing my fingers. I leave off with a song I found from DJ Shinin' Stone, with Maslo and Keyreal. Love it!

RUN

Feeling kind of "oh my god" about life lately. Graduating in a month, and exams are coming up! Holy shit, right? There's only three, but I really have to get studying soon. It's just that the will to do so is nearly zero in me, I don't know. I should be focusing and really bringing it together. But I feel like I almost have 'tomorrow' syndrome because it's just like with these other internal promises I keep making with myself. I put it off longer and longer. But tonight I'm going to sit down and do a serious session between me and my slideshow notes. Then next with the textbook. The only person who can make things start is me! Tomorrow I'll hit up the gym as well, because I've been dying to do so. Also I'll try signing up with GoodLife as well for next month since my student gym coverage will run out. Sadface. But life's gotta get in order, and it's a serious investment of time and effort. Going to be an interesting time for sure.... for... sure...

TOUCH THE SKY WITH YOUR HANDS

Currently Skyping with S at the same time. She's all saying she wants to try to get into Shanghai with me now. How amazing would that be? It'll be me, and her, back in our Hong Kong days of fun, work, and leisurely taking life. We're discussing the growing up experience. We both seem out of it, tired, and utterly able to relate, and its times like this that I know for sure that I love her. Sigh.

FILLED WITH YOUR DREAMS

Must also find another job soon! I've got to get more moneyyyy!!! I've started applying but I know now is the worst time to find a job. God. And I have a horrible suspicion that I'm about to lose a shift at work because summer is coming. Aiiiish, cannot afford to do! Need gym membership, AIESEC fees, dental... so much to do, so little money. Things are going to get better though, I'll make sure of it.

WHAT AM I RUNNING TOWARDS?

I saw a movie last night. Pirate Radio. The best visual from that movie was when the boat was sinking, and there was just an array of vinyl albums just floating in masses... really beautiful stuff, actually. It was a sense of loss that I could understand in how the man that was swimming through it all, trying to clutch to his favourite albums, would want to risk life and limb for such a thing. His music was an essential extension of himself - he couldn't let those things simply go to waste. It was more then the physical possession of the album, it was all that it made him feel, all that made him realize what life was. And... yah. I loved that scene. Great movie, I felt it helped communicate that love for music even if the music they loved wasn't my style at all.

ABANDONED BY THE GALAXY

On a happy note though, one of my favourite groups, B2ST, just released a new MV today! It's for the song Say No. I loved it... and the MV is just beautiful, really. Eeee, I was so excited to watch it!!! Junhyung = definite sense of love. Heehee, excuse me while I fangirl the fuck out.

SHOPAHOLIC

I'm so happy! Thailand was an amazing time. I had so much fun, and I'm happy to have spent so much time with everyone. Getting home was amazing though, I won't lie to you! It felt good to sleep in my own bed after being in all those hotels and guest houses. I think my favourite part was seeing C. I missed him so much, and it was nice, he held me in the cab when it was finally time to go back to the hotel around 3 am. Just like at home, you know? It made me a little homesick. But I talked to my brother today, and it was good, he managed to remind my dad to get in touch with me, haha!

I've also had my first midterm. I was sadddddened by how piss easy it was. But then I got my first quiz back and I did miserably! So it's back to the books for me, sigh, I can't be messing around forever. But it's hard when there's so much to do around you! I'm off to South Korea this weekend, and while I couldn't score tickets, I'm hoping to get some at the venue from people who need money. God I hope I can!? I'll be upset if I can't go but... you know what, it happens. Haha, no use being bitter, right? If it's going to happen, it will, and if it isn't, then there's no use crying over it.

I wonder when did people get so weird about being in love? So many adult factors seem to play into things in modern relationships. But isn't how you feel about the other person the most important thing? More then what they do or don't do, more then what they say or don't say... because no matter what's going on, you're the final decider. So why do we all let little things like that come in the way of things? Sigh. I don't know anymore. I'm a bit sick of it all to be honest.

South Korea though! I'm super pumped. I can't wait to go shopping! 2 more days!

DOWNHILL

I keep letting weeks go by without writing anything here. I feel a little guilty. It's not that I've been distracted, really. It's too bad, because all that energy keeps getting bottled up into negative things, mostly because I begin using that free time to become concerned about smaller things that really don't matter. I start getting emotional... irrational. So, it's time to set myself back into line, because really, there is nothing worse then an overly wrought woman, is there?

FAMILY REUNIONS MAKE THAT HISTORY

It was a busy weekend for sure. I had my family reunion on Sunday, where there were about 100 members of my extended family, all packed into the basement of this church along Merivale. It was actually kind of... nice. I don't get to see many members of my family that often, and so it was great to finally get to know some of my second cousins on a closer scale and basis. After all, in my immediate family, there's only myself, my brother, my dad, my two aunts, one cousin, and my grandmother. And I'm not even close with the cousin, and less so with her mother. It's such a shame, you know? We're the only family we've got, yet we fight. Regardless, there was none of that at the reunion, with everyone seeming to be genuinely happy to see one another. I'm proud of my dad for organizing the whole thing, it really was a success. The food was great, the family was wonderful, and a lot of new bonds were made. I tried durian, mangosteen and rambutan for the first time ever. Amazing fruit, that. I can't wait to have it fresh, and from the country itself! I can't even really imagine it. Everyone just talked, ate, and helped to clean up. Instead of asking for money for a venue, we used money collected to donate to the church itself. It was all really lovely. The older second cousins around my age were all really laid back and cool, and then the younger ones were just way too cute to be real. I can't wait to do it all again, that's for sure!

A VISIT FROM THE VILLAGE FAR FAR AWAY

Of course, this would also be the weekend my lovely little miss C came to town. Back from the little village of Lethbridge. C has always been the mommy. As in, she's the one to straight up down and cuss me out if I do something stupid. All for my own good, of course, even if I don't always see it that way at the time. I was happy to have her come, but she really did pick a garbage time (what, with my reunion, and L being caught up with exams, and just people being really busy in general) but she could only get a certain amount of time off of work. Same with me, really. It's funny... we're all getting older, and the responsibilities are piling on. This is just another example of that. Her visit was markedly uneventful, as opposed to the past, where it was always party-party, rah-rah. We watched movies... stared at the television... ate out... gossiped... shopped... and it was all cool, you know? And it was great, because it was her, and I've missed her because she really is one of those people who will do what she says, and gives it to you straight. I swear, there really aren't enough people in this world that are like that. Gah, especially this one girl right now, who is quite honestly cutting it close to getting cut by me, because I do not like it at all when people tell me that they're going to do something, and then don't. Or worse, do the stuff they were supposed to do for you for other people, and then don't even address it with you. Sigh. It's so high school, and it's bothering me. But I gotta say, having C around was great, even if it was around the same time that the other C was leaving (I'll miss you) for Thailand. I have to take a page from her book, calm myself, let this little dramatic issues just be whatever the fuck they are, and not involve myself. Useless people don't need to me in my life, I swear, so if you don't make the grade, you don't make it. Little R, I loved you for a while, but this affair is growing cold. You aren't a C, that's for sure, and ya of course that's fine, but only if you're still cool to be with... and since it isn't fun anymore, really, maybe it is time to part ways with R. Friends like C and other C are hard to come by, but that's no excuse to waste my time on frivolous friendships.

STRESS AND PAIN JUST TO ENTERTAIN

I don't know why I'm stressed. Or rather, I do, and it's silly. Class is over... my final went well, and the top 5 have made their mark. Work is winding down... my contract ends next Friday. I have so much free time it's unreal. And it's killing me. I'm used to being busy all the time, all the time, you know? So suddenly having nothing is really throwing me. Work is absolutely dull, home is boring, and I end up with all this time caring about stuff that doesn't matter. Which I hate because it's stupid, and really such a waste of emotional energy. I'm back at the gym, going Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. 45 minutes of cardio, 25 minutes of weight training, 5 minutes of stretching. More, if I can. My water intake is up, and I just finished a 7 day cleanse that I think totally ruined my digestion, but we'll have to see. I've been eating like garbage the last 2 weeks (exacerbated by C's visit, other C's departure, and the family reunion), but that's back on too, with a nice 1,100 calorie diet. I'm halfway through the count, and halfway through the day, so that's encouraging. Breakfasts are always Special K, and 1% milk. I like to vary up my lunches, but usually Lean Cuisine, or soup, or whatever. Dinners are Special K, with milk and more soup if I can or another Lean Cuisine. It's totally joyless. But in combination with the exercise, hopefully it works out to me losing the weekend weight I gained from all the overeating and eating out. Gah, I need to lose that last 15-20 pounds, it is possible, and I can do it! FIGHTING. Haha, at the least, the cleanse is done. I'll be going to the gym tonight, a good hour and a half. The lucky thing is that I really enjoy my time at the gym, I just tune out listening to music, and do my thing. Then after the gym tonight, it's back home for some serious Persona 4 time (I gotta finish!), and maybe an additional bike ride later if I can help it, though I suspect it will be late. We'll see, we'll see. But really, now, it's time to get serious and get in shape. I have to come back from HK looking ridiculously amazing, haha, that's my goal for sure.

WORK IT OUT, MAKE IT COUNT, DO IT UP

Work... is... totally... dragging. There's nothing to do. Really, absolutely nothing. I sleep here, I talk a lot, I send a million e-mails a day to S (LOVE YOU FOR KEEPING MY LIFE INTERESTING), and really do nothing else. It's like I just sit here... and the boredom is pure murder. I like to be busy. I like to do things. I couldn't ever work here full time. That said, I'm praying that they hire me back when I come back to Ottawa in January. The money is good, and it goes towards paying off my OSAP loan. It also helps me figure out if I can go back to Asia again, mostly because I want to go kick it there in the summer after classes end. I have 3 semesters to do 8 courses (plus 2 that I want to retake, so 10) so I'll be able to space liberally, and study for my LSATs like a beast. I might retake more classes, if possible... really, my CGPA is in the shit, and I have to do all I can to salvage it. Of the 10 courses required to get another option in finance, only 6 of them are finance related, because I've done the rest - and then 2 of those, I'll be doing in the winter semester. So 4... and then 4 adm related courses. I want to redo my intermediate accounting class, and my psychology class. I want to redo International Business too, if I can, god my mark was dreadful for a course I knew so much about. It's go time, and I have to do what I can to make myself marketable... though my mother's confusing me, telling me now that I don't need two undergraduates, and it's ridiculous that I'm doing another year (5 years) when most people around the globe do their degree in 3 years. I'm doing a double option! I could have graduated on time if I had figured this out sooner, but I didn't... now I need to use the time to have my grades claw their way upwards, and study, study, study like a demon for the LSATs. My placement could make up the difference... I'm smart, and capable, and I can do this. I'll talk with her more on the issue tomorrow - though isn't it funny I place so much weight in her opinion on education when she didn't do post-secondary schooling herself? Hmm...

MIND ON MY MONEY, MONEY ON MY MIND

Money is a huge issue right now. I need more of it. Seriously. Hong Kong is going to be expensive, and having my visa application denied hurt. I need it, I want it, I have to have it. It's freaking me out that the OSAP is already going to be released only in the middle of September, and that my dad is refusing to help when he just bought himself a really freaking unnecessarily expensive car is making me furious. Mum's giving me money, straight out, on top of the fees she's giving me already for the plane ticket and my housing, which is great of her. I don't know what to do, because I quite honestly need something done to get more cash into my accounts before I take off. At this rate, I'll have to do some under the table work in HK to make up the difference... sigh. Waitressing can't be that hard, can it? I'll work in the foreigners district or something. Yup. Or something.

HE'S JUST PLAYIN' THIS GIRL, AND SHE IS THINKIN' THE SAME

It's only 18 days until it's time to get out of here. I'm freaked out. I'm excited. I'm tasting heaven and dreading hell. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I don't know who I'll be at the end of it all. I just know it's happening, it's real, and I have to face it head on. It's time to become an adult... and honestly, I can't think of anything more frightening. I don't know if I'm ready for this, if it'll be easy, or hard. But we'll have to just wait and see... which is hard for someone so impatient like me! I'll get there, don't worry. The pace is faster then I would have expected, but God knows, I need this more then I need air.

FANATICAL

Sigh. I've fallen behind on posting again. Things are just busy, but not, so it's hard to really put down excuses when we're talking about a personal blog, for me. Thank god it isn't another assignment is all, I guess. I kind of liked being able to break things down into topics like I did last time, since really, there are so many things that I end up involving myself in that it's insane, and hard to really organize any other way. So let's begin?

C AND WATCHING THE WATCHMEN

C, baby, if I cared about you in a way other then friendship, we'd be perfect together. Thanks for dragging me out last night, drinking with me (and making my drinks weaker, although only after some pleading on my part), and watching that awesome movie. Thanks for hitting on me, because it was kind of cute, even though we both feel nothing and it's just for fun. Thanks for driving around with me for an hour just listening to old school Gorillaz and Radiohead, while we talked about our upcoming exchanges, the philosophy and reasons why behind them, and where we're gonna be. The rain coming in through the open windows of the car that you insisted on, the both of us getting soaking wet but not caring, sobering up in those glistening moments. You're one of the few people who really tell it to me straight, and I appreciate you so much for this. When you tell me that I'm going to be successful, I really believe you because you wouldn't bullshit like that. Real shit, no talk, right? You're the kind of guy my dad tells me I should date (mentioned by name, no less), and you know, he's right, you're that right kind of person exactly. You're just not it for me, is all. But you're that person I'll be comparing others to, and maybe I'll tell you that one day if you weren't already so cocky. But you know, even if I didn't say it to you in the car last night, you're right, I'm probably a lot more down to earth and honest with other people because we spend so much time hanging out. I was being a spoilt princess when we first started hanging out, because I was in that painful place where I wasn't really sure how to reconcile the breakup with what everyone was saying. You always just listened, and kicked me when I was blabbering too long about it, and we'd just get high and watch the stars... I needed those things then. Thanks for giving them to me. Thanks for always shutting me down when I need to be, and being a great friend. Even if you say you don't believe in things like love, affection, relationships, I hope that you do find that spark and desire for it while you're in Thailand like you said, because really, you will make someone very happy one day, and you deserve to have someone make you very happy as well. Thanks for making me feel like a kid, a girl, and a woman at all the right moments. Here's to the times you've carried me over puddles, made me food, told me that I was an idiot, and warned me about guys I shouldn't chase. Thanks, C, for being you.

SOUNDTRACK TO A LOST FILM

This soundtrack is amazing. Done by DJ Pe2ny and Tablo (together known as Eternal Morning), it's a instrumental album that just SPEAKS to you. The titles of the songs are things like Rainclouds in my Room, and Holden Caulfield, Fingerprints... and you know, the songs that correspond to them really fit. The song that really got me was Father's Watch, I think I actually teared up the first time I heard it. I'd love to see someone set a bunch of mini-stories to these songs. I think it would be amazing - a truly worthwhile project. I think the album is beautiful... and I'd love to see these two amazing artists collaborate again. I mean ya, Epik High just dropped Remixing the Human Soul (their remix and re-cute album of some of their songs) but it doesn't have that gentle touch to it like this album. I really feel when I hear it. I think it's the kind of music that makes a difference, and cares about itself rather then how many copies it sells. It's art - pure and simple. And I love it. I could honestly write an entire blog post just on each song, how they make me feel, and how I think they just work. But... while I had plans, like everything, they don't always work.

CLIQUES, THE A-LIST, WHATEVER

Dear fucking Jesus in heaven, I've had enough of this high school crap. I'm mad that you're going to giggle off with one person, and ignore the hard work put in by another. Cait... you shouldn't have been shut down the way you were by those girls, it was wrong, and you are so much better then that. And while I want to blame it on their age, their lack of experience and exposure, whatever, it can be put down that at times, some people are just rotten. We all have our moments... but I hope you don't keep feeling sad. You're wonderful - and I care too much to let some stupid young children get you down on yourself.

THE JOB, THE FINANCES

It's coming up... the exchange. In one month today, I'll be landing in Hong Kong. I'm scared - I'm elated. I worked it all out, and between my two jobs, my OSAP, my loans, and whatever else, I'll have the money I need by August. I'm worried though, at the same time, because once I'm out of money, I'm out, and I'm screwed! There's a lot of stuff I want to do while I'm there... places to see, people to meet, boys to flirt with, things to buy... experience, basically. It'll be the longest I've ever been away from home, and I need to grow up a little, personality and maturity wise. I'm a weak person - I try too hard with others and I find it hard to relax and be myself. I want to be able to say 'fuck convention', and really mean it instead of saying it for showy reasons, which is honestly how it is most of the time. I take things too seriously... I got to lighten up. There's a lot of things I need to work on, but hopefully this will help guide the way. Haha... I want to be the best version of myself possible, I guess. Isn't that a natural desire? I think I can do it. I want it, breath it, work for it, but I think the dedication is waning. I need to reinvigorate myself. China, baby, be that inspiration for me. But it's hard to think of that while I'm still doing work. It's so boring here right now... but I think when the contract ends and I'm in Toronto (hopefully enjoying some sun!?) it'll really hit me.

THE PARTY'S IN TOWN, WHERE ARE YOU?

So my girl C is coming into town next Thursday from Lethbridge, and I'm pretty keen to see her. She's like... well... male C! Very straightforward and honest. I like her a lot - I was really sad when she left to go move away for university. I know this means I'll be drinking more, going out every night, and living that bad lifestyle, but for the both of us that kind of thing is a rarity. It's meant to be shared with close friends, rather then just doing it for the sake of it; I think I forgot that before. But, being on better bearings, I'm happy she'll be here. I hope it's a good trip, because for L and me (both housing her in the time she's here) it's busy, with me handling my family reunion, and L handling her exams. What a week it's going to be! She'll be here Thursday afternoon... I'm thinking treats for dinner, unpacking, cleaning, and just being! Movies, maybe, even. L and I are getting to be better friends too, so the awkwardness that trailed C's last visit should be all but gone. I love L, but sometimes, girl, you're so dense and you have to realize the things you say, and how you say them, can come off as rude and not 'blunt', like you say. But that's kinda past, isn't it? I'm excited. The funny thing is, Q is also apparently coming into town that weekend. I will not be getting together with him. He's bad in the ways that aren't good for me, and I'm planning on just letting him stay with A and be bored or party or whatever. I've got my hands full and I don't need his drama! Especially since I don't know if R is coming with him or not. That would be trouble and a half. I haven't even spoken to either of them in months, so I don't know why Q, at least, is playing buddy buddy. I'm not selling what you're looking for, kid, so... off with you.

FINALS HAVE ARRIVED

And the last item on the agenda is the final presentation that I've got to do for my class. I'm terrified - I'm worried I'll make some stupid mistake and fail the class. It's not an option. But I'm piss-my-pants kind of scared over it. I can't wait to be done with it, and I'm going to practice practice practice all weekend until I nail it down tight. I CAN DO IT!!!

ETERNAL MORNING

It's been a while since I last posted, but my life is so fragmented right now (in a way that I'm loving, in a way that I can't help myself) that it's been hard to sit down and actually write something. But there's a lot that should be written, because my god, I can't keep things straight anymore. I'm tripping this fantastic high, happy with the things I have, and working towards the things that I want, and you know, dissatisfaction has no place here, not now. So, I'm going to break things into fragments here, and just go off on it, because really, free thought form is so much easier, you know?

C AND THE SWINGS INCIDENT

There's this guy, we'll call him C, and he and I get along great. I'm not feeling him, he's not feeling me, but he really knows how to make me smile. We're drinking in a park, and I've got my peach schnapps in hand, and we're on the swings because I really missed how it was like. It just reminded me of the days when I would pick up my bike and go to the park when I lived at Corkery, loving the way my hair felt in the wind as I rode past life, trying hard not to drop the CD player in my hand. I don't remember if I was lonely then, but I wasn't now, and he was laughing because I was actually moving hard to swing, my alcohol in hand, drinking the whole time. And he came around, pushed me until I was airborne. And when it was clear that I was trying to stop he just came around, and wrapped his arms around me, an immovable force hitting an immovable object. And he just kind of held me for a bit. C has this thing where he likes to cuddle if we watch movies together, and it sometimes weirds me out but it's ok, and you know, I like having someone like him around. I don't get so lonely with him there, you know? Breaks my heart, sometimes, when I think about how it used to be between me and P, lazy afternoons spent lounging in bed and watching television series. If someone's there to give that affection, it kind of kills the temptation to simply run and find someone, anyone, to fill that space, you know?

PRESENTATIONS CLASS

It's really not as bad as I thought it would be, and I'm taking it one step at a time, killing my presentations, and steadily improving on my written reports. I'm happy with the final topic I chose (Nintendo's falling market share) and I'm almost done! I'll be finishing it off with B tomorrow at school. I wonder how the final boardroom presentation will go?

JAE-BABY, RO-BABY, AND THE NEW SITES

Met some amazing girls lately, I'm so in love. We're vibing off of this creative element that I haven't felt since Cait dropped out of the game, and I can't help but get really excited talking to them. They're introducing me to some new stuff, new music, and they're kicking up ideas in me that I never thought before. I got something fresh for everything that we've planned, and I've never been writing so much, so quickly. Girls, you've woken up love in me again, and this torture is killing me! I can't wait to finish up all the shit we got going on, because for real, you're making me feel like love is kind of possible again. I haven't been writing... and you both reminded me how much I missed her, and I'm so lucky to have met you. Can't wait to see all the magic we can conjure, huh? I'm just hope I'm not moving too fast for you girls, sorry, I can't help it when I get excited.

KOREAN MUSIC

Okay, when the hell did this shit get so hot? I've got more hope in the music industry over in Korea then I do back here at home, and that's saying a lot, especially with the new Lupe joint hitting in December. But I mean... the music I'm finding is hitting it hard, and hitting its mark. Big Bang totally owns my heart! Before, it was just Epik High, but now that I've opened myself up to more, I'm really loving it. The sound and the flow just really get to me. And if that isn't perfection, what is? I'm feeling again. The Soundtrack To A Lost Film album by Eternal Morning is just too perfect for words, an instrumental album that Tablo collaborated on. TBNY (the basement noise yellas), where the hell did you come from, my dreams!? Your flow is incredible. The style that the artists rock also blow my mind, and I'm definitely got something to gun for. Baby, it's a package! I've got better incentive for the gym (it's 4 times a week now, sigh), a better sense of mixing and matching, and really, I'm caring about music again, none of that mixtape shit that I'm used to listening to for a week, then tossing it cuz I'm bored, and I've got a new one at home. I mean, what is that? Music was never meant to be disposable. I was meant to shake your soul, baby, and I found it again! Kinda makes me sad, though, to know that the motherland (China) won't ever be at that level, not until we loosen up with that whole communism thing. It isn't doing any favours, ok!? I'm sure there are so many people with the kind of music I want to listen to inside of them. Damn your censorship!

THE PERFECT MAN - TABLO, G-DRAGON, T.O.P.

I was trying to explain to P my perfect man. After thinking about it, I came up with 3 names, all Korean (what the hell?) because they all had something in their artistry, their personality, their style, that I felt I could fall in love with. He laughed. Said it was impossible. You know what? I'm going to find that man. Not the boy, because I've been with the boys, and I honestly cannot handle that bullshit anymore, but the man. And in the interim, I'm going to become the woman worth being loved by that man. It's time to grow up, lady, and really put yourself into it. That means study, gym, and really... just listen. Sometimes, I'm obnoxious, but it's because I'm trying so hard that I sometimes lose track of myself in the process. But really... if I can't be myself, what's the point? Life happens on its own schedule, and I'll find someone you know? No point in crying over it. Until then, I can watch these guys, and feel the twinges of love in my heart, haha, because sometimes loving from afar is a lot nicer then loving someone for real.

HOLLA AT CHA BOI

Same conversation with P. I was lamenting the current dating scene in Ottawa. "You know, B was that last chance I gave it, you know?" and he was laughing, telling me I definitely picked the wrong person. Too bad, I guess. He had that same kinda boyishness of GD, had the perceived intelligence and depth of Tablo, and the occasional quietness of T.O.P. I thought it was perfect! I mean when he introduced himself, he said "What it do?" which made me melt a little on the inside. But I guess without experience, a boy is just a boy, and not a man. Too bad, B, I thought you were perfect. The hype was too much for me, I guess, because the more I got to know you, the sadder I was. You're all the things I want, but you don't have that confidence that a man has. Who knows? Maybe things will be different when I get back from HK. Cause I know for sure, I'll be a different person - a woman, finally. But I got to be honest, you killed the last hope I had in Ottawa.

AND THE REST

Music is really moving me. I'm just fucking happy, you know? Got a new car with the family (sweet!), got a new PS3 (yahoo!), and I'm probably getting a car when I get back into the country in January. Joy! I'm really busy, and life is generally a huge rush but I'm almost out of here. I'm excited to see what this will all be like. To be gone, that is. HK will be a huge change, but I'm looking forward to have things shaken up for me. I wonder if I'll be ok? I want to spend hours in the glorious (and apparently ridiculously hot) sun, just being. It's soon! So soon! Counting the weeks, days, hours, and the minutes.

PAPARAZZI

Who we are in private is sometimes someone completely different than what others think.

Things have settled into a pretty nice routine. Summer's getting on, and it's kind of just passing me by. Which, while it sucks, is kind of nice in a way, to bury myself completely in work again. Of course I'm doing it all for the money (otherwise I'd give myself a bit more of a break) but if I wanted to, I could give myself a bit of an out - it turns out that I'm eligible for a little over $13,000 from OSAP. What a relief! Now the problem comes in the form of how to make the claim work. Since we technically have to say we're almost entirely living off of child support... I mean, to be honest, I don't know where the money is coming from. I don't know how we afford how we live, and maybe that should scare me a little. It's a bit damn irresponsible to be honest. Sigh. We'll have to see if my claim processes. I just want $4,000-6,000 of the money, the rest I think, hopefully, I'll be able to have from the work I've been doing myself.

I watched a pretty interesting show today called the 100 Mile Challenge. The premise basically talks about how people in the city of Mission (which I think is in British Columbia) have to eat food purely produced from 100 miles around the city. I'm kind of tempted to try it, but it looks difficult at the same time. We're talking no coffee, no sugar, hardly and fruit, no milk... I would love to try regardless. For a couple of weeks, I don't know if I could last the whole 100 days they do in the show. But it's truly a life change. Not simply something to just... try. It's revolutionizing the way you eat, and I think I'm just a bit apprehensive of that. But the families that were featured in the show were interesting. There was one, the Mcintoshes, that dropped out the first day. The husband was unwilling to commit. I could tell the marriage was in trouble, from the moment the husband wouldn't come home to spend his last pre-100 mile meal with his family. Just... stayed at work. Didn't even seem to care. I wonder how people stay in a marriage like that, where one party just openly is disinterested in the efforts of their partner... I wish her luck. The wife, that is. She looked just so sad...

I'm dying! School's been pretty difficult lately, and I've finally chosen my final topic. I'll be talking about Nintendo, who, despite the number one position, could be doing better. And better exemplifies business then talking about making even more exorbitant amounts of money? I've got a good idea of what I want to do with it, and I'm just crossing my fingers that it translates well - thankfully I've found a good amount of research already. What gets me down, however, is how my TA for the class blatantly told me that it was almost impossible to get more than 75% on any of the written reports. I hate that. How it's simply designed to make you fail. What's the point then? You're not rewarding intelligence, merely picking at the technicalities of it. That's not how business is done... is it? On that, I hate my topic for this week, which is based around trying to convince corporations to make the switch to Windows Vista. 3 days after a top Microsoft executive publicly stated that people should just wait for Windows 7. Fuck my life.

I cooked dinner tonight too. I felt pretty proud of it - pesto and pepper crusted tilapia, served with steamed spinach, sliced asian pear, baguette and lite cheese spread over it. Yummy! I'm committed to cooking more myself, and being healthy about it. It kind of sucks, but what can you do? I decided all this a couple of nights ago. I was hanging out with C, and he and I randomly decided to go find a park. We ran around the play structure, before settling on the space suspended in the air where the connective tube was (just chilling out on top of it) and talking about life. That kid rocks. We were both so tired after we just kind of fell asleep watching a movie he picked out - and so continues C's keen ability to pick out shit movies.

I've been getting to know someone new lately. He seems like a really nice guy, and it's a good change of pace. He keeps up an amazing conversation, and it doesn't feel overwhelming. He has GOT to be my musical twin. I mean... we keep talking music, and he's got all the same music I do (even the obscure, eclectic stuff!) and when we're playing stuff for one another over Skype, and mention an artist, we always pre-guess the song the other is going to play. What's up with that! It's pretty funny. I can say it's good to meet someone new, but I feel kind of bad since he's one of my brother's friends. He's nice though, haha, so I know I shouldn't feel bad... but it's something that happens regardless at times. I've been so shut in at work that I haven't had the chance to meet anyone new so I guess I'm just happy with it.

TOP GUN

What a difficult week. Not in terms of stress, or lack of sleep, just in other general terms. Poor dad, he's got kidney stones, and my brother's struggling with another weekly crisis of identity. I think it's times like this I really wish I could drive. It would make things easier, and relieve some of the burden on dad. I think the only upside to it is that the report I've got to do for this week is only a letter, though there will be a full presentation to do. I've got to get started on that.

Today, I slept in super late. It was glorious. I spent all day just writing, and watching movies. I ended up watching the Other Boleyn Girl. It wasn't exactly a phenomenal movie, but it is inspiring in its own way. It really does show the power a woman can hold over someone... who knew that sex was such a motivating factor? How lucky, for us, to be psychologically more plastic in terms of our needs. Meaning... if we want it, we won't go through extreme measures to get it. I mean, the greatest art on this planet is typically dedicated to a woman, or is done in the name of getting a woman. I suppose this is supposed to be comforting. To know that all it takes is a little lust to get anything you want. I don't know, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. After having used those kinds of wiles to my advantage all of last summer, I only found how empty things felt at the end of the day. The only guys that ever managed to really catch my attention were the ones who were immune to such things. Chasing the unattainable. Is it honest attraction, or just me being just... well, wanting someone that I can't have. Who knows? All that matters, I guess, is that if I'm willing to put aside happiness, I'll be able to get anything I want. But isn't that the case for anything, not just men?

I've made almond jello, and it's setting in the fridge, though I was a little sad to find out that there's no fruit cocktail to go along with it. I could try making something else to go along with it, like strawberries, orange and pineapple, though I suspect it wouldn't be as nice as the traditional. I'm thinking of making orange-walnut-almond salad for lunch at work tomorrow, which hopefully be enough. I'm trying to get off eating as much meat as I do. I mean... protein comes from other courses too. Hopefully the walnuts and almonds will do the trick. Must stay on this stupid diet! It's getting warmer every week, though today you would never know. It's so grey. I would have liked it if it had rained though. Maybe it will later tonight? I'm hoping to read on the couch with a pot of tea. I'm loving this new Rufus Wainwright phase. I miss this kind of moving music. Tomorrow's going to be a new week. We'll see how it goes!

TWO-SIDED COIN

Hmmm! It's been a while since I last wrote. I deleted all of my older posts, since... well, I ended up being a lot sadder in them then I really wanted to seem. It's summer now... and I'm so happy. I got accepted to Hong Kong! It's always been one of my life goals to go to Asia and visit the place my dad was born in Sibu, Malaysia. Going on exchange to Hong Kong will allow me the opportunity to do that. I've always seen that house in pictures... seen his room pointed out to me. Heard all about how I still have family there, in that house. It's touching in a way I don't quite know how to put into words. I suspect that I might even cry seeing it. It seems the older I get, the more connected to my heritage I feel I have to be. It brings a sense of love and comfort that I don't think I could have comprehended when I was younger. I feel so... incredibly loved, knowing and discovering my family. Because I can see that they will always be there for me, that love will not fade. Eventually, even my own father will pass... but the love that was there, the memories shared, the crying, the fighting, the laughter, the lessons... they'll always endure. And I'm not quite sure what to say other than I'm so happy that this exchange will help me along with this. I want to grow up from this exchange - to become a worthy person. It's not as if I lack worth now... it's that I feel I shouldn't be satisfied with just being. Nor should I just change for the sake of change! It's... well, you have to always try to improve. Be a better person. Distancing myself from my current surroundings might be the shock I need to my system to help myself along. I'm still young, after all, and some things come more difficult now then later. Perhaps this is one of them...

Still, I look back to more than a year ago, and I'm surprised by the changes that I've seen in myself, and those around me. My dad asked me today if I ever thought of the first boy, and only boy, I ever loved. It was a bit of a surprise... But the answer was yes. But now, the feelings there were much different then they had been before. I think of him often... almost everyday. I love him still. But it's not the sick, unhealthy, so-in-love feelings that were there before. I still couldn't say how I would feel if I were to run into him today. I always... think about what would happen if I did. Would I cry? Smile? Speak to him? Pretend as if he wasn't there? I don't know. I'd still be sad... but it wouldn't be for the lack of apologies, for what he did, for the end of that long, painful, beautiful relationship. I would never want to be with him again - it's not that kind of love that I have anymore. It's a simple fact. You can't easily forget the ones you love, right? Haha, at least I hope so. I'm okay with things being different. I'm much happier with who I am, and my situation. I'll always love that boy, and think of him. Sometimes fondly, sometimes not. Memories have that kind of strange tendency. I'm happy I won't forget. There are lessons to be taken and learned from every love in ones life, I hope. The greatest sin would have been to have not learned anything at all... I asked my dad if he ever thought of mom still. The divorce started when I was eleven, ended when I was seventeen. It's been three years since... and I was happy to hear him say no. Because watching him be so sad, that was too much for me. I wish, then, I had been stronger to help him through it. He must have been lonely... and I only wish there had been someone there for him, in a way that my brother and I couldn't be there for him as children. I want him to be happy, more than my own happiness... is that love?

But yes! It's summer! The time of class, of work, and of... well, extra lessons. Haha, I want to work hard, to make the money needed to travel, travel, travel. I'm so excited for the exchange. I want to see so many places. Today was mother's day, and we took out my grandmother out for lunch, along with my aunts. We ran into her friend from church, CK, who I last met at the last two funerals I attended. Sigh. Not a nice place to meet, but I digress. He sat with us while he waited in the (ridiculously) busy restaurant for his friends to arrive, and it seems he has family in Hong Kong to introduce me to. I hope they'll show me around! His niece is only a year older than me, while his nephew is a year younger. It will be good to have someone there that I could hopefully rely on if I were lost, or needed some help. I look forward to it! I also was surprised by a trip to the movies with my dad. We saw Star Trek - pretty amazing, if you ask me. It was really well done. I was excited through a lot of it, since I could vaguely remember some of the Star Trek episodes from my childhood. There were so many people in the theatre for a Sunday for this movie, the line snaked outside of the building, and around two corners of it. Some people near us were smoking unfortunately, and I got a horrible sore throat from it. Looking back, I don't know how in the WORLD I ever used to have that habit - it completely chokes me up because of my asthma. Ah... chalk it up to youthful indiscretion? But I'm happy I saw the movie. My dad liked it as well, which is great since he remembers watching it all. The hype was worth it! I'm hoping that means JJ Abrams is considering a sequel. I would definitely go for that, haha!

Sigh, and tomorrow is Monday! Or rather, is it today? I have to stop staying up this late. That means work... and I have my first Aikido class. I'm pretty excited for that! I've never done martial arts before. I'm going to have to work on, and finish, my report for my Presentations class as well, since that's due Tuesday for me. I'm going to have to also work on my student visa application, on making an appointment for all my vaccinations, and also, will have to make a lunch for tomorrow. Aiiiiiii... I'm tired thinking of it all already. I'm thinking that maybe now would be a good time to sleep. So, I leave it at that, goodnight!