SO YOU CAN GO TO SLEEP

It's been a while! But it takes a while to get things on track sometimes, I find. I moved to Toronto! It's really nice to be home, to be back. Things are good! I now see people I haven't in a while, and the change of environment is heartening. I've been speaking to people I've lost touch with, applying for jobs, and really just... loving it. I've recently begun reading Out by Natsuo Kirino, and I really loved it! It's pretty gritty and unapologetic... I'm thinking I might pick up a few more of her books. I saw Scott Pilgrim vs The World last night and it was a really cute homage to Toronto. It's nice to know I'm getting a lot of opportunity now to catch up with V now that I'm back. Wish me luck! Time to plunge back into life!

HELLO AND GOODNIGHT

Cruising down the highway, smoothly switching lanes as the hip-hop I pour through headphones bumps along, I can't help but think, I'm so god damn lucky to be alive. With music I have everything I need. I look to the future, one in which I am a midnight road warrior and my speakers radiate pure sound. Where humanity may fail me, music never will. Let it be known, world, I'll take all you throw at me so long as you don't degrade my love, my life, my essence... my music.

DEDICATED TO FOREVER HUSTLE

Oh my goodness, it's another week in the life. I wonder what's pushing me, but I realize I'm zombie-ing. Should I be okay or frightened by this? Who knows, who knows. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and moving onwards, ever onwards. Let's see what's up, baby.

LET ME REENACT
I'm edgy. And I don't really know how to act. But it feels like I'm off on some drum-line, recreating what is right within the lines of this pencil sketch drawing. I feel like I should be far more impressive then I am, and it makes me look forward into ways I can accomplish said goal. I joined the gym with S today, and I'll be going after work. Goal A. Get to a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to the bank to settle some bills. Goal B. Get life paid off. My SIN card arrives in the mail, under my new name, and I'm thinking, wonderful. Goal C. Call up OSAP and start to pay your debt off. Now I just have to get ahold of Apple so I can get onto Goal D: getting my laptop properly fixed. Who knows? Maybe today when I call I'll get someone to act and get it replaced already. Bloody customer service.

THE FEELING OF NOT FEELING YOUR HEART BEAT
Strange is in the cards, and I'm thinking, I should call my mother. Why? I see the news of fire, of chaos, of bloody reins coming down in Toronto, and I worry for her. Is she alright, are things okay? I wonder about the nature of our relationship, and why, of all times, when my child support is no longer an issue for her, that she chooses to ask me to move in with her. It seems a big decision, and so unlike her. I thought we didn't get along? As people rather then a functional family - in that respect, she has failed long ago. I'm curious to see where this goes... and with so many luring me to the city I was born in, I wonder if there's a point to staying in Ottawa beyond family. And friends. I just... can't stand being here anymore. Maybe this is a good change.

JUST LIKE A HEART ATTACK
I wait for justice, and justice does not come. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm losing my touch on things, and I'm no longer sharp. I read what I write and I'm no longer impressed. I think I need to find a good book, settle in a coffee shop with my iPod, and let myself get intimate with my literary side. I'm missing when time was infinite, and the skies were blue. It rains, always rains here. I look at puddles on the ground and wonder if I ever left Washington. But I have a feeling if I were there I wouldn't feel so listless... but I would feel more hopeless in a place where work is impossible, and a Work Visa is more so. I laugh... because California was once the dream of so many, and mine, but now it's impossibly far. S, I'm sorry you cried last night. But I do think about you. Every day. And J, though you're mind isn't around when you're tired, I'm always ridiculously happy when you're there, even when you're mad. I need to call V and see where he's going, because I want to go to Mexico with him and escape. Escape. But find myself.

CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE
Loving it, loving it... something about Mellow's voice just sends shivers down my spine.

BOO

Man, sometimes I realize I'm a massively selfish bitch. Sigh. Whining about myself when really, it's not always about you. I have to stop feeling sorry, and start doing: S, watch out, I'll be calling you for dinner if you're free.

FREESTYLE

You know, sometimes I'm left wondering... what am I doing?

LITTLE THINGS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

You know it's funny, I don't think I was supposed to see what I did. I think I wouldn't have if she hadn't drawn attention to something smaller. I wonder if she knows? But I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wonder if I should even. I mean it's not a fight that hasn't been fought, it's not words that haven't been said, so why do I feel down and a bit pained nonetheless? I shouldn't. It's petty of me, but I just want to go and ask 'well what else do you want from me?' When does it become so one sided? Why am I even feeling like that? It's selfish of me. I mean apart of me really isn't surprised... and I hate that. And it's compounding beyond a single issue. I'm feeling rather ignored for someone else and it sort of feels like a slap in the face because I'm not being given any sort of explanation on it, but I know it's also not my place to say anything either. Yet... I know the same courtesy isn't extended my way. But just because of that, I know I shouldn't be... upset. I just... don't know. I really know. Instantly, my mood is spoiled beyond the simple boredom of the night, and I'm kind of left like... unsure. Of what to do, what to say. And it's quite an unthrilling experience.

What kind of bites too is that it's sort of clear that I'm not happy. And she doesn't really do much to pursue it. The child and the adult in me are warring, because I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't start questioning why, why I'm upset. I shouldn't be upset that she's having lively conversation with someone else. I understand that adults sometimes need space in order to cool down, and re-evaluate positions, and life, and self. But the child in me doesn't want to understand, and angrily wants more, attention, something. I wonder how long this is going to last. I wonder if it'll get brought up. Night two down of this, and I guess only extended time will tell.

LET THE SPEAKERS DRIP

I just had the most emotional two-punch of a shuffle play on iTunes... Feather by Nujabes, followed by Sad Movie by Minos and Soulman. Guh... if my heart wasn't aching enough before, it certainly is now. I like the way music makes me feel, even if it isn't always warm. I'm wondering when I'll meet someone that I'm in love with who I can talk to about that. The little kicks and snares in a song that just capture you, those lyrics that just move you, those little hitches in a voice that disturb you. I listen to the chatter in the background of some of the songs, and I just feel like I can RELATE to these people. Their passion, their love, their need. I'm left wondering why I don't know more people like this beyond J and S. On that note, S seems to have disappeared... I leave her notes on her Facebook, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm a little worried... I wonder if she's gotten herself off on the lithium she's taking now. I'm guilty of not going after her harder. I think maybe Toronto really is a good idea for a little while at least. V... you know how I feel right now, don't you? It's scary out there, and I'm being swallowed up. You came back with me. You know it. The fear that we've peaked, and will no longer be 'fantastic'. I feel like a coward.

FIST IN THE AIR FOR INDEPENDENT MUSIC

I wonder when I stopped being observant. God... S tells me today about the depression, and I should have seen it. I mean I knew something was wrong, but now it's like... when did I lose it? What happened to me? When did I become 'that friend' who ignored all the warning signs, and allowed that friend to slip through the cracks without reaching out? I'm so disappointed in myself it's unreal. I became the bad friend. I became the thing I loathe most.... and I don't really know how to make it better. I'm sorry, S, I know you'll read this and tell me it's okay, but I know in a deeply fundamental way, it's not, and I did something very wrong by not catching it sooner and calling you to come over. Instead I handled it poorly, on msn, with badly aimed words and a brush off that was cold, too cold. I should have been better, because you deserve that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll be better. If the medication isn't working, homie, I'm here because you don't have to feel like you're lonely. Your friends love you. I know it's not the affectionate love you're craving, and I know you know and feel like it's an unreasonable loneliness, but it's there, and it's real, and if you're feeling it, I'll step up and be there. I fucked up. I won't do it again.

REACH NEW HEIGHTS WHILE WE PASS THE TREES

Work is getting super intensive. I'm about to face 3 straight weeks of short-staffing situations, where I'm bound to make some good money, and run to exhaustion. I doubt there will be much understanding, comprehension, or kindness involving this and the people I know, but that's to be expected. I'm not even mad, I just accept it, laugh it off, and go go go! I'm just hoping I don't get super sick at the end of this. I have to see T, C, S, R, S, B and K sometimes next week. One a day? Time to be super powered! Hopefully I'll have a legitimate schedule pinned down starting tomorrow. M is being a total spazz and making it impossible to do much planning because she hasn't given her other work schedule over to us so we can make the fixed schedule. C is getting PISSED because I never seem to have a day to give him. Legitimately... miss that kid. He's got a way of cheering me up like no other. What is with all my bitchassness anyways? I need to snap out of it. Tomorrow I'll find something to make me smile smile smile and be normal. Maybe I'll ask if I can have ice cream on the way home? I don't know how you can feel sad when you're licking coconut and pineapple sherbet from Baskin Robins.

WE DOING BIG THINGS

I wonder if I'm making more miscalculations of judgement then I'm admitting. The idea is frightening. I'm getting anxious - nervous - scared. I'm going to try to call V soon for an emotional consult. And S. J seems to be gone, gone, gone, and I don't know where he's gone. I can't help that these relationships are breaking because I'm not doing more. The idea makes me feel sick. I need to reverse this trend.

LET THE STREETS SING

So there's a new movie coming out in August. Looks absolutely amazing, and after three different trailers, and reading the whole comic book series, I'm so pumped for it. C-c-check it.

TODAY, OR NEVER

Today was one of those 'feel good' days. I got together with T after work, after getting so many of my documents updated. We went to have frozen yogurt, walked around the mall, and eventually settled on going for pho in Chinatown. It was pouring rain outside, and slightly chilly... I didn't bring an umbrella. I'm not thoughtful like that. But T is! He brought an extra large one and we managed to navigate the lonely night world with a high success rate. Not only that, but he bought me prescription circle lenses. I'm so happy! Pho tasted amazing... and secret exchanges of information were a necessity. Apparently, I am predictable. But I'm somewhat okay with this, because it's predictable in things that I'm content with, like, how I'd rather pursue a relationship then a fling, and how I'm happier with fewer relationships then a lot. I ended up having to get off the bus right into pouring pouring drench-you-through rain. It was kind of liberating. I walked through it, singing and kind of dancing, because nobody would see me and because I wanted to. Fun and spontaneous moments in life. What would we do without you?

I JUST WANNA LEAVE YOU

I kinda wish I was back in Blaine. Silly little town, with silly little people, and one special person. Funny, how all you need is that one person? Maybe that's how life is. It's kind of not fair. I miss Hong Kong for that exact reason, everyone was kept so closely together in those dorms, and god, it made life so simple. If I was lonely, I'd call up J and he and I'd be off for a walk in the park ten minutes later. I'd roll over and poke S and we'd have a talk about the nature of love. A would be there for laughs, and V would give me a call at 4 am just to say what's up. I miss it. I want it. I want J to be there for it. Home girl is strong, and I love her, but I'm scared that I found someone that I get long with so soul-consumingly, but she lives so far away. Makes me sad... Is it bad I kinda daydream off about what it would be like if I lived there? Work some finance job downtown, live in a charming apartment, with her, whoever else, grow plants on the balcony and walk everywhere. Haha. I'm crazy. Toronto's a quick approaching reality, and I'm not sure how braced I am for it.

I DON'T WANNA HOLD YOU

S is freaking out. I don't know what's up, but he's going crazy. Emotionally. I suspect. I wonder where he's at? S drops but in the morning, and she's brought be soup because I'm sick the other day, and we consult the boys from different perspectives. I don't know why she's still dating M. Sounds like he's getting increasingly bad, but the funny thing is, when I hear from S it sounds like really, S is the one not doing anything. I guess it all boils down to the way you look at it. I certainly don't miss that part of relationships. Fictitious works of gossip flying every which way. I don't know - at least she's in one, but I'd rather be single then with someone who makes me mad. But arguments are supposed to be a normal part of relationships. The shit we put ourselves through - the excuses made when you're in love. She leaves. M apparently only then reaches back out to S. Funny... he's so angry and worried. He won't tell me why. I'm worried.

MY SOUL IS CRYING

The next month is so busy. Everyone is on vacation, and I'm one of the few people left at work to fill hours. On the plus side, I'll make loads of money. Loads of it. Finally. On the bad side, I'll be so busy... which is annoying when I've managed to build up a site that's flourishing so well. I'm writing tons and tons and tons, and I'm happy, I really am, but god, I wish it wasn't so much work. I wish there wasn't such petty drama associated with it. I wanna pick up. I wish K would follow through and help start that business. He has someone to introduce me to, A, who wants to start import and export out of Korea. I'm game. I need something, anything, to feel more useful then I do now. Sigh... I'm no longer as angry about this as I was before. Perhaps I've fallen into a routine. I need to save myself.

SO SAD...

So really, this has to be one of my favourite MVs ever. It's by Epik High, featuring K.Will, and it's called Music is my Life. Not only is the song ridiculously amazing, there's something about just... the way it's shot, and how everything is put together that really makes me smile every time I see it. Sometimes it's about more then you think.

MY OH MY

In the end... money comes and goes. It's just money. Love life. Be happy. Smile. Laugh a little. Rediscover a friend. Lose another. Shed a tear for the words you couldn't say. Feel that regret. Move past it. Kiss the one you care about. Hold someone's hand. Stop hesitating - move forwards, always forwards.

YOU KNOW THAT I'M NO GOOD

I'm on my way to the airport - it's 5:30 am, and I can see dawn breaking over the Toronto skyline. It's beautiful in a way I don't know how to commit to words. I feel a little bit teary in the limo taxi my mother has ordered, my bare legs on smooth leather, all my bags beside me. It's a calm ride - I don't even pull out my iPod to listen to any music. I had a feeling I'd let those tears slip if I was. There's only so much I can handle in one go, emotionally. I just watch the cityscape run by. I love my hometown. Love it. There's a dirty and wonderful something to it that I think that people take for granted when they remain within the city. But for me, the girl that has both left, and returned, there's a tug at the heartstrings that remains unmistakeable. The flight itself is non-descript. I was cold for a lot of it - they now charge for blankets on Air Canada flights, and I think it's a shame. I couldn't sleep well last night out of excitement, so I slept then, catching precious few hours and waking up with a throat made scratchy by recycled air. Vancouver is flat... gray. I'm a little disappointed by this, because it's actually cold as well, making my hometown seem that much more elated in its predicted 38 degree hell that it plans to be today.

So here I am, on the bus while I wait to go across into the United States. I wonder what the boarder will be like. I've heard so many horror stories, but my previous experiences while on my way to New York were rather anti-climatic, and I pray for the same here. I think I like J's city because it's so... reminiscent of Canada, despite being in the States. The trees, unending stretches of it, remind me of those long drives to the cottage. One more hour! I can't wait.

SPIDERWEBS

It's 3:30 in the morning. I'm reading Bret Easton Ellis' The Informers and working out while listening to Epik High. 2 more days. And I'll be in Toronto, seeing my mother. I'll be in the salon, getting my nails done by Chinese women that I want to talk to but I don't know how to. It's more then language - I lack the ability to understand their suffering. I was born into a blank life of privilege and know nothing of real hardship. I am... listless. Still. I'm praying this trip cures me. Saves me. I want to feel loved by someone. Not anyone. Someone who understands me. I feel blessed because J is just that, even if it's not the romantic kind of love: but having someone understand me is relieving.

GOD BLESS THE SOUL

I talk today with J. It's a good conversation, it flows nicely, and we talk about a variety of things. I'm happy. I tell her some things I haven't told other people before. I'm left thinking: I'm jealous she has a mother that's been there for her. My own was absent from a lot of the major things in my life. My life lessons were taught by a string of unrelated friends and women in my life who passed on the awkward advice of their mothers. Some of the advice, I was too young to understand. Too young to implement. I wonder if I'm the sum of those parts. I wonder if I've failed as a woman, because I lack the understanding of the word 'mother', or at least the function of one. I wonder if I've missed out. And so I continue with my resolution to tell my father everyday that I love him - because he served as both when I needed it, and he's given me everything that she couldn't.

LET THIS COLD RAINSTORM RESURRECT THE SOUL

I read these books from Ellis, and I'm reminded how my own writing seems to emulate his style. I'm both deflated and elated, because I admire him a lot. He's one of those writers that shock you with his absolute defiance of convention, and his shallow mirroring of real life. He dreams. He lets you know that. I wish I could meet him... I'm very excited for his next book, the Imperial Bedrooms, which will be out in a month. It's the sequel to Less Than Zero, which I read one weekend at the cottage and cried to, because I felt it was both good and it left me feeling emotionally violated. I think that was a weekend in which I was having problems with P, because he left me alone for hours and hours, and reading was a nice way to cope. Emotionally unsteady. I think that's a good way to describe the 'me' from then.

DANCE WITH THE INFERNAL ONE

I talk to J and she tells me she thinks I'm a 'nice' person. I wonder if this is true. Or if it's the me that works in accordance to what I feel is a good thing to do, a good way to act. What is 'nice' really? Hah... Is it how we chose to be, or the things we chose to believe? I feel resentment. I'm selfish. I'm cold. I use people. But it's human. I'm human. I don't really believe in 'nice' and 'mean'. I think you should only live the way you feel you should live. Maybe I'm nice by her standards. Maybe by society's standards. But I don't do it for society really... I'm just... living. Be positive. Be happy. Make others happy. Send your love. Be loving. Be graceful. Make errors. Be messy. Be you... just... be you.

COLD BLUE LIPS CONFESSING TO ME

For all those in my life I love...

HUH (HIT YOUR HEART)

It's a good week to be alive!

Isn't it amazing how quickly time has moved on? It's only 3 sleeps until I'm in Toronto! Then another sleep from there until I'm in Blaine with my lovely J-baby! It's going to be an interesting time for sure, what, with the concert in Seattle on the 30th, and all the fun times between J's work and classes. Ahhh, how beautiful is it that I'm going to be there again? Fate, God's hand, whatever you want to call it. I'm going to have a blast, and of that, I'm certain.

BABY, YOU ARE KILLING ME

Mmmm, so Tuesday, I saw S. Boy's drowning in life, but keeping it together. We had a blast, just chilled back, had pho, and gossiped a shitload about the mutual friends we have. He's wonderfully acidic, and he's going to go far, that's for sure. Then we came here, and after some fumbling to get it to start, we watched Secret Dairy of a Call Girl - we even got through a season and a half in one night! Can't wait, when I get back, we'll be finishing it all. I'm so hyped for my next writing project, and this series is making it that much more worse, hahaha! Good research, I'll tell you that. Then Wednesday, I was with R, and we hung out, cooked at his apartment, and watched Modern Family. Then got ice cream from the store. God, I wish he didn't live so far, or we'd hang out more, but it's next to impossible when the kid's an hour and a half away in Nepean. Soooo jokes. But I love chilling with him, he's hella laid back. Sunday is S. She's going to come over for some fun in the sun and some movies, so that'll be enjoyable I'm sure. I'll make drinks, maybe we'll bake... you gotta balance life, you know?

I WANNA BE IN THE MAGAZINES

So projects! I've been asked to do a logo recently, and S from Cali's started a brand new marketing company that she wants me to help with. I've made a portfolio and sent it back to her to review, it's an exciting start to life. I can't wait, to be honest, it's a good start when other things haven't been going my way. The internship needs to find a home come my start into the real world. I'll be applying it up in my time in Bellingham while J works away, I'm sure. I'll be working hard! Fiiiighting~

I AM GONNA BE FAMOUS

Mmmm, I've been wondering of late the manner of life. I feel that the last 2 weeks were rather slow, but I blame my own lethargy that I've been suffering since the end of school. Why? I often sleep, and for far too long. I can no longer sleep at a normal time when getting to bed. I fear that I've ruined my sleeping habits, but I'm trying quite hard to shape them back into something resembling normalcy. All this over sleeping has left me feeling sleep hungover in the mornings... or the afternoons, rather. I'd like to piece myself into something more solid, and capable. I think it's affecting my cheerful outlook on life. 97% of life is about how you deal with things when they aren't going well. And now I need to get out of it. I think I can repair myself, hopefully, with this vacation.

KEEP IN MAH WAY

Have I mentioned how I'm in love with Cube Entertainment? Man oh man, I love 4 Minute and B2ST... and both are in the new MV they put out! So happy!

NU ABO

It's a weird time for me. I'm sleepy all the time now. I've been going to job interviews, more and more. Sigh... Nothing of note so far. I'm spend my days sleeping. I work at nights. It's not too bad though, I'm trying to keep myself up by napping, and being positive. A good attitude goes a long way, right? I've been playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIII, which is fun but mannn, it's taking forever to get anywhere! I got my enhanced drivers license in the mail, so I'm absolutely set for my trip to Seattle now, whee, so happy! I can't wait, to be honest, there's so much to look forwards to. I watched a good movie recently called Malice in Wonderland, a really great indie film. Haunting. Very witty... I miss films like this. Everyone seems so quiet lately, and I feel almost like I'm walking through the woods in the middle of winter - sound is just... sucked away. Maybe I'm just in a weird mind-space...

QUIET STORM

Today's another day... I'm free from Toronto, a wonderful place to visit and go home to, but I'm not able to live there anymore. Life is different you know? I guess I'm just losing what I used to care about, because it'll never measure up to the Hong Kong I remember. Funny, because I met up with A while I was in Toronto, and she expressed the same hesitancy. Shout out to you, A-Baby, cuz I know you're still stalking this, apparently. But yes... I'm back now, and it's really clear that I need a second job. I've been applying like crazy, and we'll see what comes back to me now. God help me. I don't have the right to be idle, and bills bills bills are breathing down my back. Sigh. Back on that grind, yo. True story.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW

It's really been a bit of a whirlwind. Exams are over and I'm left able to relax for my whole weekend, since I'm home in Toronto for a bit. It's actually quite nice! I'm considering finding a summer job here, because it'd be all right for the first time in a while. I get along with my mom and her husband, the house is close to downtown, and frankly, there's more opportunity to work. Sigh. We'll see how things go, but so far it's very tempting. I think it helps that all I've done on arrival is get my nails done, and sleep, and watch crime dramas on loop. It's fantastic! I haven't been able to take a break like this in months, almost. Though I fear I'm overeating - my mom keeps endless snacks here and I've got to practice better self control.

THE Q IS BACK

So the plans for this week are quite nice. Toby's birthday dinner will be Monday, since Lee was utterly booked for Friday and Saturday. I'm excited, I love the food there, and I always feel a little star-stunned eating there. I'm hoping they have the same sticky rice and coconut milk dessert as there was last time! You couldn't imagine how hard it was to find that in Asia... but this will be nice to do, for him and only him, because hey, you only turn 20 once. I hope he enjoys it! I made the booking on my own, but hopefully it works.

MOVE TO THE RIGHT, STEP, AGAIN

I'm hoping to buy a few new books tomorrow! I miss reading, and now I've time to catch up. I'm thinking of the new Jeff Lindsey book, and see what else might catch my eye - it's time that I refresh my writing style a bit. Not that it's suffering too horrible, J got a sample of what I've been working on lately, and she said it was the best she'd read from me... which was really, honestly, nice to hear. I spent a lot of today hand coding a piece of an application for one of our websites and I was really really pleased with the outcome. I sourced some of it from a website, then coded the rest of it out, and I'm really happy with it! I'm learning a bit better on how to do things, which was a great realization because S is telling me that she's got some work for me to do in LA if I've got the time... which is all I have right now. Strides forward? I'm hoping so.

COME ON EVERYBODY

That restless feeling hasn't really left me. Admittedly, I feel a bit better on it all but generally, I feel quite stressed for some reason. I'm doing all I can to find some sense of purpose right now, and it's quite a... different place to be in. I don't know how to explain it, but C said it's the awkward hatching of student to adult. I'm sure I'll be fine, but at the moment I'm horrified, haha! I'll be seeing A on Monday, and hopefully she'll be sharing this with me so that we can be freaked out together.

LET THE MUSIC DIFFUSE ALL ATTENTION

Here's a look at one of the commercials I thought really hit it... amazing, Adidas, you really proved yourself.

OH CONTRARY

Feeling so accomplished today. I did a lot! I managed to go make a series of needed phone calls... and I helped to clear up several paperwork issues to be concluded tomorrow. I feel like I'm in a weird mood, you know? I was all inspired to write and just be earlier, but ended up doing nothing with it. Maybe I'm frustrated. I don't know. I lost all motivation and desire... poof. But I'm sure it'll come back, it always does. I saw a really cool movie tonight though! The Losers, based off of this old DC comic. I enjoyed it a lot, even if the boy I ended up going with wanted me to date him seriously afterwards, which wasn't something I was really down with. I don't know, I'd rather date someone I'm more interested in? Hahaha, how awkward. I'm waiting for inspiration to come hit me again... I got a lot of stuff down on paper yesterday, when I'd finished my last exam. It was beautiful, you know? Knowing that I was 100% done with school. It's both exhilarating and frightening. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but it's time to set forth into the world.

Are you ready for me?

CLOUDS

Sigh. 2 out of 3 exams are done! I'm feeling a lot more relaxed on that all now, since the worst, the math, is over. Thank god! I don't have to look at math for a while to come!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!! Heehee. Studying was fun too, because I was with R and A and a bunch of other people. It was enjoyable, really... a lot of teasing back and forth, but a good group overall. Summer clique! Well, R and A at least. Though I think it'll be trouble, hahaha, because A likes to make fun of me but in a cool way I guessss... never seen a boy run that fast after insulting me. Good times! Now I just have to find some meaning within everything... haha. And not forget to keep hoping for something brilliant!

NOT ALL OF US BECOME ROCK STARS AND BALLERINAS

Last night was stressful. I appeared at C's all jacked up and nervous for the exam. He sits me down - asks me if I've had anything to drink. I say no and he gets me a glass of water, some cookies, and sleeping medication, telling me that he's going to drive me home ASAP because I was losing touch. And it's true, because when we were reviewing the homework I just picked a fight with him for no reason at all other then the fact that I was strung out from lack of sleep and food, and just couldn't relax. I was just stressed... but I went home and followed his advice as best I could, though I ended up worrying about J for a couple hours before bed because of a fight that sparked and resolved, bright, then dark. This is life, and so it goes...

THE DEVIL'S TRYING TO ENTERTAIN US

So yesterday I was in the student lounge with R studying away. In the end, though, we ended up watching Gorillaz videos on my laptop, and debating the rise and fall of their artwork, music style, and the people who collaborate with them. Robot Noodle's cool I guess, but the new personality they gave her annoys me. But that said, there's something so beautiful about the videowork they put in, and the style of music. I love that Mos Def is on their new single... I love that they had to be badass and have Bruce Willas chasing them down in a car, Deathproof style. I love the homage paid by them in all their songs to so many of the little abstract things I love!

DON'T GIVE ME THAT BOO-HOO-HOO SHIT

So with exams ending so soon, I've been getting my ass onto finding another job. It's necessary! I applied to 20 different ones today. I want to do more customer relations or sales stuff... I love it! Because I get to be energetic and social, and that's what I like doing best. I've been talking to S about all her job searching, and she's stressing me out a little bit. But now she's given up, I think, she isn't really giving me the whole story on it, but she's going to start her own marketing company. I wish her all the luck! And I'm hoping I'll be able to watch and learn from her experience in it all.

THE CLOUDS ARE IN THE SKY...

XEPY's Pandora Disk album was finally made available!!! I love it... oh my god I love it... J showed it to me the night leading into my International Accounting class, and I was just so incredibly in love with the song G.O. with Maslo, Vasco and K.Jun. I've been listening to it on my walks over the bridge to get to C's house at night, and it kind of puts me more at ease. Happy house beat, energetic, club mix kinda jam. It's getting me in the mood for summer - more then the weather, I have to say.

THERE'LL BE SUNSHINE

Dumbfounded, Jay Park and Clara Chung released their new single together! I actually quite like it, and I'm dying to see it done love... you have to peep it if you can, because this shit's real! Haha, though is it bad I'm more excited to see Kero One at the concert? =x I'm definitely willing to scream "I tried to find your record label in San Franciscoooo, I LOVE YOU!!!" because yes, his music was a cornerstone to my Hong Kong experience. Me and S just sitting in our room listening to 'In All The Wrong Places', because I loved Kero One and she loved a boy who loved Kero One. Fun times. Fun... but in the meantime, check out 'Clouds'!

TOO MUCH OF LOVE

It is official - I've hit the wall. Days of studying, very little sleep, and very little chance to be extend my creative outlet have left me embittered and unable to study. I'm tired. But I can't sleep, because there is so much to do. I want to think that I can do it all: I want to be that Superwoman. But I'm literally run into the ground, and there's so much to do and so much to accomplish. But I sigh... find focus. And continue on.

On a lighter note, I will be going to the upcoming AOM concert in Seattle on May 30! It's my graduation gift to myself. I'm really excited... and I'm praying my order comes in before then so that I can pass along my gift to J. Hee... What good and unexpected timing!

A little inspiration:

ENJOY YA SELF

Sunday, oh Sunday.

I'm listening to one of the best remixes to Musiq Soulchild's Just Friends right now. Loving it. I woke up late today after spending the whole night and morning talking to both J and the new boy (maybe new boy?) B. Those 7 am crash outs are always fun to deal with, hahaha. I'm slowly making progress with my studying but feeling so stuck on it all. Sigh. Goal. Read one more chapter. Start accounting. I can do it! Tomorrow I'll review slides from work for Cross Cultural Management. I can do it!

MY BROTHERS AND MY LADIES

Hahaa, I hate to start with a little hate, but really, I want to send a big EFF YOU R!!! Wow, I mean... I already lost a lot of respect for you prior to today. Not only did you drop off the face of the planet after cheating on your ex boyfriend for the boy you're currently screwing and NOT dating (after how long now?), the boy you screwed within the day of meeting and then proceeded to lie about hooking up with to me for four months, but you're going to blame your current hiatus on me? Weak man, weak. Saying you're 'afraid' to talk to me and you want me to 'chill out' when you haven't talked to me in a month is really lame. Especially since you ditched to go write what kind of is akin to non-stop porn with some other people, even abandoning little R. That's cold. Really cold. Really, you need to stop blaming the world for your bad decisions, and look to yourself. Something is wrong. Wrong. And I really ain't all that interested in the shit talking you've been doing lately, because I'm an adult and I will have an adult conversation with you if you so choose. Otherwise, suck it, girl. I'm not interested in the high school drama you're trying to raise with me.

WE GONNA TAKE IT BACK

As the end of exams creep up, I'm left wondering - what to do with the free time that's soon about to stir me? I've got several things I'd like to do. Start going to the gym everyday, pick through my music files and get rid of the crap I no longer listen to, start improving my Mandarin, start being more social again. Not that I haven't been, it's just that around exams I become very hermit-like in my habits, only really venturing out of the house to go grocery shopping and to go to work and exams themselves. Things I must soon invest in: the repayments of my credit cards, the repayments of my OSAP, my internship fees, gym membership, tickets to go to New York, and tickets to go to Seattle. With the potential advent of S moving with me to Shanghai, I don't think I need to go back to California. Therefore, seeing C is of higher priority, as well as M. I'm scared. I don't know where I'm going to find this money... but I'm praying my mom might pull through with some kind of "present" along the lines of the 21st birthday gift she gave me when I went to Hong Kong. Relief would be nice... but it's hard for a girl when there's so much to buy! Thankfully, I'm done with clothing shopping and of the like for a while. Time to really buckle down... how unfun!

BY WAYS OF MARVIN GAYE AND STEVIE

I hate being ill, because it drains me of all energy and will to accomplish anything. I'm tired, I lack hunger, and I'm very listless... and Sunday television sucks. I had a bowl of my soup and a bowl of cereal, an exact replication of my total meals yesterday, and likely this sentiment will carry onto tomorrow. Exams are closing in... and I don't know how prepared I am, despite the massive amounts of reading that I am doing. Will it help? Am I wasting my time? Sigh. Tomorrow, I must drop by C's house and pick up the textbook from him so that I may get a closer interaction with the accounting standards work that I'll be forced to go through for my Thursday exam. It can be done! Just another week and I'm done with all of this.

I'MMA MAKE YOU FEEL SO GOOD

Believe in something more

When the walls fall in

Always remain hopeful

SKIP TO THE MOON

I'm laughing. Last night was pretty nice, actually. After the night, after I'd long ago given up the theory contained in my textbooks and slide shows, I was Skyping until the disgusting hours of the morning with S. Girl really does got her head on straight, I promise you that. We're always laughing. Complaining about boys. Feeling a little bit broken. She's one of the rare few girls in which I truly get along with... but I think it's because she and I were both raised on a steady diet of boys, and their laid back attitude. We were looking for jobs and debating the meaning of growing up. About the things we have to give up in order to accomplish our dreams. Really, as I said to J a week ago, I think I'd honestly be happiest ifI were on a couch in some basement studio, listening to people create visionary hip-hop. I've seen the cheap B-movie version of it from the times I've flitted through Scarborough, with boys that front like they were men, but I'm looking for the realness that they lacked. One day, one day.

EXPOSE FOR THE MASSES

Around 11 pm last night, C tells me that she's heard a friend of hers has committed suicide. His last update on Facebook is the line from a movie, "I don't think I can make it to the party". It's both insipid and beautiful, splendid in its selfish statement of intellectual superiority. They were close... had talked within the last 2 days, no less. I'm praying for her, in the limited way I know how. I know it's a horrible blow, and it feels so far away from me... maybe that's callus of me. I haven't had someone close to me die in quite a while. The last one was for my great grandmother, 98, memory lost to too many sad sights and happy births. It lead to so many things, that funeral. I think you can really only take what life you can from the deaths of others...

24 KG LASERS

DEFINITELY was super lame today and decided to apologize to J in the form of a playlist. I don't know, I find something deeply lovely in that. Like a quote I'm fully stealing from Audible Mainframe's song, Redwine & Xanex, if only I could say the words that I played for you in that last song. I'm a pretty articulate individual, but sometimes it's hard when you know the reason why you're not talking now is no longer you, or them, but rather the nature of the other human being. What to do? I'm fine with it. Understanding is more then half the battle. And at this point, I know how J can be. I'm not made angry or hurt by it... it's just how she is sometimes. I hope she likes it though! It took forever to upload the songs onto a host so that they could be sorted into Mixpod. Bloody thing has such a limited music database. I enjoyed it none-the-less, and it was a welcome distraction from my textbooks. Finished the last of chapter 7 slides for accounting and I've read chapter 6 of fixed income, and 7 and 10 are to follow! Then I'll settle with watching the movie I didn't get to watch last night. Sigh. Nice night planned!

GRASP ON THE HEELS OF APOLLO

So I got sick after all. Staying up late does that to a person. I've spent the day sleeping and made some homemade chicken soup, which I found particularly comforting. I have a feeling that will be the staple of my diet while living away, because I find it the food that best puts me at ease. Plus it's pretty easy to make! Really, you just need ginger, a whole chicken, rice, and pepper. So simple, but so good. And pretty healthy too! I'm working out a bit today and tonight again, trying to remind my body of activity. Going to look into signing up at the gym once exams are done. Must get back in shape, must get back in shape...

GIVE ME SOME LOVE AND THEN I GLOW

The movie was incredible. I haven't seen something that good in so long. Truly a fantastic film, and I cannot believe that it wasn't released commercially. Well I can, and I can't, because it's a very artistic film, and not exactly a popular one. I saw acting talent, however, in a lot of actors and actresses that I thought didn't have any of it. Very impressed. It was all poetry and vision, and I wish I had the time to watch more movies like this. It reminds me of when I used to dedicate my time to a boy, him and I, and we would sit on this couch and watch endless movies, only interrupted by personal needs. Beautiful... I'm so impressed.

I'M ON THE GRIND

Boys are crazy! I wonder why they think I want to hear things about how they're still into their exs. Now I wonder if I was like that in the post-P period. I think it's silly. These are private things that are better discussed in person rather then msn... I have a feeling the date we're going to have is going to be horrid.

WE ABOUT TO GO LIVE

Still can't let go of this song... it's a huge reason why CYNE definitely is the top favourite amongst the underground hip-hop scene. Last time they toured was over a year ago... I'm honestly crossing my fingers that they play a show soon. I will so drop everything to fly down to see them. Being able to see this kind of creativity up close and personal would be soul-completing.

MISS. UNDERSTAND

Long day... long long day. Wake up in the morning, and I've begun to feel as if already, things are at a standstill, that sense in which things have become routine, and in this, I am made extremely unhappy with this. Why? Because I don't like feeling as if I've become rooted down. I want to be made uncomfortable, to push my boundaries. There's so much I want to do... that I want to accomplish, and I feel as if it's not possible here. The present of this place seems to drag you down, and I doubt my happiness here. Not that I'm sad, or down, or depressed. Just contemplative of my future. I am graduating, after all. The adult world awaits: and the prospect of it is both frightening and exciting. I hope Stephanie follows through. It'd be nice to have a friend in Shanghai with me. The idea of having nobody that I know while I'm there... scares me. Secretly. A lot.

BECAUSE OF OUR AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP

I fought with J last night. Why? She's seeming distant, and it upsets me a little. Why? Well... I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm being bitter with her because I'm resentful that she isn't posting, and it's like, well damn girl, didn't you bust up on my ass to post ASAP, then said "I hope you won't try to get back at me for not posting in a while by taking a week"? Then have proceeded to write nothing in a week? Sigh. I mean, I get it. School, life, whatever. But it's so disparaging to hear that she's going to work on it and then nothing at all gets done. So last night I might have crossed the line because she was being so quiet with me, but at the same time, I felt like something had to be said about it. I chose my words poorly though. Sometimes, you misfire. And I didn't provide the quiet kill, no, I made it messy, and now I'm left thinking she's made embittered by my comment and will ignore me for a while. But as I said in my conversation with L on the matter, sometimes that's how things go. That, too, is life.

LIPS CLOSED TIGHTLY

I don't understand my father. Why he has to be so utterly disparaging about my internship opportunity. He tells me, "Why can't you just work with an organization in Ottawa, why can't you just stay with one that will give you travelling opportunities?". I come to him earlier today with news that my friend C got a job with Export Development Canada. I'm really happy for him. My father only looks at me saying "Well he'll be making more for you, and will have a chance to travel" and he proceeds to say that I'll be paid shit, and treated just the same while on my internship. And it's like... he hasn't listened to anything I plan to learn from this. I want to go forward, I want to know that I'll have the opportunity, and I need to do it while I'm young enough to be adventurous and fearless. I don't want to find a job here and just... settle. The nightmare of it consumes me. I don't think he understands how hurtful his comments are, and how they only serve to push me further away.

SHATTERED THE BITTERSWEET DREAM

Listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. Miss that feel, to be honest. There's something about those underground artists that sample the classics, jazz, soul, and I'm left a little breathless by the poetry and soliloquy presented to me. I feel so inferior in comparison in terms of skill. I often quote the lyrics when I write, because I feel their turn of phrases unloved, and I want to put it into some arena where at least someone will read them. Who knows if they are? It's more for me then anything. That's selfish but... that's why I write. Though I'm scared I'm losing my flair for it. C's up and writing again. She's so... fantastic. I don't think she understands the depth of it. Talking to her again makes me feel like the adult that I always pretend that I am. Actually feel it. She's an adult in a sense that always left me envious. I could never believe she was only a year older then me. Last night was interesting, we had a very in depth conversation, some exerts being:

C : the trick is not to overthink it

C : or let the fear carve out a permanent place

Z : i refuse to let it

Z : so even if i feel i'm not ready, i plan to approach my career the same way i appraoched losing my virginity - with a brave face, faking as if i know what to do until it feels right

C : hahahaha!

C : that is how life should be handled i feel

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY

I'm feeling a little ill. Stood outside in the cold for quite a long time today. I ate well - eggs (breakfast and dinner), an apple, banana, a little lean cuisine frozen lunch, and shrimp with soy sauce. I'm going to curl up and watch New York, I Love You in the early hours of my morning, after a nap and an injection of caffeine to help nurse me through the midnight hours so that I can study a little longer, push myself a little further. I'll work out a bit, make some tea, and keep going. Exams start next Thursday... I don't want to write them. I'm feeling quite broke, but I'll keep moving, and keep working. Hopefully my schedule will change for the better for work once exams are over. I'll be crossing my fingers. I leave off with a song I found from DJ Shinin' Stone, with Maslo and Keyreal. Love it!

UMBRELLA

Oh, there was something beautiful found in the darkness of the world we created. One of blankets and soft sighs. The way your hands would smooth over bare skin and along my cheek. Something magical in how you would slide between the sheets in the morning, a soft and mumbled hello, a kiss to my temple as you drifted into sleep beside me. Limbs tangled, reverie found, and we would abandon consciousness in the early hours of the morning, letting the sun and its followers live a life in the outside world: we would just maintain our handfuls of peace. Despite all you've done, those moments remain with me still, and I'll always smile.

I miss those snapshots of the life I once had.

But I do not miss the man.

I wonder if this is what they call 'growing up'?

COME WONDER

RUN

Feeling kind of "oh my god" about life lately. Graduating in a month, and exams are coming up! Holy shit, right? There's only three, but I really have to get studying soon. It's just that the will to do so is nearly zero in me, I don't know. I should be focusing and really bringing it together. But I feel like I almost have 'tomorrow' syndrome because it's just like with these other internal promises I keep making with myself. I put it off longer and longer. But tonight I'm going to sit down and do a serious session between me and my slideshow notes. Then next with the textbook. The only person who can make things start is me! Tomorrow I'll hit up the gym as well, because I've been dying to do so. Also I'll try signing up with GoodLife as well for next month since my student gym coverage will run out. Sadface. But life's gotta get in order, and it's a serious investment of time and effort. Going to be an interesting time for sure.... for... sure...

TOUCH THE SKY WITH YOUR HANDS

Currently Skyping with S at the same time. She's all saying she wants to try to get into Shanghai with me now. How amazing would that be? It'll be me, and her, back in our Hong Kong days of fun, work, and leisurely taking life. We're discussing the growing up experience. We both seem out of it, tired, and utterly able to relate, and its times like this that I know for sure that I love her. Sigh.

FILLED WITH YOUR DREAMS

Must also find another job soon! I've got to get more moneyyyy!!! I've started applying but I know now is the worst time to find a job. God. And I have a horrible suspicion that I'm about to lose a shift at work because summer is coming. Aiiiish, cannot afford to do! Need gym membership, AIESEC fees, dental... so much to do, so little money. Things are going to get better though, I'll make sure of it.

WHAT AM I RUNNING TOWARDS?

I saw a movie last night. Pirate Radio. The best visual from that movie was when the boat was sinking, and there was just an array of vinyl albums just floating in masses... really beautiful stuff, actually. It was a sense of loss that I could understand in how the man that was swimming through it all, trying to clutch to his favourite albums, would want to risk life and limb for such a thing. His music was an essential extension of himself - he couldn't let those things simply go to waste. It was more then the physical possession of the album, it was all that it made him feel, all that made him realize what life was. And... yah. I loved that scene. Great movie, I felt it helped communicate that love for music even if the music they loved wasn't my style at all.

ABANDONED BY THE GALAXY

On a happy note though, one of my favourite groups, B2ST, just released a new MV today! It's for the song Say No. I loved it... and the MV is just beautiful, really. Eeee, I was so excited to watch it!!! Junhyung = definite sense of love. Heehee, excuse me while I fangirl the fuck out.

DAYUM, GIRL

So it seems as if I haven't updated in forever... and it just got pointed out to me.

Not really because of any reason: Life simply got busy. Then blogging fell onto the back burner as life moved forwards. Things have really been wonderful and exciting for me on many different levels, and I really couldn't describe it all. Nor do I really want to... haha, look to the future, after all! But it's a good exercise of soul simply to write a little more then my usual ridiculous amounts of fiction that I manage to put out on the weekly (all thanks to my lovely J, whom I cannot wait to see again!). Writing about the angst and tragic loves of others if fun, when you feel your own life is a little mundane. But I have a feeling my summer will be an exciting one.

As usual, boys seem to flit back into my life, both of the friendship and romantic variety. It's cool, I guess, but ill-timed. I just found out that I've been accepted on internship with AIESEC. I'm absolutely excited beyond belief. I've been assured that it will be quite easy to be placed in China, and of course I'm gunning for Shanghai. I'm graduating this semester... and I think that scary step will be blunted by the move to a new country. I'm also hoping to be posted for a year. Learn Mandarin. See the world. Find myself. It'll be fantastic, and I need to shake the sense of apathy that's gripped me since my return to Canada. I'm planning after that to apply for a year in Seoul. Learn Korean. Live with J for a bit, since she's on her way to transferring schools there. I mean... life seems so in place right now. I know plans change, don't work out, etc. But I want to be flexible, and think there's something to look forwards to. No harm, right?

Music scene is poppin' right now. I'm tripping on that harmony reminiscent, and J and I are plowing through massive amounts of underground k-rap and k-conscious to discover some fantastic finds. Right now, I'm really feeling CSP and Maslo. Blame her. They're fantastic, and Maslo is exactly my kind of style of music. Oh my god... the samples he's throwing into his tracks have me literally SHIVERING at times. And it just reminds me again how much, once upon a time, all I wanted to do was get into music. Dreams, gone. But it's alright. I'm happy with how things are at present, and hey, who knows what will happen later in life? Hahaha, from checking over blogs now, I see that S is really feeling Epik High, and if you're reading this, I knew you'd catch onto Over. Theme song to our lives, man, theme song to our lives. That album really committed murder on my soul... hahaha, crying over Skype with J as we listened to it song by song together. Those are the moments that help define, I think.

On the subject of music, am I the only one disappointed by the new Hyori MV? I mean... I really liked the concept photos that were coming out from her, even if they were too Lady Gaga-esque. Then she came out with that one with the chains, and I was thinking 'YES, Hyori's going back to the hip-hop phase' and she just... flailed. I don't know. I need to give H-Logic a good listen to first because I managed to find the leaked album before I give it my final judgment, but maybe I was just hoping for a continuation of what she started with It's Hyorish. U-Go-Girl and Hey, Mr Big were beastly, and I loved the look she had there. We'll see... as always, I wish her success though! The woman deserves it.

I guess I'll try to update a bit on how things have been in the past... 6 months. So much to cover! But hey, life ain't nothin' but time. Shout outs to T, because I miss you, and I'm praying that you're safe in Thailand right now. The mother in me is screaming, please, don't go out at night. And that I love you, and I can't wait to see you again.