DEDICATED TO FOREVER HUSTLE

Oh my goodness, it's another week in the life. I wonder what's pushing me, but I realize I'm zombie-ing. Should I be okay or frightened by this? Who knows, who knows. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and moving onwards, ever onwards. Let's see what's up, baby.

LET ME REENACT
I'm edgy. And I don't really know how to act. But it feels like I'm off on some drum-line, recreating what is right within the lines of this pencil sketch drawing. I feel like I should be far more impressive then I am, and it makes me look forward into ways I can accomplish said goal. I joined the gym with S today, and I'll be going after work. Goal A. Get to a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to the bank to settle some bills. Goal B. Get life paid off. My SIN card arrives in the mail, under my new name, and I'm thinking, wonderful. Goal C. Call up OSAP and start to pay your debt off. Now I just have to get ahold of Apple so I can get onto Goal D: getting my laptop properly fixed. Who knows? Maybe today when I call I'll get someone to act and get it replaced already. Bloody customer service.

THE FEELING OF NOT FEELING YOUR HEART BEAT
Strange is in the cards, and I'm thinking, I should call my mother. Why? I see the news of fire, of chaos, of bloody reins coming down in Toronto, and I worry for her. Is she alright, are things okay? I wonder about the nature of our relationship, and why, of all times, when my child support is no longer an issue for her, that she chooses to ask me to move in with her. It seems a big decision, and so unlike her. I thought we didn't get along? As people rather then a functional family - in that respect, she has failed long ago. I'm curious to see where this goes... and with so many luring me to the city I was born in, I wonder if there's a point to staying in Ottawa beyond family. And friends. I just... can't stand being here anymore. Maybe this is a good change.

JUST LIKE A HEART ATTACK
I wait for justice, and justice does not come. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm losing my touch on things, and I'm no longer sharp. I read what I write and I'm no longer impressed. I think I need to find a good book, settle in a coffee shop with my iPod, and let myself get intimate with my literary side. I'm missing when time was infinite, and the skies were blue. It rains, always rains here. I look at puddles on the ground and wonder if I ever left Washington. But I have a feeling if I were there I wouldn't feel so listless... but I would feel more hopeless in a place where work is impossible, and a Work Visa is more so. I laugh... because California was once the dream of so many, and mine, but now it's impossibly far. S, I'm sorry you cried last night. But I do think about you. Every day. And J, though you're mind isn't around when you're tired, I'm always ridiculously happy when you're there, even when you're mad. I need to call V and see where he's going, because I want to go to Mexico with him and escape. Escape. But find myself.

CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE
Loving it, loving it... something about Mellow's voice just sends shivers down my spine.

FREESTYLE

You know, sometimes I'm left wondering... what am I doing?

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

You know it's funny, I don't think I was supposed to see what I did. I think I wouldn't have if she hadn't drawn attention to something smaller. I wonder if she knows? But I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wonder if I should even. I mean it's not a fight that hasn't been fought, it's not words that haven't been said, so why do I feel down and a bit pained nonetheless? I shouldn't. It's petty of me, but I just want to go and ask 'well what else do you want from me?' When does it become so one sided? Why am I even feeling like that? It's selfish of me. I mean apart of me really isn't surprised... and I hate that. And it's compounding beyond a single issue. I'm feeling rather ignored for someone else and it sort of feels like a slap in the face because I'm not being given any sort of explanation on it, but I know it's also not my place to say anything either. Yet... I know the same courtesy isn't extended my way. But just because of that, I know I shouldn't be... upset. I just... don't know. I really know. Instantly, my mood is spoiled beyond the simple boredom of the night, and I'm kind of left like... unsure. Of what to do, what to say. And it's quite an unthrilling experience.

What kind of bites too is that it's sort of clear that I'm not happy. And she doesn't really do much to pursue it. The child and the adult in me are warring, because I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't start questioning why, why I'm upset. I shouldn't be upset that she's having lively conversation with someone else. I understand that adults sometimes need space in order to cool down, and re-evaluate positions, and life, and self. But the child in me doesn't want to understand, and angrily wants more, attention, something. I wonder how long this is going to last. I wonder if it'll get brought up. Night two down of this, and I guess only extended time will tell.

LET THE SPEAKERS DRIP

I just had the most emotional two-punch of a shuffle play on iTunes... Feather by Nujabes, followed by Sad Movie by Minos and Soulman. Guh... if my heart wasn't aching enough before, it certainly is now. I like the way music makes me feel, even if it isn't always warm. I'm wondering when I'll meet someone that I'm in love with who I can talk to about that. The little kicks and snares in a song that just capture you, those lyrics that just move you, those little hitches in a voice that disturb you. I listen to the chatter in the background of some of the songs, and I just feel like I can RELATE to these people. Their passion, their love, their need. I'm left wondering why I don't know more people like this beyond J and S. On that note, S seems to have disappeared... I leave her notes on her Facebook, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm a little worried... I wonder if she's gotten herself off on the lithium she's taking now. I'm guilty of not going after her harder. I think maybe Toronto really is a good idea for a little while at least. V... you know how I feel right now, don't you? It's scary out there, and I'm being swallowed up. You came back with me. You know it. The fear that we've peaked, and will no longer be 'fantastic'. I feel like a coward.

FIST IN THE AIR FOR INDEPENDENT MUSIC

I wonder when I stopped being observant. God... S tells me today about the depression, and I should have seen it. I mean I knew something was wrong, but now it's like... when did I lose it? What happened to me? When did I become 'that friend' who ignored all the warning signs, and allowed that friend to slip through the cracks without reaching out? I'm so disappointed in myself it's unreal. I became the bad friend. I became the thing I loathe most.... and I don't really know how to make it better. I'm sorry, S, I know you'll read this and tell me it's okay, but I know in a deeply fundamental way, it's not, and I did something very wrong by not catching it sooner and calling you to come over. Instead I handled it poorly, on msn, with badly aimed words and a brush off that was cold, too cold. I should have been better, because you deserve that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll be better. If the medication isn't working, homie, I'm here because you don't have to feel like you're lonely. Your friends love you. I know it's not the affectionate love you're craving, and I know you know and feel like it's an unreasonable loneliness, but it's there, and it's real, and if you're feeling it, I'll step up and be there. I fucked up. I won't do it again.

REACH NEW HEIGHTS WHILE WE PASS THE TREES

Work is getting super intensive. I'm about to face 3 straight weeks of short-staffing situations, where I'm bound to make some good money, and run to exhaustion. I doubt there will be much understanding, comprehension, or kindness involving this and the people I know, but that's to be expected. I'm not even mad, I just accept it, laugh it off, and go go go! I'm just hoping I don't get super sick at the end of this. I have to see T, C, S, R, S, B and K sometimes next week. One a day? Time to be super powered! Hopefully I'll have a legitimate schedule pinned down starting tomorrow. M is being a total spazz and making it impossible to do much planning because she hasn't given her other work schedule over to us so we can make the fixed schedule. C is getting PISSED because I never seem to have a day to give him. Legitimately... miss that kid. He's got a way of cheering me up like no other. What is with all my bitchassness anyways? I need to snap out of it. Tomorrow I'll find something to make me smile smile smile and be normal. Maybe I'll ask if I can have ice cream on the way home? I don't know how you can feel sad when you're licking coconut and pineapple sherbet from Baskin Robins.

WE DOING BIG THINGS

I wonder if I'm making more miscalculations of judgement then I'm admitting. The idea is frightening. I'm getting anxious - nervous - scared. I'm going to try to call V soon for an emotional consult. And S. J seems to be gone, gone, gone, and I don't know where he's gone. I can't help that these relationships are breaking because I'm not doing more. The idea makes me feel sick. I need to reverse this trend.

LET THE STREETS SING

So there's a new movie coming out in August. Looks absolutely amazing, and after three different trailers, and reading the whole comic book series, I'm so pumped for it. C-c-check it.

TODAY, OR NEVER

Today was one of those 'feel good' days. I got together with T after work, after getting so many of my documents updated. We went to have frozen yogurt, walked around the mall, and eventually settled on going for pho in Chinatown. It was pouring rain outside, and slightly chilly... I didn't bring an umbrella. I'm not thoughtful like that. But T is! He brought an extra large one and we managed to navigate the lonely night world with a high success rate. Not only that, but he bought me prescription circle lenses. I'm so happy! Pho tasted amazing... and secret exchanges of information were a necessity. Apparently, I am predictable. But I'm somewhat okay with this, because it's predictable in things that I'm content with, like, how I'd rather pursue a relationship then a fling, and how I'm happier with fewer relationships then a lot. I ended up having to get off the bus right into pouring pouring drench-you-through rain. It was kind of liberating. I walked through it, singing and kind of dancing, because nobody would see me and because I wanted to. Fun and spontaneous moments in life. What would we do without you?

I JUST WANNA LEAVE YOU

I kinda wish I was back in Blaine. Silly little town, with silly little people, and one special person. Funny, how all you need is that one person? Maybe that's how life is. It's kind of not fair. I miss Hong Kong for that exact reason, everyone was kept so closely together in those dorms, and god, it made life so simple. If I was lonely, I'd call up J and he and I'd be off for a walk in the park ten minutes later. I'd roll over and poke S and we'd have a talk about the nature of love. A would be there for laughs, and V would give me a call at 4 am just to say what's up. I miss it. I want it. I want J to be there for it. Home girl is strong, and I love her, but I'm scared that I found someone that I get long with so soul-consumingly, but she lives so far away. Makes me sad... Is it bad I kinda daydream off about what it would be like if I lived there? Work some finance job downtown, live in a charming apartment, with her, whoever else, grow plants on the balcony and walk everywhere. Haha. I'm crazy. Toronto's a quick approaching reality, and I'm not sure how braced I am for it.

I DON'T WANNA HOLD YOU

S is freaking out. I don't know what's up, but he's going crazy. Emotionally. I suspect. I wonder where he's at? S drops but in the morning, and she's brought be soup because I'm sick the other day, and we consult the boys from different perspectives. I don't know why she's still dating M. Sounds like he's getting increasingly bad, but the funny thing is, when I hear from S it sounds like really, S is the one not doing anything. I guess it all boils down to the way you look at it. I certainly don't miss that part of relationships. Fictitious works of gossip flying every which way. I don't know - at least she's in one, but I'd rather be single then with someone who makes me mad. But arguments are supposed to be a normal part of relationships. The shit we put ourselves through - the excuses made when you're in love. She leaves. M apparently only then reaches back out to S. Funny... he's so angry and worried. He won't tell me why. I'm worried.

MY SOUL IS CRYING

The next month is so busy. Everyone is on vacation, and I'm one of the few people left at work to fill hours. On the plus side, I'll make loads of money. Loads of it. Finally. On the bad side, I'll be so busy... which is annoying when I've managed to build up a site that's flourishing so well. I'm writing tons and tons and tons, and I'm happy, I really am, but god, I wish it wasn't so much work. I wish there wasn't such petty drama associated with it. I wanna pick up. I wish K would follow through and help start that business. He has someone to introduce me to, A, who wants to start import and export out of Korea. I'm game. I need something, anything, to feel more useful then I do now. Sigh... I'm no longer as angry about this as I was before. Perhaps I've fallen into a routine. I need to save myself.

SO SAD...

So really, this has to be one of my favourite MVs ever. It's by Epik High, featuring K.Will, and it's called Music is my Life. Not only is the song ridiculously amazing, there's something about just... the way it's shot, and how everything is put together that really makes me smile every time I see it. Sometimes it's about more then you think.

NU ABO

It's a weird time for me. I'm sleepy all the time now. I've been going to job interviews, more and more. Sigh... Nothing of note so far. I'm spend my days sleeping. I work at nights. It's not too bad though, I'm trying to keep myself up by napping, and being positive. A good attitude goes a long way, right? I've been playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIII, which is fun but mannn, it's taking forever to get anywhere! I got my enhanced drivers license in the mail, so I'm absolutely set for my trip to Seattle now, whee, so happy! I can't wait, to be honest, there's so much to look forwards to. I watched a good movie recently called Malice in Wonderland, a really great indie film. Haunting. Very witty... I miss films like this. Everyone seems so quiet lately, and I feel almost like I'm walking through the woods in the middle of winter - sound is just... sucked away. Maybe I'm just in a weird mind-space...

QUIET STORM

Today's another day... I'm free from Toronto, a wonderful place to visit and go home to, but I'm not able to live there anymore. Life is different you know? I guess I'm just losing what I used to care about, because it'll never measure up to the Hong Kong I remember. Funny, because I met up with A while I was in Toronto, and she expressed the same hesitancy. Shout out to you, A-Baby, cuz I know you're still stalking this, apparently. But yes... I'm back now, and it's really clear that I need a second job. I've been applying like crazy, and we'll see what comes back to me now. God help me. I don't have the right to be idle, and bills bills bills are breathing down my back. Sigh. Back on that grind, yo. True story.

CLOUDS

Sigh. 2 out of 3 exams are done! I'm feeling a lot more relaxed on that all now, since the worst, the math, is over. Thank god! I don't have to look at math for a while to come!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!! Heehee. Studying was fun too, because I was with R and A and a bunch of other people. It was enjoyable, really... a lot of teasing back and forth, but a good group overall. Summer clique! Well, R and A at least. Though I think it'll be trouble, hahaha, because A likes to make fun of me but in a cool way I guessss... never seen a boy run that fast after insulting me. Good times! Now I just have to find some meaning within everything... haha. And not forget to keep hoping for something brilliant!

NOT ALL OF US BECOME ROCK STARS AND BALLERINAS

Last night was stressful. I appeared at C's all jacked up and nervous for the exam. He sits me down - asks me if I've had anything to drink. I say no and he gets me a glass of water, some cookies, and sleeping medication, telling me that he's going to drive me home ASAP because I was losing touch. And it's true, because when we were reviewing the homework I just picked a fight with him for no reason at all other then the fact that I was strung out from lack of sleep and food, and just couldn't relax. I was just stressed... but I went home and followed his advice as best I could, though I ended up worrying about J for a couple hours before bed because of a fight that sparked and resolved, bright, then dark. This is life, and so it goes...

THE DEVIL'S TRYING TO ENTERTAIN US

So yesterday I was in the student lounge with R studying away. In the end, though, we ended up watching Gorillaz videos on my laptop, and debating the rise and fall of their artwork, music style, and the people who collaborate with them. Robot Noodle's cool I guess, but the new personality they gave her annoys me. But that said, there's something so beautiful about the videowork they put in, and the style of music. I love that Mos Def is on their new single... I love that they had to be badass and have Bruce Willas chasing them down in a car, Deathproof style. I love the homage paid by them in all their songs to so many of the little abstract things I love!

DON'T GIVE ME THAT BOO-HOO-HOO SHIT

So with exams ending so soon, I've been getting my ass onto finding another job. It's necessary! I applied to 20 different ones today. I want to do more customer relations or sales stuff... I love it! Because I get to be energetic and social, and that's what I like doing best. I've been talking to S about all her job searching, and she's stressing me out a little bit. But now she's given up, I think, she isn't really giving me the whole story on it, but she's going to start her own marketing company. I wish her all the luck! And I'm hoping I'll be able to watch and learn from her experience in it all.

THE CLOUDS ARE IN THE SKY...

XEPY's Pandora Disk album was finally made available!!! I love it... oh my god I love it... J showed it to me the night leading into my International Accounting class, and I was just so incredibly in love with the song G.O. with Maslo, Vasco and K.Jun. I've been listening to it on my walks over the bridge to get to C's house at night, and it kind of puts me more at ease. Happy house beat, energetic, club mix kinda jam. It's getting me in the mood for summer - more then the weather, I have to say.

THERE'LL BE SUNSHINE

Dumbfounded, Jay Park and Clara Chung released their new single together! I actually quite like it, and I'm dying to see it done love... you have to peep it if you can, because this shit's real! Haha, though is it bad I'm more excited to see Kero One at the concert? =x I'm definitely willing to scream "I tried to find your record label in San Franciscoooo, I LOVE YOU!!!" because yes, his music was a cornerstone to my Hong Kong experience. Me and S just sitting in our room listening to 'In All The Wrong Places', because I loved Kero One and she loved a boy who loved Kero One. Fun times. Fun... but in the meantime, check out 'Clouds'!

MISS. UNDERSTAND

Long day... long long day. Wake up in the morning, and I've begun to feel as if already, things are at a standstill, that sense in which things have become routine, and in this, I am made extremely unhappy with this. Why? Because I don't like feeling as if I've become rooted down. I want to be made uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. There's so much I want to do... that I want to accomplish, and I feel as if it's not possible here. The present of this place seems to drag you down, and I doubt my happiness here. Not that I'm sad, or down, or depressed. Just contemplative of my future. I am graduating, after all. The adult world awaits: and the prospect of it is both frightening and exciting. I hope Stephanie follows through. It'd be nice to have a friend in Shanghai with me. The idea of having nobody that I know while I'm there... scares me. Secretly. A lot.

BECAUSE OF OUR AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP

I fought with J last night. Why? She's seeming distant, and it upsets me a little. Why? Well... I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm being bitter with her because I'm resentful that she isn't posting, and it's like, well damn girl, didn't you bust up on my ass to post ASAP, then said "I hope you won't try to get back at me for not posting in a while by taking a week"? Then have proceeded to write nothing in a week? Sigh. I mean, I get it. School, life, whatever. But it's so disparaging to hear that she's going to work on it and then nothing at all gets done. So last night I might have crossed the line because she was being so quiet with me, but at the same time, I felt like something had to be said about it. I chose my words poorly though. Sometimes, you misfire. And I didn't provide the quiet kill, no, I made it messy, and now I'm left thinking she's made embittered by my comment and will ignore me for a while. But as I said in my conversation with L on the matter, sometimes that's how things go. That, too, is life.

LIPS CLOSED TIGHTLY

I don't understand my father. Why he has to be so utterly disparaging about my internship opportunity. He tells me, "Why can't you just work with an organization in Ottawa, why can't you just stay with one that will give you travelling opportunities?". I come to him earlier today with news that my friend C got a job with Export Development Canada. I'm really happy for him. My father only looks at me saying "Well he'll be making more for you, and will have a chance to travel" and he proceeds to say that I'll be paid shit, and treated just the same while on my internship. And it's like... he hasn't listened to anything I plan to learn from this. I want to go forward, I want to know that I'll have the opportunity, and I need to do it while I'm young enough to be adventurous and fearless. I don't want to find a job here and just... settle. The nightmare of it consumes me. I don't think he understands how hurtful his comments are, and how they only serve to push me further away.

SHATTERED THE BITTERSWEET DREAM

Listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. Miss that feel, to be honest. There's something about those underground artists that sample the classics, jazz, soul, and I'm left a little breathless by the poetry and soliloquy presented to me. I feel so inferior in comparison in terms of skill. I often quote the lyrics when I write, because I feel their turn of phrases unloved, and I want to put it into some arena where at least someone will read them. Who knows if they are? It's more for me then anything. That's selfish but... that's why I write. Though I'm scared I'm losing my flair for it. C's up and writing again. She's so... fantastic. I don't think she understands the depth of it. Talking to her again makes me feel like the adult that I always pretend that I am. Actually feel it. She's an adult in a sense that always left me envious. I could never believe she was only a year older then me. Last night was interesting, we had a very in depth conversation, some exerts being:

C : the trick is not to overthink it

C : or let the fear carve out a permanent place

Z : i refuse to let it

Z : so even if i feel i'm not ready, i plan to approach my career the same way i appraoched losing my virginity - with a brave face, faking as if i know what to do until it feels right

C : hahahaha!

C : that is how life should be handled i feel

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY

I'm feeling a little ill. Stood outside in the cold for quite a long time today. I ate well - eggs (breakfast and dinner), an apple, banana, a little lean cuisine frozen lunch, and shrimp with soy sauce. I'm going to curl up and watch New York, I Love You in the early hours of my morning, after a nap and an injection of caffeine to help nurse me through the midnight hours so that I can study a little longer, push myself a little further. I'll work out a bit, make some tea, and keep going. Exams start next Thursday... I don't want to write them. I'm feeling quite broke, but I'll keep moving, and keep working. Hopefully my schedule will change for the better for work once exams are over. I'll be crossing my fingers. I leave off with a song I found from DJ Shinin' Stone, with Maslo and Keyreal. Love it!

RUN

Feeling kind of "oh my god" about life lately. Graduating in a month, and exams are coming up! Holy shit, right? There's only three, but I really have to get studying soon. It's just that the will to do so is nearly zero in me, I don't know. I should be focusing and really bringing it together. But I feel like I almost have 'tomorrow' syndrome because it's just like with these other internal promises I keep making with myself. I put it off longer and longer. But tonight I'm going to sit down and do a serious session between me and my slideshow notes. Then next with the textbook. The only person who can make things start is me! Tomorrow I'll hit up the gym as well, because I've been dying to do so. Also I'll try signing up with GoodLife as well for next month since my student gym coverage will run out. Sadface. But life's gotta get in order, and it's a serious investment of time and effort. Going to be an interesting time for sure.... for... sure...

TOUCH THE SKY WITH YOUR HANDS

Currently Skyping with S at the same time. She's all saying she wants to try to get into Shanghai with me now. How amazing would that be? It'll be me, and her, back in our Hong Kong days of fun, work, and leisurely taking life. We're discussing the growing up experience. We both seem out of it, tired, and utterly able to relate, and its times like this that I know for sure that I love her. Sigh.

FILLED WITH YOUR DREAMS

Must also find another job soon! I've got to get more moneyyyy!!! I've started applying but I know now is the worst time to find a job. God. And I have a horrible suspicion that I'm about to lose a shift at work because summer is coming. Aiiiish, cannot afford to do! Need gym membership, AIESEC fees, dental... so much to do, so little money. Things are going to get better though, I'll make sure of it.

WHAT AM I RUNNING TOWARDS?

I saw a movie last night. Pirate Radio. The best visual from that movie was when the boat was sinking, and there was just an array of vinyl albums just floating in masses... really beautiful stuff, actually. It was a sense of loss that I could understand in how the man that was swimming through it all, trying to clutch to his favourite albums, would want to risk life and limb for such a thing. His music was an essential extension of himself - he couldn't let those things simply go to waste. It was more then the physical possession of the album, it was all that it made him feel, all that made him realize what life was. And... yah. I loved that scene. Great movie, I felt it helped communicate that love for music even if the music they loved wasn't my style at all.

ABANDONED BY THE GALAXY

On a happy note though, one of my favourite groups, B2ST, just released a new MV today! It's for the song Say No. I loved it... and the MV is just beautiful, really. Eeee, I was so excited to watch it!!! Junhyung = definite sense of love. Heehee, excuse me while I fangirl the fuck out.

HEARTBREAKER

I'm here now. On my exchange! It's been a few weeks, and I love this place. It's beautiful. It's hot. It's sticky, it's dirty, it's wonderful. I'm so happy I've taken this chance because I really feel that this will help define me for years to come. I'm so... pleased! School's started, but I have so much of this place to explore. For example, I will be visiting the giant Buddha with one of my lovely roommates soon. Go climb and discover beaches. I've bought tickets to concerts, and have dined in back alley restaurants that have blown my mind. Everything is cheap, and everyone is happy. The money... none of it seems to matter. I'm so happy. Really, truly. I want to become the best version of myself, and here is a place to help define that.

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

A lot of great music has come out lately! G-Dragon's solo album, and the Big Bang Japanese album both were great, though I would have expected a little more. I find so many people here willing to listen to Korean music, so I'm pretty pleased. In fact, I've started a Korean drama club, where we get together after classes to watch Korean television shows in our common room. They're pretty hilarious... we're currently working through Partner, and then we've Boys Over Flowers, Full House, and Coffee Prince to kill off. It's going to be fun! And it's a great way to make friends? I find it really easy here. Like the mainland boys, they're so helpful and friendly in my dorm. I met most of them through my roommate S, who is an absolute doll. I'll be visiting her in South California now on my Reading Break because she swears I'll love it. I know I will - she's from there! My other roommate, A, is from my hometown. She's so proper, and sweet... hahaha, and all of us take turns playing the responsible one. It's the official Girlmance to define our exchange!!!

COCO BEFORE CHANEL

I honestly don't know why, but the trailer for this movie makes me tear up each and every time. I can't wait for it to come out... it looks fantastic, lovely, and just... it tugs at me. It seems special... and on the subject of movies, I recently saw Inglorious Basterds, which was amazing! Tarantino really knows how to put together a fantastic film - and it had all of his trademarks, including clever dialogue, and random bouts of violence. I didn't see the Apple cigarettes, but he did manage to work in his foot fetish which made me giggle. Can't wait for his next film! Please, jesus, let it be Sin City!

WE GETTIN DOWN IN THE CLUB

The nightlife here is indescribable. I swear to you, I get so sick when drinking because it's free. Always free. To get in, to drink, everything. How will I ever go back home? It seems so primitive now! I'm going to have to make the move here for work because I know myself, and I will never be satisfied now that I've had a taste of something better. Each night seems to overshadow the last.... be it going to a club, going for dinner, or just hanging out in the dorm room. It's really difficult to believe it's only been a week since I've arrived, because it feels like forever. And I'm still flying on that honeymoon high. I don't miss anyone yet... but it will come. But for now, I shall enjoy.

DOWNHILL

I keep letting weeks go by without writing anything here. I feel a little guilty. It's not that I've been distracted, really. It's too bad, because all that energy keeps getting bottled up into negative things, mostly because I begin using that free time to become concerned about smaller things that really don't matter. I start getting emotional... irrational. So, it's time to set myself back into line, because really, there is nothing worse then an overly wrought woman, is there?

FAMILY REUNIONS MAKE THAT HISTORY

It was a busy weekend for sure. I had my family reunion on Sunday, where there were about 100 members of my extended family, all packed into the basement of this church along Merivale. It was actually kind of... nice. I don't get to see many members of my family that often, and so it was great to finally get to know some of my second cousins on a closer scale and basis. After all, in my immediate family, there's only myself, my brother, my dad, my two aunts, one cousin, and my grandmother. And I'm not even close with the cousin, and less so with her mother. It's such a shame, you know? We're the only family we've got, yet we fight. Regardless, there was none of that at the reunion, with everyone seeming to be genuinely happy to see one another. I'm proud of my dad for organizing the whole thing, it really was a success. The food was great, the family was wonderful, and a lot of new bonds were made. I tried durian, mangosteen and rambutan for the first time ever. Amazing fruit, that. I can't wait to have it fresh, and from the country itself! I can't even really imagine it. Everyone just talked, ate, and helped to clean up. Instead of asking for money for a venue, we used money collected to donate to the church itself. It was all really lovely. The older second cousins around my age were all really laid back and cool, and then the younger ones were just way too cute to be real. I can't wait to do it all again, that's for sure!

A VISIT FROM THE VILLAGE FAR FAR AWAY

Of course, this would also be the weekend my lovely little miss C came to town. Back from the little village of Lethbridge. C has always been the mommy. As in, she's the one to straight up down and cuss me out if I do something stupid. All for my own good, of course, even if I don't always see it that way at the time. I was happy to have her come, but she really did pick a garbage time (what, with my reunion, and L being caught up with exams, and just people being really busy in general) but she could only get a certain amount of time off of work. Same with me, really. It's funny... we're all getting older, and the responsibilities are piling on. This is just another example of that. Her visit was markedly uneventful, as opposed to the past, where it was always party-party, rah-rah. We watched movies... stared at the television... ate out... gossiped... shopped... and it was all cool, you know? And it was great, because it was her, and I've missed her because she really is one of those people who will do what she says, and gives it to you straight. I swear, there really aren't enough people in this world that are like that. Gah, especially this one girl right now, who is quite honestly cutting it close to getting cut by me, because I do not like it at all when people tell me that they're going to do something, and then don't. Or worse, do the stuff they were supposed to do for you for other people, and then don't even address it with you. Sigh. It's so high school, and it's bothering me. But I gotta say, having C around was great, even if it was around the same time that the other C was leaving (I'll miss you) for Thailand. I have to take a page from her book, calm myself, let this little dramatic issues just be whatever the fuck they are, and not involve myself. Useless people don't need to me in my life, I swear, so if you don't make the grade, you don't make it. Little R, I loved you for a while, but this affair is growing cold. You aren't a C, that's for sure, and ya of course that's fine, but only if you're still cool to be with... and since it isn't fun anymore, really, maybe it is time to part ways with R. Friends like C and other C are hard to come by, but that's no excuse to waste my time on frivolous friendships.

STRESS AND PAIN JUST TO ENTERTAIN

I don't know why I'm stressed. Or rather, I do, and it's silly. Class is over... my final went well, and the top 5 have made their mark. Work is winding down... my contract ends next Friday. I have so much free time it's unreal. And it's killing me. I'm used to being busy all the time, all the time, you know? So suddenly having nothing is really throwing me. Work is absolutely dull, home is boring, and I end up with all this time caring about stuff that doesn't matter. Which I hate because it's stupid, and really such a waste of emotional energy. I'm back at the gym, going Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. 45 minutes of cardio, 25 minutes of weight training, 5 minutes of stretching. More, if I can. My water intake is up, and I just finished a 7 day cleanse that I think totally ruined my digestion, but we'll have to see. I've been eating like garbage the last 2 weeks (exacerbated by C's visit, other C's departure, and the family reunion), but that's back on too, with a nice 1,100 calorie diet. I'm halfway through the count, and halfway through the day, so that's encouraging. Breakfasts are always Special K, and 1% milk. I like to vary up my lunches, but usually Lean Cuisine, or soup, or whatever. Dinners are Special K, with milk and more soup if I can or another Lean Cuisine. It's totally joyless. But in combination with the exercise, hopefully it works out to me losing the weekend weight I gained from all the overeating and eating out. Gah, I need to lose that last 15-20 pounds, it is possible, and I can do it! FIGHTING. Haha, at the least, the cleanse is done. I'll be going to the gym tonight, a good hour and a half. The lucky thing is that I really enjoy my time at the gym, I just tune out listening to music, and do my thing. Then after the gym tonight, it's back home for some serious Persona 4 time (I gotta finish!), and maybe an additional bike ride later if I can help it, though I suspect it will be late. We'll see, we'll see. But really, now, it's time to get serious and get in shape. I have to come back from HK looking ridiculously amazing, haha, that's my goal for sure.

WORK IT OUT, MAKE IT COUNT, DO IT UP

Work... is... totally... dragging. There's nothing to do. Really, absolutely nothing. I sleep here, I talk a lot, I send a million e-mails a day to S (LOVE YOU FOR KEEPING MY LIFE INTERESTING), and really do nothing else. It's like I just sit here... and the boredom is pure murder. I like to be busy. I like to do things. I couldn't ever work here full time. That said, I'm praying that they hire me back when I come back to Ottawa in January. The money is good, and it goes towards paying off my OSAP loan. It also helps me figure out if I can go back to Asia again, mostly because I want to go kick it there in the summer after classes end. I have 3 semesters to do 8 courses (plus 2 that I want to retake, so 10) so I'll be able to space liberally, and study for my LSATs like a beast. I might retake more classes, if possible... really, my CGPA is in the shit, and I have to do all I can to salvage it. Of the 10 courses required to get another option in finance, only 6 of them are finance related, because I've done the rest - and then 2 of those, I'll be doing in the winter semester. So 4... and then 4 adm related courses. I want to redo my intermediate accounting class, and my psychology class. I want to redo International Business too, if I can, god my mark was dreadful for a course I knew so much about. It's go time, and I have to do what I can to make myself marketable... though my mother's confusing me, telling me now that I don't need two undergraduates, and it's ridiculous that I'm doing another year (5 years) when most people around the globe do their degree in 3 years. I'm doing a double option! I could have graduated on time if I had figured this out sooner, but I didn't... now I need to use the time to have my grades claw their way upwards, and study, study, study like a demon for the LSATs. My placement could make up the difference... I'm smart, and capable, and I can do this. I'll talk with her more on the issue tomorrow - though isn't it funny I place so much weight in her opinion on education when she didn't do post-secondary schooling herself? Hmm...

MIND ON MY MONEY, MONEY ON MY MIND

Money is a huge issue right now. I need more of it. Seriously. Hong Kong is going to be expensive, and having my visa application denied hurt. I need it, I want it, I have to have it. It's freaking me out that the OSAP is already going to be released only in the middle of September, and that my dad is refusing to help when he just bought himself a really freaking unnecessarily expensive car is making me furious. Mum's giving me money, straight out, on top of the fees she's giving me already for the plane ticket and my housing, which is great of her. I don't know what to do, because I quite honestly need something done to get more cash into my accounts before I take off. At this rate, I'll have to do some under the table work in HK to make up the difference... sigh. Waitressing can't be that hard, can it? I'll work in the foreigners district or something. Yup. Or something.

HE'S JUST PLAYIN' THIS GIRL, AND SHE IS THINKIN' THE SAME

It's only 18 days until it's time to get out of here. I'm freaked out. I'm excited. I'm tasting heaven and dreading hell. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I don't know who I'll be at the end of it all. I just know it's happening, it's real, and I have to face it head on. It's time to become an adult... and honestly, I can't think of anything more frightening. I don't know if I'm ready for this, if it'll be easy, or hard. But we'll have to just wait and see... which is hard for someone so impatient like me! I'll get there, don't worry. The pace is faster then I would have expected, but God knows, I need this more then I need air.

FANATICAL

Sigh. I've fallen behind on posting again. Things are just busy, but not, so it's hard to really put down excuses when we're talking about a personal blog, for me. Thank god it isn't another assignment is all, I guess. I kind of liked being able to break things down into topics like I did last time, since really, there are so many things that I end up involving myself in that it's insane, and hard to really organize any other way. So let's begin?

C AND WATCHING THE WATCHMEN

C, baby, if I cared about you in a way other then friendship, we'd be perfect together. Thanks for dragging me out last night, drinking with me (and making my drinks weaker, although only after some pleading on my part), and watching that awesome movie. Thanks for hitting on me, because it was kind of cute, even though we both feel nothing and it's just for fun. Thanks for driving around with me for an hour just listening to old school Gorillaz and Radiohead, while we talked about our upcoming exchanges, the philosophy and reasons why behind them, and where we're gonna be. The rain coming in through the open windows of the car that you insisted on, the both of us getting soaking wet but not caring, sobering up in those glistening moments. You're one of the few people who really tell it to me straight, and I appreciate you so much for this. When you tell me that I'm going to be successful, I really believe you because you wouldn't bullshit like that. Real shit, no talk, right? You're the kind of guy my dad tells me I should date (mentioned by name, no less), and you know, he's right, you're that right kind of person exactly. You're just not it for me, is all. But you're that person I'll be comparing others to, and maybe I'll tell you that one day if you weren't already so cocky. But you know, even if I didn't say it to you in the car last night, you're right, I'm probably a lot more down to earth and honest with other people because we spend so much time hanging out. I was being a spoilt princess when we first started hanging out, because I was in that painful place where I wasn't really sure how to reconcile the breakup with what everyone was saying. You always just listened, and kicked me when I was blabbering too long about it, and we'd just get high and watch the stars... I needed those things then. Thanks for giving them to me. Thanks for always shutting me down when I need to be, and being a great friend. Even if you say you don't believe in things like love, affection, relationships, I hope that you do find that spark and desire for it while you're in Thailand like you said, because really, you will make someone very happy one day, and you deserve to have someone make you very happy as well. Thanks for making me feel like a kid, a girl, and a woman at all the right moments. Here's to the times you've carried me over puddles, made me food, told me that I was an idiot, and warned me about guys I shouldn't chase. Thanks, C, for being you.

SOUNDTRACK TO A LOST FILM

This soundtrack is amazing. Done by DJ Pe2ny and Tablo (together known as Eternal Morning), it's a instrumental album that just SPEAKS to you. The titles of the songs are things like Rainclouds in my Room, and Holden Caulfield, Fingerprints... and you know, the songs that correspond to them really fit. The song that really got me was Father's Watch, I think I actually teared up the first time I heard it. I'd love to see someone set a bunch of mini-stories to these songs. I think it would be amazing - a truly worthwhile project. I think the album is beautiful... and I'd love to see these two amazing artists collaborate again. I mean ya, Epik High just dropped Remixing the Human Soul (their remix and re-cute album of some of their songs) but it doesn't have that gentle touch to it like this album. I really feel when I hear it. I think it's the kind of music that makes a difference, and cares about itself rather then how many copies it sells. It's art - pure and simple. And I love it. I could honestly write an entire blog post just on each song, how they make me feel, and how I think they just work. But... while I had plans, like everything, they don't always work.

CLIQUES, THE A-LIST, WHATEVER

Dear fucking Jesus in heaven, I've had enough of this high school crap. I'm mad that you're going to giggle off with one person, and ignore the hard work put in by another. Cait... you shouldn't have been shut down the way you were by those girls, it was wrong, and you are so much better then that. And while I want to blame it on their age, their lack of experience and exposure, whatever, it can be put down that at times, some people are just rotten. We all have our moments... but I hope you don't keep feeling sad. You're wonderful - and I care too much to let some stupid young children get you down on yourself.

THE JOB, THE FINANCES

It's coming up... the exchange. In one month today, I'll be landing in Hong Kong. I'm scared - I'm elated. I worked it all out, and between my two jobs, my OSAP, my loans, and whatever else, I'll have the money I need by August. I'm worried though, at the same time, because once I'm out of money, I'm out, and I'm screwed! There's a lot of stuff I want to do while I'm there... places to see, people to meet, boys to flirt with, things to buy... experience, basically. It'll be the longest I've ever been away from home, and I need to grow up a little, personality and maturity wise. I'm a weak person - I try too hard with others and I find it hard to relax and be myself. I want to be able to say 'fuck convention', and really mean it instead of saying it for showy reasons, which is honestly how it is most of the time. I take things too seriously... I got to lighten up. There's a lot of things I need to work on, but hopefully this will help guide the way. Haha... I want to be the best version of myself possible, I guess. Isn't that a natural desire? I think I can do it. I want it, breath it, work for it, but I think the dedication is waning. I need to reinvigorate myself. China, baby, be that inspiration for me. But it's hard to think of that while I'm still doing work. It's so boring here right now... but I think when the contract ends and I'm in Toronto (hopefully enjoying some sun!?) it'll really hit me.

THE PARTY'S IN TOWN, WHERE ARE YOU?

So my girl C is coming into town next Thursday from Lethbridge, and I'm pretty keen to see her. She's like... well... male C! Very straightforward and honest. I like her a lot - I was really sad when she left to go move away for university. I know this means I'll be drinking more, going out every night, and living that bad lifestyle, but for the both of us that kind of thing is a rarity. It's meant to be shared with close friends, rather then just doing it for the sake of it; I think I forgot that before. But, being on better bearings, I'm happy she'll be here. I hope it's a good trip, because for L and me (both housing her in the time she's here) it's busy, with me handling my family reunion, and L handling her exams. What a week it's going to be! She'll be here Thursday afternoon... I'm thinking treats for dinner, unpacking, cleaning, and just being! Movies, maybe, even. L and I are getting to be better friends too, so the awkwardness that trailed C's last visit should be all but gone. I love L, but sometimes, girl, you're so dense and you have to realize the things you say, and how you say them, can come off as rude and not 'blunt', like you say. But that's kinda past, isn't it? I'm excited. The funny thing is, Q is also apparently coming into town that weekend. I will not be getting together with him. He's bad in the ways that aren't good for me, and I'm planning on just letting him stay with A and be bored or party or whatever. I've got my hands full and I don't need his drama! Especially since I don't know if R is coming with him or not. That would be trouble and a half. I haven't even spoken to either of them in months, so I don't know why Q, at least, is playing buddy buddy. I'm not selling what you're looking for, kid, so... off with you.

FINALS HAVE ARRIVED

And the last item on the agenda is the final presentation that I've got to do for my class. I'm terrified - I'm worried I'll make some stupid mistake and fail the class. It's not an option. But I'm piss-my-pants kind of scared over it. I can't wait to be done with it, and I'm going to practice practice practice all weekend until I nail it down tight. I CAN DO IT!!!

PAPARAZZI

Who we are in private is sometimes someone completely different than what others think.

Things have settled into a pretty nice routine. Summer's getting on, and it's kind of just passing me by. Which, while it sucks, is kind of nice in a way, to bury myself completely in work again. Of course I'm doing it all for the money (otherwise I'd give myself a bit more of a break) but if I wanted to, I could give myself a bit of an out - it turns out that I'm eligible for a little over $13,000 from OSAP. What a relief! Now the problem comes in the form of how to make the claim work. Since we technically have to say we're almost entirely living off of child support... I mean, to be honest, I don't know where the money is coming from. I don't know how we afford how we live, and maybe that should scare me a little. It's a bit damn irresponsible to be honest. Sigh. We'll have to see if my claim processes. I just want $4,000-6,000 of the money, the rest I think, hopefully, I'll be able to have from the work I've been doing myself.

I watched a pretty interesting show today called the 100 Mile Challenge. The premise basically talks about how people in the city of Mission (which I think is in British Columbia) have to eat food purely produced from 100 miles around the city. I'm kind of tempted to try it, but it looks difficult at the same time. We're talking no coffee, no sugar, hardly and fruit, no milk... I would love to try regardless. For a couple of weeks, I don't know if I could last the whole 100 days they do in the show. But it's truly a life change. Not simply something to just... try. It's revolutionizing the way you eat, and I think I'm just a bit apprehensive of that. But the families that were featured in the show were interesting. There was one, the Mcintoshes, that dropped out the first day. The husband was unwilling to commit. I could tell the marriage was in trouble, from the moment the husband wouldn't come home to spend his last pre-100 mile meal with his family. Just... stayed at work. Didn't even seem to care. I wonder how people stay in a marriage like that, where one party just openly is disinterested in the efforts of their partner... I wish her luck. The wife, that is. She looked just so sad...

I'm dying! School's been pretty difficult lately, and I've finally chosen my final topic. I'll be talking about Nintendo, who, despite the number one position, could be doing better. And better exemplifies business then talking about making even more exorbitant amounts of money? I've got a good idea of what I want to do with it, and I'm just crossing my fingers that it translates well - thankfully I've found a good amount of research already. What gets me down, however, is how my TA for the class blatantly told me that it was almost impossible to get more than 75% on any of the written reports. I hate that. How it's simply designed to make you fail. What's the point then? You're not rewarding intelligence, merely picking at the technicalities of it. That's not how business is done... is it? On that, I hate my topic for this week, which is based around trying to convince corporations to make the switch to Windows Vista. 3 days after a top Microsoft executive publicly stated that people should just wait for Windows 7. Fuck my life.

I cooked dinner tonight too. I felt pretty proud of it - pesto and pepper crusted tilapia, served with steamed spinach, sliced asian pear, baguette and lite cheese spread over it. Yummy! I'm committed to cooking more myself, and being healthy about it. It kind of sucks, but what can you do? I decided all this a couple of nights ago. I was hanging out with C, and he and I randomly decided to go find a park. We ran around the play structure, before settling on the space suspended in the air where the connective tube was (just chilling out on top of it) and talking about life. That kid rocks. We were both so tired after we just kind of fell asleep watching a movie he picked out - and so continues C's keen ability to pick out shit movies.

I've been getting to know someone new lately. He seems like a really nice guy, and it's a good change of pace. He keeps up an amazing conversation, and it doesn't feel overwhelming. He has GOT to be my musical twin. I mean... we keep talking music, and he's got all the same music I do (even the obscure, eclectic stuff!) and when we're playing stuff for one another over Skype, and mention an artist, we always pre-guess the song the other is going to play. What's up with that! It's pretty funny. I can say it's good to meet someone new, but I feel kind of bad since he's one of my brother's friends. He's nice though, haha, so I know I shouldn't feel bad... but it's something that happens regardless at times. I've been so shut in at work that I haven't had the chance to meet anyone new so I guess I'm just happy with it.