It's been a while since I last posted, but my life is so fragmented right now (in a way that I'm loving, in a way that I can't help myself) that it's been hard to sit down and actually write something. But there's a lot that should be written, because my god, I can't keep things straight anymore. I'm tripping this fantastic high, happy with the things I have, and working towards the things that I want, and you know, dissatisfaction has no place here, not now. So, I'm going to break things into fragments here, and just go off on it, because really, free thought form is so much easier, you know?
C AND THE SWINGS INCIDENT
There's this guy, we'll call him C, and he and I get along great. I'm not feeling him, he's not feeling me, but he really knows how to make me smile. We're drinking in a park, and I've got my peach schnapps in hand, and we're on the swings because I really missed how it was like. It just reminded me of the days when I would pick up my bike and go to the park when I lived at Corkery, loving the way my hair felt in the wind as I rode past life, trying hard not to drop the CD player in my hand. I don't remember if I was lonely then, but I wasn't now, and he was laughing because I was actually moving hard to swing, my alcohol in hand, drinking the whole time. And he came around, pushed me until I was airborne. And when it was clear that I was trying to stop he just came around, and wrapped his arms around me, an immovable force hitting an immovable object. And he just kind of held me for a bit. C has this thing where he likes to cuddle if we watch movies together, and it sometimes weirds me out but it's ok, and you know, I like having someone like him around. I don't get so lonely with him there, you know? Breaks my heart, sometimes, when I think about how it used to be between me and P, lazy afternoons spent lounging in bed and watching television series. If someone's there to give that affection, it kind of kills the temptation to simply run and find someone, anyone, to fill that space, you know?
PRESENTATIONS CLASS
It's really not as bad as I thought it would be, and I'm taking it one step at a time, killing my presentations, and steadily improving on my written reports. I'm happy with the final topic I chose (Nintendo's falling market share) and I'm almost done! I'll be finishing it off with B tomorrow at school. I wonder how the final boardroom presentation will go?
JAE-BABY, RO-BABY, AND THE NEW SITES
Met some amazing girls lately, I'm so in love. We're vibing off of this creative element that I haven't felt since Cait dropped out of the game, and I can't help but get really excited talking to them. They're introducing me to some new stuff, new music, and they're kicking up ideas in me that I never thought before. I got something fresh for everything that we've planned, and I've never been writing so much, so quickly. Girls, you've woken up love in me again, and this torture is killing me! I can't wait to finish up all the shit we got going on, because for real, you're making me feel like love is kind of possible again. I haven't been writing... and you both reminded me how much I missed her, and I'm so lucky to have met you. Can't wait to see all the magic we can conjure, huh? I'm just hope I'm not moving too fast for you girls, sorry, I can't help it when I get excited.
KOREAN MUSIC
Okay, when the hell did this shit get so hot? I've got more hope in the music industry over in Korea then I do back here at home, and that's saying a lot, especially with the new Lupe joint hitting in December. But I mean... the music I'm finding is hitting it hard, and hitting its mark. Big Bang totally owns my heart! Before, it was just Epik High, but now that I've opened myself up to more, I'm really loving it. The sound and the flow just really get to me. And if that isn't perfection, what is? I'm feeling again. The Soundtrack To A Lost Film album by Eternal Morning is just too perfect for words, an instrumental album that Tablo collaborated on. TBNY (the basement noise yellas), where the hell did you come from, my dreams!? Your flow is incredible. The style that the artists rock also blow my mind, and I'm definitely got something to gun for. Baby, it's a package! I've got better incentive for the gym (it's 4 times a week now, sigh), a better sense of mixing and matching, and really, I'm caring about music again, none of that mixtape shit that I'm used to listening to for a week, then tossing it cuz I'm bored, and I've got a new one at home. I mean, what is that? Music was never meant to be disposable. I was meant to shake your soul, baby, and I found it again! Kinda makes me sad, though, to know that the motherland (China) won't ever be at that level, not until we loosen up with that whole communism thing. It isn't doing any favours, ok!? I'm sure there are so many people with the kind of music I want to listen to inside of them. Damn your censorship!
THE PERFECT MAN - TABLO, G-DRAGON, T.O.P.
I was trying to explain to P my perfect man. After thinking about it, I came up with 3 names, all Korean (what the hell?) because they all had something in their artistry, their personality, their style, that I felt I could fall in love with. He laughed. Said it was impossible. You know what? I'm going to find that man. Not the boy, because I've been with the boys, and I honestly cannot handle that bullshit anymore, but the man. And in the interim, I'm going to become the woman worth being loved by that man. It's time to grow up, lady, and really put yourself into it. That means study, gym, and really... just listen. Sometimes, I'm obnoxious, but it's because I'm trying so hard that I sometimes lose track of myself in the process. But really... if I can't be myself, what's the point? Life happens on its own schedule, and I'll find someone you know? No point in crying over it. Until then, I can watch these guys, and feel the twinges of love in my heart, haha, because sometimes loving from afar is a lot nicer then loving someone for real.
HOLLA AT CHA BOI
Same conversation with P. I was lamenting the current dating scene in Ottawa. "You know, B was that last chance I gave it, you know?" and he was laughing, telling me I definitely picked the wrong person. Too bad, I guess. He had that same kinda boyishness of GD, had the perceived intelligence and depth of Tablo, and the occasional quietness of T.O.P. I thought it was perfect! I mean when he introduced himself, he said "What it do?" which made me melt a little on the inside. But I guess without experience, a boy is just a boy, and not a man. Too bad, B, I thought you were perfect. The hype was too much for me, I guess, because the more I got to know you, the sadder I was. You're all the things I want, but you don't have that confidence that a man has. Who knows? Maybe things will be different when I get back from HK. Cause I know for sure, I'll be a different person - a woman, finally. But I got to be honest, you killed the last hope I had in Ottawa.
AND THE REST
Music is really moving me. I'm just fucking happy, you know? Got a new car with the family (sweet!), got a new PS3 (yahoo!), and I'm probably getting a car when I get back into the country in January. Joy! I'm really busy, and life is generally a huge rush but I'm almost out of here. I'm excited to see what this will all be like. To be gone, that is. HK will be a huge change, but I'm looking forward to have things shaken up for me. I wonder if I'll be ok? I want to spend hours in the glorious (and apparently ridiculously hot) sun, just being. It's soon! So soon! Counting the weeks, days, hours, and the minutes.
