Hmmm! It's been a while since I last wrote. I deleted all of my older posts, since... well, I ended up being a lot sadder in them then I really wanted to seem. It's summer now... and I'm so happy. I got accepted to Hong Kong! It's always been one of my life goals to go to Asia and visit the place my dad was born in Sibu, Malaysia. Going on exchange to Hong Kong will allow me the opportunity to do that. I've always seen that house in pictures... seen his room pointed out to me. Heard all about how I still have family there, in that house. It's touching in a way I don't quite know how to put into words. I suspect that I might even cry seeing it. It seems the older I get, the more connected to my heritage I feel I have to be. It brings a sense of love and comfort that I don't think I could have comprehended when I was younger. I feel so... incredibly loved, knowing and discovering my family. Because I can see that they will always be there for me, that love will not fade. Eventually, even my own father will pass... but the love that was there, the memories shared, the crying, the fighting, the laughter, the lessons... they'll always endure. And I'm not quite sure what to say other than I'm so happy that this exchange will help me along with this. I want to grow up from this exchange - to become a worthy person. It's not as if I lack worth now... it's that I feel I shouldn't be satisfied with just being. Nor should I just change for the sake of change! It's... well, you have to always try to improve. Be a better person. Distancing myself from my current surroundings might be the shock I need to my system to help myself along. I'm still young, after all, and some things come more difficult now then later. Perhaps this is one of them...
Still, I look back to more than a year ago, and I'm surprised by the changes that I've seen in myself, and those around me. My dad asked me today if I ever thought of the first boy, and only boy, I ever loved. It was a bit of a surprise... But the answer was yes. But now, the feelings there were much different then they had been before. I think of him often... almost everyday. I love him still. But it's not the sick, unhealthy, so-in-love feelings that were there before. I still couldn't say how I would feel if I were to run into him today. I always... think about what would happen if I did. Would I cry? Smile? Speak to him? Pretend as if he wasn't there? I don't know. I'd still be sad... but it wouldn't be for the lack of apologies, for what he did, for the end of that long, painful, beautiful relationship. I would never want to be with him again - it's not that kind of love that I have anymore. It's a simple fact. You can't easily forget the ones you love, right? Haha, at least I hope so. I'm okay with things being different. I'm much happier with who I am, and my situation. I'll always love that boy, and think of him. Sometimes fondly, sometimes not. Memories have that kind of strange tendency. I'm happy I won't forget. There are lessons to be taken and learned from every love in ones life, I hope. The greatest sin would have been to have not learned anything at all... I asked my dad if he ever thought of mom still. The divorce started when I was eleven, ended when I was seventeen. It's been three years since... and I was happy to hear him say no. Because watching him be so sad, that was too much for me. I wish, then, I had been stronger to help him through it. He must have been lonely... and I only wish there had been someone there for him, in a way that my brother and I couldn't be there for him as children. I want him to be happy, more than my own happiness... is that love?
But yes! It's summer! The time of class, of work, and of... well, extra lessons. Haha, I want to work hard, to make the money needed to travel, travel, travel. I'm so excited for the exchange. I want to see so many places. Today was mother's day, and we took out my grandmother out for lunch, along with my aunts. We ran into her friend from church, CK, who I last met at the last two funerals I attended. Sigh. Not a nice place to meet, but I digress. He sat with us while he waited in the (ridiculously) busy restaurant for his friends to arrive, and it seems he has family in Hong Kong to introduce me to. I hope they'll show me around! His niece is only a year older than me, while his nephew is a year younger. It will be good to have someone there that I could hopefully rely on if I were lost, or needed some help. I look forward to it! I also was surprised by a trip to the movies with my dad. We saw Star Trek - pretty amazing, if you ask me. It was really well done. I was excited through a lot of it, since I could vaguely remember some of the Star Trek episodes from my childhood. There were so many people in the theatre for a Sunday for this movie, the line snaked outside of the building, and around two corners of it. Some people near us were smoking unfortunately, and I got a horrible sore throat from it. Looking back, I don't know how in the WORLD I ever used to have that habit - it completely chokes me up because of my asthma. Ah... chalk it up to youthful indiscretion? But I'm happy I saw the movie. My dad liked it as well, which is great since he remembers watching it all. The hype was worth it! I'm hoping that means JJ Abrams is considering a sequel. I would definitely go for that, haha!
Sigh, and tomorrow is Monday! Or rather, is it today? I have to stop staying up this late. That means work... and I have my first Aikido class. I'm pretty excited for that! I've never done martial arts before. I'm going to have to work on, and finish, my report for my Presentations class as well, since that's due Tuesday for me. I'm going to have to also work on my student visa application, on making an appointment for all my vaccinations, and also, will have to make a lunch for tomorrow. Aiiiiiii... I'm tired thinking of it all already. I'm thinking that maybe now would be a good time to sleep. So, I leave it at that, goodnight!
