Every day is beginning to blend and bleed into the other. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm awake or asleep. I wake up, push snooze five times until it hits nine in the morning, and then I'm up, showered, prettified, and gone. Every day I skip in, tired, and pained. I don't know when today begins, and tomorrow ends. I spend my bus rides reading, new books, old books, and one of them just finished was Glamorama. I loved it. It made me feel a lot of things of a character I wasn't even sure that I liked. But I understood his fear. I'm convinced now that Bret Easton Ellis is one of the greatest writers I've ever read. I finished it today, and I'm walking out of work, and the air, all around the area, is filled with the beautiful wisps of milk weed puffs. I'm watching them fly, try to catch them and... I felt nothing. That sense of complete apathy that has been washing over me the last couple of days has left me almost breathless. I just don't care anymore. I don't know why, and I feel a little... unsure of myself. What the hell am I doing, where am I going? From speaking with Toby, it seems he's feeling that same sense of personal listlessness. We are a lost generation, and no, this is not an exit.
But isn't that alright? I'm wondering if depth of perception, and self awareness, even vary from person to person, with some people better able to reconcile their private thoughts with their own public persona. We're just... all coming in at the same thing from different directions. How do we all sleep at night. How do we just... perceive the world? It seems somehow all foreign to me now, a picture of a picture of a picture. Fuzzy and just... kind of far off. We're all fucked up, and all pretty amazing. People fascinate me, to be honest. They're just so different, happy, uniform, dangerous. But I think that all the business in my life has kept me so preoccupied that I've forgotten what it's like to be around such humanity.
I keep watching a string of one bad movies, one after another. I'm enjoying them, and it passes the time. I let myself zone out, feel myself grow a tiny bit wearier. I'm feeling tired all the time, but more sleep isn't coming. Sidewalks of New York is sad, a good movie, but I'm sad all the same. I spent today by the river, with my aunt, my father, my brother, having a picnic, the sun setting. I wanted to be moved. My brother and I chased each other with sticks, fighting, laughing, being kids. It was pretty enjoyable. I think we're all focusing on the wrong thing. We have to bring it back, find that basic joy. The smallest things, I find, make me happy.
