You know, sometimes I'm left wondering... what am I doing?
LITTLE THINGS MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
You know it's funny, I don't think I was supposed to see what I did. I think I wouldn't have if she hadn't drawn attention to something smaller. I wonder if she knows? But I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wonder if I should even. I mean it's not a fight that hasn't been fought, it's not words that haven't been said, so why do I feel down and a bit pained nonetheless? I shouldn't. It's petty of me, but I just want to go and ask 'well what else do you want from me?' When does it become so one sided? Why am I even feeling like that? It's selfish of me. I mean apart of me really isn't surprised... and I hate that. And it's compounding beyond a single issue. I'm feeling rather ignored for someone else and it sort of feels like a slap in the face because I'm not being given any sort of explanation on it, but I know it's also not my place to say anything either. Yet... I know the same courtesy isn't extended my way. But just because of that, I know I shouldn't be... upset. I just... don't know. I really know. Instantly, my mood is spoiled beyond the simple boredom of the night, and I'm kind of left like... unsure. Of what to do, what to say. And it's quite an unthrilling experience.
What kind of bites too is that it's sort of clear that I'm not happy. And she doesn't really do much to pursue it. The child and the adult in me are warring, because I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't start questioning why, why I'm upset. I shouldn't be upset that she's having lively conversation with someone else. I understand that adults sometimes need space in order to cool down, and re-evaluate positions, and life, and self. But the child in me doesn't want to understand, and angrily wants more, attention, something. I wonder how long this is going to last. I wonder if it'll get brought up. Night two down of this, and I guess only extended time will tell.
LET THE SPEAKERS DRIP
I just had the most emotional two-punch of a shuffle play on iTunes... Feather by Nujabes, followed by Sad Movie by Minos and Soulman. Guh... if my heart wasn't aching enough before, it certainly is now. I like the way music makes me feel, even if it isn't always warm. I'm wondering when I'll meet someone that I'm in love with who I can talk to about that. The little kicks and snares in a song that just capture you, those lyrics that just move you, those little hitches in a voice that disturb you. I listen to the chatter in the background of some of the songs, and I just feel like I can RELATE to these people. Their passion, their love, their need. I'm left wondering why I don't know more people like this beyond J and S. On that note, S seems to have disappeared... I leave her notes on her Facebook, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm a little worried... I wonder if she's gotten herself off on the lithium she's taking now. I'm guilty of not going after her harder. I think maybe Toronto really is a good idea for a little while at least. V... you know how I feel right now, don't you? It's scary out there, and I'm being swallowed up. You came back with me. You know it. The fear that we've peaked, and will no longer be 'fantastic'. I feel like a coward.
FIST IN THE AIR FOR INDEPENDENT MUSIC
I wonder when I stopped being observant. God... S tells me today about the depression, and I should have seen it. I mean I knew something was wrong, but now it's like... when did I lose it? What happened to me? When did I become 'that friend' who ignored all the warning signs, and allowed that friend to slip through the cracks without reaching out? I'm so disappointed in myself it's unreal. I became the bad friend. I became the thing I loathe most.... and I don't really know how to make it better. I'm sorry, S, I know you'll read this and tell me it's okay, but I know in a deeply fundamental way, it's not, and I did something very wrong by not catching it sooner and calling you to come over. Instead I handled it poorly, on msn, with badly aimed words and a brush off that was cold, too cold. I should have been better, because you deserve that. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll be better. If the medication isn't working, homie, I'm here because you don't have to feel like you're lonely. Your friends love you. I know it's not the affectionate love you're craving, and I know you know and feel like it's an unreasonable loneliness, but it's there, and it's real, and if you're feeling it, I'll step up and be there. I fucked up. I won't do it again.
REACH NEW HEIGHTS WHILE WE PASS THE TREES
Work is getting super intensive. I'm about to face 3 straight weeks of short-staffing situations, where I'm bound to make some good money, and run to exhaustion. I doubt there will be much understanding, comprehension, or kindness involving this and the people I know, but that's to be expected. I'm not even mad, I just accept it, laugh it off, and go go go! I'm just hoping I don't get super sick at the end of this. I have to see T, C, S, R, S, B and K sometimes next week. One a day? Time to be super powered! Hopefully I'll have a legitimate schedule pinned down starting tomorrow. M is being a total spazz and making it impossible to do much planning because she hasn't given her other work schedule over to us so we can make the fixed schedule. C is getting PISSED because I never seem to have a day to give him. Legitimately... miss that kid. He's got a way of cheering me up like no other. What is with all my bitchassness anyways? I need to snap out of it. Tomorrow I'll find something to make me smile smile smile and be normal. Maybe I'll ask if I can have ice cream on the way home? I don't know how you can feel sad when you're licking coconut and pineapple sherbet from Baskin Robins.
WE DOING BIG THINGS
I wonder if I'm making more miscalculations of judgement then I'm admitting. The idea is frightening. I'm getting anxious - nervous - scared. I'm going to try to call V soon for an emotional consult. And S. J seems to be gone, gone, gone, and I don't know where he's gone. I can't help that these relationships are breaking because I'm not doing more. The idea makes me feel sick. I need to reverse this trend.
LET THE STREETS SING
So there's a new movie coming out in August. Looks absolutely amazing, and after three different trailers, and reading the whole comic book series, I'm so pumped for it. C-c-check it.
