FANATICAL

Sigh. I've fallen behind on posting again. Things are just busy, but not, so it's hard to really put down excuses when we're talking about a personal blog, for me. Thank god it isn't another assignment is all, I guess. I kind of liked being able to break things down into topics like I did last time, since really, there are so many things that I end up involving myself in that it's insane, and hard to really organize any other way. So let's begin?

C AND WATCHING THE WATCHMEN

C, baby, if I cared about you in a way other then friendship, we'd be perfect together. Thanks for dragging me out last night, drinking with me (and making my drinks weaker, although only after some pleading on my part), and watching that awesome movie. Thanks for hitting on me, because it was kind of cute, even though we both feel nothing and it's just for fun. Thanks for driving around with me for an hour just listening to old school Gorillaz and Radiohead, while we talked about our upcoming exchanges, the philosophy and reasons why behind them, and where we're gonna be. The rain coming in through the open windows of the car that you insisted on, the both of us getting soaking wet but not caring, sobering up in those glistening moments. You're one of the few people who really tell it to me straight, and I appreciate you so much for this. When you tell me that I'm going to be successful, I really believe you because you wouldn't bullshit like that. Real shit, no talk, right? You're the kind of guy my dad tells me I should date (mentioned by name, no less), and you know, he's right, you're that right kind of person exactly. You're just not it for me, is all. But you're that person I'll be comparing others to, and maybe I'll tell you that one day if you weren't already so cocky. But you know, even if I didn't say it to you in the car last night, you're right, I'm probably a lot more down to earth and honest with other people because we spend so much time hanging out. I was being a spoilt princess when we first started hanging out, because I was in that painful place where I wasn't really sure how to reconcile the breakup with what everyone was saying. You always just listened, and kicked me when I was blabbering too long about it, and we'd just get high and watch the stars... I needed those things then. Thanks for giving them to me. Thanks for always shutting me down when I need to be, and being a great friend. Even if you say you don't believe in things like love, affection, relationships, I hope that you do find that spark and desire for it while you're in Thailand like you said, because really, you will make someone very happy one day, and you deserve to have someone make you very happy as well. Thanks for making me feel like a kid, a girl, and a woman at all the right moments. Here's to the times you've carried me over puddles, made me food, told me that I was an idiot, and warned me about guys I shouldn't chase. Thanks, C, for being you.

SOUNDTRACK TO A LOST FILM

This soundtrack is amazing. Done by DJ Pe2ny and Tablo (together known as Eternal Morning), it's a instrumental album that just SPEAKS to you. The titles of the songs are things like Rainclouds in my Room, and Holden Caulfield, Fingerprints... and you know, the songs that correspond to them really fit. The song that really got me was Father's Watch, I think I actually teared up the first time I heard it. I'd love to see someone set a bunch of mini-stories to these songs. I think it would be amazing - a truly worthwhile project. I think the album is beautiful... and I'd love to see these two amazing artists collaborate again. I mean ya, Epik High just dropped Remixing the Human Soul (their remix and re-cute album of some of their songs) but it doesn't have that gentle touch to it like this album. I really feel when I hear it. I think it's the kind of music that makes a difference, and cares about itself rather then how many copies it sells. It's art - pure and simple. And I love it. I could honestly write an entire blog post just on each song, how they make me feel, and how I think they just work. But... while I had plans, like everything, they don't always work.

CLIQUES, THE A-LIST, WHATEVER

Dear fucking Jesus in heaven, I've had enough of this high school crap. I'm mad that you're going to giggle off with one person, and ignore the hard work put in by another. Cait... you shouldn't have been shut down the way you were by those girls, it was wrong, and you are so much better then that. And while I want to blame it on their age, their lack of experience and exposure, whatever, it can be put down that at times, some people are just rotten. We all have our moments... but I hope you don't keep feeling sad. You're wonderful - and I care too much to let some stupid young children get you down on yourself.

THE JOB, THE FINANCES

It's coming up... the exchange. In one month today, I'll be landing in Hong Kong. I'm scared - I'm elated. I worked it all out, and between my two jobs, my OSAP, my loans, and whatever else, I'll have the money I need by August. I'm worried though, at the same time, because once I'm out of money, I'm out, and I'm screwed! There's a lot of stuff I want to do while I'm there... places to see, people to meet, boys to flirt with, things to buy... experience, basically. It'll be the longest I've ever been away from home, and I need to grow up a little, personality and maturity wise. I'm a weak person - I try too hard with others and I find it hard to relax and be myself. I want to be able to say 'fuck convention', and really mean it instead of saying it for showy reasons, which is honestly how it is most of the time. I take things too seriously... I got to lighten up. There's a lot of things I need to work on, but hopefully this will help guide the way. Haha... I want to be the best version of myself possible, I guess. Isn't that a natural desire? I think I can do it. I want it, breath it, work for it, but I think the dedication is waning. I need to reinvigorate myself. China, baby, be that inspiration for me. But it's hard to think of that while I'm still doing work. It's so boring here right now... but I think when the contract ends and I'm in Toronto (hopefully enjoying some sun!?) it'll really hit me.

THE PARTY'S IN TOWN, WHERE ARE YOU?

So my girl C is coming into town next Thursday from Lethbridge, and I'm pretty keen to see her. She's like... well... male C! Very straightforward and honest. I like her a lot - I was really sad when she left to go move away for university. I know this means I'll be drinking more, going out every night, and living that bad lifestyle, but for the both of us that kind of thing is a rarity. It's meant to be shared with close friends, rather then just doing it for the sake of it; I think I forgot that before. But, being on better bearings, I'm happy she'll be here. I hope it's a good trip, because for L and me (both housing her in the time she's here) it's busy, with me handling my family reunion, and L handling her exams. What a week it's going to be! She'll be here Thursday afternoon... I'm thinking treats for dinner, unpacking, cleaning, and just being! Movies, maybe, even. L and I are getting to be better friends too, so the awkwardness that trailed C's last visit should be all but gone. I love L, but sometimes, girl, you're so dense and you have to realize the things you say, and how you say them, can come off as rude and not 'blunt', like you say. But that's kinda past, isn't it? I'm excited. The funny thing is, Q is also apparently coming into town that weekend. I will not be getting together with him. He's bad in the ways that aren't good for me, and I'm planning on just letting him stay with A and be bored or party or whatever. I've got my hands full and I don't need his drama! Especially since I don't know if R is coming with him or not. That would be trouble and a half. I haven't even spoken to either of them in months, so I don't know why Q, at least, is playing buddy buddy. I'm not selling what you're looking for, kid, so... off with you.

FINALS HAVE ARRIVED

And the last item on the agenda is the final presentation that I've got to do for my class. I'm terrified - I'm worried I'll make some stupid mistake and fail the class. It's not an option. But I'm piss-my-pants kind of scared over it. I can't wait to be done with it, and I'm going to practice practice practice all weekend until I nail it down tight. I CAN DO IT!!!

DIVING

RAIN CLOUDS IN MY ROOM

So I'm at this concert today for Brian Blade, and it's me, my brother, my dad, and we're all on lawn chairs, after having eaten food from the cool little shops that open just for the Jazz Festival every year in Confederation Park. The music was slow paced... so unlike the Blade I'm used to listening to. He's usually all over the place, yet in this amazing harmony with everyone else. But he was quiet today... and it felt almost spiritual to listen to him. And you know, he still had that look on his face, like he was in absolute rapture while playing. I wish I knew what he felt and what he sees when he plays, the kind of feelings that seem to overwhelm him so utterly that he can't help but smile that way. It inspired me, to the point where I typed out a quick, dirty, and amazingly museful reply for my new girl, Reku, who I met last night, and put it up. In 30 minutes. 1,504 words! I'm getting good there, haha. Listening to Eternal Morning's soundtrack, and I can't get over Tablo's creativity. I'm moved. Elated. And filled with this sense of amazement. I can't believe music stopped doing that for me. I'm happy that I found it again.

It's a wonderful feeling.

ETERNAL MORNING

It's been a while since I last posted, but my life is so fragmented right now (in a way that I'm loving, in a way that I can't help myself) that it's been hard to sit down and actually write something. But there's a lot that should be written, because my god, I can't keep things straight anymore. I'm tripping this fantastic high, happy with the things I have, and working towards the things that I want, and you know, dissatisfaction has no place here, not now. So, I'm going to break things into fragments here, and just go off on it, because really, free thought form is so much easier, you know?

C AND THE SWINGS INCIDENT

There's this guy, we'll call him C, and he and I get along great. I'm not feeling him, he's not feeling me, but he really knows how to make me smile. We're drinking in a park, and I've got my peach schnapps in hand, and we're on the swings because I really missed how it was like. It just reminded me of the days when I would pick up my bike and go to the park when I lived at Corkery, loving the way my hair felt in the wind as I rode past life, trying hard not to drop the CD player in my hand. I don't remember if I was lonely then, but I wasn't now, and he was laughing because I was actually moving hard to swing, my alcohol in hand, drinking the whole time. And he came around, pushed me until I was airborne. And when it was clear that I was trying to stop he just came around, and wrapped his arms around me, an immovable force hitting an immovable object. And he just kind of held me for a bit. C has this thing where he likes to cuddle if we watch movies together, and it sometimes weirds me out but it's ok, and you know, I like having someone like him around. I don't get so lonely with him there, you know? Breaks my heart, sometimes, when I think about how it used to be between me and P, lazy afternoons spent lounging in bed and watching television series. If someone's there to give that affection, it kind of kills the temptation to simply run and find someone, anyone, to fill that space, you know?

PRESENTATIONS CLASS

It's really not as bad as I thought it would be, and I'm taking it one step at a time, killing my presentations, and steadily improving on my written reports. I'm happy with the final topic I chose (Nintendo's falling market share) and I'm almost done! I'll be finishing it off with B tomorrow at school. I wonder how the final boardroom presentation will go?

JAE-BABY, RO-BABY, AND THE NEW SITES

Met some amazing girls lately, I'm so in love. We're vibing off of this creative element that I haven't felt since Cait dropped out of the game, and I can't help but get really excited talking to them. They're introducing me to some new stuff, new music, and they're kicking up ideas in me that I never thought before. I got something fresh for everything that we've planned, and I've never been writing so much, so quickly. Girls, you've woken up love in me again, and this torture is killing me! I can't wait to finish up all the shit we got going on, because for real, you're making me feel like love is kind of possible again. I haven't been writing... and you both reminded me how much I missed her, and I'm so lucky to have met you. Can't wait to see all the magic we can conjure, huh? I'm just hope I'm not moving too fast for you girls, sorry, I can't help it when I get excited.

KOREAN MUSIC

Okay, when the hell did this shit get so hot? I've got more hope in the music industry over in Korea then I do back here at home, and that's saying a lot, especially with the new Lupe joint hitting in December. But I mean... the music I'm finding is hitting it hard, and hitting its mark. Big Bang totally owns my heart! Before, it was just Epik High, but now that I've opened myself up to more, I'm really loving it. The sound and the flow just really get to me. And if that isn't perfection, what is? I'm feeling again. The Soundtrack To A Lost Film album by Eternal Morning is just too perfect for words, an instrumental album that Tablo collaborated on. TBNY (the basement noise yellas), where the hell did you come from, my dreams!? Your flow is incredible. The style that the artists rock also blow my mind, and I'm definitely got something to gun for. Baby, it's a package! I've got better incentive for the gym (it's 4 times a week now, sigh), a better sense of mixing and matching, and really, I'm caring about music again, none of that mixtape shit that I'm used to listening to for a week, then tossing it cuz I'm bored, and I've got a new one at home. I mean, what is that? Music was never meant to be disposable. I was meant to shake your soul, baby, and I found it again! Kinda makes me sad, though, to know that the motherland (China) won't ever be at that level, not until we loosen up with that whole communism thing. It isn't doing any favours, ok!? I'm sure there are so many people with the kind of music I want to listen to inside of them. Damn your censorship!

THE PERFECT MAN - TABLO, G-DRAGON, T.O.P.

I was trying to explain to P my perfect man. After thinking about it, I came up with 3 names, all Korean (what the hell?) because they all had something in their artistry, their personality, their style, that I felt I could fall in love with. He laughed. Said it was impossible. You know what? I'm going to find that man. Not the boy, because I've been with the boys, and I honestly cannot handle that bullshit anymore, but the man. And in the interim, I'm going to become the woman worth being loved by that man. It's time to grow up, lady, and really put yourself into it. That means study, gym, and really... just listen. Sometimes, I'm obnoxious, but it's because I'm trying so hard that I sometimes lose track of myself in the process. But really... if I can't be myself, what's the point? Life happens on its own schedule, and I'll find someone you know? No point in crying over it. Until then, I can watch these guys, and feel the twinges of love in my heart, haha, because sometimes loving from afar is a lot nicer then loving someone for real.

HOLLA AT CHA BOI

Same conversation with P. I was lamenting the current dating scene in Ottawa. "You know, B was that last chance I gave it, you know?" and he was laughing, telling me I definitely picked the wrong person. Too bad, I guess. He had that same kinda boyishness of GD, had the perceived intelligence and depth of Tablo, and the occasional quietness of T.O.P. I thought it was perfect! I mean when he introduced himself, he said "What it do?" which made me melt a little on the inside. But I guess without experience, a boy is just a boy, and not a man. Too bad, B, I thought you were perfect. The hype was too much for me, I guess, because the more I got to know you, the sadder I was. You're all the things I want, but you don't have that confidence that a man has. Who knows? Maybe things will be different when I get back from HK. Cause I know for sure, I'll be a different person - a woman, finally. But I got to be honest, you killed the last hope I had in Ottawa.

AND THE REST

Music is really moving me. I'm just fucking happy, you know? Got a new car with the family (sweet!), got a new PS3 (yahoo!), and I'm probably getting a car when I get back into the country in January. Joy! I'm really busy, and life is generally a huge rush but I'm almost out of here. I'm excited to see what this will all be like. To be gone, that is. HK will be a huge change, but I'm looking forward to have things shaken up for me. I wonder if I'll be ok? I want to spend hours in the glorious (and apparently ridiculously hot) sun, just being. It's soon! So soon! Counting the weeks, days, hours, and the minutes.

EYES WIDE SHUT

Every day is beginning to blend and bleed into the other. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm awake or asleep. I wake up, push snooze five times until it hits nine in the morning, and then I'm up, showered, prettified, and gone. Every day I skip in, tired, and pained. I don't know when today begins, and tomorrow ends. I spend my bus rides reading, new books, old books, and one of them just finished was Glamorama. I loved it. It made me feel a lot of things of a character I wasn't even sure that I liked. But I understood his fear. I'm convinced now that Bret Easton Ellis is one of the greatest writers I've ever read. I finished it today, and I'm walking out of work, and the air, all around the area, is filled with the beautiful wisps of milk weed puffs. I'm watching them fly, try to catch them and... I felt nothing. That sense of complete apathy that has been washing over me the last couple of days has left me almost breathless. I just don't care anymore. I don't know why, and I feel a little... unsure of myself. What the hell am I doing, where am I going? From speaking with Toby, it seems he's feeling that same sense of personal listlessness. We are a lost generation, and no, this is not an exit.

But isn't that alright? I'm wondering if depth of perception, and self awareness, even vary from person to person, with some people better able to reconcile their private thoughts with their own public persona. We're just... all coming in at the same thing from different directions. How do we all sleep at night. How do we just... perceive the world? It seems somehow all foreign to me now, a picture of a picture of a picture. Fuzzy and just... kind of far off. We're all fucked up, and all pretty amazing. People fascinate me, to be honest. They're just so different, happy, uniform, dangerous. But I think that all the business in my life has kept me so preoccupied that I've forgotten what it's like to be around such humanity.

I keep watching a string of one bad movies, one after another. I'm enjoying them, and it passes the time. I let myself zone out, feel myself grow a tiny bit wearier. I'm feeling tired all the time, but more sleep isn't coming. Sidewalks of New York is sad, a good movie, but I'm sad all the same. I spent today by the river, with my aunt, my father, my brother, having a picnic, the sun setting. I wanted to be moved. My brother and I chased each other with sticks, fighting, laughing, being kids. It was pretty enjoyable. I think we're all focusing on the wrong thing. We have to bring it back, find that basic joy. The smallest things, I find, make me happy.

PAPARAZZI

Who we are in private is sometimes someone completely different than what others think.

Things have settled into a pretty nice routine. Summer's getting on, and it's kind of just passing me by. Which, while it sucks, is kind of nice in a way, to bury myself completely in work again. Of course I'm doing it all for the money (otherwise I'd give myself a bit more of a break) but if I wanted to, I could give myself a bit of an out - it turns out that I'm eligible for a little over $13,000 from OSAP. What a relief! Now the problem comes in the form of how to make the claim work. Since we technically have to say we're almost entirely living off of child support... I mean, to be honest, I don't know where the money is coming from. I don't know how we afford how we live, and maybe that should scare me a little. It's a bit damn irresponsible to be honest. Sigh. We'll have to see if my claim processes. I just want $4,000-6,000 of the money, the rest I think, hopefully, I'll be able to have from the work I've been doing myself.

I watched a pretty interesting show today called the 100 Mile Challenge. The premise basically talks about how people in the city of Mission (which I think is in British Columbia) have to eat food purely produced from 100 miles around the city. I'm kind of tempted to try it, but it looks difficult at the same time. We're talking no coffee, no sugar, hardly and fruit, no milk... I would love to try regardless. For a couple of weeks, I don't know if I could last the whole 100 days they do in the show. But it's truly a life change. Not simply something to just... try. It's revolutionizing the way you eat, and I think I'm just a bit apprehensive of that. But the families that were featured in the show were interesting. There was one, the Mcintoshes, that dropped out the first day. The husband was unwilling to commit. I could tell the marriage was in trouble, from the moment the husband wouldn't come home to spend his last pre-100 mile meal with his family. Just... stayed at work. Didn't even seem to care. I wonder how people stay in a marriage like that, where one party just openly is disinterested in the efforts of their partner... I wish her luck. The wife, that is. She looked just so sad...

I'm dying! School's been pretty difficult lately, and I've finally chosen my final topic. I'll be talking about Nintendo, who, despite the number one position, could be doing better. And better exemplifies business then talking about making even more exorbitant amounts of money? I've got a good idea of what I want to do with it, and I'm just crossing my fingers that it translates well - thankfully I've found a good amount of research already. What gets me down, however, is how my TA for the class blatantly told me that it was almost impossible to get more than 75% on any of the written reports. I hate that. How it's simply designed to make you fail. What's the point then? You're not rewarding intelligence, merely picking at the technicalities of it. That's not how business is done... is it? On that, I hate my topic for this week, which is based around trying to convince corporations to make the switch to Windows Vista. 3 days after a top Microsoft executive publicly stated that people should just wait for Windows 7. Fuck my life.

I cooked dinner tonight too. I felt pretty proud of it - pesto and pepper crusted tilapia, served with steamed spinach, sliced asian pear, baguette and lite cheese spread over it. Yummy! I'm committed to cooking more myself, and being healthy about it. It kind of sucks, but what can you do? I decided all this a couple of nights ago. I was hanging out with C, and he and I randomly decided to go find a park. We ran around the play structure, before settling on the space suspended in the air where the connective tube was (just chilling out on top of it) and talking about life. That kid rocks. We were both so tired after we just kind of fell asleep watching a movie he picked out - and so continues C's keen ability to pick out shit movies.

I've been getting to know someone new lately. He seems like a really nice guy, and it's a good change of pace. He keeps up an amazing conversation, and it doesn't feel overwhelming. He has GOT to be my musical twin. I mean... we keep talking music, and he's got all the same music I do (even the obscure, eclectic stuff!) and when we're playing stuff for one another over Skype, and mention an artist, we always pre-guess the song the other is going to play. What's up with that! It's pretty funny. I can say it's good to meet someone new, but I feel kind of bad since he's one of my brother's friends. He's nice though, haha, so I know I shouldn't feel bad... but it's something that happens regardless at times. I've been so shut in at work that I haven't had the chance to meet anyone new so I guess I'm just happy with it.

TOP GUN

What a difficult week. Not in terms of stress, or lack of sleep, just in other general terms. Poor dad, he's got kidney stones, and my brother's struggling with another weekly crisis of identity. I think it's times like this I really wish I could drive. It would make things easier, and relieve some of the burden on dad. I think the only upside to it is that the report I've got to do for this week is only a letter, though there will be a full presentation to do. I've got to get started on that.

Today, I slept in super late. It was glorious. I spent all day just writing, and watching movies. I ended up watching the Other Boleyn Girl. It wasn't exactly a phenomenal movie, but it is inspiring in its own way. It really does show the power a woman can hold over someone... who knew that sex was such a motivating factor? How lucky, for us, to be psychologically more plastic in terms of our needs. Meaning... if we want it, we won't go through extreme measures to get it. I mean, the greatest art on this planet is typically dedicated to a woman, or is done in the name of getting a woman. I suppose this is supposed to be comforting. To know that all it takes is a little lust to get anything you want. I don't know, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. After having used those kinds of wiles to my advantage all of last summer, I only found how empty things felt at the end of the day. The only guys that ever managed to really catch my attention were the ones who were immune to such things. Chasing the unattainable. Is it honest attraction, or just me being just... well, wanting someone that I can't have. Who knows? All that matters, I guess, is that if I'm willing to put aside happiness, I'll be able to get anything I want. But isn't that the case for anything, not just men?

I've made almond jello, and it's setting in the fridge, though I was a little sad to find out that there's no fruit cocktail to go along with it. I could try making something else to go along with it, like strawberries, orange and pineapple, though I suspect it wouldn't be as nice as the traditional. I'm thinking of making orange-walnut-almond salad for lunch at work tomorrow, which hopefully be enough. I'm trying to get off eating as much meat as I do. I mean... protein comes from other courses too. Hopefully the walnuts and almonds will do the trick. Must stay on this stupid diet! It's getting warmer every week, though today you would never know. It's so grey. I would have liked it if it had rained though. Maybe it will later tonight? I'm hoping to read on the couch with a pot of tea. I'm loving this new Rufus Wainwright phase. I miss this kind of moving music. Tomorrow's going to be a new week. We'll see how it goes!