It's late afternoon, and the sun is hanging lazily in the sky. The temperature is cool, but controlled, within my school building, and I'm walking along with a friend, talking, when I run into (finally) another friend, whom hands me my order from mapthesoul.com. I'm pretty excited. Beyond Epik High's status as one of my favourite groups, they have the kind of lyricism that brings me to my knees. I'm wondering how the book, both written by the group, and a separate one written by Tablo, will work out.
I'm on the bus when I finally read it. The first few pages are enough to literally bring tears to my eyes. I'm moved - there is a sense of love and loss in those pages that I haven't really experienced since I first started reading Cait's writing between R and M. It's a long bus ride - about forty minutes. I'm smiling one moment, choking on emotion the next. It's like opening your eyes again. When did I help to numb myself? I don't think contemplating such times really helps. But I'm happy, right here, right now, to be able to see clearly. My hands are shaking a little, and I'm wishing the day was warmer, and I was outside, sitting in the iron-wrought chairs of a cafe, drinking hot, black coffee and I'm dying for a cigarette for the first time in ages. I shouldn't have had that cigar with C a couple of nights ago. It's breeding bad habits.
I'm left longing for easier times, but embracing the hardships of the here and now. I'm feeling inspired in the deepest sense, and I'm hoping that it's here to stay, a driving force, a constant reminder that I'm here, living. Seeing this beautiful, ugly, twisted, wonderful world. The only way to truly experience it is to keep living, without fear, but sensibly. Only when this tiny thin line can be walked, can I be, heart and soul, an adult. Until then, I am a child feeling about in the dark, making mistakes and learning, so that I can reach that goal.
As Tablo wrote - my dream is the starting line and the finish line.
